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I am the cheater...what happens when its over?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 15th March 2019, 7:12 PM   #1
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I am the cheater...what happens when its over?

I am not sure even where to begin....

Yes, I am married and I have had an affair for the past 2 years. I am not proud of it, and I feel guilty every day.
My girlfriend and I originally started by "fate" - she sent me a work IM meant for someone else. That led to a year or so of work IM's about everything and anything.
I honestly think I fell in love with her by our texts alone.

Even when we met at a work function for the first time, it all seemed so innocent. But when she and I were the last ones to leave the restaurant, and we kissed by her car, the die was cast.

Sue is single and such a sweet, sweet girl. The connection she and I made is beyond words.
And honestly, it has nothing to do with sex! Due to medical reasons, I am very limited in my sex drive, and she knows this. What she and I have goes so far beyond that.

Now - the problem.
We worked for the same company, so there was always an excuse for me to fly down to where she lived by our home office.
We had plans for her and I to see each other several times a year, for years.
And she was ok with waiting for me.
She never has, or ever will, ask me to leave my family for her. She respects
my life and marriage.

Anyhow, I recently lost my job at the company.
Since I hate winter so much, I borrowed from my 401K and spent the last 3 months down south with her. My wife and family visited me twice, but the rest of the time it was me and Sue spending endless nights and days together.

I did not plan on losing my job.
But I have no excuse to fly down here anymore now though. I have felt more alive in these past couple months with Sue, than I ever felt in my life. We have more of a connection in more ways that I have had in 20 years with my wife.
And that is so sad.

Most people will say "why not just divorce you wife"??
And yes, if it was just my wife, I probably would.
But we have two kids and a home, so I simply cannot walk away from my family.
Let alone "if" I left my wife and brought Sue to a family function down the line, there is no way my family would EVER accept her. She would only be known as the woman who wrecked my marriage. And my family would forever hate me for leaving my wife whom they absolutely adore.

When I leave here in a couple weeks, I probably will never see Sue again.
I realized when I am home I just kind of exist. I go through the motions of life. I have never felt more alive than I do with Sue. We match in so many ways.
What do I do???

Can my wife be more like Sue? no - they are night and day different.
My wife is my friend, which is nice. Sue is everything. We have something
most marriages never have, and something most people can only wish for.
I have had that for just over 2 years now, and especially over the last 3
months.

How can I go back to my regular life now?
I feel horrible for Sue - I promised her I would always be living for the "next time" we could be together. I never thought there would NOT be a next time. I feel awful, I know I will make her so sad when I leave.
I feel bad that my home life now will always be spent thinking of Sue and what she and I shared together.
How can someone go from utopia, to a plain day in /day out life?

Sue and I can literally "belly laugh" together so often when we are
together. We feel such pure joy.
Its so sad, but I dont remember ever belly laughing like that in the
past 20 plus years.

Should I just be happy I got to experience something like this, and just let it go somehow? How?

Sorry for all the questons.
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Old 15th March 2019, 7:33 PM   #2
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For the Trifecta you should tall your wife and divorce her, Sue should realize she really doesn’t want you (if she did she wouldn’t be in waiting this long) and you should find yourself alone.
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Old 15th March 2019, 7:45 PM   #3
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Ok

Thank you.
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Old 15th March 2019, 8:34 PM   #4
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If Sue respected your marriage, she wouldn't be in an affair with you.

Decide which is more important to you-a life that you have built with your wife or the possibility of a new relationship.
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Old 15th March 2019, 9:50 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JD8158 View Post
And she was ok with waiting for me.
JD8158, you're going to get some tough love here, including from me.

Regardless of what else you have going on in your life, love isn't asking "Sue" to wait in limbo for years to get the occasional breadcrumb while you go home to your wife and family. You're damning her to a life of loneliness and heartache.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JD8158 View Post
But we have two kids and a home, so I simply cannot walk away from my family.
But you can leave them for 3-month intervals while you spend familial assets on fun-in-the-sun with Sue?

I'd accuse you of epic levels of selfishness but, honestly, you're no different than the next garden-variety cheater. Me, me, me, I, I ,I, My, my, my. When it all hits the fan, you're going to wish your priorities were very different.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JD8158 View Post
Should I just be happy I got to experience something like this, and just let it go somehow?
No. You should tell your wife, hope she somehow forgives you and attempt to reclaim your life...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 15th March 2019, 9:53 PM   #6
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Sue respects your marriage as much as you do which is not at all!


How did you justify living apart from your family for 3 months? Does your wife know you've taken money from your joint future to fund this little vacation you've just had? Was it under the guise of you trying to find work? Was she supportive? Of course it was fabulous, you've spent this time in a fantasy while your poor wife was dealing with real life, taking over your responsibilities as well as hers to support your family, your kids. While you were having fun who was there to support your wife, financially and emotionally?


