Is my husband having an affair with someone I know?

[reino33]

Hi everyone. I need help. This is my 2nd marriage. First one was 12 years and I have 2 boys - 11 and 13 - from that one. We have a little girl that just turned 3. WE are struggling. I don't trust him. Various reasons. I believe he has a sexual addiction though can't prove a literally physical one; here are some facts: He constantly looks at other women. He had a porn addiction that he's trying to control but I just found out yesterday he'd been browsing "model" websites w/ profiles of women from other countries. He is openly flirtatious with his best friend's wife when he's drinking or is high (she joins the boys to play poker every other thursday night - just had a boob job and calls them her "twins" - never has had kids); he went up to her at a wedding and from behind her blew on her shoulder and looked down her dress as he whispered something in her ear...he slipped last night and said something about a "naked bonnie" - we were laughing about my daughter's naked barbie doll....business trips every year where I can't reach him either on his cell late at night or in his room - there's always some excuse "My room number got switched....etc. etc. I firmly believe he picks up other women for a one-night stand but can't prove it. Just a gut feeling. When our daughter was about 6 mos old I found the numbers for 2 hookers in his wallet and he swore it was "just the idea that he COULD do it". He cried and said he "has a problem" and wants help to save our marriage; we went to counseling for a few months and he stopped. He constantly lears at 18 year olds (he's almost 50 and I just turned 40). He stays up late at night so he can masturbate to women on t.v. instead of making any real effort w/ me. He has unexplained "trips" to the office though we live in the community (stepford) where he works. He treats me as a nonperson at times stating "our ROLES" are clearly defined; you are the stay at home mom and I make the money (I was a xerox sales exec. w/ my own major accts territory when we met; single mom and loving life). I told him there are no "definitions". We both do a lot. He wants Donna Reid and I'm more Gloria Steinam (haha). We are building a beautiful home now and are poised to have an incredible partnership and he's going through his mid-life crisis and I suspect banging or at least dallying with his best friends wife. I told him yesterday that we have an appt. with a counselor next week because I know he's falling back into his same patterns and I'm not willing to live this way. I am studying for my real estate license and have ALWAYS been able to make money for myself so that's a non-issue. It just this: I am 40. I have 3 kids. I don't want to leave the house I have created (I made all design/purchase decisions while he worked to provide the capital - fair deal). I am not afraid to be alone but feel our kids (especially daughter) needs her dad. He has huge mood swings. He's possibly manic. I've suggested he see someone about the stress and mood swings and he always insists "its you not me". I've been called a nagging "b", psycho, controlling, "ball-buster" and I've told him he is an emotional abuser and needs to change. I need some support. Please throw me a lifeline. I am a fighter but feel so depressed at the prospect of dealing with him and this failing marriage. I believe in miracles but want to know definitively if he's screwed around; after finding the prostitutes' number he agreed to a physical and all STD testing including aids (I demanded it) and he got a "clean bill". Thoughts? Help me.......

[JadeStar]

Don't be a doormat for him. Hes doing right many things sounds like. You either put your foot down about things, go to counseling together, or you get out of the situation. Thats fine he has gone to counseling or still going but who is he going for? If hes going for you, its not going to work. He has to wanna go for himself, he has to truly want to go, and want to change. My husband went to counseling before too, for 5 weeks, he went for me to shut me up about wanting him to go. He didn't go for himself and until he does things will always be the same. It will probabvly be the same for you too. Its all in what you want.

 

 

Jade

[Iluvsiamese]

Some of this sounds very familiar to me. The part about it not ever being him, but always you and that you are a nagging b***h etc. Yes, this is the mark of an abuser. Been there, done that. And you are right about the suspicious behaviour. This guy is bad news.

 

In my former life (14 years of miserable marriage) my ex never cheated on me. That would have been too much effort for him, lol! However, he made it clear that I never, ever measured up or was good enough, no matter what I did or what the subject matter. He would argue anything and everything, even when he knew nothing about the subject. Even the kids picked up that I was dead last on the list when they were both very young. TV came first. Two years before the divorce, my oldest (who was 10 at the time) informed me that I should get rid of him. I was pretty startled at how perceptive she was, but then maybe I was blind. My son is still trying to make it work with his father, but both admit that they pretty much just use him. How did I end up married to him? He was a great salesman when it came to selling himself. He also rushed me into it. I was silly enough to be flattered at the time but it wasn't long after the wedding that I began to realize that he did not love me. I don't believe that he is capable of loving anyone else but himself. Interestingly enough, his mother concurs with that opinion.

 

He never physically abused me, but there were times when I felt that the kids were at risk and I knew it was only a matter of time.

 

You sound like a stronger person than I was at the time. You are financially independant and I have to say, I envy you that. When I left him, I was not working as he had demanded I leave my job of 15 years. I am slowly trying to get back on my feet and am looking at retraining so that I can be financially independant and get rid of the debt load that he insisted I should have to share. He, on the other hand, declared bankruptcy to get out of it. This after he went through all my savings, my salary, my inheritance from my parents (about $80,000) and stole from my mother (an alzheimer's patient) when she lived with us for a little over a year.

 

You may not have hit the wall yet, but you will. I remember when I did. I just woke up one morning and knew that something had changed and I was now ready to move on. I just didn't care enough to bother trying anymore and I somehow knew I could do better on my own. What a relief! And it will be for you too. He is making your life miserable and it will not likely get better without outside help. My ex was resistant to this, until the last minute when it was already over.

