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Best Years of our Lives blown by Old Flame


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 28th February 2019, 9:24 AM   #16
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My guess is that latterly whilst you were in a "beautiful marriage" and were "deeply in love", she didn't feel the same and went on the hunt for someone else.
Mr Old Flame come to mind and the rest is history.

Whether you are weak or strong over this debacle, makes no difference.
Her mind is made up.
Too many men blame themselves for acting "wrongly" in the face of a break up, but truth is they had no say in the matter, the decision like here is hers alone.

Also do not think sex = love.
Women can have sex with men they love, men they care nothing for and men they despise or even hate. They have sex for all different reasons too, love may have nothing to do with it.
I would put no value on the recent sex, break up sex is very common, she still prefers him, she is still leaving you...

I know you think age is not a factor, but it could very well be. When you met you were early forties, now you are pushing 50 - big difference to a woman in her thirties.

I would not spend a lot of time thinking about him, he could very well be just a stepping stone to make leaving her marriage a bit easier for her. Many women and men too, find people to provide themselves with a "soft landing" when leaving LTRs, exit affairs are not uncommon.
Or he may just be the love of her life...
Who knows?
Whatever it is, it is a moot point.
Grieve, heal and move on.
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Old 28th February 2019, 10:11 AM   #17
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Listen, she has been involved with this guy for years and it hasn't worked out for them. There is a reason for that. That reason will appear soon and she will come crawling back.

Dont pay any attention to the she just wanted out and he was her soft landing nonsense. She flat out told you this guy was a threat to your marriage before she got involved with him again, so that proves it was not just her being unhappy and wanting out. For whatever reason some attempt to turn any poor behavior from females into a problem with the male. Ignore that, you know what your marriage was, but again she told you he was a threat.

Time to move on, and when they fail and she comes back just remember this guy will still be a threat.
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Old 28th February 2019, 2:39 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Murnaufau View Post
Old Flame has a warrant out for his arrest, he has had numerous run ins with the law, he’s been in jail, he has six kids from three women (I think) and doesn’t pay child support even on the one he is court ordered to. He is ratchet, and not good for a future. Something she clearly doesn’t see.

It's possible she has a fetish for criminals or more likely a specific thing for this one person. Recommend you let her go. If she wants to come back at some point you can call the shots as you see fit.
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Old 28th February 2019, 2:57 PM   #19
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If you have no children with her, RUN. Look what she threw your marriage away for, a felon, a real looser. What value does she put on you if she is risking your relationship for such a low life? There is nothing to save here but your respect and the only way to do that is to take the power you gave her over your life away from her, why, because she makes really bad choices. Don't wait for her to decide, come home today with moving boxes and tape(you can get boxes reasonably at any Uhaul rental location. Start packing your sh*t, talk to a lawyer, get tested for all STD's. Please don't have sex with her, your health is at risk. condoms won't protect you from some of the really nasty stuff that is out there. Google and read up on "the 180" implement the 180 immediately and get your a$$ away from her. She is not wife material.
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Old 28th February 2019, 2:57 PM   #20
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I'm going to give you advice, but first I'm going to say you shouldn't be in love with someone who hasn't any better sense than to like this creep.

Me, I'd keep in touch with her and keep the law and courts well informed on his whereabouts and where he works so they can serve any warrants and take his child support. Meanwhile, I'd unceremoniously kick her out, but I'd stay in contact and pretend to care to get rid of this guy.
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Old 28th February 2019, 4:06 PM   #21
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I have a feeling she has been using you and hasn't been nearly as "in love" with you as you are with her.

Do you contribute more financially? Did you "rescue" her from a prior bad situation?
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Old 28th February 2019, 10:57 PM   #22
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If the roles were reversed, do you think that she would be so passive and accepting as you have been? Nobody down deep loves a doormat. She has shown you who she is and by her actions clearly, have shown you the disrespect that she has for you and your marriage.

If you do not respect yourself, then who will?
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Old 28th February 2019, 11:12 PM   #23
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Your wife is not marriage material. She has already been divorced once and now she's gearing up to leave her 2nd marriage. When you say that she and this guy have had affairs before do you mean that she cheated in her first marriage too?

You keep talking about how healthy and happy your marriage is/was. Guess what? Some women who have deep seeded issues don't really want happy and healthy. They want to be self destructive, they want to chase men who are bad for them, they want drama and pain and passion. Healthy and happy is boring. They need chaos and instability to feel alive. Since your wife is now cheating her way out of a 2nd marriage I think she is showing a pattern of not being able to sustain a longterm stable relationship She is not marriage material.
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Old 28th February 2019, 11:18 PM   #24
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She cheats and you are the one leaving?

