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It happened[Was: Inappropriate relationship heading to an affair]


ConflictedMan

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ConflictedMan

I'm a long time reader of these forums and should likely know better at this point.

 

A little background: late thirties man, married for 10 years with two kids. Overall, I have what most would consider to be a great marriage.

 

A few weeks ago, a coworker of mine [no reporting relationship] put it out there that she's interested in sharing a hotel room at a conference. She's also late thirties with two kids. The implication is pretty clear that she's interested in a having a physical relationship.

 

We have met privately several times for lunch over the past few months but have never had any kind of inappropriate relationship before. I have never cheated on my wife up to this point. However, I did get caught up in the excitement and novelty of the proposition and agreed to meet in a few weeks.

 

The past few weeks, I've been feeling very guilty about the whole situation and wondering if it's possible to go through with it and not end up with a mess after the fact.

 

Anyone have a similar experience where it didn't end in disaster for everyone ?

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ConflictedMan

My wife and I have somewhat different perspectives on love and sex. She can't separate the two. I'm pretty sure I can. Not that this makes things better.

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Turning point

I have four daughters, and a STBX that is a serial cheater. She worked outside sales and like you describe, company paid hotel rooms and men who want to share made for an easy nest.

 

I had every incentive over these long hard years to cheat. I don't and won't until my divorce is final because one day I hope to be walking my daughters down the aisle. Should any of them in a moment of indecision ask me about my past, I want to reassure them there are good, honorable people in this world who honor commitments and value love. There is always space where fairy tales can come true, and the only thing required is integrity.

 

What kind of man do you want to be?

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Gee, how could this ever go wrong?

 

Seriously. Coworker, sex, marriages, kids...this just sounds like a great idea.

 

(Dripping with sarcasm if that wasn’t clear)

 

What are you thinking? That a little random sex is just fine? That even thinking about it isn’t a huge insult to your wife and family? Do you need someone to truly tell you this is a bad thing? If so - this is a BAD idea. Knock it off unless you want to blow up your family, marriage and potentially career.

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Turning point

A double life for you is half a life for everyone else.

 

Your household will eventually fall apart. What you propose doing will show up on you like a bad suit. It will be detected - if not for what it is, then for what has been lost. Everyone around you will suffer for who you become.

 

A woman is throwing herself at you. She's going to enjoin you in whatever problems are attached to her, and she may even enjoin your family too.

 

Good luck with that.

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Turning point

LOL. Her wanting to share a hotel room is not the story Human Resources will get when this hits the fan.

 

#MeToo

 

[Disclaimer: I mean no dishonor to the reality of sexual harassment, only to those cheaters who would use anything and anyone including a child or God him/herself to cover up their infidelity and deceit.]

Edited by Turning point
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My wife and I have somewhat different perspectives on love and sex. She can't separate the two. I'm pretty sure I can. Not that this makes things better.

 

In fact, it makes it worse. While it may be fine for you, it is not for your wife. And as such, her’s is the only opinion that matters...

Edited by BaileyB
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Don't let some slutty coworker lead you into losing your family. You will eventually get caught and your great marriage will no longer be.

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Don't let some slutty coworker lead you into losing your family. You will eventually get caught and your great marriage will no longer be.

 

And, you may well lose your job in the process... read these forums, it happens. No job, no wife, no family... and, for what? A moment of “satisfaction” with a woman who means nothing to you. To whom, you mean nothing more than a willing bed partner on a work trip.

 

You are enjoying the fantasy, but you need to come back to the reality of the situation. Why would you even consider such a proposition? What do you stand to gain? Because, you sure have a lot to lose...

 

My friend, whatever you decide will come down to what you value more - your family, keeping the respect of your wife and children, and protecting the life you have stared together... or, your own selfish desire. Chose wisely, your decision may well change the course of rest of your life.

Edited by BaileyB
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Bittersweetie

The question should be: what kind of man do you want to be?

 

A man with integrity, or a man who lies and cheats?

 

A man who treats the ones he cares about with respect, or a man who disrespects his wife, his family, himself?

 

The way your post is worded, you want to go ahead with this and want someone to tell you "it will be fine. It will be okay."