 

The moment that you realize how much more peaceful your life will be without the fear, the mood swings, and the emotional abuse, you will be on your way. Be strong and don't let him beat you down--you are way, way better than that.

 

I hope you find your way and I hope that this helped, even though it's a bit garbled.

 

You go girl! and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[reino33]

ILUv....OMG....you are ME. He is a reas estate sales exec (successful one which inflates his already massive ego) and sold me on Him when we met. As I mentioned I was a separated, single working mom with my own car (in my name) my own home and friends. He pursued me to the point of it being flattering (my ego here unfortunately) because initially I kept telling him "I'm not dating"...... but finally I agreed to lunch. At lunch he said "Come into my world"....LIttle did I know he meant Marital HELL

 

The moment the ring went on my finger he changed. It was as if he saw me as a challenge but once the ring was on he looked outside our marriage for another challenge and RESENTS ME because he sees me as “messing up” his strange game of “get the girl”. He is verrrryyy charming. ALL the women LOVE him. He has told me “I can charm the pants off of any woman,” and he seems to want to try. I’ve told him I think he has a love/hate (I.e. passive/aggressive) relationship with women. I know he’s been hurt deeply at least 2x (his mom told me). Hey --- haven’t we ALL? Grow up.

 

Yes the money. I mentioned I am working toward my real estate license but I am NOT financially independent at this time. It has been a very difficult adjustment for me going from an independent single mom to a stay-at-home mom of 3 building a home (moving 3 times in 5 years) and trying to be the anchor for my kids…

 

Interesting comment about your kids’ observations. My 13 yr. Old son and I spent some time alone together and we were talking about understanding how to really treat a young lady and in general, how to treat people with respect. He remarked “He doesn’t treat you with respect. He treats you like you’re a “nothing”. I told him we were going to try counseling and that I would never want him to see him as a role model. He said “I don’t”. My sons are amazing young men. I hope they don’t absorb his bizarre mood swing/love-hate/emotional abuser characteristics.

 

His mom too loves me. She has said she “worries if I can handle it”. She has never defined “IT” but it seems unspoken w/ all extended family members (both his and mine) that I am somehow “weathering something”. To the point where during our 3 year old’s birthday party last week he was so “morose” and brooding that everyone was trying to avoid him. He dotes on our daughter while the rest of us he seems to merely “tolerate” so it was surprising he couldn’t rally for even her. (Oh yeah…poker with Bonnie and her boobs and the boys was the night before so he was tired I guess).

 

It is hard for me to hide my increasing anger and resentment of him. The kids see it. I try to explain it but it is still not healthy for them and that is the most difficult part for me; the kids. Example: This morning I asked him to put his drycleaning in my truck so I could take it in. He grew extremely angry. I said I could not believe he would be that angry about something so simple; but you see - it was not HIS IDEA or plan. I suggested that things were going to change; I was no longer “doing it all” and it would be an adjustment for everyone. He said “I’ll bring some of that your way too.” I said there wasn’t more he could ask me to do because I do it all now! So he left in a rage. Ho-hum…another start to a normal day. I’m sickened by him and by the situation. Please stay with me and respond. I can’t believe how similar our stories are. Thank you for my lifeline. L

[Iluvsiamese]

I hear you and I feel your pain. I wasn't financially independant when I left and that was hard. It would have been one thing if it had been just me, but with two kids, it was nerve wracking. I never thought that it would be me who would be doing that. I still have no idea where I got the courage. But whatever hit me, it made me a little defiant and it worked. I could use a little of that courage right now as I am fighting for retraining.

 

I, too, have had that role model conversation with my kids. I have told them that the best scenario to judge a person's character is in a friendship situation within a group. You then see how they interact and how they treat others without risk and before they are on their best behaviour to impress you. I have also told them about my 3 year rule. The first year is always peachy--everybody's being good. The second year things begin to slide, but most of the time, you can tolerate it. If you get through the third year, your chances are much better of being able to make a go of it. Needless to say, I have also told them that I broke my own rule when it came to their father and that I have paid dearly for it.

 

My ex is also charming. Everyone believes him to be just the nicest guy. There have been a few people who got to know him well enough over the course of our marriage to begin to see the real person. These people were in our small groups at church. The moment that he realized that they were on to him (usually when they questioned his behaviour) he no longer wanted anything to to with them. He would state that he thought that they were nice people but that he had been mistaken. When we split up, we agreed not to discuss our situation with outsiders. Ha! I followed thru with our agreement, but he went to church and told everyone he met that I was having an affair and milked the sympathy cow for all it was worth. That was because I had begun seeing someone after we separated and had filed for divorce. This was also after he encouraged me to get out more, offered to babysit, and even sent me out the door with condoms on one occasion. When I challenged him on the business of discussing our separation and making his opinion on my relationship public, he told me that he thought that the whole business of separation and divorce was due to a hormonal imbalance and that I would get over it and then he could get back to normal! And that he had lied when he agreed to separate etc. I should have known! He thinks that he is an expert in all things female--including childbirth, which I find hilarious.

 

Keep your head up, your time is coming, I can feel it. You are nearly there when you can express disgust at him and his behaviour. Keep working on your financial independance--this is your transportation to freedom. It took me a long time to give up on my dream and admit that this would never work. That's the hardest part--accepting that it will never matter what you do or say or how you act. The problem is not in you. Since I left, I have never looked back. I can honestly say that it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Take heart!

