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Physical affair of wife? Baselines for the aftermath.


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 11th March 2019, 7:51 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by CheatedCheater View Post
Not in my case. My revenge fling helped me to find myself back. It had nothing to do with lashing out.
I'm suggesting this isn't the guy you were before. This guy seems to be something new. Most of us on this site have already walked the path you're on in one form or another. We have the hindsight you might be still have yet to acquire.

I also can't help notice you don't hesitate to use the word "revenge" when talking about this affair. In time, the revenge may produce a reaction in your marriage. In more time you may feel very different about it.

Here's some other food for thought:
If infidelity alone was the source of all your anguish, it is unlikely you could bring yourself to retaliate in kind. It would be unthinkable. Yet, it clearly provided you with something you wanted - and while you call it "masculinity" if you take some time to dig deeper you may discover it to be something else which won't serve you well the long run.
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Old 12th March 2019, 4:14 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by Turning point View Post
I'm suggesting this isn't the guy you were before.
Ah, this is little but sure.


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I also can't help notice you don't hesitate to use the word "revenge" when talking about this affair.
Nono.... I used the expression "revenge fling" because this is what I saw it is used in the English speaking Countries, not because I intended it as a revenge!
To me, the revenge aspect was marginal in that story.
What mattered was finding myself again, showing that I could find other women and go with them without problems.
Self-reassurance, not vengeance.
I know that many people here will consider this behaviour childish and wrong, but I did it and, if I could go back, no doubt I would do it again.



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In time, the revenge may produce a reaction in your marriage. In more time you may feel very different about it.
Please elaborate: not clear. For the moment I do not "feel very different about it", whatever it might mean....


Quote:
Here's some other food for thought:
If infidelity alone was the source of all your anguish, it is unlikely you could bring yourself to retaliate in kind. It would be unthinkable.
To me infidelity alone is more than enough to consider retaliation, although, in my case, the vengeance aspect was not what led me to the action.
And, yes, the source of my anguish wasn't the affair in itself, but its consequences: the huge public scandal, the psychological damage done to the child, the fact that I had to face dangerous people to save my family and so on. It was simply unbelievable.



Quote:
Yet, it clearly provided you with something you wanted - and while you call it "masculinity" if you take some time to dig deeper you may discover it to be something else which won't serve you well the long run.
If finding your soul again and recovering virility is marginal to you, well, it's fundamental to me, I'm sorry...
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Old 12th March 2019, 6:50 AM   #18
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Hi CC, your answer to my questions indicate very clearly, that your wife is not at all remorseful and neither is she aware of the fact that she has caused grievous damage to your marriage and tremendous hurt to you. She is not a safe partner and never will be. What you do with your life after this is up to you but be certain of one thing, you will be harming yourself knowingly if you choose to stay with her and the next time she betrays you will be worse.

You are now forewarned and forearmed. Warm wishes.
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Old 12th March 2019, 7:23 AM   #19
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Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi CC, your answer to my questions indicate very clearly, that your wife is not at all remorseful and neither is she aware of the fact that she has caused grievous damage to your marriage and tremendous hurt to you. She is not a safe partner and never will be. What you do with your life after this is up to you but be certain of one thing, you will be harming yourself knowingly if you choose to stay with her and the next time she betrays you will be worse.

You are now forewarned and forearmed. Warm wishes.
I must agree on every word you wrote except for:

the next time she betrays you will be worse

No. I am prepared. Almost impossible that she does worse than the first time.

Warmest regards, JAG...
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Old 12th March 2019, 10:47 AM   #20
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Some months ago she even blurted:"To me this was just a life experience, not good, neither bad. I don't see how this story damaged my reputation". Go figure...
Ugh, barf.
There is a special circle of hell for her no doubt.
I would worry about what tolerating may teach your children.
I hope you get out of infidelity and into the light.
Best wishes.
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Old 13th March 2019, 11:47 AM   #21
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Ugh, barf.
There is a special circle of hell for her no doubt.
I would worry about what tolerating may teach your children.
I hope you get out of infidelity and into the light.
Best wishes.
Actually, if you look at her, she is a perfect wife and mother...
If you didn't know what she did, you would never imagine it.
Difficult (impossible...) for me to understand her.

Best wishes to you too!
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Old 13th March 2019, 12:03 PM   #22
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I get what you mean, its kind of like saying the kids have the perfect kindergarten teacher,

except that a few years ago that teacher served put arsenic in the kool aid she gave a pair of parents for their own gratification, it was great laugh and made one of the other parents say such nice things to her for a while,

but they were sorry about it and won't do it again, maybe got counseling.
I mean one is pretty sure they won't, and anyways the poisoned parents lived, just a bit crippled mentally,

but they're just fantastic with the kids, and give them a little extra recess time and do all the voices when they read them a story, and could never imagine they would so much as strike one of them.
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Old 19th March 2019, 11:07 AM   #23
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One of the hardest things to do is to work through the realization that one's cheating spouse is not the person you thought they were.

To find out that they do not share the same ideals as you do, to be faithful, to not expose their partner to STIs, to share intimacy only with you.

The shock can be so great it can you knock you into a type of post-traumatic response that takes years to recover from.

When you look at your cheating wife, as I did mine (now ex), it is almost impossible to reconcile the pretty woman before you with the ugliness of her behavior.

You want to believe her, that she won't be that way anymore, that she will be what you thought she was.

The problem is, there is a flaw in her character,.

You doing emotional cartwheels to find a way to explain it, or doing a lot of pick-me dancing will not change who she really is.

Going out and banging other women in revenge doesn't help either. For one, if you reveal that to her? To her, it levels the playing field. You sink to her level.

