Wife talking to ex

[Missing4]

Whelp... if you’ve read my previous thread How to say I’m over “this” you?, it was essentially I was getting fed up of a loveless marriage, even though I’ve been working my butt off for it. It’s gotten to the point that it DIDNT make sense why it wasn’t working.

 

Weeeeeeeell today I was using wife’s phone to watch Netflix with kiddo. She gets a text from a weird name. I open it (curiosity and fearing the worst) and find a single message from some guy. I know cuz I clicked on his number. It was an out of country number. Hmm... the chat doesn’t have a backlog... HMM...

 

I start thinking “guess she’s cheating on me.” I ask her about it later and she tells me it’s her ex bf, the one that she and I had huge trust issues because of stuff she hid about their relationship from me. I felt betrayed when I discovered she was lying about her past with him. She lied to protect me.

 

So she says she’s been talking to him and catching up for NINE MONTHS! I LOST IT. Said **** this. Been killing myself for the last however many years, and this is how I get repayed? She KNEW it was wrong because why else would she delete them?? She said to not “be reminded” of this guy and his imploding marriage. Apparently they started texting cuz he RANDOMLY messaged her in June.

 

Guess what happened in August? She “didn’t know how to tell me that she’s planning to move out,” which she says has nothing to do with the ex.

 

I’m so mad. So so mad. It’s done. Told her to decide which of the two is moving out. Done wasting my energy. YEARS i worked 2-3 jobs at a time, while supporting her education and my kid’s life, WHILE supplying a completely comfortable life.

 

Un-****ing-real.

 

She has no idea what she wants in her life. Told her it’s not me. I’m out.

 

Was I wrong?? Am I justified to be mad? I ****ING HATE THAT GUY AND SHE KNOWS IT TO ALL HELL!! Siiiiiiiigh I’m a really nice guy that’s generally looking out for improvement in all aspects of life, I don’t need this >.<

 

...or maybe I do?

 

Either way... the hell do I do now? She hasn’t cheated, and I WANT to believe her, I’ll say 99.9% I do so let’s just say I do... so..? Do I bother with her? 9 months...

Edited March 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added link to past thread

[Mr. Lucky]

Whelp... if you’ve read my previous thread, it was essentially I was getting fed up of a loveless marriage, even though I’ve been working my butt off for it.

 

Having read your previous thread, as bad as the relationship has been for you, it's been no picnic for her either. An unplanned pregnancy and watching your ADHD spouse battle alcoholism would a challenge for anyone.

 

Your wife's undisclosed conversation with her ex is wrong, a perspective you might have from your own infidelity. Given the battered and bruised condition of your marriage and the participants, probably time to chose either a full reset or separation. MC might bring clarity to the choices for both of you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Missing4]

Oh Mr. lucky, how true it is. We tried MC but she wasn’t a fan. MC was

Pretty much mirroring what I’m saying, but was oddly pushing the subject of how much sex we want in the relationship. Anyways, she didn’t want to continue MC. MC happened after I searched for it in September. I wasn’t sitting on my pass playing the victim card. I caused as much damage as she had. Problem is that I don’t want to keep living in that broken place. Why don’t we work on this marriage together, you know?

 

I want to do a reset, because I agree, the past relationship was CRAP. Two young people that were broken as ****. The problem is that only one of us was communicating the fact that they were working to improve themselves and for the marriage. I wouldn’t want the past relationship.

 

When I ask for a divorce she breaks down in tears, has panic attacks, almost to the point of seizures. Wtf. She’s my love so I tend to her. But again, when figuring out what she wants, she just goes into “I’m trash, I don’t deserve you,” etc.

 

And now this.

 

I just don’t wanna keep wasting time. We’re 33 and 36. If we don’t want to make it work (I do, but it’s a team effort so we both have to want it), then there’s no point in investing more resources into it.

 

A reset is welcome. A divorce is inevitable. Limbo is where I was.

 

Ps: it’s no fun for me either, discovering and battling addiction and adhd while alone. I didn’t get her support then, which led to more use to drown the pain of loneliness. Addiction is no joke :/

[BaileyB]

With respect, this sounds like a train wreck of a relationship.

