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I am the cheater...what happens when its over?


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I am not sure even where to begin....

 

Yes, I am married and I have had an affair for the past 2 years. I am not proud of it, and I feel guilty every day.

My girlfriend and I originally started by "fate" - she sent me a work IM meant for someone else. That led to a year or so of work IM's about everything and anything.

I honestly think I fell in love with her by our texts alone.

 

Even when we met at a work function for the first time, it all seemed so innocent. But when she and I were the last ones to leave the restaurant, and we kissed by her car, the die was cast.

 

Sue is single and such a sweet, sweet girl. The connection she and I made is beyond words.

And honestly, it has nothing to do with sex! Due to medical reasons, I am very limited in my sex drive, and she knows this. What she and I have goes so far beyond that.

 

Now - the problem.

We worked for the same company, so there was always an excuse for me to fly down to where she lived by our home office.

We had plans for her and I to see each other several times a year, for years.

And she was ok with waiting for me.

She never has, or ever will, ask me to leave my family for her. She respects

my life and marriage.

 

Anyhow, I recently lost my job at the company.

Since I hate winter so much, I borrowed from my 401K and spent the last 3 months down south with her. My wife and family visited me twice, but the rest of the time it was me and Sue spending endless nights and days together.

 

I did not plan on losing my job.

But I have no excuse to fly down here anymore now though. I have felt more alive in these past couple months with Sue, than I ever felt in my life. We have more of a connection in more ways that I have had in 20 years with my wife.

And that is so sad.

 

Most people will say "why not just divorce you wife"??

And yes, if it was just my wife, I probably would.

But we have two kids and a home, so I simply cannot walk away from my family.

Let alone "if" I left my wife and brought Sue to a family function down the line, there is no way my family would EVER accept her. She would only be known as the woman who wrecked my marriage. And my family would forever hate me for leaving my wife whom they absolutely adore.

 

When I leave here in a couple weeks, I probably will never see Sue again.

I realized when I am home I just kind of exist. I go through the motions of life. I have never felt more alive than I do with Sue. We match in so many ways.

What do I do???

 

Can my wife be more like Sue? no - they are night and day different.

My wife is my friend, which is nice. Sue is everything. We have something

most marriages never have, and something most people can only wish for.

I have had that for just over 2 years now, and especially over the last 3

months.

 

How can I go back to my regular life now?

I feel horrible for Sue - I promised her I would always be living for the "next time" we could be together. I never thought there would NOT be a next time. I feel awful, I know I will make her so sad when I leave.

I feel bad that my home life now will always be spent thinking of Sue and what she and I shared together.

How can someone go from utopia, to a plain day in /day out life?

 

Sue and I can literally "belly laugh" together so often when we are

together. We feel such pure joy.

Its so sad, but I dont remember ever belly laughing like that in the

past 20 plus years.

 

Should I just be happy I got to experience something like this, and just let it go somehow? How?

 

Sorry for all the questons.

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Simple Logic

For the Trifecta you should tall your wife and divorce her, Sue should realize she really doesn’t want you (if she did she wouldn’t be in waiting this long) and you should find yourself alone.

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BettyDraper

If Sue respected your marriage, she wouldn't be in an affair with you.:rolleyes:

 

Decide which is more important to you-a life that you have built with your wife or the possibility of a new relationship.

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And she was ok with waiting for me.

 

JD8158, you're going to get some tough love here, including from me.

 

Regardless of what else you have going on in your life, love isn't asking "Sue" to wait in limbo for years to get the occasional breadcrumb while you go home to your wife and family. You're damning her to a life of loneliness and heartache.

 

But we have two kids and a home, so I simply cannot walk away from my family.

 

But you can leave them for 3-month intervals while you spend familial assets on fun-in-the-sun with Sue?

 

I'd accuse you of epic levels of selfishness but, honestly, you're no different than the next garden-variety cheater. Me, me, me, I, I ,I, My, my, my. When it all hits the fan, you're going to wish your priorities were very different.

 

Should I just be happy I got to experience something like this, and just let it go somehow?

 

No. You should tell your wife, hope she somehow forgives you and attempt to reclaim your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Sue respects your marriage as much as you do which is not at all!

