I don’t know..............

[Cannis_Rex]

So.. this is my 1st post, so I guess a hello is customary.. hello..

 

This maybe too long for some, too boring for others, which is fine, but here goes.

 

I’m a 35 y/o man, I’ve been in a committed relationship for the last 10 years.

 

I have loved and still love my partner, although it’s wasn’t and has never been the powerful infatuated, passionate teenage type love of my youth.

 

This was ok I thought, having had 5 previously girlfriends at the age of 25 when we got together, only my 1st and 2nd girlfriends at the ages of 15 and 17 provided me with this world consuming feeling.

 

I presumed (and research seemed to reinforce) this was something special for teeneages or 1st time relationships alone and faded as we become older and more cynical.

 

We can chat, but never converse.. we can lay together, but never with fire..

We have and seem to always will come up against the same communication problems and personality clashes; despite all this I love her and care deeply about her feelings.

 

There is closeness and affection, caring and compromise along with all the miscommunication and lack of real passion.

 

......

 

We have had foreign language students for the last 4 years, I’ve lost count of the amount of strangers that have stayed with us over this time, some I remember, most I don’t..

 

3 weeks ago a student, the age of 32 (me 35) arrived, and whilst I 1st saw just another relatively pleasant student over the course of the last 3 weeks we have spent a number of evenings talking together for hours and hours at a time.

 

We talked about psychology, religion, politics, art and history; time flying each time.

 

We talked more in depth and made more of an intellectual connection in the past three weeks, than my partner and I have been able to accomplish in the last 10 years, or so it seems at least.

 

The last three evenings, we discovered we both shared a very similarly painful childhood trauma, not only this but the body language was convincingly displaying signs of interest (of course I could be mistaken)..

 

And then it happened, (now I warn you this will probably be entirely anti-climactic for anyone whom has stuck it out so far);

 

All the lovestruck feelings long consigned to my youth flooded back into my life as fresh and raw as I could ever imagine their memeory to be..

 

I feel like a stupid teenager, loss of appetite, more than a little depressed about the situation and feeling entirely lost and hopeless..

 

The day before yesterday, my long term girlfriend fell asleep on the couch, the student and I continued to talk for many hours.

 

Towards the end of our conversation (before my g/f awoke and announced it was time for bed; we had just discovered this shared childhood trauma (one of each of our parents committed suicide having sufferrrd from Schizophrenia).

 

Just before my partner awoke, upon sharing some stories of our pasts, I looked her in the eyes and stated what a coincidence; I could swear that the look she was returning was one of real connection and warmth.

 

Like I said, my partner awoke, it felt like our moment was violently interrupted; something neither of us discuss easily with others (face to face at least).

 

Yesterday and today, she has informed us that she will be returning late; celebrating passing her exams with her fellow students, only to be leaving my life forever tomorrow morning around 7am..

 

I never knew I could still feel this way, if someone could have warned me I’d have left town, done something, anything to not feel the strange sense of loss that I’m feeling now..

 

But at the same time I wouldn’t have done anything different.

 

....

 

To finish (if anyone is still with me here I am amazed!);

 

My partner is certainlu none the wiser to any of this, my only noticeable change in behaviour is to appear a little withdrawn and nowhere near as hungry as usual.

 

I’m English so suppressing emotions comes naturally (or so I’m told), I have also been practicing this unhealthy habit since childhood, so have a superb poker face.

 

Also nothing actually happened, but this doesn’t seem to abate the guilt I feel for the betrayal I feel I am guilty of in my heart.

 

That’s it...

 

Edit: apologies if any or all of this reads poorly; I have written this with all the overwhelming feelings this brings as well as two larger than standard glasses of red wine. I may revisit it and tidy, or not..

Edited March 22, 2019 by Cannis_Rex

[Guildford]

Cannis Rex - You should be happy that for a short period you have experienced that feeling of joy you thought only teenagers feel. You are still capable of that feeling and nothing physical has happened. There is nothing wrong for feeling a strong attachment for someone other than your wife provided you did not act upon it. Are you not a better person for having had this experience, cherish that experience in your heart, and continue to love your wife without the guilt.

[Cannis_Rex]

Cannis Rex - You should be happy that for a short period you have experienced that feeling of joy you thought only teenagers feel. You are still capable of that feeling and nothing physical has happened. There is nothing wrong for feeling a strong attachment for someone other than your wife provided you did not act upon it. Are you not a better person for having had this experience, cherish that experience in your heart, and continue to love your wife without the guilt.

 

Thanks for the reply.. ?

 

I wish at this moment I could do as you say..

 

I fear most of all that the most compatible person do have ever met in my life is soon to leave it forever, without ever speaking of it.

 

Aside from this (which cannot currently be put aside) it has also been something of an eye opener to the deficiencies in my relationship.

 

Loyalty has always played an important part in my own personal philosophy in life, however... you only get one shot at this, am I living my only life unfulfilled.

 

Of course, I do not want to hurt my g/f (not wife, despite the 10 years), but at the same time...

