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Husband cheated first year of marriage


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 27th February 2019, 2:19 PM   #16
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He doesn't want to do counseling because he says it makes him feel like a failure. I told him it's my must have if I decide to stay.
Good for you! He made this mess & if you want counseling to get passed this he should thank his lucky stars you are even willing to try. When he whines that counseling makes him feel like a failure, ask him what he thinks you feel like knowing he betrayed you. Your way is constructive. His way is not. Stick to your guns.
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Old 27th February 2019, 2:28 PM   #17
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Ugh oh.

You & your husband may not have had sex while you were dating before you were married but in light of this affair that started during your 1st year of marriage I think you made need to make inquiry about his behaviors before the wedding. I suspect that a guy who would cheat the 1st year of marriage after "waiting" until the wedding night to consummate his relationship with his new bride was so patient with you because he was getting it elsewhere.

I sincerely hope I'm wrong but I suspect you do not know your husband as well as you think you do.
That's what I immediately thought and I asked him. He say he didn't. If he did, I don't know how he did it. We were always together. He used to work 11pm to 7am and was the only person on that shift. You also need security clearance to get through. Only men worked there. He would leave me at 10:40pm. He would get to my house by 7:20/7:30 where I would cook him breakfast. He would then snooze on my parent's couch. When he woke, he would leave for half an hour (he lived nearby) just to take a shower and come back.
We spent the time reading relationship books in preparation for marriage, going on the beach to pray. When I say we were hooked on each other, it's an understatement.
I immediately told him that it didn't make sense that he HAD to have cheated during our dating days. He said he didn't. Honestly, if he did cheat during dating, I don't know when that could have possibly been. From relationship to marriage was about 8 months. We couldn't get enough of each other's company.
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Old 27th February 2019, 2:29 PM   #18
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Thanks so much. Everyone is so kind here.
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Old 27th February 2019, 2:33 PM   #19
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Hang in there. This can't be easy to process and I hope you try to take time to take care of yourself during this time.
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Old 27th February 2019, 2:43 PM   #20
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I think there is a lot going on with him. He says he never felt "good enough" for me. He says although I didn't berate him, I always asked him so many questions... Always trying to find the root or delve deeper into him. But he says he didn't know himself that deeply and it made him want to leave. He says I was "intense" - always asking him to give more of himself. He said he's not saying this is on me but that's how he felt. And even now he feels I deserve "someone better".

What do you make of it?
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Old 27th February 2019, 3:25 PM   #21
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It's a cop out but be sensitive to his insecurities. Just keep reminding him that you ask questions, not seeking fault but to better understand him.

Since you are both religious, pray for God to help you through this too.
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Old 27th February 2019, 3:34 PM   #22
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What do you make of it?
I think he's trying to find reasons - which quickly become excuses - for his actions. Often it's a simple as this - the opportunity was there, the spouse was weak and/or entitled and/or excessively needy, and the affair began.

None of what he's said speaks to his ability to avoid repeating the same destructive behavior. You've gotten good advice, MC is a must. But unless you see significant progress and self-awareness on his part, I'd be very hesitant to continue with the marriage.

Sorry this has happened to you...

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Old 27th February 2019, 4:01 PM   #23
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I am so embarrassed to let anyone in my family know about this.
Whatever you decide to do about your marriage, this is something you have to stop right now. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You didn't have an affair, your husband did. It's a reflection of his poor character and has very little (if anything) to do with who you are or what you did or didn't do. So forget any concerns you have about that or the image you think you have with others and reach out for some support from your family.
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Old 27th February 2019, 4:06 PM   #24
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Counselling will probably help but go to IC as well to clear your head.


MC is essentially about saving the marriage, so it can feel to the betrayed spouse as if the cheater is being given a free pass.
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Old 27th February 2019, 4:45 PM   #25
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He's super likeable, gentlemanly, respectful and helpful to others and my family. Women in my family who had been hurt felt like that was hope again. We had sooo many people tell us they loved us, looked up to us in our community.
<in a later post>
I cooked him sometimes 3 meals a day. Packed him lunch to take to work. I kept my size 4 (even now after baby). I exercise. I asked him about his sexual fantasies (he always said he had none). I wore lingerie. Initiated sex. I did what I thought "society" said a woman needs to do to keep her man. But this still happened.
Maybe it was just all too easy and he took it for granted. Guess that's over now...

Having NO sexual fantasies sounds a bit unusual. Think he's hesitant to share them with you. There could be many reasons for this, such as beliefs, upbringing, simple embarrassment, etc.


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It feels like I've experienced a death. I keep asking myself what I did wrong. He says he knows cheating can be a two way thing but this is the one case where it's all the cheater's, his, fault.
I don't think you did anything wrong. As you and others point out, this is all on him. The opportunity was there and he was weak. At least he had a conscience about it.

