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Wife cheated. 2-years follow-up


CheatedCheater

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CheatedCheater

Hi everybody.

I am Italian and was 51 when these facts occurred. My wife is from East Europe and is 15 years younger than me. We have 1 daughter and were 12 years together when she cheated on me.

We lived abroad, outside Europe.

In 2015 a married couple of local Italian ‘friends’ decided to open a restaurant and proposed to my wife to cooperate there. She accepted with enthusiasm.

The owner also called from Italy his brother, a cook, to help start-up the firm.

This man, almost in his 60s, ugly, short, bent, heavy glasses, 40 cigarettes per day smoker, systematic blasphemer, bankrupt, promiscuous and, as I found out later, with a rich criminal record, immediately started to show interest in my wife, pulling sexual jokes while working together in the kitchen.

I warned her about this situation, but, both because I trusted her 101% and because of the huge differences in standing (physical, cultural, ethical, financial) between us and that man, I underestimated the risk. Unforgivable mistake.

He stayed there for a couple of months or so, then he went back to Italy, as the restaurant started to earn some money.

I was not aware that my wife and he had started a daily communication on WhatsApp. He lured her exploiting her interest in becoming a cook. In a matter of few months, they started an emotional affair. He was able, from the distance and despite not even being able to write two lines in Italian without making horrible mistakes, to convince my wife that I was the worst possible husband in the world.

By October 2016, the owners of the restaurant had decided to sell it, to move to another nation and this is where the story becomes beyond belief.

The male owner (without my knowing it) called again his brother from Italy.

When he arrived, he immediately started a physical affair with my wife, having multiple intercourses in the restaurant kitchen, with no condoms and beneath the surveillance video cameras (that they had fully renovated the month before, putting audio and HD camcorders just for this, as I discovered later). In her diary, she wrote in detail about her affair and about the risk of getting pregnant. No references to STD, though, despite the obvious risk.

I did not see this coming: I was convinced to have a perfect marriage and was light-years from imagining what was happening.

My wife suddenly changed her behaviour towards me: sex dropped almost to zero, she turned distant and cold, staying awake and literally glued to her cell phone. I asked her what was the matter and she replied that she was furious with the restaurant owners because they wanted to sell it and she felt like that place was "her creature". She was "tired for the job load", too.

In hindsight, all these were huge red flags, but I never, NEVER thought that she could cheat on me and with a man like that.

The recordings were shown by the lover of my wife to our group of Italian “friends”, which I had been acquainted to for 4 years. You can easily imagine the braggings and the comments (someone, months later, relayed me everything).

Those recordings were also uploaded to a couple amateur porn sites, where he made some $6000 per month, that he used to maintain himself and a local woman, who had been his mistress already since 2015.

But the true reason for filming their performances was to make easier the selling of the restaurant (which had been impossible till then).

The footages were shown to another Italian cook (married) and he suddenly decided to buy the restaurant, although it was not in the desired location and priced almost twice the reasonable commercial value. His wife later told me that for no apparent reason, his husband had suddenly decided to go for that choice.

So my wife was actually "sold" to the new owner and very soon he warned her about this and claimed his "rights".

Afraid of losing her job, she consented to start a physical relationship also with him (while keeping the other affair and... me), although not reaching full sexual intercourse. That, too, beneath cameras and regularly recorded and sold to amateur sites.

That's when I began to understand that something was totally off-key.

Seeing her constantly chatting, I once asked to see her phone. As she refused (she actually "froze" when I wanted to look the chat contents), I decided to act.

I downloaded a spy software (best $54 ever) and while she was sleeping, that night, I took her cell, cracked it and installed the patch.

That gave me full control and I began disentangle the old chats and the system logs.

That's how I found what was happening. She was preparing for divorcing me, talking about her adultery both to our Italian friends and to her relatives and female friends in her Country of origin. Noone informed me. They all knew.

Next day I confronted her. She denied even the evidence. Then she caved in and admitted the obvious, but shifted all the blame to me. In those terrible moments she was an unrecognizable person, a total stranger, loaded with an unbelievable charge of hatred towards me.

Only those who experimented being cheated by a beloved wife know the sense of shock, humiliation, rage, disbelief and undescribable pain.

Something of me died that day. I lost 20 kgs in a month and a half.

I decided to stay with her to protect our daughter. I sold off my house and my company there and returned to my Country, with a remarkable financial loss.

I had to strictly control her in the first 40 days, because she absolutely wanted to stay with her lover and she got regularly in touch with him by WhatsApp. I was able to look at their conversations real-time. Could not believe what I saw.

No remorse, no shame, not even the full perception of what she had done.