 

 

How did you justify living apart from your family for 3 months? Does your wife know you've taken money from your joint future to fund this little vacation you've just had? Was it under the guise of you trying to find work? Was she supportive? Of course it was fabulous, you've spent this time in a fantasy while your poor wife was dealing with real life, taking over your responsibilities as well as hers to support your family, your kids. While you were having fun who was there to support your wife, financially and emotionally?

 

 

Your behaviour is appalling, your wife deserves so much better. A betrayal of this magnitude would be impossible for most people to even imagine. Tell her the truth, she deserves to finally have a say in her own life!

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I worked a graveyard shift for almost 20 years so I could be at home with my kids as they grew up. I don't know when I ever slept.

My wife was more than supportive of letting me enjoy 3 months in the sun, a "mini retirement" between jobs during what turned out to be the worst winter in years. I got a nice severance package from my job, so it was not a financial set back at all. ok?

I had open heart surgery 2 years ago.....we are never sure if my body will reject some of the repairs that were done.

And my "poor wife" spent the other half of my severance package doing all the home upgrades she has wanted to do for years. Trust me, I did not care about shiplap walls or granite countertops she had to have.

Bash me all you want, I know I deserve it.

I am just in a bad spot right now - was hoping someone here could relate and offer advice...and not just judge.

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Really? You're trying to justify your "vacation" by saying your wife was more than supportive taking a break between jobs? That's truly unbelievable, would she have been so supportive if you had told her the truth about your little love in, I truly doubt it.

 

Yes, your poor wife, you equate your wife upgrading the family home to your cheating, as justification for your actions.

 

Just tell her the truth. It's obvious you resent her, why not give her the chance to decide.

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Most people are going to give you matter-of-fact advice and feedback, which means making a choice to either stay in your marriage and recommit to your wife or leave the marriage and see if you can live happily ever after with Sue.

 

Trying to have both isn't realistic or sustainable. There are plenty of people on this forum that can relate at least to some extent, but unless they are still in the fog of fantasy and denial from their own situation they aren't going to give you sympathetic or positive feedback about where you are at. Sometimes in life you have to make hard choices. You chose to get involved with Sue, now you need to choose how to deal with the consequences.

 

Use this forum to help you clean up your mess, not wallow in it. That's where the harsh truths come in. Being up front with your wife would clear up a lot of the confusion you are experiencing.

 

I've had my own mess, I'm in no position to judge yours, I'm just keeping it real with you.

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Eternal Sunshine

Why did you marry your wife if you never felt that level of connection? Or are you just re-writing history?

 

 

This is what happens when people marry just because they are of certain age and find a tolerable partner and eh it's just easier.

 

 

 

Break up with your wife and start your life with Sue. Your marriage is already ruined for good. Children don't care as much as people seem to think they do. They are much more affected when their parents stay together but are unhappy - they can sense it.

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mark clemson

The below is just my opinion:

 

Agree with the standard line which is that you need to choose one way or the other. You've had your cake and eaten it too, no sense whining about it having to end like you're a 6 year old.

 

Some advice on that point:

 

  • Some folks on this forum will probably tell you to tell your wife. I suggest you listen to them and give it serious consideration as there are surprisingly good reasons to do this. I also suggest you consult an attorney (many will do a free half hour consult) about the impact of infidelity on divorce in your specific state and really think carefully about what you want and hope to gain (and might possibly lose) before doing any revealing.
  • Your brain is somewhat addicted to your mistress. IF you decide to stay with your wife, I suggest that you go full no contact (NC). My belief is that will make it easier on everyone involved, including you. This means no contact in any way, including checking up on social media, etc. For most people, this kind of stuff re-triggers the emotions and prolongs the stress/distress.

One way or the other this is going to be a train wreck (really it already is). You MIGHT have some choices about what kind of train wreck it is.

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Really if you don't love your wife, let her go. Or tell her and let her choose if she wishes to remain married or not. Or quit cheating, and put all that energy you put into your affair on falling back in love with your life. Being a cheater is not a good feeling. I know. Former Serial Cheater here.

