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Is he really loyal?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 12th March 2019, 1:44 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by anika99 View Post
Don't confront him. You are correct that he will deny and turn it back on you. He will act angry and offended that you would think such a thing and make you feel like you are just being paranoid and jealous.

You say this woman is a mutual friend and she is having marital issues. How did you and your husband become friends with her? Who met her first and does this friendship include her husband? Why would she not talk to you about her marital problems? Since your friends with her too and she is married it is highly inappropriate of her to be seeking your husband out for private talks even if she really is just telling him her problems. However I think there is more going on. It's very suspicious that she's so eager and available to talk to your husband yet she completely ignored your message asking about the sweater.

Can you do more investigation? Check his phone bill for frequently called numbers, maybe search his car for telltale evidence. I used to have a partner who was very dishonest about his finances, how much money he made and what he was spending. I was paying for everything because he was always broke. I found all the evidence I needed in his car. If you confront him now he and her will just be a lot more careful about covering their tracks and it will drive you mad. Stay quiet while you gather more information.
I want to answer your questions about the woman, because I feel like they are important but I don't know why exactly.

Firstly, our children go to school together. That is how we met. We were acquaintances that hung out sometimes at first, and then she actively perused a friendship with my husband and myself - asking us to her house and trying to arrange playdates etc. She was very clear that she wanted to be our friend and thought the world of us. Our sons are friends, and I know her husband quite well too. As I mentioned, she has gone off the rails lately and is acting very erratically - I think she is mentally ill. I have backed off of my friendship with her and she seems to have backed off too. I haven't spoken to her in over a month.

I asked my husband at one point why he thinks she is calling him (and not me) to talk about her issues. He said its because he is a good listener (its true, he is a good listener - this is not always my strongest point, especially when people are acting totally erratically and prostituting themselves etc.). My husband also works for a company that helps people work through their issues (he isn't the one who generally does the helping, he's just the manager.) She became involved in what the company is selling.....attending workshops etc.

I'm trying sooooo hard to stay quiet but I think I've screwed up. I couldn't sleep in the same bed as him, so when we had a fight I asked him for a few weeks space. We were fighting about something trivial, but I pushed it to blowing up to the 'let's end this relationship' phase. I got the bed to myself without telling him about the GPS or what I knew - I was happy.

But the next night he wanted to talk and try to resolve what to him seemed like a silly fight. I was adamant that I was taking 2 weeks space before we talked, maybe longer. Now he is trying to do ALLLL the right things....took the kids to school yesterday, messaging me about how much he loves me and how strong and amazing I am. He even said that he thinks he needs to be built up more in our relationship and this is something he needs from me, although he hasn't been able to say it before. Dear God.

At first I was receptive to his texts etc. - but then I started thinking, why isn't he questioning my reasoning more? Surely he must be wondering what the hell is going on? He is accepting it pretty easily -- 1) he knows he's done something wrong? 2) even if he did something wrong, he will probably not do it again now because he doesn't actually want to end our marriage.

Sigh. Tracker is on, counselling sessions are booked, and I wait. So anxious. So hard.
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Old 12th March 2019, 1:47 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by mark clemson View Post
(1) It's sounds like that a distinct possibility, sadly. Not crazy, but probably emotionally distressed (quite understandably).

(2) If you confront, you MAY nip something in the bud. Or, you MAY just cause him to become even more sneaky/deceptive if he is determined to cheat.

If you wait and gather evidence you may have your answer more definitively one way or the other.

So, you have some thinking to do about what you really want.

The suggestion I have seen around here a lot is IF you confront, don't reveal how you know (GPS, and VAR and/or PI if you decide to do that). That way you can continue to monitor him effectively IF you feel it's necessary to do that.

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
Thanks so much, Mark, and everyone for your kind and supportive words. I find it very hard to conceal my knowledge and live deceptively like this - it's only a matter of time before I tell him what I know I'm just hoping I can hold out long enough for more information, or enough information, to come to light. I need to also decide if on it's own, this is enough information
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Old 12th March 2019, 1:52 AM   #18
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Well, the fact she's trying to sell herself for sex and failing is certainly the big red flag here. I mean, in what universe do you confess that to a friend's husband???? So I think she's either trying to find a man to bail her out of her problems OR soliciting him, and I wonder when she says she's confused if she can't tell if he's having a relationship with her or paying her for sex -- but they're up to something and you need to put a stop to it.