[reino33]

Thank you for your kind words. Yes I did (and do) get the "you need to see someone because I really feel you have a physical "problem" (i.e. pre-menopause - I just turned 40) and you have hormonal problems that make you act the way you do." All of our issues as he states are primarily "mine". He said I am 99% of the problem; as an adult who is basically rational and non-judgmental I found that too insane to even respond to. I really feel many of our problems stem from his sexual addiction and his realization that "marriage and raising children" are not all that he dreamed they would be. Add to this that MOST of his "pre-marriage" friends are now childless (they are older) and are living that so-called empty nest second childhood; ski trips, beach trips, executive jets to the bahamas, jaguars from the boss for a good year. Because of our "stage" in life and marriage we are nowhere NEAR being able to do the same things (nor would I want to with that crowd - I can't tolerate a group of men who see and treat women as total object). I have a mind, thank you, along with my set of breasts. I candidly asked a mutual male friend of ours today if he would let me know if he knew Rick was having an affair; he said he too has noticed drastic mood changes in even the last few weeks but said he may invoke the "guy silence rule" because of his feelings of loyalty although he cares for me as a friend as well; during the course of our conversation however he said he would let me know if he could but feels it may be more due to finances (we are building a home and we are about 2 months away from completion). The kids as I said are the hardest part of the equation to balance. They have picked their rooms at the house; they have endured hell for a year while we were building; we are all looking forward to trying to find some normalcy.

 

A friend (I only talk about this with one out-of-town long-time soul-mate GF) feels it may be more due to his turning 50 soon; feelings of lost sexuality and maybe some misguided attempt to establish his desirability again outside of our marriage; the classic male middle-age syndrome. He even talks about a mercedes convertable; not exactly a work vehicle (lol) (He has to tour people here in our community in an SUV). Today in fact I dropped by the office and he looked crestfallen; he said his secretary had told him his new haircut makes him look VERY grey (it does) and he was totally upset about it. I said "Does that bother you?". He said yes. I told him he's an attractive man to me and thats all that SHOULD matter; he laughed. He said "I AM old and I FEEL grey." So I really believe if we go into counseling he will get useful information on how to raise his self esteem regardless of "LOOKS". He does in fact care a GREAT DEAL about "how things appear" to others and I'm one of those "I seriously do not CARE" people which drives him crazy. To me its not all about "how things look" but the reality of "how things FEEL and are". He accuses me of trying to be intellectually superior if I use a 4-syllable word (lol) and I just tell him I'm not dumbing myself down for him or anyone; I'm German/Irish in descent so when backed into a corner emotionally I dont shrink; for better or worse I usually come out swinging right back and this is not working for us (verbally I mean). I've learned to simply keep my mouth shut at times and let him rant and rave and accuse and get verbally ugly and that tactic doesnt work FOR ME. We both agree we have to learn how to be much better at communicating.l

 

I loved your 3 year rule and I agree to a point. But everyone who has been married a long time tells me that it is a cycle of 3-years (lol) and you have to make the CHOICE to stay. Choosing is the most difficult part for me because I feel like everytime he cycles into these abusive periods my soul dies a little bit more and I can actually SEE IT in my face. I look SO differerent than I did when I see pix of us dating. Its amazing. Older. More tired. Kind of exhausted from the inside out. We have been through more in our 5 years together than most people in a lifetime; this is something we agree on. We have sold his family home-place (very emotional for him and he still hates that he had to do it to get us into this community); lost a twin (the surviving baby is our miracle 3-year old); huge horrible ugly fights that left us both exhausted and unhappy; blended a family (he became an instant dad of 2 after 10 years of bachelorhood); a job change for both of us; and now building this house. I look at what we have had to endure and feel that if we can establish some normalcy after the move and STAY IN counseling we may have a chance; If a dog can be taught a new trick so can a human...

 

I was sorry to read your post about the final betrayal of your husband. He lost CONTROL of you so he was trying to control you remotely in the only way he knew; LIE. Fabricate something so outrageous that those who knew you both would perhaps pause. Interesting about the tiger showing his stripes through your close friendships; the same thing is happening to us. We are both social people so it is interesting to see how can turn on the charm and then be a totally angry person the very next morning. Huge mood swings. I am not the easiest person to live with either; I don't want to paint a picture of this evil ogre and myself as angelic and perfect. I just tend to take things more in stride and not lash out and react so strongly to challenges either in life or in our marriage. I have always been optimistic and CHOOSE to see the potential for change in people; its just so hard to keep making that choice when someone is reminding you how "miserable" you are. I have to defend myself and tell him the only thing that makes me miserable is hearing him tell me OVER AND OVER how miserable I am when I'm NOT (lol). It starts to play with your mind. A low-grade continual depression sets in, even though it is punctuated by moments of happiness. Amazingly people tell us..."you 2 are so great together."

 

We are all on our best behavior when dating. It is an unreal place actually. When we get married of course MANY things change but the fundamentals of mutual respect, honesty and TRUST absolutely have to stay in place. These important characteristics are what we've totally lost with one another. It is a sad situation. I appreciate your thoughts. Lets stay in touch. Thank you so much. L

[Iluvsiamese]

I am heading out for the weekend early in the am--just to let you know. So I will be keeping this one brief.

 

The 3 year rule was to be applied prior to marriage. And it lets you know whether or not you will be able to tolerate these cycles. If you can't make it through the first one, then there is no hope, lol!

