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Wife cheated. 2-years follow-up


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 28th February 2019, 12:36 PM   #16
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My now ex admittedly cheated on me for years, but fortunately she did not screw me over in the divorce. The sad part, one of many, is that she could have if she wanted to. It literally did not matter at all that she had been cheating. I still had to be thankful to her for not screwing me out of everything financially.

It's easy for people to tell you to go talk to a lawyer (which you (and I) did), but I seriously question their actual experience and realistic expectations. Seeing a lawyer is great advice, but lawyers still have to work within a court system that heavily favors and benefits women.

In my case, she destroyed the marriage by cheating and then she got to decide how much she wanted to destroy me financially. And people wonder why guys don't want to get married.

Whether you get divorced or not, being betrayed by your spouse changes your view of the world and the level of trust you have in people. I'm about 2 years divorced as well and the only love left in my heart is for my kids and immediate family.

I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 28th February 2019, 2:36 PM   #17
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CheatedCheater I am an Italian born male living in Canada. Tua moglie e' una vergognosa moglie imbronciata che ha avuto una relazione perche' voleva. In English, your wife is a disrespectful cheating wife that cheated because she wanted to. Your wife is a serial cheater that would rather have sex with ugly disgusting men then come to you and confess just to keep her infidelities secret. She has shamed you and your daughter, her porn star sex acts are all over the internet, any relative, friend, future grandchildren can google and watch your wife betraying you in such a horrific way. You would have to sue a lot of people to make that go away.

Why would you want to be with someone that has shamed your name the way she has shamed yours? What are you showing your child, that it's OK to cheat with multiple men because you won't do anything about it? Your daughter will blame herself for your life, you stayed with a sh*tty partner because of her. I would have a hard time respecting myself if I did that. How do you expect others to respect you if you don't respect yourself? I think you will have a very hard time feeling safe with your wife, she has very poor boundaries. First thing I would require is she agree to a post nuptial agreement that gives you most of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity.
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Old 28th February 2019, 2:44 PM   #18
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As someone who is over 10 yrs on from Hís affair I can tell you that in my experience it takes around 4 years before the raw hurt goes away. Me and hubby have been together over 32 years, we are happy and in love despite his 8 month affair. At some point I decided to look ahead and not back, we both wanted our marriage to work and to do that I had to look to our future. If I couldnít I would have left, I did not need to stay, our son was grown up, I was the main wage earner, but I loved him, he loved me.

Staying is damned hard, but, I weighed up a future with or without him, I forgave him and so we began the long, hard job of looking at why he had his A, for my H, PTSD and combat stress playedits part, but our lack of communication didnít help. It can work, if you donít believe it cannot then leave. Children pick up on bad vibes, some blame themselves when they cannot work out whatís wrong with Mum and Dad.
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Old 28th February 2019, 7:12 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CheatedCheater View Post
I guess you wanted to write "Io sto imparando a parlare italiano", i.e. "I'm learning to speak Italian".
------
I already talked with a lawyer: things are as I stated. If I want to get rid of her, I must be prepared to pay endless alimonies (such as 800 $/month), forget exclusive custody unless I prove she is a bad mother (which, to be honest, I can't) and hope not to find a superleftist judge.
Another possible solution, IF accepted, might be a one shot payment to close it once and forever. Expect amounts in the $35,000-60,000 range.
Not bad for fuxxing around.
That's it.
Actually: I am teaching myself to speak Italian, was my attempt.

Well if you want to keep your WW there are strategies to end an affair.
So let us know if you want that kind of help.
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Old 1st March 2019, 2:18 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
Though I'll certainly disagree with this. An affair isn't a mistake or even a single bad decision, it involves multiple willingly-made choices, lies, betrayals and deceptions...

Mr. Lucky
But... I did not say that it was a mistake. It is obvious that my wife has a remarkable liability in this, but it's obvious too that she changed suddenly and dramatically her behaviour when that came into the scene. She acted somewhat as under the influence. She was not the woman I used to know: she had became a stranger. She even talked in a different way; it was simply unbelievable.
I needed 3 months of strict control to see her "back". Hadn't I seen it, I wouldn't have believed it.
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Old 1st March 2019, 4:06 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by oldtruck View Post
Well if you want to keep your WW there are strategies to end an affair.
So let us know if you want that kind of help.
It is not that I want to keep my wife; I must keep her, it's different.
Her affair is over since mid 2017.
I am not here to ask for advices:.very kind of you all; I read hundreds of threads here and I know what you'd suggest. I'm here just to share my experience and to tell how hurtful it feels 2 years after that day.
I also wanted to point out the effects of a revenge fling.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 5:06 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by Oak View Post
My now ex admittedly cheated on me for years, but fortunately she did not screw me over in the divorce. The sad part, one of many, is that she could have if she wanted to. It literally did not matter at all that she had been cheating. I still had to be thankful to her for not screwing me out of everything financially.