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Turning point
I borrowed from my 401K and spent the last 3 months down south with her. My wife and family visited me twice, but the rest of the time it was me and Sue spending endless nights and days together. ...When I leave here in a couple weeks....

 

You've separated from your family for up to four months and you want me to believe that you actually care about your children? No - not buying it.

 

You've faced some health issues that brought you face to face with mortality. Well, guess what? Your wife and kids are mortal too and you're not really much of a hero to them are you?

 

Enough with the boo-hoo-hoo's. Time to man up.

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I had open heart surgery 2 years ago.....we are never sure if my body will reject some of the repairs that were done.

 

Sounds like you got a second chance, a new lease on life.

 

Doesn't seem judgmental to ask you what you plan on doing with the opportunity. I hope this isn't it...

 

Mr. Lucky

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whichwayisup

Your wife is your wife in so many ways, she looked after you when were ill, she allowed you to go away for 3 months as a treat/retreat. You two have built a life together, share children together, family and friends entwined. You obviously loved your wife enough to marry her and have kids together. You both have been through ups and downs, good times and bad times. That's life!

 

You and Sue are exciting and she's 'new' so of course the feelings are going to be more intense and crush like than what you now share with your wife. Sue meets your needs NOW, makes you feel good but in the long run once those feelings get less intense you may realize your wife is the one who makes you feel better, who understands you most, who will always have your back.

 

Don't be re writing marital history and exaggerate problems at home to justify what you're doing to your wife with Sue. I'm guessing things at home were actually pretty good before you chose to allow yourself to get close to another woman.

 

Go to counseling and figure out who it is you want. Don't continue cheating on your wife and betraying your family unit. Your wife probably knows something is very off especially since you're hurting and missing your AP. It won't take your wife too long to wonder and think why you're so depressed and not acting like yourself.

 

Have you considered just telling your wife the truth? Are you prepared to face it all if/when she finds out? Someone may know and could tell her, never say never.

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Sweet sweet girls don't become involved with married men. Your OW does not respect your marriage. If she did she would not be your OW. Of course you also have zero respect for your marriage. Your affair partner is also lacking in the self respect department. She can do better than waiting on some married dude to come visit her but she doesn't value herself enough to realize this.

 

How old are your kids? Sounds like they get on okay without you around. Since you don't have any respect for your wife you may as well get a divorce. You will still get to see your kids. As a matter of fact, shared custody will probably give you more one on one time with them than you have right now, so your kids excuse is bull. Be a man of honor and integrity. Tell your wife the truth and get a divorce.

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op,

your head is so far in the clouds right now you can't even see what you're doing.

Listen to yourself. So far, you have made the following statements:

- my ow respects my marriage! Seriously, that is just about the silliest thing I have ever heard

-you act as if your wife gave you permission to cheat on you by encouraging you to take some time for yourself.

- you compare your sleeping around behind your wife's back with your wife getting new walls and countertops

-you whine about how you are stuck, yet you went out and did the one thing that would be sure to cause a huge amount of pain, and you can't even see it. You have absolutely no empathy for your wife and children , and don;t even try the "I care about my kids" line. Sir, if you cared as much as you claim you wouldn't have ever risked their stable home by cheating.

 

 

 

So here you are, right in the middle of the mess you created, trying to deflect by claiming the responses on here are "judging you". To this I say that if there ever was behavior that deserved negative judgement, this is it. The ironic thing is that the one thing you really need right now ( some tough love) is being rejected by you because it isn't what you want to hear.

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I am just in a bad spot right now - was hoping someone here could relate and offer advice...and not just judge.

 

JD8158, is your Dad alive? Mine is not, but I know if I sat down with him and and told him I'd done what you have and was in your "predicament", his advice would come in the form of some pretty pointed words. Those words would include honor, integrity, commitment, family, children and probably "head up your *ss".

 

Wonder what your Dad would say?

 

Mr. Lucky

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You want advice...

 

It was a fincnially irresponsible decision to cash in your 401k to go and sit in the sun with your “girlfriend.” It was also not very fair to your wife, who I would assume was working at home and raising your children while you were living the high life.

