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Husband cheated first year of marriage


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Old 27th February 2019, 6:12 AM   #1
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Question Husband cheated first year of marriage

Five days ago my husband admitted he had an affair. We've been married 2.5 years. The affair lasted 3 months and began 8 months after we were married. Our first year! And we had been abstinent.
I'm crushed. I can't believe I didn't know. He told me he says he felt overwhelming guilt and couldn't keep lying to me. We now have an infant so things are complicated. We are living in a city where there is no family. Our finances are too low for either of us to move. I don't know what to do. He broke down telling me. He says he's sorry. He ended the affair because of guilt.
I just don't know what to do. I am too ashamed to talk to any friend or family member because we were the "ideal couple". Any advice?
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Old 27th February 2019, 6:17 AM   #2
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Do you want to give him a 2nd chance? If the answer is no, that is your answer. You have to figure out a divorce

If you are inclined to try to right this ship, get marriage counseling. There are free & low cost options out there but I doubt that you can do it without professional intervention.

Best wishes.
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Old 27th February 2019, 6:24 AM   #3
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I agree with all of d0nnivain's advice, especially the part about marriage counseling if you two decide to stay together. The affair is the signal that there are many things wrong under the surface with him.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. What a crushing blow this must be. Do you know if he has any more contact with his affair partner?

You also say you'd been abstinent. Do you mean you didn't have sex until marriage, or?
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Old 27th February 2019, 9:51 AM   #4
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MissInfj - Two things in your husband's defense: first he ended the affair on his own, and second he told you about the affair when apparently you had no idea that the affair had occurred. Affairs happen and they are not necessarily the end of the marriage, you and your husband can get past this one. The affair not withstanding, how has your husband been in the marriage, what were your feelings towards him prior the the disclosure of the affair? If this affair is the one big road block to your continued relationship, I hope you will consider reconciliation. Good luck what ever you decide to do.
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Old 27th February 2019, 10:24 AM   #5
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I don't understand the "abstinent" comment. OP, what did you mean by that?
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Old 27th February 2019, 10:27 AM   #6
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IF, you want to stay married to this man marriage counselling and perhaps individual counselling (for him) should be non-negotiable.

The fact that he has ended the affair, admitted the affair, and is perhaps showing remorse is a good thing. But, to stay with an admitted cheater is a huge risk. Only you can decide if you want to take the risk.
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Old 27th February 2019, 10:42 AM   #7
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Ok, first breathe. You don't need to do ANYTHING right now. You are allowed to just feel. And take time to process those feelings. you may want to speak to an individual therapist if you'd like to help you process your feelings. And then you can begin to decide what you want to do in the future. Please be kind to yourself. You didn't cause this, it isn't your fault, no blame is yours and all feelings you have are valid.
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Old 27th February 2019, 11:05 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MissInfj View Post
Five days ago my husband admitted he had an affair. We've been married 2.5 years. The affair lasted 3 months and began 8 months after we were married. Our first year! And we had been abstinent.
I'm crushed. I can't believe I didn't know. He told me he says he felt overwhelming guilt and couldn't keep lying to me. We now have an infant so things are complicated. We are living in a city where there is no family. Our finances are too low for either of us to move. I don't know what to do. He broke down telling me. He says he's sorry. He ended the affair because of guilt.
I just don't know what to do. I am too ashamed to talk to any friend or family member because we were the "ideal couple". Any advice?
The fact that your H just confessed without being caught does tell you that he is disgusted with his actions and respects you enough to lay it on the line and tell you. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be angry and hurt. But it also means that he doesn't want to feel that level of guilt again and wants a clean conscience to go forward happily ever after.
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Old 27th February 2019, 11:11 AM   #9
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His affair started right in the middle of what should have been the honeymoon phase of your relationship. I am not sure where that leaves you.
He may have told you, but what was the real story?
Was his OW or someone else maybe who knew about the affair, about to spill the beans?

Too many women IMO swallow such info and carry on and spend the rest of time in an unhappy marriage, as the trust is gone and the "magic" never returns... Too many find they are facing the same thing further down the road too...