It's easy for people to tell you to go talk to a lawyer (which you (and I) did), but I seriously question their actual experience and realistic expectations. Seeing a lawyer is great advice, but lawyers still have to work within a court system that heavily favors and benefits women.

In my case, she destroyed the marriage by cheating and then she got to decide how much she wanted to destroy me financially. And people wonder why guys don't want to get married.

Whether you get divorced or not, being betrayed by your spouse changes your view of the world and the level of trust you have in people. I'm about 2 years divorced as well and the only love left in my heart is for my kids and immediate family.

I wish you the best of luck.
I could have written this post (well... in a markedly worse English, of course).
I wish you a great life and the best of best.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 5:28 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by seren View Post
As someone who is over 10 yrs on from Hís affair I can tell you that in my experience it takes around 4 years before the raw hurt goes away. Me and hubby have been together over 32 years, we are happy and in love despite his 8 month affair. At some point I decided to look ahead and not back, we both wanted our marriage to work and to do that I had to look to our future. If I couldnít I would have left, I did not need to stay, our son was grown up, I was the main wage earner, but I loved him, he loved me.

Staying is damned hard, but, I weighed up a future with or without him, I forgave him and so we began the long, hard job of looking at why he had his A, for my H, PTSD and combat stress playedits part, but our lack of communication didnít help. It can work, if you donít believe it cannot then leave. Children pick up on bad vibes, some blame themselves when they cannot work out whatís wrong with Mum and Dad.
Seren, I am happy that you found the strength to rebuild your marriage.
But...
You say that you love your husband, despite the affair; I don't love my wife anymore, after the unbelievable things she did (and I can assure you that my love for her was uncompromised).
I am not interested in making future projects with her: it's not possible, since trust and esteem are destroyed beyond repair. I just go on, day by day.
I even "had to" cheat on her to find myself back.
I stay with her only because I must, not because I want.
My daughter knows the situation between dad and mom: unfortunately, when I pulled my wife out of the situation in which she had irresponsibly plunged herself (and us), I could not avoid our daughter to see and listen what I had to do to secure the family: I was alone, noone helped me (just the opposite, our "friends" were very happy of what they saw). I cannot put in writing here everything that happened.
Nevertheless, the girl asked me not to leave her mom.
For the moment, I see no other options but staying.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 5:59 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by aliveagain View Post
CheatedCheater I am an Italian born male living in Canada. Tua moglie e' una vergognosa moglie imbronciata che ha avuto una relazione perche' voleva. In English, your wife is a disrespectful cheating wife that cheated because she wanted to. Your wife is a serial cheater that would rather have sex with ugly disgusting men then come to you and confess just to keep her infidelities secret. She has shamed you and your daughter, her porn star sex acts are all over the internet, any relative, friend, future grandchildren can google and watch your wife betraying you in such a horrific way. You would have to sue a lot of people to make that go away.

Why would you want to be with someone that has shamed your name the way she has shamed yours? What are you showing your child, that it's OK to cheat with multiple men because you won't do anything about it? Your daughter will blame herself for your life, you stayed with a sh*tty partner because of her. I would have a hard time respecting myself if I did that. How do you expect others to respect you if you don't respect yourself? I think you will have a very hard time feeling safe with your wife, she has very poor boundaries. First thing I would require is she agree to a post nuptial agreement that gives you most of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity.
Well, what must I say?
(1) Imbronciato means sulky, so I guess that you did not use properly that term...
(2) She did not confess anything spontaneously. She confessed only when I found undisputable proofs of her affairs. She even tried to deny the obvious truth.
(3) I cannot sue anyone for the videos, because it didn't happen in Italy, but in a totally different Country, with which I don't want to have the slightest tie.
Moreover, the two direct authors are penniless, so no point in suing them (at least to get some money). The people who told me about the videos would never testify in front of a judge.
(4) As I pointed out before, my daughter knows more or less all the truth. I asked her what she preferred me to do: she replied "Stay with mom, no matter what she did". This is what I'm going to do, at least for some years.
She is my priority.
(5) I never said that I feel safe with my wife, after what I found out. I just can't. But I know that, as long as I am around, the other man will stay away from her and therefore from the girl. When my daughter is grown up, she will be able to make decisions on her own and put herself out of potentially dangerous situations.
(6) I am perfectly aware that many people do not respect me anymore: it's part of the game. I lost some old time friends. Others remained, understood and helped me. Some of them even call me a hero or a saint (I'm neither). It's like a war. I do not expect that everybody agrees with me nor supports my decisions.
(7) Post nuptial agreement? Ha! Illegal here... I could even be convicted for extorsion if I somewhat were able to get such a document (that she anyhow would -never- subscribe, of course, since she owns nothing).

