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Is leaving the best thing?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 18th February 2019, 9:31 AM   #1
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is it me or is it her?

I have been searching for indiscreet help for awhile and just found this site. I have read through some of the stories and keep wanting to see more answers- finality if you will on certain stories. To see how it turns out- but I guess what I am really looking for are my own answers. So, here is my story.

I grew up a poor kid. Victim of domestic abuse. 8th grade was officially my last grade completed in the public school system. I later got my GED (in my 30's)because I got my Real Estate license- and needed it...anyway.

I met my wife when I was 20 years old. She was 16. I was immature, selfish, and going nowhere fast. My wife was the oldest of 2 girls. Her mother worked ouf of town M-F so my wife basically had to raise her little sister (6 years her junior) I kind of became the " husband and father" of this situation. I lived there when her mother wasn't around and would sleep in my car on the weekends.

When my wife graduated high school we moved into an apartment. I started driving trucks, she worked in banking but then got the opportunity to sell insurance. I kept quitting jobs and caused us to have money issues. My wife held us together. She is so giving and kind. She never complained. She never yelled at me to get a job. I could see it in her face but did not attempt to make it better.

This went on for about 5 years - until my wife gave birth of our second child. At that point she became a stay home mom. Money was very tight- I kept quitting jobs but I did manage to get new jobs in quick succession but I would go down in wage, up in wage- back down- it was very unstable.

When I was 32 I had an ha ha moment- and started to apply myself and ended up in telecommunications work- have a trucking license opened a door and man did I take full advantage once I walked through that first door.

I am now very accomplished and have a great job and career. My wife returned to the work force 3 years ago when our youngest child was in middle school. Women with no education absent from the workforce for 20 years- She did not want to work in retail she wanted a career so why not insurance?

She got a job with an agent- he paid for her to go to school, she has been there 3 years and is killing it.

My wife seems to always be on her phone. She was like that before the job but since the job it has or seems to be more. Last year I logged into my phone account (all the phones are in my name) and I found that my wife was texting her boss pretty much non stop. up to 500 times in one day. Weekends and while we are on vacation. I confronted her about and she said no way that is impossible so I showed her. - Caveat here- most of those texts were part of group texting with her boss and 2 other female employees- so it isn't quite fair to say that it was exclusively him.

I ask my wife is she is having an emotional affair, she says absolutely not- it is just texting back and forth with the group- they are like family.

everything seems to be normal in our relationship- we have sex on the same schedule. we enjoy each others company- we make each other laugh, but for me its that damn phone. Like last night- she was sitting next to me but when her phone lit up (she does not use volume tones- which annoys me) she turns her body to read it which blocks me from seeing. So I ask her- is there something on there you do not want me to see? because it looked that way. She said no, it was a group text from work- where the new guy (a younger guy) said he wants deviled eggs......Why would he do that? Sunday night at 7pm.....is it code for something???
I know my wife is enjoying her career, it gives her satisfaction AND turns out she is competitive- turns out she is competitive against this young guy who just started working there about 6 months ago- She tries to beat him in sales. yes the same guy who wants deviled eggs.

We have almost split up over this a few times- one will say I had it I am done and the other will say no lets work on it. We have gone back and forth on this. If she isn't doing anything wrong I know that my behavior will either make her want to or it will break her into ending it.

So from my perspective, I am the one who needs to change. I have to get over the insecurities. It's like I am married to 2 women. One who is attentive and one who is reserved and cold and silent.

I asked her a few months ago while we were in the apex of this back forth-, I asked, If you didn't know me and just met me , would you want to be in a relationship with me? She replied, I don't know, maybe not. That was a red flag to me and she immediately started making excuses as to why she would feel that way.

If I met my wife today I would want to be in a relationship with her and it bums me that she doesn't feel the same way.