He sounds like he is a person who isn't very self-aware in some ways which might explain why he's reticent to share what's going on inside of him. Some of his gentlemanliness may be "going through the motions" of what he thinks he's supposed to do in life. It's also possible that he's the type of person who keeps their cards close to their chest, which makes all of this external good behavior (excepting the cheating of course) look a little more dubious - in other words, he ultimately feels he must keep all his options open. This would be in part because he has a hard time trusting others, for whatever reason.

Not sure you're still inclined to delve into whatever is going on in his head, but I think IC for him is a must if you plan on staying together.
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Old 27th February 2019, 4:46 PM   #26
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You abstained from having sex until after marriage. Were you a virgin or not ?

I think this hubby cheated purely for the sex, how are you in bad. Are u restrictive, are there sexual things or positions you have denied him. Do you make him feel like there are things he can't do sexually with you, the I am a holy prude wife act, I won't take it from the back...etc

This man seems like he was cheated, what he was expecting and waiting for wasn't what he got after marriage...at least seksually.
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Old 27th February 2019, 5:11 PM   #27
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From relationship to marriage was about 8 months. We couldn't get enough of each other's company.
Wow, that's a very short engagement period! How long did you two know each other before getting married?
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Old 27th February 2019, 5:32 PM   #28
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I think there is a lot going on with him. He says he never felt "good enough" for me. He says although I didn't berate him, I always asked him so many questions... Always trying to find the root or delve deeper into him. But he says he didn't know himself that deeply and it made him want to leave. He says I was "intense" - always asking him to give more of himself. He said he's not saying this is on me but that's how he felt. And even now he feels I deserve "someone better".

What do you make of it?
I've heard those things before, from my STBX. Her comment was: "..maybe I'm not that deep." I also recall her referring to me as "intense" which is a comment I don't get from other people. What makes these memorable is the oddity of where they came up in just normal 1-1 conversation.

I also heard the "sometimes I feel you deserve someone better" comment. Maya Angelou has said: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" and this is something I wish I had learned to do at a younger age..

I think you should pay close attention to any comment your husband makes that seems disconnected from your own experience of the relationship, or reality. Be especially aware of non-committal qualifiers like: "maybe" or "sometimes" that make any self assessment contingent upon your acceptance of the proposition, are ambiguous, or otherwise open ended.

Ultimately in my case these turned out to be clues to something much more sinister - a person who was in fact incredibly shallow, selfish in a very extreme way, incapable of introspection, or real empathy, but also a master imitator and someone who pride's them self on telling people whatever they want to hear to get what they want, at any cost to others.

When we were young it was subtle like your husband's responses but, none the less an effort at blame shifting. Once we were married a more overtly obstinate person began to emerge, and the certainty that existed when we were dating was replaced by an omnipresent ambivalence.

Infidelity for her was a matter of entitlement, repeating with a handful of consecutive paramours, financial abuses, and more. 10 years later I am still trying to extricate myself from this person who turned out to be a monster drifter and con artist. I swear - some of these people come across like chipmunks but, once they get you hooked they turn into wolves and hyenas.

Don't be frightened, this isn't necessarily your spouse's story. You are just fortunate enough (if that even seems possible) to have an early opportunity to make that determination. The thing that troubles me about your story is how well he performed at meeting your premarital expectations. That takes conscientious work - and then suddenly in the first year he goes completely off the charts in the opposite direction?

If he refuses or bails out of marital counseling that will be a HUGE red flag. The kind of people I'm describing cannot tolerate any kind of real self-reflection. I'm sorry you are experiencing infidelity in just the first year of marriage. I wish I wish you well in sorting this out.

Last edited by Turning point; 27th February 2019 at 5:38 PM..
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Old 27th February 2019, 5:44 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by Jamess1 View Post
You abstained from having sex until after marriage. Were you a virgin or not ?

I think this hubby cheated purely for the sex, how are you in bad. Are u restrictive, are there sexual things or positions you have denied him. Do you make him feel like there are things he can't do sexually with you, the I am a holy prude wife act, I won't take it from the back...etc

This man seems like he was cheated, what he was expecting and waiting for wasn't what he got after marriage...at least seksually.
I was not a virgin. Neither was he. And I wasn't restrictive. I asked him about sexual fantasies. Tried different positions. Had some of those kamasutura books. Did lingerie. Engaged him in "quickies" if he came home for lunch. But I always asked if there was anything he wanted to try. I have never once told him no to sex. I didn't want to be the woman who said no so her husband said yes to someone else.
This still happened. Even now he tells me he was sexually satisfied. I'm confused.
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Old 27th February 2019, 5:47 PM   #30
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Wow, that's a very short engagement period! How long did you two know each other before getting married?
We knew each other 2 years
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