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Partner of 4 years was cheating on me


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 5th March 2019, 5:58 PM   #1
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Partner of 4 years was cheating on me

My partner and I were both divorced when we met. I had an affair on my ex-husband, and when it was discovered I filed for divorce (my husband wanted to work it out, but I knew the marriage was over-I hate that I cheated, but I also knew I didn't want to be married to him anymore). My partner told me that his ex-wife had cheated on him, and that was why he left her. My exhusband has forgiven me, and we have a great friendship now.

I told my partner when we met about my affair. I also told him I would never cheat on anyone again. If I was unhappy, I would say something or leave. About 2.5 years into our relationship, we discussed having an open relationship, polyamory. Ethical non-monogamy. As long as we were honest and disclosed things, we were able to have romantic relationships with other people. We had an agreement, and I was fine with him dating other people. He had a harder time with me dating others, but I was still ALWAYS honest about anyone I spoke to or wanted to date.

My partner was adamant that he did not want to date anyone by himself. He didn't want me to see anyone alone, but he wouldn't stop me. Our agreement was very specific, and we were very clear about disclosure if we were seeking a romantic involvement with someone else.

There was a person in our friendship group that my partner went on a date with. This person eventually left our group on bad terms. My partner said very derogatory things about her, often. Called her crazy, and said he was glad she was gone.

One year after she left our group, another friend found out that my partner had actually been talking to her "discreetly" since she left. He told her he wished he left the group with her and didn't want to be with me. I confronted him, he initially denied then slowly admitted to it. I asked to see his phone to check for messages to determine the depth of what happened. While he deleted all texts with her, he did not delete texts to a couple of paid escorts. He had gone to at least one, although he swears there were no others, I don't believe him.

At that point, I told him to leave and I broke up with him. Right now, I still have hurt. He initially blamed me, then took some responsibility. Then, because I didn't want to talk to him or see him for a few weeks, he turned it into me hurting him and being a horrible person for not forgiving him right away.

Before I found out what he had been doing, a friend in our group expressed interest in dating me. We have been dating for several months, and my partner knew everything as it unfolded. I spent a lot of time with both of them and didn't hide my relationship. My partner contacting the former friend and escorts happened before I started dating this person.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Support, maybe.
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Old 6th March 2019, 1:06 AM   #2
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Well, have to admit, from the outside seems a mess. I guess I'm surprised you're surprised it's all fallen apart, since your husband told you "solo dating" wasn't what he wanted in the first place.

Not sure what you're looking for here...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 6th March 2019, 4:16 AM   #3
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It seems that you and he were never really on the same page about having an open relationship, OP.

He agreed to it but it's pretty clear that he didn't actually want you dating other people. Both of you should have stepped away from each other a long time ago given how incompatible your expectations and relationship goals are.

He should have been honest with you if he was seeing someone else, and certainly shouldn't have been turning to escorts. I am with you there. But let this be the sign that you two really are not right for each other and are better off broken up.
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Old 6th March 2019, 7:58 AM   #4
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OP, you confuse with your husband not divorcing you with him agreeing
to have an open marriage.

You insisted and got your way. You left him no choice. He was mad. Mad
enough to say F her and F her rules, I am going out and do what I want
when I want, how I want where I want and with who I want.

He had a wife that cheated on him. He is a man that does not want to share
his wife with other men. Duh, why do you think that he got divorced?
You insist that he has to share you he has to be happy about it.

Another example why open marriages end bad.
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Old 6th March 2019, 9:52 AM   #5
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Sounds like you just have relationship issues period. Open relationships just are a breeding ground for jealousy and are toxic. If you can't put your heart into 1 then don't bother. Just be single and sleep around to your hearts content.
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Old 6th March 2019, 10:00 AM   #6
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It's called consequences.
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Old 6th March 2019, 10:04 AM   #7
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Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

I too am a little surprised that you are surprised this fell apart... itís far too complicated with too many players, too many feelings, to ever work out well, in my humble opinion...
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Old 6th March 2019, 11:06 AM   #8
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My partner was adamant that he did not want to date anyone by himself. He didn't want me to see anyone alone, but he wouldn't stop me.
This doesn't sound like an agreement to me. It sounds like one person going along with the wants of another. When somebody says they don't like it but they won't stop you then that means they DON'T agree. I'm not defending your partner's dishonesty or infidelity but it sounds like he isn't really cut out for the kind of relationship you want. He may be okay with some sex on the side but he doesn't really understand "dating" other people when he was already in a relationship.