THE BAD
So here are some other "flags" I have noticed.
She would talk about her boss alot.
One day she was balling here eyes out- I said whats wrong she said nothing, nothing, its work stuff. I dont want to talk about it.
She added her boss on snapchat
The day I confronted her about all the text messages- they stopped- from both parties-
She always dressed nice for work, but she started buy new clothes and shoes and started getting her nails done
she is always on her phone

THE GOOD
she seems to want things to work out
she is still attentive


I know if I keep acting this way I am going to loose her no matter what- but this is a cry for help- hopefully someone or collectively I can get good advice.

Sorry if I was all over the place- ask me any questions I will answer honestly and frankly.

Thanks
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Old 18th February 2019, 9:49 AM   #2
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Asking someone "are you having an emotional affair" is rarely going to get a good answer.

Many people don't believe emotional affairs even exist, or don't understand what they are. What seems simple and obvious to us on this forum where we talk about them all the time is actually quite controversial to a lot of larger society.

Unless someone is really into the whole movement or has been through the aftermath and therapy, they're not going to identify their own actions as an EA. They're going to think things like "he's a friend that I care about" or "there's a spark there but we haven't done anything". And probably a lot of denial to herself as well. People often refuse to face up to what they're doing until they get to the point of slipping into a physical affair, because that they can recognise.

If she's still willing to talk about it, maybe you could see if she'll read that 'More Than Friends' book which explains more about how inappropriate friendships at work develop and bloom?

Because yeah, from all the red flags, it sounds like she's definitely attracted, whether she's willing to admit it to herself or not. But you've got to lead her to the understanding of what it all means rather than just yelling at her to stop, which will make her defensive.
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Old 18th February 2019, 10:11 AM   #3
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Unless someone is really into the whole movement or has been through the aftermath and therapy, they're not going to identify their own actions as an EA. They're going to think things like "he's a friend that I care about" or "there's a spark there but we haven't done anything". And probably a lot of denial to herself as well. People often refuse to face up to what they're doing until they get to the point of slipping into a physical affair, because that they can recognise.

If she's still willing to talk about it, maybe you could see if she'll read that 'More Than Friends' book which explains more about how inappropriate friendships at work develop and bloom?

Because yeah, from all the red flags, it sounds like she's definitely attracted, whether she's willing to admit it to herself or not. But you've got to lead her to the understanding of what it all means rather than just yelling at her to stop, which will make her defensive.
I apologize for not know how to navigate this- I have spent my whole adulthood with this one woman. I am a noob at this.


I will look up that book" more than friends"

I do try to explain things to her. I will say- Babe, you are an attractive woman. If a co worker gets alot text from you, even if you think it is innocent, that man will get the impression that you are attracted to them and they will pursue more. She says no way he is married (about her boss) or he is to young (about the new guy) I would never do that.....

At one point in the beginning of all this I said to her, I give you permission to go screw whomever you want. If you think the grass is greener, don't let me stop you. Just let me know and I will leave. She pleads back that she isn't doing anything wrong and that she doesn't want to throw away our life together.

She seems to be fighting to stay together.
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Old 18th February 2019, 11:51 AM   #4
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Is leaving the best thing?

<Two threads on a similar subject merged for continuity. Duplicate content retained for clarity>



My wife and I are going through a rough patch. After 20 years as a stay home mom she is back to work selling insurance for last three years. She seems to be preoccupied with her job. Comes home 10-15 min later than when she first started working there. Just recently went in on a Saturday for the first time ever.

I have asked her if she is doing anything, she denies and for the most part I do not have any evidence she is cheating. The bad part is , it is all I think about.

I know I am going to drive her crazy so I am thinking maybe the best thing to do is just leave. WE are 4 children, only one is under the age of 18 and is our only son. So leaving may have some impact on him. He is a typical teenager- sits in his room and is on his phone non step - so I wonder how much it would actually impact him.

I love my wife deeply. But I feel like I am an old friend as opposed to the husband. I give my wife affection, I complement her constantly. I message her feet and legs when she has had a long day in heels. and yet if I did not pursue any physical connection with my wife she would be fine with no to little touch for weeks. By physical touch I mean cuddling, massaging, sitting next to each other to watch tv... Sex is something we always have and have it very patiently, although if I am being honest, sex is more of me being passionate and her being the recipient. When she trys to be passionate it is a little mechanical.

