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Is he really loyal?


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My husband of 15 years always says he is loyal to a fault and that is a big priority for him. He was very dishonest about finances for a long time, but we had a fallimg out about that amd then reconciled. We jhave 3 kids under 7years old.

Ive never really had serious doubts that this is true until a few weeks ago.

 

About a month ago, he handed me a sweater and said i had left it in the car. It wasn't mine. No big deal, but the look on his face said "oh ****". I snooped in his computer one night (there are still some trust issues from the financial infidelity and he knows i look every now amd then) and i found a message from one of our mutual friends saying "im so confused, can we talk?" And he replied that he was available the next day at 330. He never mentioned this to me, but a few days later he said that he had got a call from her, and she is not doing well. She has been having marriage issues and is really unstable. He said that she tried to sell herself as a prostitute because ahe is out of money, but no one would buy her so she is really upset. I said "wow that is sad". (She has really gone off the rails as of late)

 

I was very suspicious at this point and i thought i recognised the sweater as hers too. I messaged her to ask if it was hers but she didnt reply. I havent seen her.

 

I made the crazy decision to buy a gps and put it in my husbands car. I know this is bad and spells the end, but my gut was screamimg at me that there was something going on. After the first day, he went to work and came home, end of story, and i almost turned it off.

 

But on the second day, he left work part way through the day amd went to her house. He then went back to work and came home after at around the usual time. That was 2 days ago.

 

He hasn't said anything about seeing her. What do you think are the chances he is cheating with her?

 

My second question is about how i am acting now. I feel uncertain that this is enough proof as im reasonably sure that if i confront him he will find a reason that he went to her house amd didnt tell me. Im trying to wait to see if it happens again, but im going nuts. I've kicked him out of my bed for vague reasons and told him i need a few weeks to think. He is confused. What should i do????

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2 questions

1. Does it sound to you like he is cheating, or am i crazy?

2. Should i confront him, wait, or what should i do??

 

 

 

My second question is about how i am acting now. I feel uncertain that this is enough proof as im reasonably sure that if i confront him he will find a reason that he went to her house amd didnt tell me. Im trying to wait to see if it happens again, but im going nuts. I dont want to put all my cards on the table about the GPS.....i want to catch him in the act! But then i keep telling myself that maybe im wrong amd there is another explanation for all of this.....I've kicked him out of my bed for vague reasons and told him i need a few weeks to think. He is confused. What should i do????

 

I dont want to make any rash decisions but it doesn't look good, does it??

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There is a possibility that he is simply listening to her as she needs a shoulder to cry on but he could do that in your living room.

 

You already know he's not as loyal as he claims.

 

There are reasons to be suspicious. At minimum you need to talk to him about your concerns & what you have found.

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There is a possibility that he is simply listening to her as she needs a shoulder to cry on but he could do that in your living room.

 

You already know he's not as loyal as he claims.

 

There are reasons to be suspicious. At minimum you need to talk to him about your concerns & what you have found.

 

 

I am worried that if i talk to him now, when im not 100% certain, he will deny it and i will spend the rest of my life (?) doubting that. On the other hand, if i wait for more info, maybe i can be more sure? Maybe the gps wull show he goes back to see her amd i can catch him?

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I suspected something was going on with a particular girl. She is a mutual friend of ours whose marriage is breaking up. She has been contacting him a lot to talk........

 

Within 2 days of the gps in his car, it showed he went to her house in the middle of his work day for 2 hours.

 

He hasn't mentioned seeing her, or her at all for over 2 weeks.

 

Is this enough evidence or should i wait for more before approaching him? Im fairly certain he will just say he was supporting her if i ask....and i will have trouble believing that

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I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Do not confront!! You are not crazy or unreasonable -- your husband is lying to you and is clearly cheating. But no, you don't have enough proof yet. Sit tight, act normal, gather info. Put a Voice Activated Controller (VAR) in his car. Hire a PI. I guarentee he is having an affair.

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Don't confront him. You are correct that he will deny and turn it back on you. He will act angry and offended that you would think such a thing and make you feel like you are just being paranoid and jealous.

 

You say this woman is a mutual friend and she is having marital issues. How did you and your husband become friends with her? Who met her first and does this friendship include her husband? Why would she not talk to you about her marital problems? Since your friends with her too and she is married it is highly inappropriate of her to be seeking your husband out for private talks even if she really is just telling him her problems. However I think there is more going on. It's very suspicious that she's so eager and available to talk to your husband yet she completely ignored your message asking about the sweater.

