At a loss, what can I do?

[Coxy89]

My partner and I have been together for 8 years, she's 25 and I'm 29. We have one daughter together who is 3.

 

We broke up half way through our relationship due to her cheating on me, we were apart for 6 months before she came back asking for forgiveness and wanting to reconcile. We did and the we had our daughter.

 

We'd spent alot of time raising our daughter, working and saving up money for our mortgage. We purchased our home (shared ownership) 5 months ago. It all seemed as if we'd got to a happy place until 1 month ago.

 

My partner had gone to spend the weekend with her very sick friend, his dad had also just died. Before she left she said it would be good to spend some time apart as she feels it's what we need. I was completely blindsided. I was under the impression we were in a good place and had got through all the stress when we finally moved into our family home. She returned home, I could hardly recognise the person standing in front of me. She was cold, distant and very guarded. She had become glued to her phone, turning it privately while using it. Switched it to silent and never let it out of her sight. I was confused, I asked why the sudden and drastic change in mood/behaviours. She said she was going through a difficult time and dealing with alot.

 

This continued for two weeks, we took our daughter out for her 3rd birthday lunch. My partner still cold, distant and glued to her phone. I confronted her again and asked who was so important she had to message during our daughters birthday lunch. She told me it was her slimming world(weight loss) group. I went up to order food and returned to her still messaging, I took a quick look when I returned without her realising(invasion of privacy, sorry). She was infancy messaging a bloke. I confronted after the meal and asked who he was, she'd met him at her slimming world group and that he is gay. I asked why the secrecy and lies, she apologised. It turns out he's infact bisexual. After a little research he also works at one of the buildings she cleans. This information she still hasn't shared with me. They've met up atleast twice a week for the past month, prioritising they're time over our daughter and myself.

 

She's told me she needs time and space. She feels like she needs to be more independent and do more things for herself. She's asked me to contact her minimally and not to initiate any intimacy. This went on for a week before we spoke properly again, nothing had changed for her. She left to stay at a friend's house for two nights. She returned and we spoke again, she loves me but it feels different, doesn't feel as if the spark is there anymore. She's asked me to leave our house in which I've refused. She's stated if she leaves she'll be taking our daughter with her.

 

A few details: I earn more than double her wage. I pay for every single bill related to the house. She pays for food and petrol. She takes very little responsibility around the house and I'm left to do the majority. I work alot to maintain our house but still do the majority of activities/play/teaching with our daughter when I'm not working. She projects alot onto me and gets very defensive when I tell her the truth. She won't take any accountability for her actions and I feel as if my partner of 8 years has changed overnight.

 

I'm so lost and confused. I feel abandoned by the woman I've loved for 8 years. I've felt anxious and sick for a solid month and I've struggled to eat.

[mark clemson]

Hi, Coxy89. Sorry that you've found yourself in this situation. I strongly suggest you contact a Moderator to have this post moved to the Infidelity section. There will be people reading in that section who should be able to help you.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you're going through this, OP.

 

She has an appalling lack of respect for you. Not only is she cheating again, but she has the stones to ask you to leave the home. I am glad you refused. She is being ludicrous in her expectations, and I would be curious to know if she's always been so entitled.

 

You need to speak to an attorney. You are going to need advice on what your rights are with regards to your home and your daughter, and what will happen in the likely event of a formal separation.

[Coxy89]

Thank you for the comments so far. I've sent a message to have the post moved.

 

Currently it feels like I'm stuck in limbo. She won't talk with me or hardly look at me.

[mark clemson]

It sounds like you are her Plan B and this other man is currently Plan A. There may be little you can do to change this. Agree that you should talk to a lawyer - many will do a half hour initial consult for free. Unfortunately, you need to plan for the worst right now, despite how painful it may be emotionally.

 

If it helps keep your mind clear, consider that she *could* have come to you to discuss issues she may have had in the marriage. Instead it appears that she "moved on" before giving you even the chance to discuss whatever her issues may be. Is that a decent way to treat someone you had a child with?

[Highndry]

Let this be a lesson on why you never take a cheating woman back. Beyond that, you need to document all of this cheating and write down the details, dates, etc., and also get together financial records of all the bills you pay, because you're going to need this to present to the courts over the custody battle for your daughter. I would then make plans to sell the house and find your own place, forcing her to do the same.

[Commongoal123]

Yes,

 

Keep a log of the dates and times she is "staying at a friends for a few days". Infidelity holds up in court, and you could use this as leverage when it comes to shared equity (the house, which sounds like you payed for anyway....)

 

This sucks man, and I'm sorry. It definitely sounds like she is cheating on you again, and is incredibly immature and unfit to be a partner, let alone a mother.

[Mr. Lucky]

My partner and I have been together for 8 years, she's 25 and I'm 29. We have one daughter together who is 3.

 

Why 8 years together, a kid and a house - but no marriage?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

All you're getting are lies. She cheated once and it sounds like shes doing a repeat.

 

Let her go and free yourself. If not you get a longer stay in self imposed limbo.

 

You should have cut her loose the first time. I wouldn't make that mistake again.

[BaileyB]

She's told me she needs time and space.

 

Personally, I would give her all the time and space she wants...

 

I agree with Expat, what she has done is very disrespectful. I’m sorry this has happened to you and your daughter.

 

It bring to mind the old adage... “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” I hope you don’t take her back. Take care of that baby girl. Her mother doesn’t use the good sense that God gave her...