 

Wrt the ex scandalizing the entire church, well, some of my friends who saw through the whole thing said I should set the record straight. I considered it, but you know, people want to believe the most sensational story. And I know that most of them would not be able to see the real him and understand why I left. Nah, not worth the energy. The funny part was that he kind of cooked his own goose on that front. One week he was weeping in agony and getting all kinds of sympathy and the next he made the mistake of making a miraculous recovery and bragged about his girlfriend, who really wasn't all that new. Oops. Alot of people got the real picture.

 

You are where I was some time ago. I was still convinced that something could be done, that I just needed to try harder or give more and I prayed and begged and pleaded and wept and then finally, I understood. You may be lucky. I certainly understand your reasoning. We spent about 5 years either selling houses or building them. And there was the ongoing financial issues. It really gets to you after awhile. But that wasn't what cooked it for me. It was his complete lack of care and concern for his wife and family. It was not visible to most people, but he is one of the most selfish individuals I have ever encountered. He admitted that he never loved me--not ever. He just wanted to be married and have kids. Why I do not know as he showed not the least interest or love towards us--in fact, we were often considered more of an inconvenience for him.

 

Beats all doesn't it?

 

Take care of yourself and I will be back on Tuesday!

[reino33]

Hi. I am so sorry to hear him say he never loved you - do you believe it or do you feel he said it to try one more time to hurt more? My hus. has done that in the past. He has said things like "You have no friends. You are hopeless and depressed." It used to remind me of one of those old "B" rate movies where some crazy hypnotist is trying to drive some unsuspecting housewife crazy. LOL. All grainy, scratcy, black & white...He used to (and sometimes still does) target whatever I'm feeling vulnerable about at that moment; its insane. I do in fact have several very good friends; I'm not the kind who needs to surround myself w/ loving admirers but he is and so he judges the AMOUNT of friends I have and the time we spend together as friendship instead of looking at how deep they are. I in fact am starting to make a few friends here in our community but to be honest I have taken my time doing that; there are a lot of shallow SALS here. Just this week I have arranged to go to dinner with 6-8 other women on our street and who I've met during the course of building our house that I have come to know and like. We are renting a car and going tomorrow night so no-one has to drive (ages brings responsility even if you have to pay for it- LoL). Of course last night he came to bed w/ me and made some comments about "all the young studs" out at the bars and "6 hot women" etc. etc. (We are all pretty much 20 pounds over weight and most of us are on anti-depressants are on anti-depressants and we simply want to talk non-stop but....whatever...). I told him I had all I wanted "at home". I do ont consider myself a "willing" victim but I still keep trying. Could I ask if you ex ever made it to counseling? He has agreed to go and we make have our first appt. next Wed.

 

Yes he is definitely selfish and at the same time he is the most generous (financially) man I've ever known. No holds barred. In fact I am the one who saves and denies and remembers counting change for bread out of a coffee can not so long ago. He has worked (we have worked) extremely hard to get where we are. He wants to enjoy the success which I understand. Its as if I am one of those depression era wives who keeps cutting the old towels down to use forever for different things. He always tells me "go out and shop, manicure, etc." and he does mean it. It actually pleases him for me to do things like. I believe in my heart he would love sort of a trophy wife and I'm NOT the type. I'm more of the "get dirty in the garden w/ the kids" kind of woman. No doubt I love to look nice too - but the topical stuff is less important than how I'm being treated in my marriage which makes you feel beautiful FROM the INSIDE. One night of "you look great" does not make up for months of "you're a (fill in blank)". If someone asked me to describe my marriage I would say "A kite in a hurricane" (LoL). Rollercoaster ride. The ups are amazing. The downs make you want to vomit. He always says I have a set of standards no man can meet. I don't agree of course. Fight fair - how about that one. Over and over I say "Do NOT call me names". He said "I fight dirty, you know that." In essence he treats me like A GUY!!!! I have told him "Im not a man. Stop treating me like one." I see glimmers of him trying. I remember the man he used to (pretend) to be. Your "inconvenience" statement rang a bell. He works 60 hours a week and his time at home seems strained for everyone involved. My kids are convinced he prefers to be away from us. I ask myself is that because I've slipped w/ my comments to influence them to say that or because they see it themselves? Honesty you get to the point where you do start believing you just BE a crazy "B". I have finally confided in my mom and last month we took a long day-drive together and I did not tell her everything but just somethings and how much I'm struggling. She is giving me a type of support she never has before. This helps a lot. Also scares me (LoL). She is worried. IF MY mom is worried I probably should be too (LoL) She's not the "fussy" mom type. I screen what I tell her (in case we stay and work things out) but everyone is finally starting to "see" the real him at times and as I mentioned before they ALL seem concerned for me. His mom is such an amazingly loving person you question how he ended up this way. his Stepfather s was a totally abusive jack-a from what I hear from relatives. Especially to him. This is probably where it all "started". Still my dad was horribly abusive too but I made the conscious CHOICE in my adulthood NOT to be like him. It is about making choices. I'm a fairly strong person not some insipid woman who feels a man completes her; it is not that I HAVE to have a man to make me whole. I am just making the choice now to try counseling and save our marriage and stay vested in my sweat equity and hopefully enjoy it when the kids go to college (LoL). A big part of my struggle is my lack of independence (working) and I miss working and having my own income. This has honestly been a struggle for us also. I love being a mother and have had the privilege of being home w/ the kids (all 3) until they went to school and beyond. Until I got separated from my 1st hus. I could make the choice to work or not. I know if there are any single struggling moms out there reading this they will think I'm the selfish one. I do have it "good" on many levels. I just want a warmer, respectful, considerate partner. That to me, does not seem like such an unrealistic standard....Hope you enjoy your trip! I know I'l l enjoy my "evening out" (rare!) with the "Sanity Check" group. I coined the name and we try and get together every quarter for our sanity check (smile). They are all very nice women. I hope during your ordeal you had support system. In revealing to my mom and one or 2 other close friends I have found the kind ear I need right now. And YOU...have been amazingly kind to share your story with me. Thank you - and KIT!