 

Can you do more investigation? Check his phone bill for frequently called numbers, maybe search his car for telltale evidence. I used to have a partner who was very dishonest about his finances, how much money he made and what he was spending. I was paying for everything because he was always broke. I found all the evidence I needed in his car. If you confront him now he and her will just be a lot more careful about covering their tracks and it will drive you mad. Stay quiet while you gather more information.

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mark clemson
2 questions

1. Does it sound to you like he is cheating, or am i crazy?

2. Should i confront him, wait, or what should i do??

 

(1) It's sounds like that a distinct possibility, sadly. Not crazy, but probably emotionally distressed (quite understandably).

 

(2) If you confront, you MAY nip something in the bud. Or, you MAY just cause him to become even more sneaky/deceptive if he is determined to cheat.

 

If you wait and gather evidence you may have your answer more definitively one way or the other.

 

So, you have some thinking to do about what you really want.

 

The suggestion I have seen around here a lot is IF you confront, don't reveal how you know (GPS, and VAR and/or PI if you decide to do that). That way you can continue to monitor him effectively IF you feel it's necessary to do that.

 

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

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As one BS to another, Crazelnut is 100% spot on.

Do this ASAP and figure out what you want from life, given that he is certainly cheating.

Imagine your H has been replaced by an alien, at this point you cannot believe anything he says. The cheater who is found out will very often 100% deny anything you cannot prove.

 

So sorry you are here.

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Do this ASAP and figure out what you want from life, given that he is certainly cheating.

 

Livyk101, look at it this way - he's already told you he's talked to her and it doesn't sound like you objected. So if all they did was talk again, why the secrecy?

 

I'd have doubted his intentions every before you said she'll trade sex for money. Red alert, code red and red flag, he's fooling around with her.

 

MC and NC with her becomes immediately important. He needs to also be transparent about his time and communication while you work through (assuming that's your choice) these issues. He's shown he can't be trusted.

 

Honestly, if the financial dishonesty was strike one and this strike two, not sure I'd wait around for strike three. With three young kids, you need to think about the rest of your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I don’t like wondering if my man is disrespecting me...

 

I don’t like the broken trust either. He certainly isn’t earning your trust back now.

 

It really looks like he’s got something going on with this OW... and it can’t be good for your M.

 

Do you have kids?

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Do you have kids?

 

Her situation certainly complicated by this:

 

We have 3 kids under 7 years old.

 

Mr. Lucky

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Well, the fact she's trying to sell herself for sex and failing is certainly the big red flag here. I mean, in what universe do you confess that to a friend's husband???? So I think she's either trying to find a man to bail her out of her problems OR soliciting him, and I wonder when she says she's confused if she can't tell if he's having a relationship with her or paying her for sex -- but they're up to something and you need to put a stop to it.

 

Call her husband and tell him what you know. This woman is not your friend.

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Livyk101, look at it this way - he's already told you he's talked to her and it doesn't sound like you objected. So if all they did was talk again, why the secrecy?

 

I'd have doubted his intentions every before you said she'll trade sex for money. Red alert, code red and red flag, he's fooling around with her.

 

MC and NC with her becomes immediately important. He needs to also be transparent about his time and communication while you work through (assuming that's your choice) these issues. He's shown he can't be trusted.

 

Honestly, if the financial dishonesty was strike one and this strike two, not sure I'd wait around for strike three. With three young kids, you need to think about the rest of your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you so much mr lucky for your supportive and honest words. You've also pointed out a few truths i haven't thought of yet.....which os rare because im a thinker. A gullible thinker, but a thinker nonetheless.

 

I burst into tears when i read your last paragraph. I just want what is best for my kids but compromising myself for someone who is breaking my heart for the second time might be a line a cant cross. :(

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Don't confront him. You are correct that he will deny and turn it back on you. He will act angry and offended that you would think such a thing and make you feel like you are just being paranoid and jealous.

 

You say this woman is a mutual friend and she is having marital issues. How did you and your husband become friends with her? Who met her first and does this friendship include her husband? Why would she not talk to you about her marital problems? Since your friends with her too and she is married it is highly inappropriate of her to be seeking your husband out for private talks even if she really is just telling him her problems. However I think there is more going on. It's very suspicious that she's so eager and available to talk to your husband yet she completely ignored your message asking about the sweater.