Its only 2.5 yrs, your baby is still small, maybe best to go home and surround yourself with friends and family and then move on.
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Old 27th February 2019, 1:53 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
I agree with all of d0nnivain's advice, especially the part about marriage counseling if you two decide to stay together. The affair is the signal that there are many things wrong under the surface with him.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. What a crushing blow this must be. Do you know if he has any more contact with his affair partner?

You also say you'd been abstinent. Do you mean you didn't have sex until marriage, or?
I have gone through everything and see no contact whatsoever with the OW. He said he used his work phone to communicate. That phone was always at work. He no longer works there and in fact, we no longer even live in the same country where this happened. We moved for him to go to school so I'm away from family.

We didn't have sex with each other during dating.
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Old 27th February 2019, 2:00 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
His affair started right in the middle of what should have been the honeymoon phase of your relationship. I am not sure where that leaves you.
He may have told you, but what was the real story?
Was his OW or someone else maybe who knew about the affair, about to spill the beans?

Too many women IMO swallow such info and carry on and spend the rest of time in an unhappy marriage, as the trust is gone and the "magic" never returns... Too many find they are facing the same thing further down the road too...

Its only 2.5 yrs, your baby is still small, maybe best to go home and surround yourself with friends and family and then move on.
I don't think it was a case of OW about to spill the beans. He says the OW was a doctor 9 years older than him. She was upset that he was married and hasn't contacted him. This happened more than a year ago.

I am so embarrassed to let anyone in my family know about this. He's super likeable, gentlemanly, respectful and helpful to others and my family. Women in my family who had been hurt felt like that was hope again. We had sooo many people tell us they loved us, looked up to us in our community. The thought of going back and telling them this is.... Augh! I can't even fathom it.
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Old 27th February 2019, 2:07 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Wallysbears View Post
Ok, first breathe. You don't need to do ANYTHING right now. You are allowed to just feel. And take time to process those feelings. you may want to speak to an individual therapist if you'd like to help you process your feelings. And then you can begin to decide what you want to do in the future. Please be kind to yourself. You didn't cause this, it isn't your fault, no blame is yours and all feelings you have are valid.
Thank you so much! It feels like I've experienced a death. I keep asking myself what I did wrong. He says he knows cheating can be a two way thing but this is the one case where it's all the cheater's, his, fault.

I cooked him sometimes 3 meals a day. Packed him lunch to take to work. I kept my size 4 (even now after baby). I exercise. I asked him about his sexual fantasies (he always said he had none). I wore lingerie. Initiated sex. I did what I thought "society" said a woman needs to do to vkeep her man. But this still happened.
He will tell you that I never once yelled at him or called him a name. Our relationship has always been respectful of each other. But THIS happened.
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Old 27th February 2019, 2:13 PM   #13
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[QUOTE=d0nnivain;7746677]Do you want to give him a 2nd chance? If the answer is no, that is your answer. You have to figure out a divorce

If you are inclined to try to right this ship, get marriage counseling. There are free & low cost options out there but I doubt that you can do it without professional intervention.


I don't know. Fool me once, right? But then I took vows that I meant - which means sticking it out even in bas times. But this hurts so much. I feel neurotic. Up and down. I don't want to be a dummy. I don't want to just give up. Feels like I'm going crazy.

He doesn't want to do counseling because he says it makes him feel like a failure. I told him it's my must have if I decide to stay.
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Old 27th February 2019, 2:14 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by MissInfj View Post
We didn't have sex with each other during dating.
Ugh oh.

You & your husband may not have had sex while you were dating before you were married but in light of this affair that started during your 1st year of marriage I think you made need to make inquiry about his behaviors before the wedding. I suspect that a guy who would cheat the 1st year of marriage after "waiting" until the wedding night to consummate his relationship with his new bride was so patient with you because he was getting it elsewhere.

I sincerely hope I'm wrong but I suspect you do not know your husband as well as you think you do.
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Old 27th February 2019, 2:16 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by CantGetEnuff View Post
I don't understand the "abstinent" comment. OP, what did you mean by that?
I meant we didn't have sex while dating. We were inseparable. Interestingly, I don't think he cheated while we were abstaining. But to wait until months into the marriage is such a blow to my heart and ego!
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