[bathtub-row]

She’s very bad for you and, sadly, you’re going to have to end this relationship for good. Part of the problem here is that the two of you got together at too young of an age, and took on a lot of responsibility. While you may have been ready for that, she wasn’t. She’s had no chance to explore the world and figure out who she is. Really, the same is true for you. However, that doesn’t justify her actions. She could’ve ended the relationship in an honest way.

 

Btw, she can’t legally make you leave your home. You own the home the same as she does. Time to talk to a lawyer.

[pepperbird]

op,

I know it's really hard, but now is not the time to panic. Keep your mind clear.

 

First off, take some time and centre yourself. Think about what your next steps will be, keeping in mind that your top priority is your daughter.

 

 

 

Next, think about what you need to do. Write out a list of what you need to do ( see a lawyer, start looking at the possibility you may need to sell your house and move, etc.). Doing this can be really helpful, as it can help you feel like you are in control of the situation.

 

Since you're not married, I'm not sure what the laws are regarding your situation. This is why seeing a lawyer is so important. Also remember that right now, you can't trust your partner to be a good parent right now. Someone who is cheating isn't capable of putting anyone first, even their child.

 

 

 

Finally, and this is key, do what some call "the 180". Be polite to your wife, just as you would to a stranger. Don't go out of your way to be friendly, but don't be rude. The point is to help you gain a feeling of control over your life, so make plans to go out with friends, eat well, hit the gym, get lots of rest, spend lots of time one on one time with your daughter. Keep your head down, eyes up and keep moving forward, remembering that your partner is no longer your friend, you can't trust her and you need to look after yourself. Doing the 180 may really irritate her as you won't be putting up with her crap, but don't give in. Consider yourself single, at least for now, but whatever you do, don't cheat too. Revenge affairs don't really help, and you'll just be dragging another woman into your mess. Clean up one pile before starting another.

[Turning point]

Don't wait this one out. Take control of your future now using the present as your predictor of future results.

 

She has checked out of your marriage. Let the phrases "contact me minimally" and "don't initiate intimacy" really sink in. Soak up the reality of the phrase "I need space" together with the action of leaving the home and staying somewhere else.

 

This is your reality - this is your future. Act accordingly. Don't wait for the weather to change. This woman has just dropped you on Antarctica and you can't walk your way off that continent.

 

Preserve your assets and your custody rights by opening a legal case right now. You do that by filing for divorce. The process takes quite a while so, while the outcome is not instant - certain other protections regarding your child and finances do start immediately. You need these in place for both your and the child's best interest.

Edited March 20, 2019 by Turning point

[oldtruck]

I do not think she has ever stopped cheating and you need

to get a paternity test done.

[aliveagain]

What are the chances she was already pregnant when you took her back? Please google the term "serial cheater" then talk to a lawyer. I know your not married but after 8 years together, a child and a mortgage the courts will probably deal with you as if you were. Do not leave the home until you talk to a lawyer. Read up on the "180" and make it your new mantra. The 180 will help you distance yourself from her toxicity. I too think you are her backup plan, she's actively dating and looking for your replacement. Get tested for all STD's because she's having sex with a very high risk partner, they always lie about using protection. Do not have unprotected sex with her.

 

Why would you want to be with a partner that cheats on you and probably has for your entire relationship? This woman is poor marriage material. It is up to you but knowing her history I would probably want to confirm paternity before things escalate. Most Walmart's sell paternity kits and you don't need to tell your partner your doing it. If she hadn't become pregnant so quickly after you took her back I wouldn't be making the suggestion to you. It happened to me, I am talking from experience. She is not the woman you want her to be.

[S2B]

She is totally cheating again!

 

First off - get your child dna rested!

 

Get set to have the house and child on your own.

 

Get busy protecting yourself instead of begging her to come back.

 

Tell her if the man is THAT important then you will divorce her now.

 

You can’t trust her... and therefore you have no way to repair the marriage.

[michzz]

Get legal advice on how to buy her out of the house and find out paternity.

 

Also, get tested for STIs, make sure you are not infected.

 

Do not be intimate with her anymore.

 

Once you know your legal options, kick her out.

 

Move on.

[Coxy89]

Wow. Thank you for all of the advice. It's been a very difficult week in which I told her some home truths. To sum it up I'd told her she was being irresponsible, a neglectful mother, that I've been parenting her for the best part of our relationship and that our relationship is over. She flipped and denied/projected alot onto me but I thanked her walked out of the room. Thus she went away with her new friend for the weekend and I've been able to spend some quality time with my daughter.

 

With your advice, which I'm grateful for I do have a plan of how I'm going to deal with the house, my daughter etc. I will also be seeing a counsellor for myself.

 

I've had some good days where I feel focused and others where I feel I'm sinking into an abyss of sadness.

[Coxy89]

@Mr Lucky.

 

In regards to marriage. I had been saving for the past year and my intentions were to propose this year.

[mark clemson]

Sorry that this happened to you. The silver lining is that at least she tipped her hand before you got married. Will make detaching from her less complicated than it already is.

[aliveagain]

@Mr Lucky.

 

In regards to marriage. I had been saving for the past year and my intentions were to propose this year.

 

 

This money would be better spent in getting her cheating a$$ out of your life. It is better you found out now, your still young enough to recover and young enough to have an amazing life with someone who really loves you. Don't waste anymore time on this one, find a way to co-parent with her that doesn't require living together. I think you dogged a bullet.