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Is leaving the best thing?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 26th February 2019, 7:23 AM   #31
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Well said. And I agree- Marriage is not something you can just throw away but settling in life isn't too much fun either.

Well here is an update- Me leaving did make it real for my wife. I came back home and we talked about things but this time I was a little distant.

She did not like it- and I explained to her that this is how she makes me feel everyday.
She understood and now we have both agreed to just love each other because what we have is unique. Be thankful and appreciate each other.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th February 2019 at 3:19 PM.. Reason: Redact quote of prior post
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Old 26th February 2019, 8:32 AM   #32
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Originally Posted by JAG_03 View Post
She understood and now we have both agreed to just love each other because what we have is unique. Be thankful and appreciate each other.
Thank God for that.
I was a bit worried for a while that you were going to throw it all away, but no.
Good news.
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Old 26th February 2019, 10:53 AM   #33
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Originally Posted by JAG_03 View Post
Well said. And I agree- Marriage is not something you can just throw away but settling in life isn't too much fun either. Well here is an update- Me leaving did make it real for my wife. I came back home and we talked about things but this time I was a little distant. She did not like it- and I explained to her that this is how she makes me feel everyday.
She understood and now we have both agreed to just love each other because what we have is unique. Be thankful and appreciate each other.
As long as there are changes. Sometimes words are said, but actions don't change.

Good luck mate.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th February 2019 at 3:20 PM.. Reason: Fix spacing
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Old 26th February 2019, 11:22 AM   #34
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<snip>And I don't care what anyone here says, you wife is sending a lot of red flags. Stop pussy footing and investigate. If you have the money leave town for a few days and hire a PI. If you don't have the money get your hands on her phone and rip it apart for the data. Run some recovery program on it.<snip>
[]Women are not unique - EVERYONE finds a person who takes ownership of their own life attractive. That's not unique to one gender. What is unique, is that a lot of women DOWNGRADE when they have an affair, which is why they don't leave their marriages. Just read the OW forum to see how women pine delusional about the men who are using them FOR YEARS!

OP, there's more to your wife's story than she lets on. However, you've both come a long way and her career is so intrinsically empowering to her it will be very difficult to untangle whatever emotional or romantic involvement there is. You should be very clear with your self about what you want before you start down that path.

Yes, there are red flags:

1.) Crying she can't adequately explain.
2.) Excessive after hours phone use
3.) Reflexive sheltering of her phone
4.) Ambiguous and unnecessary contact from co workers (Deviled Eggs)

There is a fine line between camaraderie and intrusion. At the very least her work and coworkers are intruding upon her family life and she allows it. You too, are not innocent in this. 2 nites a week out of town is NOT a luxury - it is a burden upon the family. You both need to examine your priorities in light of your own family histories. Neither of you is immune to accepting unhealthy patterns and weak communication as normal.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th February 2019 at 3:21 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote and fix spacing and language
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Old 26th February 2019, 11:40 AM   #35
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Originally Posted by JAG_03 View Post
Well said. And I agree- Marriage is not something you can just throw away but settling in life isn't too much fun either.

Well here is an update- Me leaving did make it real for my wife. I came back home and we talked about things but this time I was a little distant.

She did not like it- and I explained to her that this is how she makes me feel everyday.
She understood and now we have both agreed to just love each other because what we have is unique. Be thankful and appreciate each other.
What does this even mean? You've both agreed to just love each other and appreciate each other. Okay and how are you going to make that happen? Did you reach some sort of agreement regarding the phone? Or the other concerns you have had? I don't see how "we agreed to just love each other" fixes or changes anything.
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Old 26th February 2019, 11:50 AM   #36
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Look, when (if) the shady stuff starts up again, shut your yap and hire a PI, go investigative, to figure out whats really going on. Start saving some funds for it now, and if it never comes up? Great, a rainy day fund.

I know my view is colored by my experiences, but your story raises alarm bells for me.
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Old 26th February 2019, 12:11 PM   #37
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Kind of a dangerous game of chicken the two of you are playing.

Is there a reason marriage counseling isn't at least on the table? 26 years with young kids, seems worth fighting for...
This so true.

Op, this game of chicken isn't going to turn out well for you. It's unlikely you'll acquire her respect by demanding she subjugate her own self respect. You may see some short term chasing on her part but, eventually she'll just see how unhealthy this is and let you go.

I think brinkmanship instead of counseling will reap a disaster that could easily have been avoided. Your marriage sounds so fixable and yet, there's these huge egos getting in the way.

You don't really mention much about your youngest child, which is kind of odd since you say you work from home and yet are gone 2 nights a week. As over involved as your wife is at work, you're not coming across as 100% authentic about your part in this.

Regarding "deviled eggs" - it doesn't have to mean anything and therefore it's just needless communication that doesn't have to happen, and creates distance between you. So does running off to a motel room. Allowing people to contact us in a whim and running away to motel rooms are both crappy things to do to a marriage.
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Old 26th February 2019, 8:08 PM   #38
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500 calls or texts a day?

