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Wife cheated. 2-years follow-up


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Old 27th February 2019, 4:59 PM   #1
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Wife cheated. 2-years follow-up

Hi everybody.
I am Italian and was 51 when these facts occurred. My wife is from East Europe and is 15 years younger than me. We have 1 daughter and were 12 years together when she cheated on me.
We lived abroad, outside Europe.
In 2015 a married couple of local Italian ‘friends’ decided to open a restaurant and proposed to my wife to cooperate there. She accepted with enthusiasm.
The owner also called from Italy his brother, a cook, to help start-up the firm.
This man, almost in his 60s, ugly, short, bent, heavy glasses, 40 cigarettes per day smoker, systematic blasphemer, bankrupt, promiscuous and, as I found out later, with a rich criminal record, immediately started to show interest in my wife, pulling sexual jokes while working together in the kitchen.
I warned her about this situation, but, both because I trusted her 101% and because of the huge differences in standing (physical, cultural, ethical, financial) between us and that man, I underestimated the risk. Unforgivable mistake.
He stayed there for a couple of months or so, then he went back to Italy, as the restaurant started to earn some money.
I was not aware that my wife and he had started a daily communication on WhatsApp. He lured her exploiting her interest in becoming a cook. In a matter of few months, they started an emotional affair. He was able, from the distance and despite not even being able to write two lines in Italian without making horrible mistakes, to convince my wife that I was the worst possible husband in the world.
By October 2016, the owners of the restaurant had decided to sell it, to move to another nation and this is where the story becomes beyond belief.
The male owner (without my knowing it) called again his brother from Italy.
When he arrived, he immediately started a physical affair with my wife, having multiple intercourses in the restaurant kitchen, with no condoms and beneath the surveillance video cameras (that they had fully renovated the month before, putting audio and HD camcorders just for this, as I discovered later). In her diary, she wrote in detail about her affair and about the risk of getting pregnant. No references to STD, though, despite the obvious risk.
I did not see this coming: I was convinced to have a perfect marriage and was light-years from imagining what was happening.
My wife suddenly changed her behaviour towards me: sex dropped almost to zero, she turned distant and cold, staying awake and literally glued to her cell phone. I asked her what was the matter and she replied that she was furious with the restaurant owners because they wanted to sell it and she felt like that place was "her creature". She was "tired for the job load", too.
In hindsight, all these were huge red flags, but I never, NEVER thought that she could cheat on me and with a man like that.
The recordings were shown by the lover of my wife to our group of Italian “friends”, which I had been acquainted to for 4 years. You can easily imagine the braggings and the comments (someone, months later, relayed me everything).
Those recordings were also uploaded to a couple amateur porn sites, where he made some $6000 per month, that he used to maintain himself and a local woman, who had been his mistress already since 2015.
But the true reason for filming their performances was to make easier the selling of the restaurant (which had been impossible till then).
The footages were shown to another Italian cook (married) and he suddenly decided to buy the restaurant, although it was not in the desired location and priced almost twice the reasonable commercial value. His wife later told me that for no apparent reason, his husband had suddenly decided to go for that choice.
So my wife was actually "sold" to the new owner and very soon he warned her about this and claimed his "rights".
Afraid of losing her job, she consented to start a physical relationship also with him (while keeping the other affair and... me), although not reaching full sexual intercourse. That, too, beneath cameras and regularly recorded and sold to amateur sites.
That's when I began to understand that something was totally off-key.
Seeing her constantly chatting, I once asked to see her phone. As she refused (she actually "froze" when I wanted to look the chat contents), I decided to act.
I downloaded a spy software (best $54 ever) and while she was sleeping, that night, I took her cell, cracked it and installed the patch.
That gave me full control and I began disentangle the old chats and the system logs.
That's how I found what was happening. She was preparing for divorcing me, talking about her adultery both to our Italian friends and to her relatives and female friends in her Country of origin. Noone informed me. They all knew.
Next day I confronted her. She denied even the evidence. Then she caved in and admitted the obvious, but shifted all the blame to me. In those terrible moments she was an unrecognizable person, a total stranger, loaded with an unbelievable charge of hatred towards me.
Only those who experimented being cheated by a beloved wife know the sense of shock, humiliation, rage, disbelief and undescribable pain.
Something of me died that day. I lost 20 kgs in a month and a half.
I decided to stay with her to protect our daughter. I sold off my house and my company there and returned to my Country, with a remarkable financial loss.
I had to strictly control her in the first 40 days, because she absolutely wanted to stay with her lover and she got regularly in touch with him by WhatsApp. I was able to look at their conversations real-time. Could not believe what I saw.
No remorse, no shame, not even the full perception of what she had done.
This began to change only when some of those friends warned us about the existence of the footages (someone even sent me the links to find them...) and all the story behind that, including the intention to sell her to the customers of the restaurant.
Two years later I am still there. My marriage, inside my heart, is irreparably dead.
I must admit that she is loving and doing all she can to try and repair the damage to me and to our daughter (who knows everything).
I stay for the benefit of the kid, but I am destroyed.
Although we have intercourses, I think about what she did to me every single day, tens, hundreds of times. The references to adultery are daily, in films, songs, gags, etc.
Nothing will ever clear this.
I also had a revenge fling (I had never cheated on her before, although having multiple opportunities to do). That gave me strength and self-confidence (in the first weeks after discovery-day I thought my virility was gone forever) and soothed the pain, but the devastation inside remains.
I told you this story because I want everybody to know that you can keep a marriage with a cheating wife, but there's nothing you can actually do to fix it and to return to normality. It's gone. Everything is gone. Not only your marriage, but also the way you look at life and at other people.
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Old 27th February 2019, 5:44 PM   #2
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When a BH cannot get past his WW cheating on him the best
thing to do is to divorce his WW.