 

You do have a new lease on life, after the surgery. Imagine that your health started to decline, what would you want your family to say after you passed? Would you want them to say that you were a hard working man, a good husband and father. What would they think if they knew you were leading a double life? I can just imagine the funeral, when your wife meets your girlfriend... ;)

 

Life is about choices. Choose wisely.

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"I feel horrible for Sue - I promised her I would always be living for the "next time" we could be together. I never thought there would NOT be a next time. I feel awful, I know I will make her so sad when I leave."

 

Could you try perhaps to feel 'horrible' for your wife? You know, the woman you made vows to, the one you had children with, the one who supported you through your illness, the one who cared and trusted enough to let you go away for 3 months on a shag-fest with your soulmate?

 

Could you perhaps try a little empathy towards the woman your promised to love and care for forever.

 

oh and by the way, wanting renovations to your family home does not make you deserving of betrayal.

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I really wonder what sorts of lies you've told to Sue to make her go along with this. If shes' half the wonderful person you paint her as, she's not going to feel too good about being with a married guy. I fully expect she's been fed the usual buffet of excuses to try to rationalize your behavior, either that, or she's every bit as selfish as you are.

 

 

 

op, look at the difference between your posts and those of a truly remorseful WS. I can't recall a single one where the ws felt that their spouse having kitchen renos done to improve the family's home equates to giving permission for their spouse to cash in their financial security for a couple of months roll in the hay.

 

 

You have basically traded in your family's financial security for a few week long trial run with your ow. Do you even hear yourself and how selfish that sounds? You effectively abandoned your wife and your kids ( who you claim to care so much abut) so you could be selfish? Do you not think they would have loved a trip int he sun, after going through all of this with you?

 

As someone who is sick themselves (lymphoma and a couple of auto immune diseases that can kill you) , if I had an opportunity to spend a few weeks of fun with my kids making memories they can enjoy once i'm gone, you can be damned sure I would be spending that time with my FAMILY...not screwing around behind my husband's back and then whining when it's over.

 

Sir, you are damned lucky to have the wife you do. You should be kissing he frickin' ground she walks on..instead? you screw around behind her back and blame her for it?

Really? is that really the kind of man you are? if so, go to your ow and be with her. You two deserve each other.

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"

Could you try perhaps to feel 'horrible' for your wife? You know, the woman you made vows to, the one you had children with, the one who supported you through your illness, the one who cared and trusted enough to let you go away for 3 months on a shag-fest with your soulmate?

 

 

I think every OW should read this thread and see just how selfish the typical MM is.

It might be a real eye opener and save them an awful lot of heartache.

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BourneWicked

I'll play devil's advocate.

 

Life is short. Very short.

 

On the one hand - you definitely want to think about what you want to teach your kids about life and relationships through your actions. Also, it's easy to be in love, happy, in a fantasy relationship that hasn't gone on for very long.

 

On the other hand - what matters more than anything in a strong relationship is shared values and world view. Do you and your wife share these? Do you and Sue share these? Are you going to throw away the rest of your life in a "meh" marriage because some people on a forum tell you to?

 

I think talking to your wife is in order, and considering a separation is in order. Also agree that a talk with your father, mother, or anyone you've known a long time and are close to could be helpful. Also... all these people are bashing you for taking a 3 month vacay with your gf.. but if your wife only visited she couldn't have been missing you too terribly.

 

Good luck poster

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I don't see anyone saying he should stay in the marriage but that he should be honest with his wife and family.

 

As for the BW visiting twice, she's probably working hard to keep the kids home life stable, you know things like going to work, kids going to school etc. Then there's the fact the OP probably did everything in his power to dissuade her, after all he wouldn't want her intruding into his little love-in.

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all these people are bashing you for taking a 3 month vacay with your gf.. but if your wife only visited she couldn't have been missing you too terribly.

 

Unlike the OP, his wife probably doesn't have some unwitting victim on whom she can dump all of life's inconveniences - little things like kids, house, job and everyday responsibilities.

 

Maybe the OP could come home and hold down the fort, and his wife could go visit "Sue"?

 

Mr. Lucky

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