This began to change only when some of those friends warned us about the existence of the footages (someone even sent me the links to find them...) and all the story behind that, including the intention to sell her to the customers of the restaurant.

Two years later I am still there. My marriage, inside my heart, is irreparably dead.

I must admit that she is loving and doing all she can to try and repair the damage to me and to our daughter (who knows everything).

I stay for the benefit of the kid, but I am destroyed.

Although we have intercourses, I think about what she did to me every single day, tens, hundreds of times. The references to adultery are daily, in films, songs, gags, etc.

Nothing will ever clear this.

I also had a revenge fling (I had never cheated on her before, although having multiple opportunities to do). That gave me strength and self-confidence (in the first weeks after discovery-day I thought my virility was gone forever) and soothed the pain, but the devastation inside remains.

I told you this story because I want everybody to know that you can keep a marriage with a cheating wife, but there's nothing you can actually do to fix it and to return to normality. It's gone. Everything is gone. Not only your marriage, but also the way you look at life and at other people.

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When a BH cannot get past his WW cheating on him the best

thing to do is to divorce his WW.

 

Your story shows no reason for you to stay married to this WW.

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CheatedCheater

Actually there are several reasons to stay with her.

1-my daughter asked me not to divorce her mom.

2-my wife told me that she could do something stupid if I left her.

3-I know for sure that her lover is only waiting for me to break the marriage, to get her again (and our daughter would be involved with him, what I could never accept)

4-in case of separation, I would have to maintain my wife, in spite of what she did. A well-deserved prize for infidelity, I suppose.

 

For the moment I must stay and it's a daily pain, although far lower than when I discovered the affair.

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I told you this story because I want everybody to know that you can keep a marriage with a cheating wife, but there's nothing you can actually do to fix it and to return to normality. It's gone. Everything is gone. Not only your marriage, but also the way you look at life and at other people.

 

One of the older cliches, but today really is the first day of the rest of your life.

 

There's no reason to spend it chained to the belief system you describe. And at this point, the only one holding you back is you. I wouldn't spend two weeks living like that, much less two years.

 

Time for a change...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Your wife's affair partner was only taking what your wayward wife was giving him. You seem to want to put all the blame on him. Your wife is the biggest culprit. You are seeing what you want to see. Perhaps that helps you in living the life of a martyr?

 

I sure wouldn't. Making excuses to stay in this is going to get you what?

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This woman is nothing but a parasite who always finds the most advantageous situation for herself. Right now she's staying with you because that's her only option. Her apologies are fake. The person you saw on confrontation day is the real her. Divorce her and spend the rest of your life making sure that she has limited influence on your daughter.

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I think, if you think, the best thing for you is to stay with her, then you should. I know from personal experience that you can stay with a cheater, control that cheater to your advantage and then when the time is right, for you, then dump the cheater.

 

You just have to get into the cold hearted mindset of a cheater. Live a double life. Lie to the cheater to get what you need from him/her. In your case that being the rasing of your child.

 

Just keep your eyes on the prize. Raise your child and then dump the cheater.

 

Unless you both earn similar wages, you do need to consider legal consequences though. Talk to a lawyer about spousal support and get an agreement from your wife to limit that damage.

Edited by Confused48
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CheatedCheater
Your wife's affair partner was only taking what your wayward wife was giving him. You seem to want to put all the blame on him. Your wife is the biggest culprit. You are seeing what you want to see. Perhaps that helps you in living the life of a martyr?

 

I sure wouldn't. Making excuses to stay in this is going to get you what?

 

I do not live the "life of a martyr".

I considered all the alternatives and staying is, right now, the less damaging option, in my very humble opinion. These are not "excuses": I don't need any excuses. For what?

I put the largest portion of the blame on him, because it is obvious to me how he managed to transform a woman who never had given me any trouble into a sxxt.

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CheatedCheater
This woman is nothing but a parasite who always finds the most advantageous situation for herself. Right now she's staying with you because that's her only option. Her apologies are fake. The person you saw on confrontation day is the real her. Divorce her and spend the rest of your life making sure that she has limited influence on your daughter.

 

You are possibly right as for her absence of true remorse.

The key of your message, though, is "make sure she has limited influence on our daughter": this, given the present laws is next to impossible.

I think that the situation is more or less the same in the USA too, from what I read in this excellent forum.

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CheatedCheater
I think, if you think, the best thing for you is to stay with her, then you should. I know from personal experience that you can stay with a cheater, control that cheater to your advantage and then when the time is right, for you, then dump the cheater.