I used to think to myself I want to make her happy, but now I am wondering what do I want to be happy......decisions.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 18th February 2019 at 1:13 PM.. Reason: Merged threads
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Old 18th February 2019, 12:03 PM   #5
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10-15 minutes and an occasional Saturday probably doesn't mean anything beyond her getting more into her job, at worst possibly because she's feeling the same lack of satisfaction in your marriage that you are.

Before you get to the leaving stage there are several other steps. First and foremost have an honest conversation, about everything. Also consider marriage counseling.
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Old 18th February 2019, 12:25 PM   #6
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Before you get to the leaving stage there are several other steps. First and foremost have an honest conversation, about everything. Also consider marriage counseling.
I agree with your first paragraph completely. As far as the second- yes I have had open conversations with her. She assures me nothing is going on and that she will do whatever she can to make me feel like I am not a piece of furniture.

She has put her phone down more but she still picks it up. at 5pm my phone sits on my desk and isn't touched again till the next morning. I feel like everyone in the world I need to know what is going on with is sitting under this roof. Maybe women need a little more "community" than that- idk.

Lets say she is right and that she isnt doing anything at all- I am still going to push her away and be alone anyway.

So why prolong it? I can just move out- be miserable for a little while and then get over it. If my wife does end up with som one at her work or another man, I can live with that more easily than being cheated on.
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Old 18th February 2019, 12:40 PM   #7
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Your wife is in sales. People are generally available to buy things after 5 pm & on weekends when they are not working.

Instead of pouting that your wife comes home 15 minutes later, celebrate her success. When you support her, she should turn back toward you.

Your idea that you want out of this marriage because she is growing is very troubling but that's you, not her. Be more giving & you should get more in return. Pouting that the 1950s where dinner is on the table when you get home is over is not the solution to your problem
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Old 18th February 2019, 12:49 PM   #8
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Just curious but if the roles were exactly reversed, how do you think your wife would respond if you said oh its nothing?
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Old 18th February 2019, 12:54 PM   #9
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It's you.

You are insecure. Now that she is earning her own money you fear that she will leave you.

Try celebrating her success instead of condemning her for it.
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Old 18th February 2019, 1:37 PM   #10
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Saw your other thread as well. This is all just my own opinion, nothing more:

The red flags are significant but I agree not proof. The crying part would actually concern me the most. Crying over a setback at work is plausible. "Bawling" seems pretty unusual though.

It sounds like you won't be happy unless you know for sure she is not straying. Considering leaving the marriage when she doesn't want you to and you don't know there is a real problem seems self-defeating.

One possible course of action would be to hope for the best, prepare emotionally (really) for the worst and investigate. A person could find an opportunity to look through the texts from work and judge for themselves. If still not sure, a person could hire a PI to investigate for a week or two and reach a conclusion.

If nothing is found, great! One could relax, be loving, and trust more freely. IMO, there'd be no reason to tell the spouse. If found that she's cheating, then one would know and could take action.

If she is straying, the best thing IMO, would be to try to keep emotions in check as much as possible and try to make logical, sensible decisions on a course of action. (Easier said than done.)

That is how some folks might approach this.


Another thought: from the history you describe I strongly suspect that, even if she is cheating, this woman greatly appreciates what you have done for her and the huge difference you have made in her life. I suspect that she would be being very very selfish in cheating, but would not actually WANT to hurt you (although she would be greatly). Something to keep in mind.
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Old 18th February 2019, 1:43 PM   #11
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I accept everyone's critique of me. It very well all be me which is why I ponder the question am I happy. Maybe I would be happier alone.

and for the record, I am my wifes biggest cheerleader.

I am not making any rash decisions, I have the luxury of staying out of town 2 days a week. This will give us both time apart.
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Old 18th February 2019, 5:10 PM   #12
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I have the luxury of staying out of town 2 days a week. This will give us both time apart.
So that you can ... ?