[Iluvsiamese]

I love the name of your group. I thought that your H's response was pretty familiar as well. My ex was always supportive of me being social with other women---until it was almost time to go. Then he would begin to whine and complain and go on and on until, many times, he wore me out and I ended up staying home. Then he was happy and would proceed to watch tv and ignore me.

 

Yes, I truly believe that he never did love me. I seriously doubt that he can actually love someone. Everything he does is for his benefit--all friendships, all relationships, all aquaintances have to be to his advantage in some way. If ever anyone questions his behaviour or refuses to do something that he wants them to do, then they are anathema to him. About a year before I left him, he went and bought two cars at an auction--with no money to pay for them. Immediately, he began canvassing friends and relatives for a loan. (He was/is a financial disaster and couldn't get any more credit from anyone.) He figured that his niece was his best option but she had him pegged and before he could even finish his lead up, she made it clear that the answer was no. He hasn't been back since. It is like that with everyone and everything. It is only a matter of time until someone in the church in a position of authority calls him on something and then that will be the end of church. He never accepts responsibilty for things and never ever sees it from the other person's perspective. He will argue any subject, and will continue to argue even when he is proven wrong. Can't accept it. He has very much the same attitude of your H. A host of casual friends are better in his opinion than a few very good ones. I have wondered if this was subconsciously done so that he never got close enough to anyone for them to figure him out. He always did his best to isolate me and then would tell me that I didn't have any friends because I was unfriendly and had problems.

 

As for being generous, he certainly was that. It was often my careful ways that allowed him to play the role of benefactor so that he could boost his ego.

He certainly has plenty of earning potential, however, he refuses to start at the bottom of anything. He wants to be in charge and be the boss so he always insisted that he have his own business. Being able to do the work and being able to run a business are not one and the same and running a business was beyond him. He has no attention to paperwork or the details of running a business and so that part was a disaster. He demanded that I do his books for him, but refused to cooperate with me in any way. I finally told him to get someone else. Even that proved disastrous.

 

I liked your "B" grade picture--good one. Yes, I felt like that many times. Considering how isolated I was, I didn't talk to many people. But he would insist that I hadn't had conversations with him that I knew I had. That was only a small portion of the ways that he tried (whether on purpose or not, I am not totally sure, but if it was accidental, well he did an amazing job!) to drive me to the brink. I have an odd memory and I could repeat whole conversations to him verbatim, and he would insist that I had been talking to someone else. Even when the subject matter would be something that would be pointless to discuss with someone else. I often wondered if he had a split personality.

 

He also had issues with his parents. His mother has her oddities (an understatement!) and his father (or at least, the person who was assumed to be his father) was an alcoholic. When his parents split, she could not support all of the kids and he refused to pay her support and insisted that he keep them. My ex was the youngest by 8-10 years or so. The kids went through alot, no question. Their father was always at the tavern and so it was up to them to try to get money from him to pay bills and get food. The older ones were in their teens and so it always fell to them to look after my ex and manage one way or another. Not a pleasant life, but they were never physically abused and other family members often supported them. I realize that scars from such a life can run deep, but at some point, you need to make the decision to be responsible for yourself and your actions. This is something that you did. My ex brought himself a long way, but then decided that he didn't need to make any more effort or take any more responsibility. There were alot of areas where he could have helped himself and I encouraged him to do so. But he never would. Not upgrading his education, taking advantage of free courses and tutoring, and not getting any counselling. When I made it clear that I was finished with him and took him up on his statement that if I didn't like it, I could leave, he then wanted to see a counsellor. However, I firmly believe that this was only so that he could get the counsellor to tell him that he was right and tell me that I was wrong and he could make me go back to "normal" via hormone therapy etc. He thought that he could give her a sales pitch and do some fast talking. However, she didn't buy it and told me to go with my gut feelings. As usual, he decided that she was a lousy counsellor, had sided with me because she was female and so on.

 

Wrt to the kids feeling that he doesn't want to be with you, they are probably right. We all felt that way and the kids didn't understand why at first and would ask me. Not fun to try to answer that one. He spent well over 12 hours a day away from home, sometimes up to 19 hours. And this was every day except Sunday. On Sundays, we went to church (he always created a battle with the kids in the process) and then he spent the rest of the day in front of the tv, either watching or sleeping. Yes, he spent much of his time away from home working, but he also very often socialized on his own as well. You could depend on him to be anywhere from an hour to 5 or 6 hours late, no matter when he said he would be home. At that point, I would give up and call his cell phone, knowing full well that I would probably regret it. And I always did. He would be out playing cards, watching movies or visiting. It was pretty clear where we ranked in his world.