Your story shows no reason for you to stay married to this WW.
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Old 27th February 2019, 5:51 PM   #3
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Actually there are several reasons to stay with her.
1-my daughter asked me not to divorce her mom.
2-my wife told me that she could do something stupid if I left her.
3-I know for sure that her lover is only waiting for me to break the marriage, to get her again (and our daughter would be involved with him, what I could never accept)
4-in case of separation, I would have to maintain my wife, in spite of what she did. A well-deserved prize for infidelity, I suppose.

For the moment I must stay and it's a daily pain, although far lower than when I discovered the affair.
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Old 27th February 2019, 5:53 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CheatedCheater View Post
I told you this story because I want everybody to know that you can keep a marriage with a cheating wife, but there's nothing you can actually do to fix it and to return to normality. It's gone. Everything is gone. Not only your marriage, but also the way you look at life and at other people.
One of the older cliches, but today really is the first day of the rest of your life.

There's no reason to spend it chained to the belief system you describe. And at this point, the only one holding you back is you. I wouldn't spend two weeks living like that, much less two years.

Time for a change...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 27th February 2019, 5:58 PM   #5
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Mr. Lucky, I agree with you, but for the moment I must stay where I am. Not easy at all, though.
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Old 27th February 2019, 6:47 PM   #6
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Your wife's affair partner was only taking what your wayward wife was giving him. You seem to want to put all the blame on him. Your wife is the biggest culprit. You are seeing what you want to see. Perhaps that helps you in living the life of a martyr?

I sure wouldn't. Making excuses to stay in this is going to get you what?
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:40 PM   #7
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This woman is nothing but a parasite who always finds the most advantageous situation for herself. Right now she's staying with you because that's her only option. Her apologies are fake. The person you saw on confrontation day is the real her. Divorce her and spend the rest of your life making sure that she has limited influence on your daughter.
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Old 27th February 2019, 10:31 PM   #8
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I think, if you think, the best thing for you is to stay with her, then you should. I know from personal experience that you can stay with a cheater, control that cheater to your advantage and then when the time is right, for you, then dump the cheater.

You just have to get into the cold hearted mindset of a cheater. Live a double life. Lie to the cheater to get what you need from him/her. In your case that being the rasing of your child.

Just keep your eyes on the prize. Raise your child and then dump the cheater.

Unless you both earn similar wages, you do need to consider legal consequences though. Talk to a lawyer about spousal support and get an agreement from your wife to limit that damage.

Last edited by Confused48; 27th February 2019 at 10:40 PM..
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Old 28th February 2019, 8:52 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Your wife's affair partner was only taking what your wayward wife was giving him. You seem to want to put all the blame on him. Your wife is the biggest culprit. You are seeing what you want to see. Perhaps that helps you in living the life of a martyr?