 

Can you do more investigation? Check his phone bill for frequently called numbers, maybe search his car for telltale evidence. I used to have a partner who was very dishonest about his finances, how much money he made and what he was spending. I was paying for everything because he was always broke. I found all the evidence I needed in his car. If you confront him now he and her will just be a lot more careful about covering their tracks and it will drive you mad. Stay quiet while you gather more information.

 

I want to answer your questions about the woman, because I feel like they are important but I don't know why exactly.

 

Firstly, our children go to school together. That is how we met. We were acquaintances that hung out sometimes at first, and then she actively perused a friendship with my husband and myself - asking us to her house and trying to arrange playdates etc. She was very clear that she wanted to be our friend and thought the world of us. Our sons are friends, and I know her husband quite well too. As I mentioned, she has gone off the rails lately and is acting very erratically - I think she is mentally ill. I have backed off of my friendship with her and she seems to have backed off too. I haven't spoken to her in over a month.

 

I asked my husband at one point why he thinks she is calling him (and not me) to talk about her issues. He said its because he is a good listener (its true, he is a good listener - this is not always my strongest point, especially when people are acting totally erratically and prostituting themselves etc.). My husband also works for a company that helps people work through their issues (he isn't the one who generally does the helping, he's just the manager.) She became involved in what the company is selling.....attending workshops etc.

 

I'm trying sooooo hard to stay quiet but I think I've screwed up. I couldn't sleep in the same bed as him, so when we had a fight I asked him for a few weeks space. We were fighting about something trivial, but I pushed it to blowing up to the 'let's end this relationship' phase. I got the bed to myself without telling him about the GPS or what I knew - I was happy.

 

But the next night he wanted to talk and try to resolve what to him seemed like a silly fight. I was adamant that I was taking 2 weeks space before we talked, maybe longer. Now he is trying to do ALLLL the right things....took the kids to school yesterday, messaging me about how much he loves me and how strong and amazing I am. He even said that he thinks he needs to be built up more in our relationship and this is something he needs from me, although he hasn't been able to say it before. Dear God.

 

At first I was receptive to his texts etc. - but then I started thinking, why isn't he questioning my reasoning more? Surely he must be wondering what the hell is going on? He is accepting it pretty easily -- 1) he knows he's done something wrong? 2) even if he did something wrong, he will probably not do it again now because he doesn't actually want to end our marriage.

 

Sigh. Tracker is on, counselling sessions are booked, and I wait. So anxious. So hard.

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(1) It's sounds like that a distinct possibility, sadly. Not crazy, but probably emotionally distressed (quite understandably).

 

(2) If you confront, you MAY nip something in the bud. Or, you MAY just cause him to become even more sneaky/deceptive if he is determined to cheat.

 

If you wait and gather evidence you may have your answer more definitively one way or the other.

 

So, you have some thinking to do about what you really want.

 

The suggestion I have seen around here a lot is IF you confront, don't reveal how you know (GPS, and VAR and/or PI if you decide to do that). That way you can continue to monitor him effectively IF you feel it's necessary to do that.

 

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

 

Thanks so much, Mark, and everyone for your kind and supportive words. I find it very hard to conceal my knowledge and live deceptively like this - it's only a matter of time before I tell him what I know I'm just hoping I can hold out long enough for more information, or enough information, to come to light. I need to also decide if on it's own, this is enough information

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Well, the fact she's trying to sell herself for sex and failing is certainly the big red flag here. I mean, in what universe do you confess that to a friend's husband???? So I think she's either trying to find a man to bail her out of her problems OR soliciting him, and I wonder when she says she's confused if she can't tell if he's having a relationship with her or paying her for sex -- but they're up to something and you need to put a stop to it.

 

Call her husband and tell him what you know. This woman is not your friend.

 

He also said that she told him that she was interested in experimenting with bondage. That was a few months ago. I thought that a strange thing to share with my husband as well, but I stupidly (?) trusted him.

 

I know the woman's husband quite well - he's a pretty nice guy. I walked by him on the school run today and my heart dropped. I just said hi and made small talk. I don't think I am ready to try to talk to him about it, if ever. And then there's the whole side of upsetting him too??? But maybe he would have more information --

 

My feelings are in line with yours that she is trying to solicit him or find someone to bail her out of her problems - and I think there is even more to it than that but I don't really care about that. He should have more integrity. I fully blame him, not her. (But no, she certianly is NOT my friend, it seems!)

