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Best Years of our Lives blown by Old Flame


Murnaufau

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This is my first post here. I am just distraught and didn’t know where else to go.

 

My wife and I have been together for 4-1/2 years, married for close to three. There is an age difference — she is 35, and I am 48.

 

She is very pretty and young in approach, carefree and funny. I’d like to think that I am similar in that regard. We both came from a previous divorce, mine a few years before hers.

 

I think that we would both agree that the marriage has been healthy, fun,loving, even the best years of both our lives. Which is why what happened blind sided me. I am still in shock.

 

There is an old flame I found out about, maybe a year into our relationship. I remember at one point she said he was the only guy she would be tempted

to leave me for. They actually were in contact a couple years ago, but she told me about it and stayed away.

 

I discovered her affair this year. They had been seeing each other for about three weeks and I caught her in it, already feeling something was up. She said she didn’t want to stop seeing him and wouldn’t. I went into negotiating mode, suggested we transition to an open marriage. (I know “negotiating mode” made me look weak.) She said Old

Flame, a man close to her age, considered her his, and wouldn’t consider an open marriage.

 

I knew we needed to split, and I told her she could keep the rental but I stuck around both out of money reasons and because I just couldn’t believe it. I was in shock. We had a beautiful marriage. Why would she want to destroy it with Old

Flame?

 

We were supposed to go on a vacation together. She canceled last minute. She began staying over with him. Tonight I finally blew up. Called her names. She called me some too.

 

So I am leaving this weekend. I can’t believe it.

 

Here is my question: advantages and disadvantages to No Contact? I feel I am losing her and am scared of No Contact. She’s just going to be spending all that time getting closer to him anyway.

 

I love her. I could forgive this. But she’s not coming to her senses.

 

Old Flame has a warrant out for his arrest, he has had numerous run ins with the law, he’s been in jail, he has six kids from three women (I think) and doesn’t pay child support even on the one he is court ordered to. He is ratchet, and not good for a future. Something she clearly doesn’t see.

 

I thought that if I loved her thru this that it might be some weird phase that would go away. Now she says she’s always loved him, they’ve had affairs together before, she wants to be with him. Not me.

 

When I move out this weekend, is No Contact the way to go?

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I feel for you. Unfortunately... you are saying it's been a short time... I feel it's been going on for a long time, and she just got sloppy, and you found out.

 

 

I know you are blind-sided, and heart broken... but I don't think there is any recovery from this. Even if you forgive her... her intentions will be to wonder. (Sorry) Personally, I would start to separate finances, and I would make sure your name is off the "Rental" because you don't want to destroy your credit on top of everything else.

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It may seem from the outside like this has been happening for a long time, but I know for a fact it has not. Regardless of the fact that the first time she came clean and came to me, we spent every waking hour either together or knowing exactly where the other was. I knew something was up recently exactly because she was spending more time away, coming home late, claiming odd work hours or acting like she was shopping. They began talking a few months ago, she went to see him for the first time in years six to seven weeks ago.

 

I have already separated the bank accounts and you’re right, I probably do need to make sure that the landlord is aware that I’m out.

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M,

 

Sorry my friend that you are going through this....I cannot imagine he heartache.

 

Tough advice here.....she is gone, and most likely you will never get her back. Women do not love men they do not respect, and begging, negotiating, and groveling all just show that you are weak to her. She already told you that the OM would not share her with you, she is listening to it, so that makes you the weak one, and him the dominant. A lot of other posters here have gone through what you have, and the only chance that you may have is the 180. With that said, I don't see you swallowing your pride enough for even that to work. My advice, find someone closer to your own age.

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I am sorry that you're going through this. Divorce sucks, every which way.

 

I don't think that her affair has necessarily been going on a long time; probably around the time your instincts kicked in and you subsequently uncovered it, is probably just as good to go on.

 

But. I do think that it is over, and that she will not change her mind.

 

When I move out this weekend, is No Contact the way to go?

'No contact' is for teenagers who don't have any financial or other adult ties that they have to mutually deal with, and for people who want to try to manipulate other people into getting back together.

 

I would offer to seek legal counsel, and also look at all the joint accounts (utilities, cell/internet, insurances, credit cards, etc.)

 

Again, I know it sucks. Sending hugs.

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M,

 

Sorry my friend that you are going through this....I cannot imagine he heartache.