[Orokotikki]

but at the same time...

 

Look, I wish I had more money, but I'm not about to knife someone to get it.

 

If you want this chickee so bad, man up and leave your GF first. It'll prove to the rest of the human race you have a backbone.

 

Cut and dry. One or the other. Sometimes there are shades of gray and sometimes there isn't.

Edited March 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[Cannis_Rex]

There is no shades of grey here, I won’t say anything to this person, even if I could, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, whether that’s decency or cowardice in of itself.

 

The feelings I have are over riding my senses.. but even if they fade, this still means that I made the wrong decision spending these years with someone who cannot be called the love of my life.

 

I don’t take offence to your slightly aggressive tonne, I may have represented myself in an unsympathetic way or just as likely deserved it.

Edited March 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Cannis_Rex]

Also, just to add the comparison to money doesn’t quite work for me, as if hapily forgo any disposable income for my entire future to spend my life with this person.

[Orokotikki]

Good for you, it sounds like you are doing the right thing.

 

Give yourself some time to contemplate, if you really think it is mistake to be with who you are, you should leave her for her sake as well as your own. Better to leave cleanly from one relationship before another, rather than monkey branching or cheating.

 

You seem like you got a backbone, if you are honest about yourself, and that means something.

 

God bless and good luck.

[Orokotikki]

Also, just to add the comparison to money doesn’t quite work for me, as if hapily forgo any disposable income for my entire future to spend my life with this person.

 

Right... but this isn't something you would get by giving up money, you'd get it by stabbing your GF in the back, that was my point.

[niji]

Aside from this (which cannot currently be put aside) it has also been something of an eye opener to the deficiencies in my relationship.

 

I can share my thoughts on this. You're absolutely right; if your relationship was strong and stable, you may feel excited about an attractive opposite gender person, but wouldn't be doubting your main relationship and wondering if you've made the wrong choice. The fact that you're questioning it says it all.

 

I also had (or so I thought) strict moral values, and when I had a crush on a classmate (early college) despite being with my ex at the time, it really threw me off. I was looking forward to spending alone time with the classmate (nothing physical, not even touch or kissing, but still), and wanted to avoid my ex, which I realized was messed up and wrong. I eventually was able to stop contacts with that person (it's called no more classes together), but even after stopping all contacts with him, I didn't regain the affection I once had for my ex. That's when the crush seriously made me re-examine my relationship. I broke up with him two years later (of which there was still no contact with the classmate ever since).

 

I think your priority now, more than chasing a possible "true love" is reexamining your relationship with your girlfriend. It takes a lot of courage, I'm not gonna lie, but doesn't seem like you two have children, and like you said we only live once.

[Mr. Lucky]

A as if hapily forgo any disposable income for my entire future to spend my life with this person.

 

Whom you've known for three weeks.

 

Cannis_Rex, you don't even know this woman. So, while I'll admit the message you're receiving is a powerful one, it's life talking to you rather than this individual. And it's telling you time is too short to spend passing through in the daze that currently describes your existence.

 

As others have already said, either fix your current relationship or move on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Perhaps it is time to have a frank and open conversation with your partner about where you are both at, and whether this relationship is making you both happy?

 

It is possible your girlfriend is having the doubts about your relationship too. I'm basing this purely on her lack of concern over leaving you alone with another woman in your house to go out, or sleeping on the couch while you are having your "deep conversations". Sure, she finally interrupted it, but it doesn't sound like it was out of jealousy or anything.

 

Perhaps she is just overly secure in your relationship or just naive about what people are capable of? However, in my experience, when a woman loves her man, she tends to be at least a little bit territorial, and will let you know if she is unhappy with you giving attention to another woman. It doesn't sound like this is the case here.

 

That's why I think now would be a good time to talk and see how you are both feeling about the relationship, and where it is (or is not) heading.

It's your choice if you want to stay with each other for convenience or comfort sake (some people are happy to do it), but if you want different things and could be potentially happier in the long run going your separate ways, maybe you need consider that?

 

At the very least it will give you both a chance to prepare yourselves for possible change, and it has been a long time so it would be challenging to end the relationship.

 

As for this other person, my advise is do not contact her again, unless you have ended your relationship. No good will come from it.

[preraph]

I think your reason for meeting her wasn't about a new love connection so much as to connect on that painful thing you have in common.

 

Meanwhile, does she not have a boyfriend or anything? Did you talk about that? And remember, she was comfortable and being very open partly because she knows you are taken. So she wouldn't feel she was starting something she couldn't finish.

[heartwhole2]

People have different opinions about the meaning of love, whether there's a single "love of your life," etc. But I think it's oversimplifying to say that developing attraction and feelings for someone else means your relationship with your GF is not a love of your life.

 

Anyone can feel attracted to another person. Any two people can discover similarities. Your ability to do this with another person does not mean your relationship with your girlfriend wasn't good enough. It means your boundaries weren't good enough. People who are in a committed relationship put boundaries in place precisely because they know that sparks can lead to fire.