Call her husband and tell him what you know. This woman is not your friend.
He also said that she told him that she was interested in experimenting with bondage. That was a few months ago. I thought that a strange thing to share with my husband as well, but I stupidly (?) trusted him.

I know the woman's husband quite well - he's a pretty nice guy. I walked by him on the school run today and my heart dropped. I just said hi and made small talk. I don't think I am ready to try to talk to him about it, if ever. And then there's the whole side of upsetting him too??? But maybe he would have more information --

My feelings are in line with yours that she is trying to solicit him or find someone to bail her out of her problems - and I think there is even more to it than that but I don't really care about that. He should have more integrity. I fully blame him, not her. (But no, she certianly is NOT my friend, it seems!)
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Old 12th March 2019, 1:56 AM   #19
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No he isn’t
one bit loyal. He’s engaging in completely inappropriate conversations with her.

That’s completely disrespectful to you!

Is he going to stop ALL contact with her?

What are you going to do if he won’t?

He seems aligned with her way more than you.

Your marriage is in a heap of trouble! Get a plan and make sure you protect yourself/your future!

I’d lay it out clearly for him - absolutely NO contact with her or the marriage is OVER!

Last edited by S2B; 12th March 2019 at 2:01 AM..
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Old 12th March 2019, 3:02 PM   #20
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OP, you actually don't really know that your husband is cheating. Currently, you know that he's meeting her without your knowledge, and she has shared inappropriate things about herself. Suspicion is reasonable, but you lack concrete evidence of sex; not that it isn't possible, or maybe even likely.

However, I would be concerned, because it does seem as though she is trying to lure him in. The horny and inappropriate damsel in distress is an old trick in the book.

If I was you, I would approach this problem as one of feeling as though they are developing an inappropriate relationship.

I would say this to your husband. "I have been upset because I feel that since whatsherface has separated, I feel like she has been developing an unhealthy relationship with you. I'm worried that she is trying to lure you into an affair, and that you're going to start meeting her in secret."

Then you push him to end private meets to quell your fears, explaining that it's seriously damaging your relationship with him, and helping her doesn't justify the negative consequences in your relationship.

After that, keep watching his movements. If he's having an affair and thinks he can cleverly sneak a meet with her, you will see his tracker making house calls. If he does, hit him with a frying pan. Just kidding. Decide whether he can rebuild trust, or start your own separation. No point in trying to work things out with people who won't consider reasonable apprehensions, or sneak around on you.
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Old 13th March 2019, 7:12 AM   #21
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Thanks for this. I am accepting now that i may never know for sure why he went to her house that day, which is part of what i signed up for when i put that gps in his car. Yes i think i will take most of your advice here. Very wise, ta!

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 13th March 2019 at 7:49 PM.. Reason: quote removed
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Old 13th March 2019, 8:56 AM   #22
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You must remain patient. Do NOT confront until you have definitive proof.

If your instinct is telling you something, listen to it.

What about a VAR and put it in his car so you could try to listen to some conversations with her?

You donít have enough proof yet, so stay vigilant and find more.

So sorry youíre going through this.
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Old 13th March 2019, 11:50 AM   #23
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Sure, it IS possible that he's helping a friend in need and nothing more.

And, there's also the possibility the OP might shake hands with Jesus tomorrow, too.

I actually have more faith in the Jesus handshaking scenario actually happening than I do of it being true that the OP's blatant liar of a husband is just being altruistic and charitable to some poor, helpless woman down on her luck. He's sneaky, he's shady, and he's an accomplished LIAR.

I wouldn't believe a word out of his lying mouth, but he's sure trying to paint himself as some kind of helpless victim while this woman is some kind of black widow spider trying to lure the poor unsuspecting victim into her web. Please.

You know what victims DON'T do? They don't lie to you continuously while they keep up contact someone else and talk about sex with them. They don't go to work and sneak out to go over their 'friend's' house and LIE to you about it by purposely not telling you. That's not a victim.


That's a SNEAK.


OP, you want so badly to believe that he's innocent but if you sweep this right under the carpet it WILL come back to bite you in the ass.