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No he isn’t

one bit loyal. He’s engaging in completely inappropriate conversations with her.

 

That’s completely disrespectful to you!

 

Is he going to stop ALL contact with her?

 

What are you going to do if he won’t?

 

He seems aligned with her way more than you.

 

Your marriage is in a heap of trouble! Get a plan and make sure you protect yourself/your future!

 

I’d lay it out clearly for him - absolutely NO contact with her or the marriage is OVER!

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Thegameoflife

OP, you actually don't really know that your husband is cheating. Currently, you know that he's meeting her without your knowledge, and she has shared inappropriate things about herself. Suspicion is reasonable, but you lack concrete evidence of sex; not that it isn't possible, or maybe even likely.

 

However, I would be concerned, because it does seem as though she is trying to lure him in. The horny and inappropriate damsel in distress is an old trick in the book.

 

If I was you, I would approach this problem as one of feeling as though they are developing an inappropriate relationship.

 

I would say this to your husband. "I have been upset because I feel that since whatsherface has separated, I feel like she has been developing an unhealthy relationship with you. I'm worried that she is trying to lure you into an affair, and that you're going to start meeting her in secret."

 

Then you push him to end private meets to quell your fears, explaining that it's seriously damaging your relationship with him, and helping her doesn't justify the negative consequences in your relationship.

 

After that, keep watching his movements. If he's having an affair and thinks he can cleverly sneak a meet with her, you will see his tracker making house calls. If he does, hit him with a frying pan. Just kidding. Decide whether he can rebuild trust, or start your own separation. No point in trying to work things out with people who won't consider reasonable apprehensions, or sneak around on you.

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Thanks for this. I am accepting now that i may never know for sure why he went to her house that day, which is part of what i signed up for when i put that gps in his car. Yes i think i will take most of your advice here. Very wise, ta!

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PinkPampies

You must remain patient. Do NOT confront until you have definitive proof.

 

If your instinct is telling you something, listen to it.

 

What about a VAR and put it in his car so you could try to listen to some conversations with her?

 

You don’t have enough proof yet, so stay vigilant and find more.

 

So sorry you’re going through this.

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Mrs._December

Sure, it IS possible that he's helping a friend in need and nothing more. :rolleyes:

 

And, there's also the possibility the OP might shake hands with Jesus tomorrow, too.

 

I actually have more faith in the Jesus handshaking scenario actually happening than I do of it being true that the OP's blatant liar of a husband is just being altruistic and charitable to some poor, helpless woman down on her luck. He's sneaky, he's shady, and he's an accomplished LIAR.

 

I wouldn't believe a word out of his lying mouth, but he's sure trying to paint himself as some kind of helpless victim while this woman is some kind of black widow spider trying to lure the poor unsuspecting victim into her web. Please. :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

You know what victims DON'T do? They don't lie to you continuously while they keep up contact someone else and talk about sex with them. They don't go to work and sneak out to go over their 'friend's' house and LIE to you about it by purposely not telling you. That's not a victim.

 

 

That's a SNEAK.

 

 

OP, you want so badly to believe that he's innocent but if you sweep this right under the carpet it WILL come back to bite you in the ass.

 

If I were you, I'd be scheduling a full STD panel and a polygraph test for this liar you're married to.

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I actually have more faith in the Jesus handshaking scenario actually happening than I do of it being true that the OP's blatant liar of a husband is just being altruistic and charitable to some poor, helpless woman down on her luck.

 

...who is also thinking of dabbling in prostitution and experimenting with bondage too...

Of course it is all innocent on your husband's part... what a saint he is...

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He's cheating. There is no reason for him to meet with another woman to talk about her marriage issues. At the very least it's unprofessional. If she needs someone to talk to, talk to a counsellor, to a female friend, not to a married man. The fact he hid it from you and the fact he admitted that she was or is a prostitute looking for sex, is a huge red flag. Add in that you said he has been financial dishonest. I would be very worried. This is coming from a former cheater.

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He hid it from you and chose communicating with her over you/your relationship.

 

His alliance is with her.

 

That tells you everything you might wonder about.

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