 

I would file for divorce. Too much has happened here to have a happy future together. I’m sorry.

[standtall]

OP, Don't believe a word of it. She is ready to move out now because she has finalized her exit plan to go back to him. Women with minor children rarely move out until their parachute has been packed. It sounds like the ex has helped her with it. As to the physical infidelity, ask yourself if it really matters at this point...she has already checked out of the marriage.

[Mrs._December]

She lied to protect me.

Please tell me you made this statement with a healthy dose of sarcasm.

 

Cheaters/liars/sneaks like your wife don't do anything to 'protect' anyone but their own sorry hides. The only one she was 'protecting' was herself.

[Orokotikki]

She's banging the ex. 110%

So sorry bud.

Out her and kick her to curb.

[Missing4]

Oh man... is there no salvage to this? I’ll update on what happened.

 

So this morning I snapped. I got home after taking 4 year old kiddo to scanschool And saw her on the bathroom floor. Of course soft hearted dumbass me I go to tend for her, cuz lord knows she’s just a human. From there, I lose it on how I’ve wasted all this time, pushed myself to limits, and for what? This huge spit in my face? I think I’m more mad that she was going to trade down, and to a guy that treated her like garbage no less.

 

After more me calling her a dumbass and to get her **** together, I tell her that as it stands this relationship is going to end. If she’s not up to the work it takes to build and maintain a great relationship, then she’s not gonna have a home in two months (end of school, saves me headaches). If she can prove to me she wants this, and puts in the work to be the person she wants to be, then we’ll be great again.

 

I can get over emotional affairs, but it’ll take a lot of time. The last time this happened, in the same ****ing way lol, it took me months and maybe years?

 

Is she worth it? Only if she loves herself enough again. I can’t be with someone I can’t trust.

 

I dunno... I’m just hopeful. If she even kissed another person then I’m out. This... I dunno... would pulling the plug NOW be worth it? Or is this path I’m taking the sensible way? It’s only until June then I/we decide. She passively agreed...

 

Anyways, thoughts?

[standtall]

OP...did I miss something? Why was she on the bathroom floor? Was it a medical or addiction issue?

I hate to say it, but you have already lost her. If she has addiction issues, then your child will be much better off out of daily contact with her.

[Missing4]

OP...did I miss something? Why was she on the bathroom floor? Was it a medical or addiction issue?

I hate to say it, but you have already lost her. If she has addiction issues, then your child will be much better off out of daily contact with her.

 

No no, lemme explain/clarify things from the original thread.

 

I’m addicted to marijuana, but trying very hard to quit, starting therapy soon.

She herself casually smokes, like maybe once every other night. I’m the one that’s coping with marijuana.

 

She was on the floor from a panic attack. She also self harmed which worried me. In the morning I took my kid to school and came home to see the wife on the floor as described.

 

I told her that her relationship with this person is cheating on me.

 

She cried. Apologized. Said it’s true. Said she was reconnecting but it really is cheating. She sent him a text that said “don’t message me anymore *thumbsup emoji”. Unfortunately she deleted the chat and his number, so I don’t know if it’s true... guess sigh... I’ll have to take her word for it? Whatever strength it has. The problem is that her word is no longer 100% nor 0%. I wish it was either or. Sigh.

 

Gave her the wayward spouse thread to read. I think she read it, because for the first time in 4 years she came to me while I was in a bad mental space, lay on the bed beside me and held me. It was nice. Then kid came and both were piling on me heh.

 

She seems remorseful and true. I just hate that I have to go through the turmoil or betrayal again. And I HATE that I will never know the full truth. Siiiiigh.

 

Hope that cleared it up!

Edited March 15, 2019 by Missing4
CLrification

[Missing4]

Sorry for the spam, just going through bad vibes in my head

 

The first time I went through recovery from betrayal it was hard. Didn’t have any knowledge, ideas, or ANYTHING to read about being betrayed. Just went through it. Looking back, I wonder if I ever actually got over it... is this why i was so needy? I was never able to get through the betrayal the first time? I thought I did...