 

Don't feel that you are being selfish. This was one of the things that I struggled with alot at first. I didn't want to be a single parent! I wanted to be there for my kids and have a good home. But eventually, I saw that I WAS for all intents a single parent and that even by myself, I could give my kids more than they were getting. And then there was the aspect that I was afraid of him abusing the kids. He came close on a few occasions but I think that he knew that I meant business when I told him to put the belt away. If he had not listened, I would have picked up the phone and dialled 911 in a heartbeat, no matter what the consequences for me.

 

I don't mind a bit sharing my story with you. In some ways, it is helpful for me to be able to talk through it, remember it and set it aside. It helps me to move on. If I can help anyone else who was in the same sort of position that I was in, then I will do all I can. To me, this is the sort of thing that goes on with no one on the outside knowing what kind of suffering that you endure. Everything looks good. Inside is another story. Money is a wonderful thing and I sure could use some of it right now, but it can be used as a weapon and it can't buy you sanity, love, happiness or peace.

 

Let me know how you are doing.

[reino33]

Hello- Hope you had a great weekend. We had wild/funny time Fri. night. I felt like a cat wrangler (LoL) with most of the women letting loose, getting obliterated and laughing until our sides hurt. Interesting (and rare) to be on the sober end of the spectrum when given the chance to do something that relaxes me and takes me "away" from the hurt for a little while. What amazes me is that he just doesn't "get" how fortunate he is in that like a lot of women dismissed by their spouse I could have been out there locking lips with some stranger too. I don't judge; I know where they are mentally; its just not the path I could take.

 

Hmm....I remember during your post at some point you said "good luck" getting him to counseling. Last night your prediction came true. He has promised for a week NOTHING will stand in the way of his getting to it. He defiantly said that he “had” to show a house at 11:00. His clients (his gods) could ONLY do an 11:00 and so he had to take the appointment. He said it was my fault that he had to miss our counseling appt. because I suggested he take the kids to the pool for a few hours and unwind. Otherwise had I been home (I was picking plumbing fixtures, tile) he could have made the appointment for yesterday. Then he further said he moved his 3:00 showing up to 1:00 so he could show them back-to-back and not be inconvenienced going back and forth. At first I laughed. Then I cried. All this with the 3 kids in the way to pizza in the car. Poor kids. At first I was angry and told him I can see where our marriage is in the hierarchy of his life. He said “IF you had a job you might understand.” I said I have 2 jobs; raising our kids and being a builder. He said “I mean if you were the only source of income.” I think I know what he means, all the way around. We came home; I hugged the kids and said I needed to take a drive; went to a GF's house with a bottle of wine and 2 paper cups and proceeded to get obliterated and cry on her front steps. the cry felt great. This morning did not feel great (L0L)

 

I want to leave but what keeps me “in it” is not knowing how he will be with our little girl as she gets older and what insane situations she could possibly be exposed to. He has a certified sexual addiction and does things like; download photos from the internet of 18 year old girls on his WORK COMPUTER (I had to explain to him he was on an intranet and anyone in his corporation could see what he was doing at ANY TIME and told him to go delete them. He did and treated me like a total bitch afterwards. I probably saved his job). He carried a porn photo in his wallet until I found it like you would carry a photo of your wife or child (none of us in there); he has at least considered hookers once in our marriage because I found a paper with 2 names and websites, numbers etc (our baby was 4 mos old). He constantly checks out other women. More so than normal. Everything involving sex and women he does “more so” than normal. Then he calls me a controlling bitch; ball buster; you name it I’ve been called it. He even used the “C” word once though not in reference to me; to another woman who had made him angry. After the hooker find we went to counseling. He admitted he “had a problem” and wanted to save our marriage. He went 2x. He didn’t like “her”. This time I thought I was being smarter. Found a MALE counselor. He would try and manipulate a woman. He always does. The women love him. And he certainly loves the women. You can be so strong and then you start to slowly chip away from a soul-level inside. This is where I am.

 

I went to the appt. anyway. I told him everything; laid it all on the table. Amazingly he has had experience in counseling sexual offenders. He listened with interest. He asked if I ever felt “afraid” and I had to say yes. I think he is too selfish to actually physically hurt me but I can tell at times he wants to. It’s a gut instinct. My “gut” is rarely wrong. Which brings me to my 2nd answer to the therapist. He asked if I had reason to believe there has been sex outside the marriage; without hesitation I was able to say “absolutely”. I have no concrete proof but somehow I know. Sounds conflicting but as a woman you understand. Last night he spit out words to me. That’s how he talks to me when he is angry (which is a lot). He asked “How do you think your buying all the s*** for the house? Magic wand your waving around? The $$ comes from ME”. I’ll never be able to thank him enough I assure you. No level of gratitude will be sufficient. His ego is an empty unfillable vessel that will never be satiated. This is where I think the sexual addiction comes into play. Images can’t talk back and don’t have a mind; a whore is paid to shut up and put out; lots of women out there are willing to sleep with a married man who acts interested and throws loads of money around to impress. I’m a lot of work for him and he’s starting to openly resent me more. I don’t fit his master-plan of "conquer and CONTROL".

 

Re: your comments about his work habits (your ex) Mine works 65+ hours a week and loves it. We actually prefer him to be away nowbecause he is so clearly unhappy when home with "family life" (he has said before to me "this whole family things is getting old"). The kids don’t even ask if he will be home for dinner anymore. Reminds me of when I was growing up; we all dreaded the moment my father got home from work. Things were so peaceful without him there but the strain affected my mother and I would not call it a “carefree happy” home growing up. Now I find myself repeating my family patterns. I’m getting too old to try this hard! L0L.

