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Is leaving the best thing?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 19th February 2019, 10:53 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by pepperbird View Post
op,
if you want to know how a woman feels, you ASK HER. Never mind books, online posts by others, etc. No one can know what is going on in her head but HER.

Yeah because his wife seems to be super forthcoming with her thoughts and feelings.....


If you want to know how a woman feels.... Don't ask her. Your more likely to get garbled bullcrap than anything, with a little bit of everything that has ever happened to them thrown in for good measure.


People let's be honest. When has asking a probably wayward wife what she is feeling ever worked???? Sure an already open and connected and honest woman.... ask away. You might even get an honest and straight answer. This guys wife? Its a waste of time.


You are also assuming he hasn't already asked. Where did that get him?

Last edited by Adotta; 19th February 2019 at 10:55 AM..
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Old 19th February 2019, 11:16 AM   #17
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There's nothing wrong with reading books or asking for thoughts on forums like this one. But you should obviously also talk to her. It's not an either/or proposition.

We all have our experiences and resulting biases, and they are clearly on display here for all to see. That doesn't mean the advice can't be spot on, but weigh everything against your own situation and your gut feelings.
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Old 19th February 2019, 12:06 PM   #18
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I am not the kind of person who settles. Some where along the way my Wife stopped respecting me. I have been sitting back giving my all to this woman and have been watching her fall out of love with me. This all started when she went back to the work force.

I told her this morning that I am moving out. I have left to stay in a hotel for the next three days, I will return home on Friday and start working on the finances.

If my wife comes to her senses by then than I will be willing to work it out but if not I am moving on. Life is too short.
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Old 19th February 2019, 1:24 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by JAG_03 View Post
I told her this morning that I am moving out. I have left to stay in a hotel for the next three days, I will return home on Friday and start working on the finances.
What was her reaction to this?

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Old 19th February 2019, 1:44 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by JAG_03 View Post
I am not the kind of person who settles. Some where along the way my Wife stopped respecting me. I have been sitting back giving my all to this woman and have been watching her fall out of love with me. This all started when she went back to the work force.

I told her this morning that I am moving out. I have left to stay in a hotel for the next three days, I will return home on Friday and start working on the finances.

If my wife comes to her senses by then than I will be willing to work it out but if not I am moving on. Life is too short.
The medium is the message, a woman who wants to be with you will not confuse you..she is preoccupied with your replacement, the guy she is currently cheating with, could be your boss..
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Old 19th February 2019, 3:35 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
What was her reaction to this?

Mr. Lucky
She said ok....Then she came over to my computer and wanted to see which places I was looking to move to. I said there is no point in that. Then as I was walking out the door I said see you later- she replied That's it then? I said what do you want me to do.
I left and while I was driving she texted me and asked if I was going to my office- I replied yes. Then she texted and said- I told you if you threaten me with leaving I would not stop you. I replied- yes you did.
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Old 19th February 2019, 4:06 PM   #22
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Your wife has spent her entire life caring for others until the past few years and she has built a successful career in the short time since. You never knew her as a career woman. Sounds to me like she's working hard and you feel like you're competing with her job for her attention. My guess is she's feeling like you don't support her career.

Nothing you have said makes me think she's cheating. Deviled eggs? I've made cakes and all kinds of snacks to celebrate workaversaries and birthdays at work because that's what coworkers do. Also, it's possible she's turning her back to you while she's on the phone because you've expressed your dissatisfaction with her answering work calls at home. She's feeling torn between work and home.

If your sex life is good and you enjoy each other's company, your relationship is still working. Women having affairs usually don't act normal with their husbands. I'm sure you can come to some kind of compromise regarding limiting phone time with work and respecting family time. As far as her cold response to you leaving, she hasn't had time to process it yet. With the absence of major problems in your marriage, she probably thinks you're not serious because, why should you be?
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Old 19th February 2019, 4:11 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by JAG_03 View Post
She said ok....Then she came over to my computer and wanted to see which places I was looking to move to. I said there is no point in that. Then as I was walking out the door I said see you later- she replied That's it then? I said what do you want me to do.
I left and while I was driving she texted me and asked if I was going to my office- I replied yes. Then she texted and said- I told you if you threaten me with leaving I would not stop you. I replied- yes you did.
At this point you have to stick to your guns. You can't approach her with olive leaves. You can't half ask for you two to work on it. She has to accept that thing need to change and a whole lot of that change has to be on her. Not all of it. But most of it. You have to look deep inside yourself and ask if you are in the right. If you can except the status quo forever or if losing that is worth the chance to break off and persue someone else. Something else. Don't let fear of the unknown rule your mind. I wouldn't accept a ****ty status quo just because I was scared of chasing something better and failing. That's a losing mentality. That's a holding pattern.