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Old 18th February 2019, 5:29 PM   #13
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Well, that's all confusing, isn't it?

First, I just have to say that 500 calls or texts or anything is very excessive in a day.

I don't know why she was crying. But I can tell you this: If she's on the phone 500 times a day, when does she have time for an affair??? Right? She might have an emotional crush or something, but if it's not interfering with her wanting to be in the marriage and sex life and all that, I guess that's human.

I wouldn't worry one whit about the guy who wants deviled eggs. I have to say it does sound like some of those work people don't have a life of their own to be constantly chitchatting with her.

Because of both of your financial ups and downs, good times, bad times, do you think she is so afraid of being poor again that she would hold onto the marriage until she monkey-branched to another person?

Are these guys who are at work married? I mean, of course, it's possible she's emotional over one. Who knows, maybe she thought he'd leave his wife and you know that hardly ever happens. I'm not saying that happened. The fact that you both still enjoy sex with each other and other stuff tells me she's not really checked out of your marriage.

But marriage is about compromise -- and these constant after-hours texts and calls are excessive, and she should be willing to cut those way back and set a time after which they can't do it IF you will agree to try to relax about being jealous. I think anyone would be at the very least annoyed by that, and yes, maybe jealous and suspicious.

Ask her if she can set some limits on it because you know it's excessive and anyone would think so. Make her take some of the responsibility here. And then if she does your part and you do yours and relax about it and things are still going okay, maybe you can truly relax instead of just acting like it!
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Old 19th February 2019, 4:02 AM   #14
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Oh boy. Your basicly a man servant. Her sex drive for you seems obligatory? I can guess Why!


Stop kissing her ass. It's not manly in the least. I really feel like I'm suggesting these books too much lately but read no more Mr Nice Guy and the married man's sex life primer. Especially tmmslp. Stop being a puts. Stop putting her on a pedestal. For a woman that **** gets old fast. They like it. But it's not sexy. It's like how people like having servants. Not many people truly respect servants or desire deep connections with them.


And I don't care what anyone here says, you wife is sending a lot of red flags. Stop pussy footing and investigate. If you have the money leave town for a few days and hire a PI. If you don't have the money get your hands on her phone and rip it apart for the data. Run some recovery program on it.


Dude. Life is to short to sit idle on a holding pattern. Life is to short to accept pity sex and an uninterested wife. Grab life by the balls. If she isn't going to step up... DROP HER.



You have been on the losing side of this for too long because you value the relationship more than its actually worth. You are afraid to stir up trouble and are stuck in a cycle. women are attracted to men who control thier own destiny.


Ever notice how women are attracted more to guys who have thier own life. Thier own goals. A set of principles and expectations they demand be met and anyone who stand in the way of that or fails to meet them is cut from thier Life? To the point they even prefer *******s to nice guys? As far as desire for a sexual partner goes at least. But *******s don't like tying knots and raising children..... and that's where nice guys come into play. Women have an almost instinct (not all women) to find a provider. But they also seek the wild man. The strong. The in control no bull**** types. The daring. If they can find a man who is both those things they have hit the jackpot. If they can't find that man.... They simply split the job between two men.




They are also attracted to men who don't put women on pedestals. Stop trying to please her. seriously. It's a fine line to walk between being a selfish ******* and being the nice guy pushover but its the line true men must walk.



Let me ask you. Who seems to win arguments every time? I'm guessing it's her. That whole men lose 9 out of ten arguments while married **** is for pansies. If you think you have a good point. If you think you have reasonable demands..... Don't give in!! Stand your ground. Be a man!!



Her lack of interest in sex alone would be enough for me to start down the road to divorce. I don't have enough life to live to spend my time having sex with someone who seems to simply tolerate me ****ing her as if I'm just a dog humping her leg. **** that.

Last edited by Adotta; 19th February 2019 at 4:08 AM..
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Old 19th February 2019, 10:29 AM   #15
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op,
if you want to know how a woman feels, you ASK HER. Never mind books, online posts by others, etc. No one can know what is going on in her head but HER.
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