ElizabethPrice Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 I am the wife but I need to know if he wants to work things out. We were working in separate states and I caught him over the phone. He has been traveling to see family ever since. Says to give him time to decide if he wants to work things out or not. We have talked and FACETIME and he is still talking to her too. Been almost a week and I have no indication Is there any way to tell? Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 A few different options: 1) he isnt sure if he wants to be with only you or only her 2) he is poking and prodding to see if you will accept his cheating ways and stay with him allowing him to have both 3) he is a coward and cant just be a man and say he wants a divorce Likely about 20 other options as well. None of them are good. When a man gets caught and he isnt doing everything he possibly can to win his wife back... the writing is on the wall. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 It means that he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and he is really bummed that he might not be able to anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 It means it's over. The only way you can get over infidelity in a marriage is if the transgressor REALLY REALLY wants to make it work. If, in this case, he isn't sure then it really isn't going to work. Maybe he'll come around but by waiting for him to figure things out, you are again giving him all of the power. It is time to take some of that power back and develop a list of things you want him to commit to in order for your marriage to have a chance. This first thing? Immediately blocking all contact with the OW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 It means that he’s enjoying having two women who want him. I wouldn’t wait one second for him to decide. I’d decide for him. The best thing you can do is file for divorce. If that doesn’t get his undivided attention, nothing will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElizabethPrice Posted March 5, 2019 Author Share Posted March 5, 2019 OK you have given me some good responses. The relationship with her has not been going on long. There are circumstances that I understand why and I have told him that we knew there were some problems but we have not even tried counseling yet. I can get past his infidelity and I still want to make it work he tells me he’s afraid that we will end up back in the same place. What can i do or say that wil convince him I want to make it work. I have given him all the suggestions and things i am willing to do to make it work. Trying to show him that i am committed this time to try harder. (See where part of our problem is) I know that I am at fault and he is too. I just need him to try to work it out. I believe he still loves me. He didn’t leave me. He just found something he was missing. Doesn’t mean we can’t work it out. Any more thoughts?? Link to post Share on other sites
lolita888 Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 It's over. His heart is no longer with you. You caught him cheating and yet he doesn't show any remorse or even "fake" wish for reconciliation. He may not love her more than you and may not really want to spend the rest of his life with her but the same goes for you. He is tired of living with you. And by doing this, you are making him have control over you. You are feeding his ego by showing that you still want him despite everything and will endure for him. File for a divorce - see how he will react, maybe he will be able to make up his mind then. Even if he decided to stay with you he will end up doing the same thing again. Because he's no longer happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 Nope. Do NOT put this on yourself. You were in the same marriage and didnt find what was missing in someone else. This is a weakness he needs to work on... it is HIS problem. Not yours. How weak a man must be that he needs a woman to fill something. This is just an easy cop out. Do not buy it and do not blame yourself. The best way to get a man like this to see your worth is to walk away. He'll either fix his crap quickly or he'll give up, too. Either way, you walk away with your dignity. Take it from someone who tried and wanted to make my marriage work. And who ultimately walked away. Abd whose ex husband tries every day to win me over. But I waited far too long... and I was done. DONE. Had I walked away from the get go, I may have been able to save it. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 A lot of times a cheating partner will attempt to create distance to explore the other person (relationship). I'm guessing his story will change a few times in the coming months. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 He will keep seeing her as long as you are willing to stay with him and pretend not to notice. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 Also want to add to my previous post... I am so much happier now that I am divorced than I was in my marriage. When I was trying to reconcile, I hated myself. I felt weak and pathetic. The best thing I ever did was leave. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 He's not committed to the marriage and waiting for him decide will lose you respect from him. You have options, but I wouldn't be waiting for him to decide after he was unfaithful. He's already lost respect for you in fact. If not he would have ended the affair. His behaviour simply says he doesn't give damn about you/the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 when a man says "I don't know what I want..." it means that he doesn't know what he wants Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 when a man says "I don't know what I want..." it means that he doesn't know what he wants In that case, I would help him to make up his mind. If he is not completely committed to the marriage, I would file for divorce. There is no room for a third person in a marriage. And, if he doesn’t know what he wants and thinks I will wait patiently while he flip flops back and forth, trying to make a decision... he is wrong. He doesn’t get to decide my fate. I wouldn’t wait too long before I decide to make the decision for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 when a man says "I don't know what I want..." it means that he doesn't know what he wants In this case, disagree. It means he knows what he wants - to test out this new relationship, but he doesn't want to tell the OP because he's afraid she'll be unhappy being his fallback option. ElizabethPrice, you are his Plan B. Expect him back if - and only if - things don't work out with her. If that's OK with you, continue to hang in there. If it's not, begin to plan accordingly... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 OP does your WH work with the OW? Do you know what exposing an affair is? You need to tell the WH parents, siblings, and your kids, the OWH or her BF, her parents. File for divorce and tell your WH that you will not share him with the OW. This will shock your WH into facing his reality. Then make him dump or get off the pot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 You need to tell the WH parents, siblings, and your kids. Bad idea. The OP wants to stay in her marriage, who's going to pick up all those pieces? She will blow up the whole kit and caboodle if she tells. Family events will never be the same again Why make his elderly parents, his siblings and the kids all suffer? He probably won't care a damn... Also if he gets the sack then who will pay for the kids. Keep powder dry. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 I don't think it's always a good idea to tell others but I get the mindset behind doing so. Affair partners are often addicted and trapped by the fantasy of the affair. Affairs are often about extreme and obsessive romeo and juliette type feelings. The secrecy fuels the fantasy. Once it all comes out to the light of day then sometimes the cheater sees how absurd the whole thing is. Also I don't think the betrayed spouse has any obligation to help the cheater carry on their affair by agreeing to stay silent. Why assume the husband's parents are elderly. My oldest son has been married for 15 yrs. I'm 52 so not elderly. OP your husband wants to be a cake eater. He's staying married while still enjoying his OW. He has no remorse and he's using you as his backup plan, meanwhile you are humiliating yourself by doing a desperate "please, please, pick me" dance. You need to decide that you are worth more and deserve more and file for divorce. That may or may not wake your husband up to what he is losing but you are better off either way. Right now you are demeaning yourself in your husband's eyes. Some men love it when women fight over them, they love it when they can kick (metaphorically) a woman in the gut and she stills stays like a loyal dog. They love it, but they don't have any respect for the woman who allow it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 OK you have given me some good responses. The relationship with her has not been going on long. There are circumstances that I understand why and I have told him that we knew there were some problems but we have not even tried counseling yet. I can get past his infidelity and I still want to make it work he tells me he’s afraid that we will end up back in the same place. What can i do or say that wil convince him I want to make it work. I have given him all the suggestions and things i am willing to do to make it work. Trying to show him that i am committed this time to try harder. (See where part of our problem is) I know that I am at fault and he is too. I just need him to try to work it out. I believe he still loves me. He didn’t leave me. He just found something he was missing. Doesn’t mean we can’t work it out. Any more thoughts?? You are doing everything wrong. You catch the guy cheating and he's so arrogant, he flat out tells you that he needs more time to test drive his OW before he decides whether you're worthy enough of winning him back or not, prize that he is. You turn around and start doing the "Pick Me" dance, desperately trying to convince him that you're the better 'deal' than his OW, and that he should 'pick' you. Then you accept the blame for his cheating by claiming your bad marriage 'drove' him to it and then you promise that you'll jump around like a trained seal in order to make it SO much better for him and make it worth his while if he'll just come back to you. Ugh. What exactly did HE promise to do to make the marriage better for YOU should he come back? Or does he think his presence is good enough? I'm just curious - you were in the SAME bad marriage as your cheating husband, weren't you? So I'll assume you were just as unhappy as he was. Did YOU choose to cheat on him due to your unhappy marriage? I'm betting not. So why is it acceptable and forgivable for you that HE did, and you're making excuses for what drove him to do it? You're being needy and desperate and weak right now, willing to swallow just about any crap he throws at you and wiling to make any excuses you can for him in order to 'win' this prize of yours back. You need to seriously stop doing that or I promise you'll live to regret it when you finally catch your breath. There's nothing more cringe-worthy than looking back at this time in your life and regretting how much you were willing to humiliate yourself for someone who couldn't even show you the respect you deserve. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Mrs. December is spot on..... do not wait for him to decide YOUR future. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 (edited) Form wayward spouse: "I don't know what I want." Translation: "It's better for me if you remain an uninformed sap, frozen by inaction so, I can finish screwing you over without much personal risk." There are a few occasions where cheating spouses will actually tell you this (albeit not in those plain words) however, in our distress we often miss or dismiss the comments because it sounds to extreme and unreal to us. Listen carefully - because it's all very real. Edited March 9, 2019 by Turning point Link to post Share on other sites
Matt77 Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 I got the "I don't know what I want" from my WW. Guess what, she was engaged in a full blown affair. She was test driving some other dude totally and completely inferior to me. But that's not the point. The other woman could be and probably is completely inferior to you, but he's infatuated with her because she is different than you and that's the point. I will tell you from personal, painful, and regrettable experience. Do not, I REPEAT, DO NOT, play the pick me dance or act desperate. Take back the power. Start imposing consequences and make him feel like he is losing you as a branch to swing back to. Go NC or do the 180, and file for divorce. Either way will present a quicker and less painful outcome of this and you will have your dignity intact. I'm not just saying this because I've read it all over LS, I've lived it. It will take the most strength you've ever had, but ai promise you wont regret standing up for yourself. Remember to keep performing at work, make sure you eat all three meals with a balanced diet, hydrate, work out, and try to sleep well. Prayer and chamomile tea work great. I will pray for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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