 

This second time I’m so much more prepared, but feelings are feelings :/ really hope I can process this quickly with her support, cuz I’m so so tired guys, I could cry

[Missing4]

Last update until anything major occurs!

 

So after we put the kid to sleep, the wife came to me, hugged me, kissed me, apologized to me for “being selfish and stupid. It was inappropriate and wrong. I’m sorry for hurting you. I want to try.” She kisses me again and holds on tight.

She’s read the WS thread and is following it. I’m hopeful for the future, but I’ve been hopeful before...

 

Nevertheless, im glad she’s now actively trying!! Jesus h Christ! She’s blocked and removed the guy from all means of contact. Asked her if she wanted to remain friends with him and she said no, and made sure to emphasize she was wrong. I told her she has to figure out why she was friends with him for 9 months hidden from me. She NEEDS to figure it out, for her and for me.

 

I’m thinking he was her exit plan, or her “addiction” relationship, or who knows.

Either way, it looks like she’s woken up finally I hope she stays like this.

 

I’m gonna try my best to quit weed. I asked her for help, and like I said, therapy. I’m hoping all these changes and future changes will keep us happy

 

Thank you Loveshack!

[Orokotikki]

Eyes open, mouth shut.

 

You may want to see if she's willing to let you run recovery software on the phone.

The sooner it is run the more effective it can be.

 

Sorry you're here.

Be strong.

[Missing4]

Something major!

 

So this morning I take kiddo to school. On my way home the intrusive thoughts begin. "9 months... how many things is she omitting? if I didn't catch her blah BLAH BLAH." You can see where this is headed. I get home and lie in the bed to shut my brain off. I didn't want to think about it. Then thought "No! that's rug sweeping! if its in ur head u need to get it out!"

 

She saw me in bed, lied down beside me and held me.

 

me: "Hey... if I read your entire chat, am I going to see something that's gonna break me?"

 

wife: ".... ..... .... ... .... i didn't stop his flirting with me."

 

I got angry upset. Not mad. Just not happy. Told her that this was clearly an escape relationship. She was trying to get out. She was getting something from him. For 9 months, while I tried, suffered, sacrificed, arranged counselling, read and worked on everything... it was one sided. This isn't a relationship. I was married to you while you were dating your ex.

 

She apologized. BROKE DOWN (again...). She said: "I want to try to earn the chances you keep giving me. I havent put anything into the marriage, while you worked so hard. I shut down and actively pulled away and sabotaged my relationship because I didn't think that I deserved a person like you" Im looking at the floor the whole time while shes saying this. Listening. The next part got me...

 

her: "I love you! Im so ****ing stupid. Ive been blocking myself from being intimate with you. Im so, so sorry. I stopped myself from touching you. I was punishing myself and hurting you. I love you. I didn't say it but i love you love you... I broke our marriage, for all these years, and im sorrrrryyy i love you!" this was followed by tears, hugging, and her saying all the right things.

 

Ever since the breakdown (2 hours ago) it's like she's a completely different person! She's attentive, smiley, hugs and all. Asked her if theres more shes omitting, because this CANT KEEP HAPPENING. Told her dont bother asking him for the conversation. She was definitely in an EA, and she'll hopefully learn from this.

 

Told her to leave if she's just afraid of the unknown single world. There's no point of being with me if it's just cuz it's the only thing uve known for 9 years.

 

She reaffirmed her resolve for the marriage and working to be someone that deserves me in their life.

 

Thanks for reading~ will update in the next major thing

 

Im glad i didn't rugsweep my feelings. I don't have anything to lose, afterall heh.

[Missing4]

Eyes open, mouth shut.

 

You may want to see if she's willing to let you run recovery software on the phone.

The sooner it is run the more effective it can be.

 

Sorry you're here.

Be strong.

 

Thank you! <3 She was willing to get it back. After the morning conversation, I asked more questions... I dunno... I think she's being genuine. I think she's a human that was in the process of destroying her future. I think she got lucky I happened to discover it before she destroyed herself.