Your best bet? Hold your head high and divorce her.

Impact on children? You bet there is. Just as there is for staying.

Ultimately, you set an example by what crap you will tolerate in your life and for what nurturing you do for your kids.

An unremorseful cheater?

Yuck.

Last edited by michzz; 19th March 2019 at 11:38 AM..
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Old 19th March 2019, 5:53 PM   #24
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Michzz, (unfortunately) you are right on the money: she is not the woman I thought she was; and by far, too.
I can't say she is unremorseful, but at least she doesn't understand the severity of the damage she caused.
As soon as the situation allows it, I'll divorce her, but it's a tremendous decision for me.
Best of life to you.
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Old 21st March 2019, 11:08 AM   #25
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divorce her

I could have made the same list you did. I stayed married 'for the kids'. Single biggest mistake of my life. It did NOT benefit the kids (they sense the problems in the house and it will cause them relationship problems themselves). Quit making excuses. Yes it is hard but just divorce her asap and make the best life possible for you and your children. The anger you are holding onto is NOT a path to happiness or a good outcome for anyone. If you can't let it go (I couldn't and suspect you can't) then find a way to work out a divorce.
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Old 21st March 2019, 11:16 AM   #26
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I could have made the same list you did. I stayed married 'for the kids'. Single biggest mistake of my life. It did NOT benefit the kids (they sense the problems in the house and it will cause them relationship problems themselves). Quit making excuses. Yes it is hard but just divorce her asap and make the best life possible for you and your children. The anger you are holding onto is NOT a path to happiness or a good outcome for anyone. If you can't let it go (I couldn't and suspect you can't) then find a way to work out a divorce.
With pleasure, if you give me the money to pay two rents, twice fixed expenses, alimonies (as a prize for cheating on me, I suppose), plus the risk that the other man (who served time behind bars) comes up again and involves her in some new "initiative", with the concrete possibility that my daughter gets involved too.
Yuck.
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Old 21st March 2019, 1:34 PM   #27
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fix it or break it - limbo not healthy

Aren't those the same things every divorced person has to deal with - or at least ones not extremely wealthy? Yes - they are big hills to climb. BTDT. Likely not truly insurmountable or at least not for the millions of people that divorce every year that somehow find a way. Is living with your cheating wife in a better environment better than a lower standard of living - maybe much lower? Only you can decide that. Many people may be having trouble getting by with one household - how to do it with two? However, they find a way. I suspect you can too if you really want to - and your wife will have to get a job if she doesn't already have one and suffer financially too as a result of her actions. There are lots of sacrifices and difficulties in divorce but the current state of limbo/anger is going to eat you alive. It sure did for me. By the time I did divorce I was a shadow of my former self. Age took it's toll about twice as fast as it should have. I should NOT have waited but maybe it will work out differently for you.

Fix it or break it is about the best advice I can give (ie. find a way to divorce or somehow move on as best as possible). For me personally, the period I wanted to divorce but didn't is the biggest regret I have. I thought I couldn't afford it. The truth is I could have but would have had to lower both our standard of living). I wanted to live with my kids, etc. I did get to do that but it wasn't a healthy environment for them. In the end all waiting did was extend the misery for us all. I hope things turn out differently for you. Best wishes.
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Old 21st March 2019, 1:47 PM   #28
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Friend, you need to decide if staying with your wife because of finances is worth the cost your paying with your integrity and respect. You can never make those video's go away and she can never unf**k herself. It seems like the other men have profited by the misery they and your wife have brought into your life. If I recall correctly your wife wanted to divorce you and live with one of the other men. Just to see how hard it would be to find such a video I went to a site that featured amateur porn(I had to ask a few single friends for site names) and found one that really stood out to me of a couple in a corner of a restaurant kitchen. The other man,chef, even signaled to the camera after he was done, like he knew others would be watching it. The woman involved had no hesitation and was more then obliging in performing the various sexual acts. I was quite shocked to see just how many video's of married women(who didn't know they were being recorded) were posted. I guess the sicko's don't expect their married affair partners to go to those sites and see what they posted.

Your daughters could do the exact same thing I did. I do not know your wife but they would have no trouble recognizing her if they saw the same video I did. There are a lot of sick twisted people out there that get off off on destroying others. The other man posted the video for bragging rights and easy cash without any concern for you, your daughters or your wife. You can not control others, you can only control yourself. Things have a way of coming into the light. Think really hard about what is the best for you and your girls. Things can be replaced, wasted time can not.
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Old 21st March 2019, 6:21 PM   #29
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Aliveagain, Notbroken, thanks for your words.
There is basically nothing I can add to them.
You are good people. I wish you the best.
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Old 22nd March 2019, 9:21 AM   #30
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You posit a rather dystopian view of divorce. 2 rents, possibly your daughter being molested or something. Really just a smokescreen.

Until a judge orders that stuff, it ain't happening. If a lawyer told you that was THE outcome then don't use that lawyer. Lawyers go to court, fight, file motions, make demands and then the judge rules. No one can foresee the actual future. If you are barely making it now, I doubt a judge would make you pay 2 rents. Heck, you could live inhouse until divorce finalized.

Dudes who don't want divorce tell you the obstacles to divorce. Dudes who want happiness and the best future for themselves and kids fight for it. Bottom line, if you have lost it all in your mind then you have lost because you wont try or if you did try you won't try hard.

If you want to stay, stay. Deal with the crap and do whatever it takes to keep doing it. Be intellectually and emotionally honest with yourself about that. If you want out, there is a well established way out. Take it.
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