Also was he getting his fair share of the pie? When a couple decides to open up their relationship it may be a lot easier for one of the couple to attract new partners and become involved in casual relationships, while the other person may struggle due to shyness, not being as attractive as their partner, not being comfortable with casual hookups, etc. If having an open relationship means one person is having a great time seeing other people while the other person is not seeing anyone because they don't know how to navigate this kind of arrangement then it's obviously going to be a disaster.

If I wanted to open my relationship but my partner was obviously struggling with the idea and experiencing discomfort at the idea of me being with others I would not continue down that path with him. If I absolutely had to have multiple partners I would break up with my partner first, realizing that he is not cut out for my kind of lifestyle. This idea of anything goes so long as the participants are honest actually doesn't work for most people. Most people are not okay with seeing their significant other dating multiple people even if it's all out in the open. I think your partner told you this was not okay with him but you turned a deaf ear because you wanted to pursue your wants.
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Old 6th March 2019, 11:09 AM   #9
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Your husband didn't want an open relationship but you left him with no choice. I don't see why you (or anyone) would be surprised this didn't work out.
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Old 6th March 2019, 11:28 AM   #10
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Some people can make an open marriage work for them, but from what I understand, for it to be a success, both parties have to be 100 percent on board. There is no room for " convincing" or "encouraging".

Op, it sounds to me like you tried to talk your husband into something he really didn't want to do. If I were in his shoes, the first thing that would have popped into my mind is " she's met someone and wants to sleep with them and not feel guilty about it". That may or may not have been the truth of your situation, but it may have been his. Of course, he could have put his foot down and made it a non-negotiable.



It doesn't sound to me like your relationship was sustainable anyway, as you both seem to have very different relationship styles. Learn from this situation and move on.
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Old 6th March 2019, 12:18 PM   #11
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Why do you think he did that? You stated he told you he was not happy in that arrangement. Did you not think it was your job to listen to him if you really loved him. Just when did you decide your first regardless. How is this thinking going to help you in your new relationship. How do you think this will turn out with this new guy knowing full well you cheated in your first marriage and then pushed your ex to suffer in a situation he didn't handle well. If your in a relationship you have to really put your feelings aside at times to see what is really going on. Why didn't you just leave your ex when he told you he didn't want an open relationship. Imagine what your new man will say the first time you suggest this to him and he suffers knowing your with someone else.

Your going to be doomed to relive these experiences until you really get in check with you.

I don't want you to take this wrong but no really decent guy will be with you if they knew your past. The reason for that is its clear your not learning from it. People want to feel like they have a partner that will grow with them and the best chance of that is having someone that will be faithful or at least leave the relationship before they step out. Men want security just as much as women do.


I hope you get into counseling and help yourself. I wouldn't stay with the current guy because if hes ok with what you have done then that doesn't say much about him and in the long run that will not serve you the way I am sure you really want.

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Old 6th March 2019, 12:20 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by 40somethingGuy View Post
Just be single and sleep around to your hearts content.
Well that would have been the most sensible idea.
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Old 6th March 2019, 2:37 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by pepperbird View Post
Some people can make an open marriage work for them, but from what I understand, for it to be a success, both parties have to be 100 percent on board. There is no room for " convincing" or "encouraging".

Op, it sounds to me like you tried to talk your husband into something he really didn't want to do. If I were in his shoes, the first thing that would have popped into my mind is " she's met someone and wants to sleep with them and not feel guilty about it". That may or may not have been the truth of your situation, but it may have been his. Of course, he could have put his foot down and made it a non-negotiable.



It doesn't sound to me like your relationship was sustainable anyway, as you both seem to have very different relationship styles. Learn from this situation and move on.
For every success I have read at least one hundred stories were is was not.
Let us just say instead of a success it just sucked because what better word
to label the cheating and divorces that this "great idea" led to.
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Old 6th March 2019, 7:00 PM   #14
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The good news is you're an experienced cheater so you'll know exactly what to look for.
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Old 7th March 2019, 11:24 AM   #15
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As others have pointed out - you were clearly misguided in this pursuit.

A man who divorced a cheating wife is not likely compatible with a woman who wants an open relationship, after disclosing she too, cheated on her prior husband.

It's like bringing an Army buddy with PTSD to a Fireworks display.
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