I sure wouldn't. Making excuses to stay in this is going to get you what?
I do not live the "life of a martyr".
I considered all the alternatives and staying is, right now, the less damaging option, in my very humble opinion. These are not "excuses": I don't need any excuses. For what?
I put the largest portion of the blame on him, because it is obvious to me how he managed to transform a woman who never had given me any trouble into a sxxt.
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Old 28th February 2019, 8:56 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WilyWill View Post
This woman is nothing but a parasite who always finds the most advantageous situation for herself. Right now she's staying with you because that's her only option. Her apologies are fake. The person you saw on confrontation day is the real her. Divorce her and spend the rest of your life making sure that she has limited influence on your daughter.
You are possibly right as for her absence of true remorse.
The key of your message, though, is "make sure she has limited influence on our daughter": this, given the present laws is next to impossible.
I think that the situation is more or less the same in the USA too, from what I read in this excellent forum.
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Old 28th February 2019, 9:10 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Confused48 View Post
I think, if you think, the best thing for you is to stay with her, then you should. I know from personal experience that you can stay with a cheater, control that cheater to your advantage and then when the time is right, for you, then dump the cheater.

You just have to get into the cold hearted mindset of a cheater. Live a double life. Lie to the cheater to get what you need from him/her. In your case that being the rasing of your child.

Just keep your eyes on the prize. Raise your child and then dump the cheater.

Unless you both earn similar wages, you do need to consider legal consequences though. Talk to a lawyer about spousal support and get an agreement from your wife to limit that damage.
I am in a far better financial situation than her: alimonies would be unavoidable, despite her adultery.
I carefully checked the law's interpretations: cheating (especially if committed by a younger, "poor & foreign" wife) is almost considered as thin air when divorce is concerned. Legal battles cost easily $50,000, last years, are nasty and often lead to the opposite result that you want to get.
I have in front of my eyes the experience of two dear friends of mine, both successful entrepreneurs, who got cheated by their wives (one by a guru and the other by a gym trainer).
Endless legal battles, full proof of the affairs, having been excellent fathers and husbands counts next to zero. Both had to leave their homes and are forced to pass substantial support to their former wives.
I beg you all your pardon for my poor English: I cannot compare to anyone of you, I know...
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Old 28th February 2019, 10:52 AM   #12
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I wish my Italian was as bad as your English. Mi sto insegando
parlo italiano (from memory).

To the point, you need to speak with some lawyers to find out
where you are legally and what you can do.

Lawyers usually give a free consultation.
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Old 28th February 2019, 11:04 AM   #13
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I wish my Italian was as bad as your English. Mi sto insegando
parlo italiano (from memory).

To the point, you need to speak with some lawyers to find out
where you are legally and what you can do.

Lawyers usually give a free consultation.
I guess you wanted to write "Io sto imparando a parlare italiano", i.e. "I'm learning to speak Italian".
------
I already talked with a lawyer: things are as I stated. If I want to get rid of her, I must be prepared to pay endless alimonies (such as 800 $/month), forget exclusive custody unless I prove she is a bad mother (which, to be honest, I can't) and hope not to find a superleftist judge.
Another possible solution, IF accepted, might be a one shot payment to close it once and forever. Expect amounts in the $35,000-60,000 range.
Not bad for fuxxing around.
That's it.
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Old 28th February 2019, 11:10 AM   #14
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I find this story somewhat confusing, but at any rate.
Sir, this sounds like a horrible environment for your daughter, and I wouldn't trust that old perv om around her or your wife around her either. I wouldn't put it past him to hit on your daughter when she gets old enough to catch his eye.


This goes beyond just an affair...it has the potential to completely blow up. I don't know the laws where you live, but my first move would be to start collecting evidence. Be as sweet as you can to your wife, lulling her into a false sense of security, meanwhile, gather as much evidence about her, this other guy and their goings on. Speak to a lawyer and find out what your rights are. I mean no offense to you when I say this, but my main concern here is your daughter.
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Old 28th February 2019, 12:21 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by CheatedCheater View Post
Mr. Lucky, I agree with you, but for the moment I must stay where I am. Not easy at all, though.
Then, while it wouldn't be my choice, I'll respect your judgement and reasons for doing so.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CheatedCheater View Post
I put the largest portion of the blame on him, because it is obvious to me how he managed to transform a woman who never had given me any trouble into a sxxt.
Though I'll certainly disagree with this. An affair isn't a mistake or even a single bad decision, it involves multiple willingly-made choices, lies, betrayals and deceptions...

Mr. Lucky
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