[S2B]

So now you are realizing that given the chance to get to know a variety of people you can develop meaningful attachments to others.

 

Some people are perfectly happy going through life not experiencing a deeper bond with people.

 

If you feel that you need more from a gal than what your girlfriend has offered then end it with her.

 

May I ask... ten years... why didn’t you ever marry her in ten years time?

[LivingWaterPlease]

You need to deal with your relationship with your gf, independently of what you have experienced with this student you connected with.

 

A teenager is not the only age at which a person can have a relationship with fire. From how you describe your relationship with your gf it seems to me you've settled. But, maybe not, according to what you want out of a relationship. Only you can decide that. But I urge you not to drift along in a comfortable relationship that's not what you really want for your life. Both you and your gf are plenty young enough to find love with someone else.

 

Also, as someone else asked, why haven't you married your gf? Is it because you've never been certain she's the one?

 

You're not doing her any favors to stay with her when you're not enthused about the relationship the two of you share.

[pepperbird]

Also, just to add the comparison to money doesn’t quite work for me, as if hapily forgo any disposable income for my entire future to spend my life with this person.

 

 

You have fallen for a ghost, something your own mind has invented. You have built up this "personality" for someone you really barely know. That can feel very bonding, but it's not real.

 

 

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. You were able to put the brakes on when it mattered.

[Turning point]

I’m English so suppressing emotions comes naturally (or so I’m told), I have also been practicing this unhealthy habit since childhood,

 

I don't think the skies have opened and revealed heaven to you. The crux of your problem is right there - you suppress emotion. You've been doing it for 10 years with you partner. Perhaps your partner does the same thing (making it easier for you) and that's why you paired up with her. On the other hand, maybe she just knows you're a locked closet and doesn't try anymore.

 

The 32 year old student is not your soul mate. She's just a woman your own age you found attractive. It's not magic, and it's not passion, it was just a choice you made to behave differently.

 

As to your partner, don't be so convinced she's none the wiser. Most people don't sleep so soundly on the couch -especially with two chatty Kathy's going all night. Besides, she seemed to know EXACTLY when to wake up and interrupt you.

[Turning point]

For the most part, given enough sustained eye contact and mutually escalating personal self disclosure you can "fall in love" with almost anyone in about 45 minutes. You invested three whole weeks.

[Cannis_Rex]

Thanks for all the input, from each of you.

 

I am unsure what to say.

 

These feelings I thought lost appear to be here to stay for a while, I am clueless as to how to deal with this or what it tells me about my relationship.

 

Thanks

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks for all the input, from each of you.

 

I am unsure what to say.

 

These feelings I thought lost appear to be here to stay for a while, I am clueless as to how to deal with this or what it tells me about my relationship.

 

Thanks

 

It tells you more about you than it tells you about your relationship. You better get some help to deal with this and be willing to do what it takes to get through it in the way that honors your core being, whatever the way may be.

[Turning point]

I agree that these feelings are about you, not necessarily your relationship.

 

It is so much easier to blame external causes when the closet we've been stuffing things into all those years finally busts open and spills our goods. The hinges on this door were going to break sooner or later.

 

I think this infatuation with the other woman is just an emotional cover story. It's not love. It's like your brain is Bart Simpson looking for something external to take the blame.

Edited March 24, 2019 by Turning point

[Mr. Lucky]

I am clueless as to how to deal with this or what it tells me about my relationship.

 

Are you sure you've read the responses? Most of them have been all about what this tells you about the state of your current relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cannis_Rex]

Are you sure you've read the responses? Most of them have been all about what this tells you about the state of your current relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Indeed, but it’s very easy to comment and not at all easy to act upon what you feel to be right.

 

People can only comment on the information I have provided and make inferences to form their opinions.

 

That’s why despite not necessarily agreeing with everything posted I’m not going to be taking it personally.

 

In addition to this, our values and priorities in life could differ drastically, and therefore little productive conversation may be possible.

 

I’ve read the comments, they have made me think, I don’t think I could expect any more.

[seren]

I would advise you getting support for your own problems, sounds like your ability to discuss your childhood experience with the student has created the bond you speak of. Sharing with her and then her leaving will leave unresolved what if’s and maybe you should have shared those previously with your partner, if she doesn’t have the full idea of who you are, how can she know ‘you’. By the same logic, three short weeks and an intense conversation does not make a relationship or a knowing of another, that comes with time and ordinary life.

 

If you are not happy with your relationship, either try to fix it or leave, there is no in between and it gives your partner the chance to find someone else too. Fix you, then go find the student, I wouldn’t expect anything or be too heavy, she might not have felt the connection between you both.

[Amethyst68]

It's not love infatuation, look up limerance it's common in affairs.

 

That's not to say you should stay with your GF, it wouldn't be fair to her to be second best, your back up plan. I would say this though real love is often not flashy, I've read several threads where the poster has not recognised how deeply 'in love' they were with their partner until they were in danger of losing them.