 

You just have to get into the cold hearted mindset of a cheater. Live a double life. Lie to the cheater to get what you need from him/her. In your case that being the rasing of your child.

 

Just keep your eyes on the prize. Raise your child and then dump the cheater.

 

Unless you both earn similar wages, you do need to consider legal consequences though. Talk to a lawyer about spousal support and get an agreement from your wife to limit that damage.

 

I am in a far better financial situation than her: alimonies would be unavoidable, despite her adultery.

I carefully checked the law's interpretations: cheating (especially if committed by a younger, "poor & foreign" wife) is almost considered as thin air when divorce is concerned. Legal battles cost easily $50,000, last years, are nasty and often lead to the opposite result that you want to get.

I have in front of my eyes the experience of two dear friends of mine, both successful entrepreneurs, who got cheated by their wives (one by a guru and the other by a gym trainer).

Endless legal battles, full proof of the affairs, having been excellent fathers and husbands counts next to zero. Both had to leave their homes and are forced to pass substantial support to their former wives.

I beg you all your pardon for my poor English: I cannot compare to anyone of you, I know...

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I wish my Italian was as bad as your English. Mi sto insegando

parlo italiano (from memory).

 

To the point, you need to speak with some lawyers to find out

where you are legally and what you can do.

 

Lawyers usually give a free consultation.

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CheatedCheater
I wish my Italian was as bad as your English. Mi sto insegando

parlo italiano (from memory).

 

To the point, you need to speak with some lawyers to find out

where you are legally and what you can do.

 

Lawyers usually give a free consultation.

 

I guess you wanted to write "Io sto imparando a parlare italiano", i.e. "I'm learning to speak Italian".

------

I already talked with a lawyer: things are as I stated. If I want to get rid of her, I must be prepared to pay endless alimonies (such as 800 $/month), forget exclusive custody unless I prove she is a bad mother (which, to be honest, I can't) and hope not to find a superleftist judge.

Another possible solution, IF accepted, might be a one shot payment to close it once and forever. Expect amounts in the $35,000-60,000 range.

Not bad for fuxxing around.

That's it.

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I find this story somewhat confusing, but at any rate.

Sir, this sounds like a horrible environment for your daughter, and I wouldn't trust that old perv om around her or your wife around her either. I wouldn't put it past him to hit on your daughter when she gets old enough to catch his eye.

 

 

This goes beyond just an affair...it has the potential to completely blow up. I don't know the laws where you live, but my first move would be to start collecting evidence. Be as sweet as you can to your wife, lulling her into a false sense of security, meanwhile, gather as much evidence about her, this other guy and their goings on. Speak to a lawyer and find out what your rights are. I mean no offense to you when I say this, but my main concern here is your daughter.

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Mr. Lucky, I agree with you, but for the moment I must stay where I am. Not easy at all, though.

 

Then, while it wouldn't be my choice, I'll respect your judgement and reasons for doing so.

 

I put the largest portion of the blame on him, because it is obvious to me how he managed to transform a woman who never had given me any trouble into a sxxt.

 

Though I'll certainly disagree with this. An affair isn't a mistake or even a single bad decision, it involves multiple willingly-made choices, lies, betrayals and deceptions...

 

Mr. Lucky

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My now ex admittedly cheated on me for years, but fortunately she did not screw me over in the divorce. The sad part, one of many, is that she could have if she wanted to. It literally did not matter at all that she had been cheating. I still had to be thankful to her for not screwing me out of everything financially.

 

It's easy for people to tell you to go talk to a lawyer (which you (and I) did), but I seriously question their actual experience and realistic expectations. Seeing a lawyer is great advice, but lawyers still have to work within a court system that heavily favors and benefits women.

 

In my case, she destroyed the marriage by cheating and then she got to decide how much she wanted to destroy me financially. And people wonder why guys don't want to get married.

 

Whether you get divorced or not, being betrayed by your spouse changes your view of the world and the level of trust you have in people. I'm about 2 years divorced as well and the only love left in my heart is for my kids and immediate family.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

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CheatedCheater I am an Italian born male living in Canada. Tua moglie e' una vergognosa moglie imbronciata che ha avuto una relazione perche' voleva. In English, your wife is a disrespectful cheating wife that cheated because she wanted to. Your wife is a serial cheater that would rather have sex with ugly disgusting men then come to you and confess just to keep her infidelities secret. She has shamed you and your daughter, her porn star sex acts are all over the internet, any relative, friend, future grandchildren can google and watch your wife betraying you in such a horrific way. You would have to sue a lot of people to make that go away.