 

The only (ONLY) reason we are making it into this house is because I handle all the finances. Another reason he hates me of course. I rub nickels together to make quarters and now he is starting to want to buy a $60K vehicle as we are planning a move into the new house and he throws tirades about me discussing the need for furniture). His mom and I discussed things a little today; I have to be careful. She said she thinks he’s lost his mind. She sees behavior changes lately that worry her. He exhibit’s the classic signs of a man going through a mid-life crisis. Loves the attention of young women, obsesses about his looks and clothes, now wants to buy an expensive car, finds me reprehensibleand his kids tiresome and irritating. Also all signs of a man having an affair of course. I want to KNOW. It would be easier to KNOW. I just don’t have the energy right now to find out.

 

Thanks again for your time. I appreciate your candor and your comments. If you have a chance, RSVP! Thanks…

[Iluvsiamese]

So much of this is deja vu for me.

 

Wrt it being easier when he is not at home, we all felt the same way. As soon as my ex walked in the door, the atmosphere became tense and very often, he would pick fights with the kids and the entire evening (what was left of it) disolved into disaster. No matter what it was he "helped" with, it ended up in chaos.

 

At this point, he has no desire to go to counselling and will continue to come up with excuses (which of course, will be all your fault.) He sees no need to go as he still feels (and is) very much in control of the situation. It will only be when he has lost that control that he will even truly consider counselling. My concern is for your safety and the safety of your children once that time comes. Keep going to the counsellour yourself. This person can help and give you solid advice on how to deal with this. I understand your concern for your daughter, but do you think that staying in this will protect her? Kids are far from oblivious to what goes on. I used to warn my ex wrt his speech and behaviour and he always laughed at me. However, they are like little recorders and somehow see and hear things even when they are playing in another room. I went through all kinds of guilt when I had come to the end of the line and had to face reality. A good friend reminded me that children learn how marriages and relationships are carried on through their parents and did I want either of mine to think that this was acceptable? The answer was a resounding NO! I never wanted my son to treat anyone the way his father did nor did I want my daughter to think that such behaviour was proper.

 

I can relate on the monetary contributions--I poured my entire salary, all of my savings, and my inheritance ($80,000+) into my farce of a marriage and came out with nothing but debt. When I reminded him of this, he laughed at me and said "That's how it goes!" On top of that, my sister and I are fairly certain that he stole money from my mother when she was staying with us. She had alzheimer's and he cashed cheques for her in large amounts that she couldn't possibly spend. Sometimes in the 4 figure range in two days. However was any of my contribution considered of value? No, no, no. He used to think that I could do things for him when I was working and told me that I couldn't possibly be busy since being at a desk was not real work. They surely didn't pay me to sit there and be decorative and I would not have been putting in all that overtime if I had nothing to do. After he made me leave that position (with 15 years of seniority) he would decide that I should get a job. But he always thought that I should be at his beck and call all day long and so, while he wanted the money I could make, he didn't like it when I wasn't always available to him. Nothing made him happy.

 

I hope that his family continue to support you. My ex's family did--until I left and then all but his mother turned against me. They would make venomous remarks in front of my kids and it upset them alot. As soon as it was brought to my attention, I told him that if I ever heard such a thing again, that those members of his family would not be seeing them again, and I would go to court to see to it.

 

I am worried for you. You are in a volatile situation. Be careful and KIT!

[reino33]

Hi. Thx for the response. Another day (LoL)...how exciting. The counselor said that sex offenders have a certain "personality type" - a profile. I wonder if he thinks Rick fits. It seems he did based on our conversation. The controlling temperament. The anger now that is building because he "can't" get his drug the way he wants to perhaps (sex w/ others? porn for sure. Etc.) So he takes his anger out on me and the kids. It is intreresting to read about your post saying that whenever he "helps" it turns to disaster. If it is Rick's "idea" to help it seems fine. I hear about the contribution at length no matter how miniscule..."I DID the dishes you know." If it is me who is asking for help it turns into the most difficult thing he has ever undertaken. Ex: Once I asked him to help me get a chair into the truck. He was watching t.v. He moaned and made a 10 minute ordeal of it before ever getting out of hte chair. My son helped me get started. When he did help he shoved the thing into the truck and in the process hit (tapped is a better word) his head on the lift-gate. He immediately fell to the ground holding his head. Screaming "Is it bleeding? Is it bleeding?". My son and I just looked at one another in shock because the situation was SO outrageous. We didn't know whether to laugh or walk away. I looked at it (of course) and told him I think he'd live. It was ridiculous. He creates extreme drama out of the most mundane things to MAKE CERTAIN he is the center of attention. If I devise another tactic (ignoring his antics completely for example) he stops it and then turns to being angry. We are not responding you see. Not the way he wants us to. More later. L

[Iluvsiamese]

"Am I bleeding?" That's hilarious! Maybe your H and my ex are related?? Twin brothers perhaps? My ex used to grab his chest and practically scream in pain which initially would freak me out. I would come running and ask what was wrong to which he would always relax and reply "Nothing, I just had a pain." I finally told him that one of these days he would die of a heart attack and I would just step over him and ignore him as I figured that it was just the same old, same old. I never squawked like that even while giving birth (in fact, never made a sound) and he had the gall to tell me that my pain threshhold was much lower than his. When I told my doctor this she laughed at him.