Your behaviour is appalling, your wife deserves so much better. A betrayal of this magnitude would be impossible for most people to even imagine. Tell her the truth, she deserves to finally have a say in her own life!
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:26 PM   #7
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Im not all bad

I worked a graveyard shift for almost 20 years so I could be at home with my kids as they grew up. I don't know when I ever slept.
My wife was more than supportive of letting me enjoy 3 months in the sun, a "mini retirement" between jobs during what turned out to be the worst winter in years. I got a nice severance package from my job, so it was not a financial set back at all. ok?
I had open heart surgery 2 years ago.....we are never sure if my body will reject some of the repairs that were done.
And my "poor wife" spent the other half of my severance package doing all the home upgrades she has wanted to do for years. Trust me, I did not care about shiplap walls or granite countertops she had to have.
Bash me all you want, I know I deserve it.
I am just in a bad spot right now - was hoping someone here could relate and offer advice...and not just judge.
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:50 PM   #8
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Really? You're trying to justify your "vacation" by saying your wife was more than supportive taking a break between jobs? That's truly unbelievable, would she have been so supportive if you had told her the truth about your little love in, I truly doubt it.

Yes, your poor wife, you equate your wife upgrading the family home to your cheating, as justification for your actions.

Just tell her the truth. It's obvious you resent her, why not give her the chance to decide.
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:54 PM   #9
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Most people are going to give you matter-of-fact advice and feedback, which means making a choice to either stay in your marriage and recommit to your wife or leave the marriage and see if you can live happily ever after with Sue.

Trying to have both isn't realistic or sustainable. There are plenty of people on this forum that can relate at least to some extent, but unless they are still in the fog of fantasy and denial from their own situation they aren't going to give you sympathetic or positive feedback about where you are at. Sometimes in life you have to make hard choices. You chose to get involved with Sue, now you need to choose how to deal with the consequences.

Use this forum to help you clean up your mess, not wallow in it. That's where the harsh truths come in. Being up front with your wife would clear up a lot of the confusion you are experiencing.

I've had my own mess, I'm in no position to judge yours, I'm just keeping it real with you.
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Old 15th March 2019, 11:14 PM   #10
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Why did you marry your wife if you never felt that level of connection? Or are you just re-writing history?


This is what happens when people marry just because they are of certain age and find a tolerable partner and eh it's just easier.



Break up with your wife and start your life with Sue. Your marriage is already ruined for good. Children don't care as much as people seem to think they do. They are much more affected when their parents stay together but are unhappy - they can sense it.
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Old 16th March 2019, 12:17 AM   #11
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The below is just my opinion:

Agree with the standard line which is that you need to choose one way or the other. You've had your cake and eaten it too, no sense whining about it having to end like you're a 6 year old.

Some advice on that point:
  • Some folks on this forum will probably tell you to tell your wife. I suggest you listen to them and give it serious consideration as there are surprisingly good reasons to do this. I also suggest you consult an attorney (many will do a free half hour consult) about the impact of infidelity on divorce in your specific state and really think carefully about what you want and hope to gain (and might possibly lose) before doing any revealing.
  • Your brain is somewhat addicted to your mistress. IF you decide to stay with your wife, I suggest that you go full no contact (NC). My belief is that will make it easier on everyone involved, including you. This means no contact in any way, including checking up on social media, etc. For most people, this kind of stuff re-triggers the emotions and prolongs the stress/distress.
One way or the other this is going to be a train wreck (really it already is). You MIGHT have some choices about what kind of train wreck it is.
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Old 16th March 2019, 12:34 AM   #12
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Really if you don't love your wife, let her go. Or tell her and let her choose if she wishes to remain married or not. Or quit cheating, and put all that energy you put into your affair on falling back in love with your life. Being a cheater is not a good feeling. I know. Former Serial Cheater here.
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Old 16th March 2019, 12:49 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JD8158 View Post
I borrowed from my 401K and spent the last 3 months down south with her. My wife and family visited me twice, but the rest of the time it was me and Sue spending endless nights and days together. ...When I leave here in a couple weeks....
You've separated from your family for up to four months and you want me to believe that you actually care about your children? No - not buying it.

You've faced some health issues that brought you face to face with mortality. Well, guess what? Your wife and kids are mortal too and you're not really much of a hero to them are you?

Enough with the boo-hoo-hoo's. Time to man up.
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Old 16th March 2019, 2:19 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JD8158 View Post
I had open heart surgery 2 years ago.....we are never sure if my body will reject some of the repairs that were done.
Sounds like you got a second chance, a new lease on life.

Doesn't seem judgmental to ask you what you plan on doing with the opportunity. I hope this isn't it...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 16th March 2019, 2:47 AM   #15
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Your wife is your wife in so many ways, she looked after you when were ill, she allowed you to go away for 3 months as a treat/retreat. You two have built a life together, share children together, family and friends entwined. You obviously loved your wife enough to marry her and have kids together. You both have been through ups and downs, good times and bad times. That's life!

You and Sue are exciting and she's 'new' so of course the feelings are going to be more intense and crush like than what you now share with your wife. Sue meets your needs NOW, makes you feel good but in the long run once those feelings get less intense you may realize your wife is the one who makes you feel better, who understands you most, who will always have your back.

Don't be re writing marital history and exaggerate problems at home to justify what you're doing to your wife with Sue. I'm guessing things at home were actually pretty good before you chose to allow yourself to get close to another woman.

Go to counseling and figure out who it is you want. Don't continue cheating on your wife and betraying your family unit. Your wife probably knows something is very off especially since you're hurting and missing your AP. It won't take your wife too long to wonder and think why you're so depressed and not acting like yourself.

Have you considered just telling your wife the truth? Are you prepared to face it all if/when she finds out? Someone may know and could tell her, never say never.
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