 

She removed, deleted, blocked him. She's showing me effort that I havent seen in 5 years. I told her that if she wants to leave, just get the balls and leave, cuz im not gonna start spying or checking up on her; that's not a relationship.

 

Thank you for your support. I keep rereading threads and posts, and the love from you guys to BSs everywhere is a blessing.

 

I'll keep u guys updated! <3

[amaysngrace]

She hides things from you for your own protection then self-harms when you call her out on the secrets she’s been keeping from you for your own protection?

 

Sorry bud, but you sure got yourself one manipulator of a wife.

[BreakOnThrough]

She is just conscience dumping, creates intensive bonding hormones and serotonin uptake. After this, you may go through a hyper-bonding period, the relationship may feel new and revived, best sex ever, but the episode is often short lived. She has A LOT of work to do before any real progress will be made, if she is willing, but past precedence will more than likely prevail when all the "chemicals" wear off.

[Missing4]

She is just conscience dumping, creates intensive bonding hormones and serotonin uptake. After this, you may go through a hyper-bonding period, the relationship may feel new and revived, best sex ever, but the episode is often short lived. She has A LOT of work to do before any real progress will be made, if she is willing, but past precedence will more than likely prevail when all the "chemicals" wear off.

 

Oh I’m quite aware of this very serious concern. She’s now showing traits that are typical of a healthy spouse. In the future, I’ll be able to have a frame of reference of what IS healthy. I’m feeling good with what she’s doing.

 

If she’s genuine, then the affection should remain but maybe with less intensity. This also depends on ME, And if I can be the spouse SHE needs as well.

 

I’m no longer blind by “love.” Relationships need watering of the grass from both partners. We can’t expect to keep the grass green for only one of us but expect both of us to be happy heh.

 

How would you tread moving forward?

[Adotta]

Dude just check her damn phone with the damn fonelab program recovery. Don't gamble on this. I know you are probably afraid of what you may find. But fear is not a motivator anyone should operate based upon. Cut to the chase. Expecting honesty from her is a ludicrous expectation.

 

 

 

She is probably not even doing what she is doing out of malice. I think you a confusing malice and manipulation and lying. She can intend the best in her addled mind and still do the worst. She probably convinces herself daily she doesn't mean to hurt you. She may even believe it fully. The fist thing spouses who come to this site need to realize is their spouse isn't who they thought they were. They are usually damaged and very immature inside. I believe you think your wife would never maliciously do things like I am hinting at to you. She probably isn't doing them maliciously. The psychology of a wayward is way flip upside down crazy in most cases. Her freak outs are all the evidence I need to tell you you are dealing with a very unhealthy individual. She's got some issues that badly need working out. And she will probably bite and claw on the way to figuring them out.

 

 

 

I recommend a poly as well. Though that sets some people off.

 

 

 

I would also proceed to sign her up for individual counseling. You could probably use some too.

 

 

 

After she begins to unwrap the crazy I can ASSURE you she has in her head.... THEN you can do some marriage counseling.

 

 

 

If she bucks at any of that tell her she already admits she has been sabatoging the marriage. Now she jumps in the trench and starts digging pronto or she can go. OR better yet she gets divorce papers.

 

 

I warn you. She is going to whine. She is going to cry. She is going to heap self pity on herself. She will drag her feet.there will be a plethora of excuses as to why she's not ready for this, or hasn't quite gotten to doing any work on herself and the relationship

When she does.... You have two options. Accept it and beg for better.

 

 

OR PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN IMMEDIATELY. DON'T BUDGE. (This isn't black and white. Of course the time for dinner to be cooked is debatable... duh.) She makes concrete actions that better the relationship and your trust..... or she gets divorced.

 

 

 

Putting the foot down and standing firm is what works. It worked for you just recently. But it's a lifetime thing. You have accepted sub par from this marriage for far too long. At this point you should be screaming NOT ONE MORE MINUTE.

 

 

Check out the book no more Mr. Nice guy. Married man's sex life primer might be a good read for you as well. It's not what it sounds like exactly.

Edited March 20, 2019 by Adotta