Geeze man. There is no way that Much is business related.

You leaving your home to get her to pay attention? Then running back is very High Schoolish. All you did was pout then come back which tells you she can do as she pleases.

If it were me I'd take a good look at what all the communication was about. Ask her for her phone. People hide nothing if there's nothing to hide. Then do a text recovery on it. You want/need some verification over a very big red flag. If she doesn't agree you have your answer.

There is no such thing as that kind of privacy in a marriage. 500 per day!!! Wake up no one would swallow that.

OH and if she is cheating they tend to lie a lot in case you didn't know that. If it is an affair she's not going to admit it. Ever.

Last edited by Marc878; 26th February 2019 at 9:11 PM..
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Old 26th February 2019, 10:06 PM   #39
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500 calls or texts a day?
I'm pretty sure that's an exaggeration. If you got a decent night sleep and then ONLY sent text messages during every waking hour of the day - you'd have to start typing your next reply within 90 seconds of the last message received and do this continuously for 16 hours.

Anyway, It's the patterns that matter in phone records not the string quantity itself. Eliminate the legitimate patterns, and find the one's that don't fit with any relevant time line or originate from locations other than where they claim to be.

My ex used to call the kids and say she was right down the street and almost home - then 4 hours would go by and no mommy. Phone records would reveal she wasn't even in the same state.
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Old 28th February 2019, 1:52 PM   #40
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The phone behavior concerns me the most. Forget about talking to her and buying books, I did that and it cost me years. It turned out that while I was doing that to try to improve my marriage, my ex had been cheating the whole time...for years. She was an amazingly good liar. My talking to her, expressing my concerns, etc, just made her hide her activity that much better. If I asked her about phone records, she'd switch to an app, etc. She even stopped screwing her AP for months because she knew I was suspicious. Eventually, things settled down and she went right back at it with him.

If you really suspect she is cheating (and I think you have reason to, although I am admittedly biased), my advice based on my experience, is to keep your mouth shut and your eyes and ears open. Don't let on that you suspect anything...ever. Check phone records, make notes of odd things that come up and keep those notes hidden away. Eventually, over time, the notes may help you put things together as you start to learn new things or see patterns develop. However, I believe the quickest way to get to the truth would be to hide a VAR in her car...that is very commonly advised here as well.

Whatever you decide, the next time you have suspicions, don't say a thing.
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Old 1st March 2019, 8:06 AM   #41
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The phone behavior concerns me the most. Forget about talking to her and buying books, I did that and it cost me years. It turned out that while I was doing that to try to improve my marriage, my ex had been cheating the whole time...for years. She was an amazingly good liar. My talking to her, expressing my concerns, etc, just made her hide her activity that much better. If I asked her about phone records, she'd switch to an app, etc. She even stopped screwing her AP for months because she knew I was suspicious. Eventually, things settled down and she went right back at it with him.

If you really suspect she is cheating (and I think you have reason to, although I am admittedly biased), my advice based on my experience, is to keep your mouth shut and your eyes and ears open. Don't let on that you suspect anything...ever. Check phone records, make notes of odd things that come up and keep those notes hidden away. Eventually, over time, the notes may help you put things together as you start to learn new things or see patterns develop. However, I believe the quickest way to get to the truth would be to hide a VAR in her car...that is very commonly advised here as well.

Whatever you decide, the next time you have suspicions, don't say a thing.
Thanks All

Oak- so let me ask you- during the time your wife was cheating, was she still affectionate, caring, loving, sex on a regular basis, etc. Because- we seem as close as ever- its quite confusing.
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Old 1st March 2019, 4:31 PM   #42
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Can you be more specific about her and her phone? Does she protect it from you? Does she leave it lying around or is it glued to her? Does she keep it under her pillow at night? Do you have any access to it?

Has she bought underwear she doesn’t wear for you? Has she change any personal grooming habits? Have you caught her in any lies at all?

Get aVAR for her car and one for the house when you are gone.

Btw, she put her boss down n Snapchat? That is known as the cheaters app.

Last edited by Chaparral; 1st March 2019 at 4:46 PM..
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Old 2nd March 2019, 9:58 AM   #43
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Thanks All

Oak- so let me ask you- during the time your wife was cheating, was she still affectionate, caring, loving, sex on a regular basis, etc. Because- we seem as close as ever- its quite confusing.
With some WW's the affair puts their desire into overdrive and their
BH gets more sex during the PA, some WW's the level of sex never
changes, some WW's stop having sex with their BH because they
do not want to cheat on their OM an a lot of OM request that the
WW stops putting out for their BH.

So to me the only true indicators of having an affair: 1) is when the
WW cuts off sex for her BH, and: 2) there is a increase in the WW's
desire for sex before the affair turns physical, then she cuts off sex
with her BH.
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