 

Why would you want to be with someone that has shamed your name the way she has shamed yours? What are you showing your child, that it's OK to cheat with multiple men because you won't do anything about it? Your daughter will blame herself for your life, you stayed with a sh*tty partner because of her. I would have a hard time respecting myself if I did that. How do you expect others to respect you if you don't respect yourself? I think you will have a very hard time feeling safe with your wife, she has very poor boundaries. First thing I would require is she agree to a post nuptial agreement that gives you most of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity.

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As someone who is over 10 yrs on from H’s affair I can tell you that in my experience it takes around 4 years before the raw hurt goes away. Me and hubby have been together over 32 years, we are happy and in love despite his 8 month affair. At some point I decided to look ahead and not back, we both wanted our marriage to work and to do that I had to look to our future. If I couldn’t I would have left, I did not need to stay, our son was grown up, I was the main wage earner, but I loved him, he loved me.

 

Staying is damned hard, but, I weighed up a future with or without him, I forgave him and so we began the long, hard job of looking at why he had his A, for my H, PTSD and combat stress playedits part, but our lack of communication didn’t help. It can work, if you don’t believe it cannot then leave. Children pick up on bad vibes, some blame themselves when they cannot work out what’s wrong with Mum and Dad.

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I guess you wanted to write "Io sto imparando a parlare italiano", i.e. "I'm learning to speak Italian".

------

I already talked with a lawyer: things are as I stated. If I want to get rid of her, I must be prepared to pay endless alimonies (such as 800 $/month), forget exclusive custody unless I prove she is a bad mother (which, to be honest, I can't) and hope not to find a superleftist judge.

Another possible solution, IF accepted, might be a one shot payment to close it once and forever. Expect amounts in the $35,000-60,000 range.

Not bad for fuxxing around.

That's it.

 

Actually: I am teaching myself to speak Italian, was my attempt.

 

Well if you want to keep your WW there are strategies to end an affair.

So let us know if you want that kind of help.

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CheatedCheater

Though I'll certainly disagree with this. An affair isn't a mistake or even a single bad decision, it involves multiple willingly-made choices, lies, betrayals and deceptions...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

But... I did not say that it was a mistake. It is obvious that my wife has a remarkable liability in this, but it's obvious too that she changed suddenly and dramatically her behaviour when that came into the scene. She acted somewhat as under the influence. She was not the woman I used to know: she had became a stranger. She even talked in a different way; it was simply unbelievable.

I needed 3 months of strict control to see her "back". Hadn't I seen it, I wouldn't have believed it.

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CheatedCheater

Well if you want to keep your WW there are strategies to end an affair.

So let us know if you want that kind of help.

 

It is not that I want to keep my wife; I must keep her, it's different.

Her affair is over since mid 2017.

I am not here to ask for advices:.very kind of you all; I read hundreds of threads here and I know what you'd suggest. I'm here just to share my experience and to tell how hurtful it feels 2 years after that day.

I also wanted to point out the effects of a revenge fling.

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CheatedCheater
My now ex admittedly cheated on me for years, but fortunately she did not screw me over in the divorce. The sad part, one of many, is that she could have if she wanted to. It literally did not matter at all that she had been cheating. I still had to be thankful to her for not screwing me out of everything financially.

 

It's easy for people to tell you to go talk to a lawyer (which you (and I) did), but I seriously question their actual experience and realistic expectations. Seeing a lawyer is great advice, but lawyers still have to work within a court system that heavily favors and benefits women.

 

In my case, she destroyed the marriage by cheating and then she got to decide how much she wanted to destroy me financially. And people wonder why guys don't want to get married.

 

Whether you get divorced or not, being betrayed by your spouse changes your view of the world and the level of trust you have in people. I'm about 2 years divorced as well and the only love left in my heart is for my kids and immediate family.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

 

I could have written this post (well... in a markedly worse English, of course).

I wish you a great life and the best of best.

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CheatedCheater
As someone who is over 10 yrs on from H’s affair I can tell you that in my experience it takes around 4 years before the raw hurt goes away. Me and hubby have been together over 32 years, we are happy and in love despite his 8 month affair. At some point I decided to look ahead and not back, we both wanted our marriage to work and to do that I had to look to our future. If I couldn’t I would have left, I did not need to stay, our son was grown up, I was the main wage earner, but I loved him, he loved me.

 

Staying is damned hard, but, I weighed up a future with or without him, I forgave him and so we began the long, hard job of looking at why he had his A, for my H, PTSD and combat stress playedits part, but our lack of communication didn’t help. It can work, if you don’t believe it cannot then leave. Children pick up on bad vibes, some blame themselves when they cannot work out what’s wrong with Mum and Dad.

