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What does it mean when he says he doesn’t know what he wants


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Old 5th March 2019, 1:10 PM   #1
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What does it mean when he says he doesn’t know what he wants

I am the wife but I need to know if he wants to work things out. We were working in separate states and I caught him over the phone. He has been traveling to see family ever since. Says to give him time to decide if he wants to work things out or not. We have talked and FACETIME and he is still talking to her too. Been almost a week and I have no indication Is there any way to tell?
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Old 5th March 2019, 1:24 PM   #2
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A few different options:

1) he isnt sure if he wants to be with only you or only her

2) he is poking and prodding to see if you will accept his cheating ways and stay with him allowing him to have both

3) he is a coward and cant just be a man and say he wants a divorce

Likely about 20 other options as well. None of them are good. When a man gets caught and he isnt doing everything he possibly can to win his wife back... the writing is on the wall.
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Old 5th March 2019, 1:49 PM   #3
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It means that he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and he is really bummed that he might not be able to anymore.
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Old 5th March 2019, 2:09 PM   #4
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It means it's over. The only way you can get over infidelity in a marriage is if the transgressor REALLY REALLY wants to make it work. If, in this case, he isn't sure then it really isn't going to work. Maybe he'll come around but by waiting for him to figure things out, you are again giving him all of the power. It is time to take some of that power back and develop a list of things you want him to commit to in order for your marriage to have a chance. This first thing? Immediately blocking all contact with the OW.
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Old 5th March 2019, 2:15 PM   #5
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It means that he’s enjoying having two women who want him. I wouldn’t wait one second for him to decide. I’d decide for him. The best thing you can do is file for divorce. If that doesn’t get his undivided attention, nothing will.
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Old 5th March 2019, 2:35 PM   #6
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OK you have given me some good responses. The relationship with her has not been going on long. There are circumstances that I understand why and I have told him that we knew there were some problems but we have not even tried counseling yet. I can get past his infidelity and I still want to make it work he tells me he’s afraid that we will end up back in the same place. What can i do or say that wil convince him I want to make it work. I have given him all the suggestions and things i am willing to do to make it work. Trying to show him that i am committed this time to try harder. (See where part of our problem is) I know that I am at fault and he is too. I just need him to try to work it out. I believe he still loves me. He didn’t leave me. He just found something he was missing. Doesn’t mean we can’t work it out. Any more thoughts??
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Old 5th March 2019, 2:40 PM   #7
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It's over.
His heart is no longer with you.

You caught him cheating and yet he doesn't show any remorse or even "fake" wish for reconciliation.

He may not love her more than you and may not really want to spend the rest of his life with her but the same goes for you. He is tired of living with you.
And by doing this, you are making him have control over you. You are feeding his ego by showing that you still want him despite everything and will endure for him.
File for a divorce - see how he will react, maybe he will be able to make up his mind then.


Even if he decided to stay with you he will end up doing the same thing again. Because he's no longer happy.
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Old 5th March 2019, 2:53 PM   #8
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Nope. Do NOT put this on yourself. You were in the same marriage and didnt find what was missing in someone else. This is a weakness he needs to work on... it is HIS problem. Not yours. How weak a man must be that he needs a woman to fill something.

This is just an easy cop out. Do not buy it and do not blame yourself.

The best way to get a man like this to see your worth is to walk away. He'll either fix his crap quickly or he'll give up, too. Either way, you walk away with your dignity.

Take it from someone who tried and wanted to make my marriage work. And who ultimately walked away. Abd whose ex husband tries every day to win me over. But I waited far too long... and I was done. DONE. Had I walked away from the get go, I may have been able to save it.
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Old 5th March 2019, 2:57 PM   #9
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A lot of times a cheating partner will attempt to create distance to explore the other person (relationship). I'm guessing his story will change a few times in the coming months.
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Old 5th March 2019, 3:02 PM   #10
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He will keep seeing her as long as you are willing to stay with him and pretend not to notice.
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Old 5th March 2019, 3:10 PM   #11
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Also want to add to my previous post...

I am so much happier now that I am divorced than I was in my marriage. When I was trying to reconcile, I hated myself. I felt weak and pathetic. The best thing I ever did was leave.
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Old 5th March 2019, 7:10 PM   #12
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He's not committed to the marriage and waiting for him decide will lose you respect from him. You have options, but I wouldn't be waiting for him to decide after he was unfaithful.

He's already lost respect for you in fact. If not he would have ended the affair. His behaviour simply says he doesn't give damn about you/the marriage.
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Old 5th March 2019, 8:47 PM   #13
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when a man says "I don't know what I want..." it means that he doesn't know what he wants
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Old 5th March 2019, 8:58 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alphamale View Post
when a man says "I don't know what I want..." it means that he doesn't know what he wants
In that case, I would help him to make up his mind. If he is not completely committed to the marriage, I would file for divorce. There is no room for a third person in a marriage. And, if he doesn’t know what he wants and thinks I will wait patiently while he flip flops back and forth, trying to make a decision... he is wrong. He doesn’t get to decide my fate. I wouldn’t wait too long before I decide to make the decision for him.
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Old 6th March 2019, 12:59 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alphamale View Post
when a man says "I don't know what I want..." it means that he doesn't know what he wants
In this case, disagree. It means he knows what he wants - to test out this new relationship, but he doesn't want to tell the OP because he's afraid she'll be unhappy being his fallback option.

ElizabethPrice, you are his Plan B. Expect him back if - and only if - things don't work out with her. If that's OK with you, continue to hang in there.

If it's not, begin to plan accordingly...

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