 

I got the same load of bunk about helping as well. The smallest contribution was made into a production as if he had done something spectacular. The thing was, he seldom managed to even do the dishes properly--there would still be dishes etc. on the table, which was never wiped, and the counters and stove would not be addressed and he always left a mess in the sink. And God forbid that he do any laundry as he would ruin half of the clothes in the process. Gardening was another nightmare--he would pull up the carrots and leave the weeds. He whippersnipped all of the perennials (just about to bloom) because he thought they were weeds in spite of all of the markers labelling them. He was a menace. I never could figure out whether he did it on purpose so that I would be sure not to allow him to do it again, never mind ask him to or if he was really that dense--or maybe he just enjoyed pissing me off, who knows? Even asking him to stop at the grocery store was a bizarre experience. ("No, the grocery store doesn't carry cinnamon, I asked the manager!" or "Well, I only read to the middle of the page and so I didn't see the rest of the list." or "Well, I thought about what you said we needed and I just decided that that wasn't the ingredient that would work." Excuse me???)

 

If he actually does fit the profile of a sex offender, this could help you protect your daughter. I know that the courts prefer to have the parents both in the picture, but IMO there are times when this is NOT in the best interest of the child. There is a difference between reproducing and being a parent.

 

KIT!

[New_Wife]

Sorry for butting in here, but I need clarification on a point or two:

 

1. You are staying with this guy because of your daughter because she needs her pervert sex-addicted father who is in all liklihood boning a friend's wife?

 

or

 

2. You are staying with this guy because you know he will expose her to that if you don't - even though he apparently already is?

 

You said you thought single mother's would be upset with you because you've got it good in some ways? Oh Honey, you couldn't be more wrong. I was a single mother for a long time. I could have, at any point, changed that status if I wanted material comforts more than I wanted to provide my kids with only an atmosphere that would help them grow into the people I knew they could be. I chose an apt over a house. I chose my kids' & my sanity over convenience. I don't think there's a lot of single mothers who wouldn't. You said yourself - you were happier when you were single.

 

You don't love this bozo - he very likely doesn't love you. All you are really teaching your daughter is to accept the unacceptable. If you think she's not learning that - well, you might want to reconsider. There are worse things in life than moving a 4th time.

 

Take care of you and yours.

[reino33]

Hi and thanks for your response. For clarification I'm staying for a number of reasons. I want to give counseling a chance to at least hear him in an atmosphere where at least ONE OTHER (clinically trained) adult can see through the B*S. I chose a male of course because he can manipulate ANY FEMALE. Incredibly handsome and charming.

 

If you've ever been with a "master manipulator" you will probably understand how amazing it is to see how they can subtley control a situation until you begin to wonder if in fact you are the "crazy" one. I know I'm not. But one does wonder over time given the clear comprimises I AM MAKING. I agree with you on that point. i think the thing that could destroy me if I let it, is the level of comprimise I'm willing to make for those so-called "creature comforts". Let me clarify on that point as well. I'm not a materialistic person. I know I can make it on my own (and have before). There is more "at stake" at this stage in my life than before. As well I realize that counseling has helped "some". I expect no great "cure all". But I need to know I have given it every chance and my best. As I mentioned in another post I have invested far too much "sweat equity" in both the marriage and the new home to simply walk away because I think it is “best for me”.

 

Right or wrong I have met women who have found a way to make a situation like mine work and believe it or not it is not unusual in the community I live in. Welcome to the “real“ Stepford. I have found in talking to a few people I have grown to trust here I am not necessarily in the “minority” when it comes to husbands who are obsessed with sex and all things sexual and younger women and the gamut. In fact the majority of women “here” value their looks over all-else (but not the few friends I have made). They pay “good money” to keep those looks and jockey for the "most coveted wife" position. It's sickening. Here I am the Hippy-Chick. Dirt in the garden with my kids versus botox every month at Dr. Lovely’s. My “H” would prefer the botox treatments I’m sure. I won’t go there. My god- look at our society? Every billboard, every channel, everywhere…we are bombarded with sexual images of every-younger, ever-firmer women. For a man who is already struggling with an addiction…it seems an impossible situation. He has friends who support the addiction because from “their generation” ( free-love 60-70’s) using a hooker isn’t SO BADDDDD….Everybody (or most) in the gang do it!

 

I am 40 - he is almost 50. Oh…you may be thinking “She’s Soft.” Read my previous posts. I am not soft. I have also been a single mom and loved it; to me it was not hard except leaving my kids for a 6 month period from 5-7 pm when I had to pick them up from a GF’s house because I was in sales training an hour from my house.

 

I am more of one of those fatalists. I have to understand why this is happening to me NOW and if things can change; if they can’t change; if he won’t change. I will leave. I CAN leave it all behind and HAVE (my first husband was a career naval officer making excellent $$ and I had all the security in the world and still left all that I knew (and loved)); My first concern is the safety of my kids; I can control that with my daughter if I stay in it; I have NO CONTROL over her environment if I leave; he gets her every-other weekend and I have no control over what she is exposed to; I do not believe he would ever hurt her; but I can't be sure at 12 she would not come home one day and say "dad has a new nanny for me! she's 21 and they like to hug!" I’m not willing to make that sacrifice - not for me or my kids. Staying at this point is how I can control the influences in her (and my other boys) live(s) at this time. Things can change. We change every moment. If a dog can be trained to behave….can a man? Thoughts appreciated. L