 

Seren, I am happy that you found the strength to rebuild your marriage.

But...

You say that you love your husband, despite the affair; I don't love my wife anymore, after the unbelievable things she did (and I can assure you that my love for her was uncompromised).

I am not interested in making future projects with her: it's not possible, since trust and esteem are destroyed beyond repair. I just go on, day by day.

I even "had to" cheat on her to find myself back.

I stay with her only because I must, not because I want.

My daughter knows the situation between dad and mom: unfortunately, when I pulled my wife out of the situation in which she had irresponsibly plunged herself (and us), I could not avoid our daughter to see and listen what I had to do to secure the family: I was alone, noone helped me (just the opposite, our "friends" were very happy of what they saw). I cannot put in writing here everything that happened.

Nevertheless, the girl asked me not to leave her mom.

For the moment, I see no other options but staying.

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CheatedCheater
CheatedCheater I am an Italian born male living in Canada. Tua moglie e' una vergognosa moglie imbronciata che ha avuto una relazione perche' voleva. In English, your wife is a disrespectful cheating wife that cheated because she wanted to. Your wife is a serial cheater that would rather have sex with ugly disgusting men then come to you and confess just to keep her infidelities secret. She has shamed you and your daughter, her porn star sex acts are all over the internet, any relative, friend, future grandchildren can google and watch your wife betraying you in such a horrific way. You would have to sue a lot of people to make that go away.

 

Why would you want to be with someone that has shamed your name the way she has shamed yours? What are you showing your child, that it's OK to cheat with multiple men because you won't do anything about it? Your daughter will blame herself for your life, you stayed with a sh*tty partner because of her. I would have a hard time respecting myself if I did that. How do you expect others to respect you if you don't respect yourself? I think you will have a very hard time feeling safe with your wife, she has very poor boundaries. First thing I would require is she agree to a post nuptial agreement that gives you most of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity.

 

Well, what must I say?

(1) Imbronciato means sulky, so I guess that you did not use properly that term...

(2) She did not confess anything spontaneously. She confessed only when I found undisputable proofs of her affairs. She even tried to deny the obvious truth.

(3) I cannot sue anyone for the videos, because it didn't happen in Italy, but in a totally different Country, with which I don't want to have the slightest tie.

Moreover, the two direct authors are penniless, so no point in suing them (at least to get some money). The people who told me about the videos would never testify in front of a judge.

(4) As I pointed out before, my daughter knows more or less all the truth. I asked her what she preferred me to do: she replied "Stay with mom, no matter what she did". This is what I'm going to do, at least for some years.

She is my priority.

(5) I never said that I feel safe with my wife, after what I found out. I just can't. But I know that, as long as I am around, the other man will stay away from her and therefore from the girl. When my daughter is grown up, she will be able to make decisions on her own and put herself out of potentially dangerous situations.

(6) I am perfectly aware that many people do not respect me anymore: it's part of the game. I lost some old time friends. Others remained, understood and helped me. Some of them even call me a hero or a saint (I'm neither). It's like a war. I do not expect that everybody agrees with me nor supports my decisions.

(7) Post nuptial agreement? Ha! Illegal here... I could even be convicted for extorsion if I somewhat were able to get such a document (that she anyhow would -never- subscribe, of course, since she owns nothing).

 

AliveAgain, with the law so hugely bent in favour of women (not to say if much younger and foreigner), no way to get justice, even in cases like mine.

If I want to get rid of her, I must get rid of my money too and of my daughter. This goes against my policies, as for now.

I beg the pardon of all the female readers of this thread, of course.

 

I hope I made my points clear. Available for any further explanation.

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CheatedCheater, sorry about my grammar as it has been many years since I last spoke Italian. This is your life and no one controls you, you need to make decisions that are best for you. I have zero tolerance for infidelity, it took 3 women cheating on me to get to that place. The first two women that cheated on me I did my best with counselling to try and make the relationships work but I was never able to get over the feeling of being with someone who was now tainted. It felt like I was just settling and that didn't make me feel very good about myself. That is when I knew that infidelity was a deal breaker for me. The older I get the less time I want to waste on people that aren't as committed to the relationship as me. The thing you have to remember, no one forced her to have sex with other men, people go to prison for forcing sex on others. People that have affairs have them because they took time to think about it before they chose to do so. People without consequences often do it again.

 

I don't know the laws in Italy regarding post nuptials, even here they are hard to enforce but she will have to spend a lot of money in court to find out and that in itself is a deterrent. I guess the point I am trying to make is don't settle. Choose happiness and if being with her makes you happy, great, continue on, if not, life's too short so make the changes that make you happy.

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