 

 

What is the 180?

 

Also, I have no interest in someone closer to my age.

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Here is my question: advantages and disadvantages to No Contact? I feel I am losing her and am scared of No Contact. She’s just going to be spending all that time getting closer to him anyway.

 

Murnaufau, what kind of contact do you picture and what effect do you think it would have? At this point, doesn't sound like she's interested in long walks holding hands on the beach with you.

 

The truth my friend, is that sh'e been very consistent in what she's done and said. She's made a choice, and it's not you. So as hard as that is to hear, you'll need to plan accordingly.

 

You might find some help as you disengage in the 180, linked at the top of this forum under "Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce". It's designed to show your partner what's at risk since, just as she's moving on with her life, you'll move on with yours. It can help you avoid some of the nastiness and name-calling you've already encountered.

 

Lots of good advice here so keep posting. Sorry you find yourself in this situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Maybe a part of the problem is that we have had sex a couple times too since then — two nights ago the mind blowing type. She loves me. She knows the years were good, and that I was good to her. Doesn’t stop her from ending it and taking a risk on ratchet Old Flame.

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Why would you want someone that could do this to you and act so callous towards you ?

 

What could possibly be so great that it could negate the hurt, disrespect and destruction she just laid down in your marriage..

 

I say let him have her.

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Maybe a part of the problem is that we have had sex a couple times too since then — two nights ago the mind blowing type. She loves me. She knows the years were good, and that I was good to her. Doesn’t stop her from ending it and taking a risk on ratchet Old Flame.

 

This is proof that good sex, or sex in general, does not equate to love with all people. Man...she has moved on, time for you to start healing and healing and move on as well. Dwelling on the sex thing like this is not helping you brother. If it is that important, then the old advice "the best way to get over a woman is to get under another" served me well in my pre marriage days.

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Why would you want someone that could do this to you and act so callous towards you ?

 

What could possibly be so great that it could negate the hurt, disrespect and destruction she just laid down in your marriage..

 

Again, this is not a bad marriage. By any means. She would even tell you how we’ve grown, progressed together, taken care of each other’s needs, we were deeply in love. So the simple answer to that question is that I would gladly take the last month once again for the 4-1/2 years that preceded it.

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Your wife is a fool. She has chosen another man, and a bad man at that. This is a really poor choice.

 

I know it doesn’t feel this way now, but you are better without a woman who could do this in your life. Let her go, but be prepared because she may be back when things fall apart with this other man (as it seems fairly obvious given their/his history, that it will fall apart at some point).

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I don’t think you can say this is a good marriage if you are totally honest with yourself....she’s seeing someone else and she told you she’s more loyal to him than to you. There isn’t a good factor that can overcome that—that alone means this is a bad marriage. BUT it totally makes sense you don’t feel that way right now. I still struggle with similar thoughts and I’m months into my separation and working on our divorce. It’s the denial part of grieving the loss.

 

Also this isn’t the fault of Old Flame it’s the fault of your wife. She’s the one who is married to you and betrayed you, not him.

 

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this and it’s obvious you adore her. NC/180 is both the best way to get her back and the best way to get over her, so it’s a win-win and I would totally recommend it. However, I think you really need to consider whether this is a relationship you would want back anyway, because she’s done this to you with OF and she’s had affairs with him before...this is a pattern of behavior and she’s making conscious choices not to honor commitments in order to be with him. Getting back with her (if she ever wanted that anyway) would just guarantee you more of the same, I’m afraid.

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Again, this is not a bad marriage.

For you it was not a bad marriage, but that isn't a position or opinion that you can take for the both of you.

 

She said this to you: "She said she didn’t want to stop seeing him and wouldn’t."

 

In saying that, she could not make it any more clear that she no longer values her marriage to you -- even if it was a good, growth-inspiring one -- and she now wants something else for herself.

 

It is very difficult and stressful and traumatizing; I get that.

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My guess is that latterly whilst you were in a "beautiful marriage" and were "deeply in love", she didn't feel the same and went on the hunt for someone else.

Mr Old Flame come to mind and the rest is history.

 

Whether you are weak or strong over this debacle, makes no difference.

Her mind is made up.

Too many men blame themselves for acting "wrongly" in the face of a break up, but truth is they had no say in the matter, the decision like here is hers alone.

 

Also do not think sex = love.