We're you a good husband? If so and by what you say it sounds like you tried damn hard to be... then the rest is on her. You have expectations and desires for a real deep connection of love and sexual attraction. That's absolutely normal. If she can't give you that and doesn't seem to be trying to work towards that in any effectual manner.... just go. Like I said life is too short. If she doesn't pursue you at this point., after you have laid out your expectations and requirements...... It's was already over. Cut the cord. Be strong about it. Don't flinch. If you are seen to have flinched...... she will be in the driving seat again. SHE is deciding the course of the marriage and what is to be expected... again.

And that's leaving out the probable (But not guaranteed) infidelity. Even if she does drop to her knees and start doing the work to make this a marriage worth fighting for... I would still demand to see her phone and forensicly dig through every possible means of communication and restore any data possible.

Edit- Read up on the 180 as well. It will help you. It's a tool to detach. It's also has the added secondary effect of getting the message across to a spouse. The right message. One of strength and independence. And who knows... maybe she will admit she need to do a lot of work and she needs to change her behavior, Let you dig through all her data, and you two can start being a real couple. There is always hope. Jist dont let hope rule your thoughts.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th February 2019 at 3:14 PM.. Reason: Fix spacing
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Old 19th February 2019, 4:26 PM   #24
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<snip>If your sex life is good and you enjoy each other's company, your relationship is still working. Women having affairs usually don't act normal with their husbands. I'm sure you can come to some kind of compromise regarding limiting phone time with work and respecting family time. As far as her cold response to you leaving, she hasn't had time to process it yet. With the absence of major problems in your marriage, she probably thinks you're not serious because, why should you be?
Did you read any of his posts? He already said he gets starfish sex. He already said she seems very disconnected. He already said she spends large amount of time on her phone. Mass messaging her boss and other to the point it interferes with the relationship.

He already said they have been on the brink of divorce several times. He has already said he is very supportive of her career and he was his biggest cheerleader. He has already said he has done anything he can think of to connect with her and improve the relationship. He hands out foot massages and an open ear all the time. It's her who is stone walling him. It's is her who is dragging her feet and phoning it in.

You know sometimes I think posters with crappy marriages who are doing everything in their power to bring that spark back to the relationship but have a uncooperative and unenthusiastic spouse are just expected to keep on plowing on. A sort of JUST KEEP GOING or YOU NEED TO DO BETTER or YOU JUST ARE NOT DOING IT RIGHT attitude. Look. I'm sure the guy is not perfect. No One is. And maybe he does have A lot he needs to work on. BUT HE'S TRYING. And from what he says HIS WIFE ISN'T.

What do you expect from the guy? If he keeps this up he's going to end up miserable! Old. And beaten down. You have seen those guys before haven't You? Is that what is best for him? OR he will resent her and without the connection sexually and romanticly he desires and "stuck" in a bad marriage..... might he possibly have an affair?

Isn't this the point every wayward spouse gets too where instead of starting an affair they should have demanded changes or a divorce? Don't we tell these wayward all the time that it was at THIS point they should have took a stand instead of brewing resentment rewriting history and starting an affair?

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th February 2019 at 3:16 PM.. Reason: Fix spacing
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Old 19th February 2019, 4:53 PM   #25
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Look. I'm sure the guy is not perfect. No One is. And maybe he does have A lot he needs to work on. BUT HE'S TRYING. And from what he says HIS WIFE ISN'T.<snip>
My wife did try and cut back on the phone but as soon as I walk out the room sometimes she jumps on it. I am at the point as Adotta said- I am starting to resent her. I find myself not wanting to be in the same room as her. then when I leave the room I am the bad guy.
I love my wife. I have always supported her. In her career before she became a stay home mom and also encouraged her to get back into the workforce since our youngest was in middle school and I work from home so if there were any emergencies I could handle them.