If I were you, I'd be scheduling a full STD panel and a polygraph test for this liar you're married to.
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Old 13th March 2019, 12:47 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Mrs._December View Post
I actually have more faith in the Jesus handshaking scenario actually happening than I do of it being true that the OP's blatant liar of a husband is just being altruistic and charitable to some poor, helpless woman down on her luck.
...who is also thinking of dabbling in prostitution and experimenting with bondage too...
Of course it is all innocent on your husband's part... what a saint he is...
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Old 13th March 2019, 2:56 PM   #25
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He's cheating. There is no reason for him to meet with another woman to talk about her marriage issues. At the very least it's unprofessional. If she needs someone to talk to, talk to a counsellor, to a female friend, not to a married man. The fact he hid it from you and the fact he admitted that she was or is a prostitute looking for sex, is a huge red flag. Add in that you said he has been financial dishonest. I would be very worried. This is coming from a former cheater.
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Old 13th March 2019, 3:20 PM   #26
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He hid it from you and chose communicating with her over you/your relationship.

His alliance is with her.

That tells you everything you might wonder about.
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Old 14th March 2019, 1:21 AM   #27
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He hid it from you and chose communicating with her over you/your relationship.

His alliance is with her.

That tells you everything you might wonder about.

Yes i know. He has had almost a week under pressure to come clean of whatever is going on bit he hasnt. Sigh.

I know it doesn't look good amd i do want to believe that he is honest, but yes he is an accomplished liar. And i cant live with that.....if i dont end up with a reasonable explanation without prompting it will be the end. Even if i do, it will probably be the end.

Just feel terrible for my beautiful kids who will be the true casualties of all this.

Thanks so much for weighing in everyone! Input and advice is very welcome!!! Ultimately, i know that relationships are completely subjective and i will make my own decisions, but i really value hearing other peoples perspectives, insights, and experiences.

Oh amd good call!!! I've booked in with my doctor for an std test
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Old 14th March 2019, 9:24 AM   #28
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You want something a lot closer to the truth than the bull**** he's been trying to feed you?

Book a polygraph test.

Regardless of public opinion and those who claim that polys aren't true science and that they're not admissible in court and blah blah blah, the truth is, they've been around forever and DO have value.

The value for you in booking a poly is the INTIMIDATION FACTOR - that's where you get your real power. To the average layman whose never even seen what a polygraph testing unit looks like, that's enough to put the fear of God into them. Often, once they know a poly is booked, you start getting 'mini' confessions - things they lied about before but start telling you now. It won't be the whole truth - it won't even be close to the whole truth, but they're hoping that with each tidbit they confess to you, you'll THINK you've finally gotten the whole truth and will call off the poly.

There's also the infamous 'parking lot confession.' That's when they continue their lies right up until the day of the poly and after driving there, they give you a mini confession right before walking into the building - again, hoping you'll cancel the test. They know they're about to be exposed for the liars they are and that they're out of time. But again, the parking lot confession is usually not the entire truth - just a tidbit.

Don't call it off. No matter HOW many 'confessions' he gives you after you book it or even if you get a parking lot confession.

Because there's always more that they haven't told you. There's always, ALWAYS more.

Book the poly and DON'T cancel it.
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Old 14th March 2019, 9:31 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by Livyk101 View Post
I've booked in with my doctor for an std test
Good plan.

Your next call should probably be to a lawyer, to learn more about what you can expect if you divorce which will allow you to start making an exit plan.

Iím sorry. Take care of those kids.
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Old 14th March 2019, 9:58 AM   #30
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If it comes to the point where you absolutely must spill the beans, do NOT tell him about the tracker. Instead you can say a 'friend' saw you going to her house in the daytime, and decided that you needed to know... see what lie he spins. Unless your man is Jesus Christ, he has more than an interest in her spiritual well being - unless Jesus want to dabble in bondage with a prostitute... you might want to look up numbers he has dialed in the cell phone record to get an idea of how many calls he has made to her. Also, like others have said, placing a voice activated recorder in his car might tell you if he has a burner phone and what he is really saying. You can get one that looks like a USB stick from Amazon for around $30. One wife on this board a year or so ago put one of these in her husband's briefcase, and he never know how she found out the things she did... I have a feeling you need to prepare yourself for some really bad news...
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