Never leave your home.

File for D. You are currently disrespecting yourself.

Stop
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Old 28th February 2019, 11:27 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by Murnaufau View Post
She loves me.
Murnaufau, have to ask you, how then would she treat you if she didn't love you?

You're one of a number of spouses who've posted here with the seeming impression the AP has somehow cast a spell on your unwilling wife, and if she could only snap out of it things would go back to normal, whatever that means.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Affairs are series of macro and micro deceptions, all which your wife has been a co-conspirator in at each turn. Whatever value you placed on your marriage, she has decided it's worthless.

So even though she's lied to you, you should at least begin to be honest with yourself. A little righteous anger would help you move forward...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 1st March 2019, 12:19 AM   #26
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Murnaufau, I know of three couples this has happened to over the past two and a half years. One of the couples I know very well.

All of the men in these three couples are good looking and high earners. The wives were all SAH moms. Not that it couldn't happen to working women.

All of the women left the men for losers. The men all loved the wives and tried to hold on to the marriages.

The man in the couple I know well worked very hard doing the pick me dance. When he finally gave up and divorced her the ex wife wanted to come back. He will not take her back.

With the other two situations the same thing happened. All the couples got divorced. But once the women believed they'd lost their ex H's completely they wanted to come back. One of the men took his ex back but the other wouldn't.

I share this with you for a reason. If you're ever going to get her back (though I hope you won't take her back) your only chance is to let her go completely. There is no way things are going to work out for your ex and this loser she's with. It's only a matter of time until she comes back to you IF you don't hang around acting like you'll take her back.

You have to shut the door on this woman (180) whether or not you want to be with her again. The 180 is not a game and you don't do it to manipulate your W. You do it because if you don't you will get kicked around and disrespected for as long as you'll take it. But I believe in the situation you have described chances are high things won't work out with loser OF and your wife will be back if you move on and don't hang around trying to get her back. I sure hope you won't take her back, but that's your business.
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Old 1st March 2019, 12:32 AM   #27
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No contact, let her crash and burn with the old flame, no way let her come back.
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Old 1st March 2019, 12:39 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by LivingWaterPlease View Post
You have to shut the door on this woman (180) whether or not you want to be with her again. The 180 is not a game and you don't do it to manipulate your W. You do it because if you don't you will get kicked around and disrespected for as long as you'll take it. But I believe in the situation you have described chances are high things won't work out with loser OF and your wife will be back if you move on and don't hang around trying to get her back. I sure hope you won't take her back, but that's your business.
This is excellent advice. OP, I'm very sorry that you're going through this. Shutting the door on your marriage with your dignity intact is the best path to take.

Post here whenever you want to contact your STBXW. Do not contact her. Stop sleeping with her. File for divorce and have her served with the papers.

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Old 1st March 2019, 6:30 AM   #29
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I do not think you can bank on her coming back, there are no kids here, so what reason would she have for coming back?
I as the dumper, never went "back" as in an attempt to make things work. I had made my decisions, they were not made lightly.
Yes I remained in contact, yes we on occasion hung out as platonic friends, but my intention was merely friendly NOT an attempt to get back together, that was the last thing on my mind.

I was never financially dependent on these men, maybe if we add financial dependence into the equation, maybe that is why some women will return to where their bread is best buttered, but is that a good enough reason to take her back?
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Old 1st March 2019, 8:26 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by Murnaufau View Post
When I move out this weekend, is No Contact the way to go?
Alas, NC is not a luxury available to you in the short term. You two are married. You have a lease in your name. There are legalities that must be ironed out before you can stop talking. So limited contact it is. Do not talk about anything except the details of your split & keep that to a minimum.

If you are on the lease, make sure the landlord is cool taking you off & you get that in writing. If you can't get off the lease, you stay & kick her out. If you don't, Old Flame will move in, they won't pay rent & you will get stuck with the bill.

Next, go see lawyer. Make sure you are protected & find out when the clock starts ticking for you to get divorced. In my state the couple has to live separate & apart for 18 months before you can even file.

Start working out a property settlement agreement but before you leave make sure you have a good financial snapshot of all financials, especially if she has any assets or a pension plan from her work. Until you get that PSA worked out, signed & approved by a judge you have to civil. Pissing her off will cause her to try to inflict financial pain on you.
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