My wife changed when she went back to work. I don't know if it is her hormones (she is 47) or something else.
She has expressed that she doesn't want our 26 years of marriage to end but at the same time she thinks the problem is in my head and that she isn't doing anything wrong.
The deviled eggs is probably meaningless- but with everything else going on- I am not naive to say eh its nothing.

She just texted me and asked where I am staying tonight. I love this woman but if she doesn't come around in the next few days then it really would not matter how much time- she has moved on in her mind.
I refuse to live like that. She either loves and respects me or she doesn't.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th February 2019 at 3:17 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote
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Old 19th February 2019, 8:50 PM   #26
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She just texted me and asked where I am staying tonight. I love this woman but if she doesn't come around in the next few days then it really would not matter how much time- she has moved on in her mind.
I refuse to live like that. She either loves and respects me or she doesn't.
Kind of a dangerous game of chicken the two of you are playing.

Is there a reason marriage counseling isn't at least on the table? 26 years with young kids, seems worth fighting for...

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Old 19th February 2019, 9:31 PM   #27
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Kind of a dangerous game of chicken the two of you are playing.

Is there a reason marriage counseling isn't at least on the table? 26 years with young kids, seems worth fighting for...

Mr. Lucky
You have a point. But it's his choice. He is at ground level. He knows what's up. And what makes you think this is a game of chicken? If neither person flinched it doesn't result in a crash but a divorce. If No One was willing to back down and lower their head.... kinda goes to show the state of the marriage doesn't it? I think of it more like tug of war. If both sides are stuck in an unending tugging match instead of walking together.... isn't it better to simply cut the rope?

Look. Op I'm not trying to root you on for a divorce as much as it may seem so. If you feel there is a way towards a better marriage with your wife... go for it! That's the best ending. If you could come back 6 months from now and tell us about how GREAT the marriage is now, that would make me extremely pleased and happy for you.

I just caution against hope controlling thought and a wait and see approach. If you think there is a chance to work things out you owe it to yourself to try. Don't burn years trying though. I sounds like you already burned a few trying.
So many spouses get screwed over when they are unwilling to put their foot down and make any demands. It's sounds pig headed I know, but the alternative when you are dealing with an uncooperative partner is suffering along scooping up table scraps.

Have you tried marriage counseling yet op? HAVE you actually breached these subjects in depth with your wife. Have you truly made your concerns well known and tried to find an accommodating middle ground. One where both parties can be happy? And if you have... what else can anyone here recommend besides a SHUT UP AND DEAL WITH IT approach?

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Old 20th February 2019, 1:22 PM   #28
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Did you read any of his posts? <snip>
I read them, or I wouldn't have responded. Unlike you, I don't think marriage is something to dismiss as easily as you seem to. I also find it reckless to jump to so many conclusions when it comes to people's lives.

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Old 20th February 2019, 1:33 PM   #29
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Sorry you're going through this. Let's assume there's been no affair or even emotional affair. I equate this being on the phone 500 times a day with work or anyone to be the same type of checking out as for example a guy who comes home and just stays on the video games all night.

maybe you should ask her how would you like it if I had come home every day and just gotten on video games and stayed in my room playing video games instead of interacting with you. It's being checked out mentally. It hardly even matters if she didn't family affair get emotionally involved.

not sure it's worth a divorce without first trying counseling to make her understand why you wouldn't be able to stand this. So try to stay open to that.
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Old 20th February 2019, 2:47 PM   #30
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I read them, or I wouldn't have responded. Unlike you, I don't think marriage is something to dismiss as easily as you seem to. I also find it reckless to jump to so many conclusions when it comes to people's lives.
Your response was basically "boo hoo. You feel inferior and like a spoiled child because she has this new job. Get over it. Are you happy with the sex? Then shut up!!" But what you failed to notice is he already addressed those points. No marriage isn't something to easily dismiss. But neither do I think someone should cling to a marriage as if it's a life raft in a stormy sea. That cuts your options down to basically... sit and swivel on it. Suck it up. And hey at least you still get sex! That's not a marriage. It's a self imposed prison cell.

This is a simple problem with simple solutions. 1 she works with him. They move forward and fix the problem. 2 she doesn't. He leaves. She is no longer his problem. 3 she doesnt... And he stays. He is miserable. But hey..... at least the sanctity of marriage is maintained!!

He has already tried number 1 from what he says. So that leaves number two and 3. Which is the better of those 2 options in your mind?

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th February 2019 at 3:19 PM.. Reason: Fix spacing
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