Women can have sex with men they love, men they care nothing for and men they despise or even hate. They have sex for all different reasons too, love may have nothing to do with it.

I would put no value on the recent sex, break up sex is very common, she still prefers him, she is still leaving you...

 

I know you think age is not a factor, but it could very well be. When you met you were early forties, now you are pushing 50 - big difference to a woman in her thirties.

 

I would not spend a lot of time thinking about him, he could very well be just a stepping stone to make leaving her marriage a bit easier for her. Many women and men too, find people to provide themselves with a "soft landing" when leaving LTRs, exit affairs are not uncommon.

Or he may just be the love of her life...

Who knows?

Whatever it is, it is a moot point.

Grieve, heal and move on.

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Listen, she has been involved with this guy for years and it hasn't worked out for them. There is a reason for that. That reason will appear soon and she will come crawling back.

 

Dont pay any attention to the she just wanted out and he was her soft landing nonsense. She flat out told you this guy was a threat to your marriage before she got involved with him again, so that proves it was not just her being unhappy and wanting out. For whatever reason some attempt to turn any poor behavior from females into a problem with the male. Ignore that, you know what your marriage was, but again she told you he was a threat.

 

Time to move on, and when they fail and she comes back just remember this guy will still be a threat.

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Old Flame has a warrant out for his arrest, he has had numerous run ins with the law, he’s been in jail, he has six kids from three women (I think) and doesn’t pay child support even on the one he is court ordered to. He is ratchet, and not good for a future. Something she clearly doesn’t see.

 

 

It's possible she has a fetish for criminals or more likely a specific thing for this one person. Recommend you let her go. If she wants to come back at some point you can call the shots as you see fit.

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If you have no children with her, RUN. Look what she threw your marriage away for, a felon, a real looser. What value does she put on you if she is risking your relationship for such a low life? There is nothing to save here but your respect and the only way to do that is to take the power you gave her over your life away from her, why, because she makes really bad choices. Don't wait for her to decide, come home today with moving boxes and tape(you can get boxes reasonably at any Uhaul rental location. Start packing your sh*t, talk to a lawyer, get tested for all STD's. Please don't have sex with her, your health is at risk. condoms won't protect you from some of the really nasty stuff that is out there. Google and read up on "the 180" implement the 180 immediately and get your a$$ away from her. She is not wife material.

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I'm going to give you advice, but first I'm going to say you shouldn't be in love with someone who hasn't any better sense than to like this creep.

 

Me, I'd keep in touch with her and keep the law and courts well informed on his whereabouts and where he works so they can serve any warrants and take his child support. Meanwhile, I'd unceremoniously kick her out, but I'd stay in contact and pretend to care to get rid of this guy.

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I have a feeling she has been using you and hasn't been nearly as "in love" with you as you are with her.

 

Do you contribute more financially? Did you "rescue" her from a prior bad situation?

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If the roles were reversed, do you think that she would be so passive and accepting as you have been? Nobody down deep loves a doormat. She has shown you who she is and by her actions clearly, have shown you the disrespect that she has for you and your marriage.

 

If you do not respect yourself, then who will?

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Your wife is not marriage material. She has already been divorced once and now she's gearing up to leave her 2nd marriage. When you say that she and this guy have had affairs before do you mean that she cheated in her first marriage too?

 

You keep talking about how healthy and happy your marriage is/was. Guess what? Some women who have deep seeded issues don't really want happy and healthy. They want to be self destructive, they want to chase men who are bad for them, they want drama and pain and passion. Healthy and happy is boring. They need chaos and instability to feel alive. Since your wife is now cheating her way out of a 2nd marriage I think she is showing a pattern of not being able to sustain a longterm stable relationship She is not marriage material.

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She cheats and you are the one leaving?

 

Never leave your home.

 

File for D. You are currently disrespecting yourself.

 

Stop

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She loves me.

 

Murnaufau, have to ask you, how then would she treat you if she didn't love you?

 

You're one of a number of spouses who've posted here with the seeming impression the AP has somehow cast a spell on your unwilling wife, and if she could only snap out of it things would go back to normal, whatever that means.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth. Affairs are series of macro and micro deceptions, all which your wife has been a co-conspirator in at each turn. Whatever value you placed on your marriage, she has decided it's worthless.

 

So even though she's lied to you, you should at least begin to be honest with yourself. A little righteous anger would help you move forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

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