AliveAgain, with the law so hugely bent in favour of women (not to say if much younger and foreigner), no way to get justice, even in cases like mine.
If I want to get rid of her, I must get rid of my money too and of my daughter. This goes against my policies, as for now.
I beg the pardon of all the female readers of this thread, of course.

I hope I made my points clear. Available for any further explanation.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 1:16 PM   #25
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CheatedCheater, sorry about my grammar as it has been many years since I last spoke Italian. This is your life and no one controls you, you need to make decisions that are best for you. I have zero tolerance for infidelity, it took 3 women cheating on me to get to that place. The first two women that cheated on me I did my best with counselling to try and make the relationships work but I was never able to get over the feeling of being with someone who was now tainted. It felt like I was just settling and that didn't make me feel very good about myself. That is when I knew that infidelity was a deal breaker for me. The older I get the less time I want to waste on people that aren't as committed to the relationship as me. The thing you have to remember, no one forced her to have sex with other men, people go to prison for forcing sex on others. People that have affairs have them because they took time to think about it before they chose to do so. People without consequences often do it again.

I don't know the laws in Italy regarding post nuptials, even here they are hard to enforce but she will have to spend a lot of money in court to find out and that in itself is a deterrent. I guess the point I am trying to make is don't settle. Choose happiness and if being with her makes you happy, great, continue on, if not, life's too short so make the changes that make you happy.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 1:28 PM   #26
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What is the attitude of your wife toward you? Does she acknowledge that she for all intents and purposes destroyed your love and her marriage? How does she look in your eyes?
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Old 3rd March 2019, 6:26 PM   #27
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What is the attitude of your wife toward you? Does she acknowledge that she for all intents and purposes destroyed your love and her marriage? How does she look in your eyes?
She is lovely to me and she would like to rebuild the marriage, but I do not love her anymore and I'm not interested to invest a cent in our relationship. I am simply posponing the inevitable.
My deep feeling is that she doesn't understand the severity of what she did. I do not see any sincere remorse. She is like a robot when it comes to her adultery: I see rug sweeping, minimizing....
Sad. It's over.
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Old 4th March 2019, 1:24 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by aliveagain View Post
CheatedCheater, sorry about my grammar as it has been many years since I last spoke Italian. This is your life and no one controls you, you need to make decisions that are best for you. I have zero tolerance for infidelity, it took 3 women cheating on me to get to that place. The first two women that cheated on me I did my best with counselling to try and make the relationships work but I was never able to get over the feeling of being with someone who was now tainted. It felt like I was just settling and that didn't make me feel very good about myself. That is when I knew that infidelity was a deal breaker for me. The older I get the less time I want to waste on people that aren't as committed to the relationship as me. The thing you have to remember, no one forced her to have sex with other men, people go to prison for forcing sex on others. People that have affairs have them because they took time to think about it before they chose to do so. People without consequences often do it again.

I don't know the laws in Italy regarding post nuptials, even here they are hard to enforce but she will have to spend a lot of money in court to find out and that in itself is a deterrent. I guess the point I am trying to make is don't settle. Choose happiness and if being with her makes you happy, great, continue on, if not, life's too short so make the changes that make you happy.
I agree with you: "tainted" is the master word here that describes perfectly how I see her after I discovered her affairs.
And yes, infidelity is a deal breaker for me too, but, since an innocent is involved, let s say that it's a "delayed deal breaker".
Being with her will never make me happy again: it's over.
I am aware that she might cheat again: nothing significant would change as I don't consider her my wife anymore.
Post nuptial is a no-go. First, she would never sign it (why should she? How can I enforce that?) and second, since it is something that clearly goes against any logic, the judge would interpret the deed as obtained by means of threat, so I would severely risk to be indicted for extortion.
Best of all to you, my friend and to the other readers, too!
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Old 4th March 2019, 1:54 AM   #29
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I am looking at her right now. It's dawn and she's sleeping like a baby. She has clearly little comprehension of the consequencies of what she did: marriage tainted and destroyed, reputation of the 3 of us gone, heavy financial losses, undescribable pain, anger and shame...
She brought devastation on our lives and what for? Basically for nothing.
Unbelievable.

Last edited by CheatedCheater; 4th March 2019 at 1:55 AM.. Reason: Message completion.
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Old 4th March 2019, 1:59 AM   #30
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IN her eyes she got away with it. Zero consequences.
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