 

I refuse to do that. It will not be okay. It will not be fine. Sleeping with a man who was not my husband was the worst, most hurtful choice I have ever made...for my H, and for myself. I lost all my personal integrity. I lost my self respect. It has taken years of hard work to earn those aspects of myself back.

 

But you do what you want, and damn the consequences, because no one will ever find out. Right?

 

P.S. And with a work colleague? That makes it even worse and dangerous. Seriously, what are you thinking?

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Recipe for disaster. This will play out like every bad script attached to extramarital affairs that start at work.

 

You will meet up with this coworker at a hotel thinking it's just going to a onetime thing that you can get away with. But the sex will be really hot, because even if the coworker isn't particularly skilled or sexy, just the fact that she is new to you and that the act is forbidden and sneaky will make it feel super hot. This will cause you and the coworker to want to repeat the experience. The excitement of the illicit sex will become addictive and lead to feelings of infatuation for one another.

 

Then you will start telling each other your sad stories and complaining about your spouses to one another. Since all the two of you ever do is talk and have sex you will never see the OWs flaws and shortcomings. Instead you will come to believe that she understands you better than your wife and maybe you would be happier with her after all. Everytime you see her she makes you feel good (because all you do with her is talk and have sex, no responsibilities) so you will come to believe that she is better for you than your wife. You and she will begin to express feelings of love for one another.

 

Meanwhile your wife notices a change in you. You are trying to act the same and be the same husband but your wife feels like something is different. She can't put her finger on it but she senses that you have become distant to her somehow. She begins to ask you from time to time if everything is okay. You tell her that everything is fine. She presses, you tell her that you are just tired and work is stressful. This answer satisfies her for a little while but her intuition keeps nagging her in the background. As a result she becomes unhappy and discontented. She begins to start arguments and making demands, looking for what it is she can't name.

 

The stress at home causes you to seek out your affair partner even more. She doesn't nag you or place demands on you. She understands you and always makes you feel good. Wouldn't it be great if every minute of everyday could be like it is with the OW. You and she start fantasizing about a life together. A life filled with hot sex, romance and perfection. Her kids will love you, your kids will love her. Once everyone sees how perfect you are together they will all be so happy for you. Of course you never actually act on this fantasy but because you are now more invested in the OW than your wife and family your daily life becomes grim and dreary. You aren't happy at home because you don't want to be there anymore. Your wife is miserable because she knows you have left her in your heart. Things are getting really complicated because your OW has become increasingly demanding and insecure too. She is actually expecting you to make those fantasies of being together come true. You are getting pressure from both sides and its causing you nothing but confusion and misery. There seems to be no way out.

 

Then the **** hits the fan. Maybe one of the betrayed spouses discovers the affair, maybe your OW tells your wife to force an outcome, maybe your OW becomes pregnant. Whatever happens it will be a spectacular explosion with everyone blown to bits. Your families will be in so much pain, more than you can imagine. Your coworkers will talk about you like you are tabloid fodder. Most likely you or your OW will have to leave the company just to escape the shame and embarrassment. You will turn on each other and she will do her best to make you the bad guy while she plays the victim of a man who lied to her. Whether your marriage ends or recovers your wife will look at you with pain and mistrust for years after and your kids will be hurt and damaged.

 

So if all of that sounds like a good time to you then enjoy your roll in the hay with your coworker.

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ConflictedMan

Logically, this makes perfect sense to me. Emotionally, I'm having a hard time reconciling this with the actions I've been taking so far.

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ConflictedMan
The question should be: what kind of man do

you want to be?

 

A man with integrity, or a man who lies and cheats?

 

A man who treats the ones he cares about with respect, or a man who disrespects his wife, his family, himself?

 

The way your post is worded, you want to go ahead with this and want someone to tell you "it will be fine. It will be okay."

 

I refuse to do that. It will not be okay. It will not be fine. Sleeping with a man who was not my husband was the worst, most hurtful choice I have ever made...for my H, and for myself. I lost all my personal integrity. I lost my self respect. It has taken years of hard work to earn those aspects of myself back.

 

But you do what you want, and damn the consequences, because no one will ever find out. Right?

 

P.S. And with a work colleague? That makes it even worse and dangerous. Seriously, what are you thinking?

 

Thank you for your insight.

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ConflictedMan
Recipe for disaster. This will play out like every bad script attached to extramarital affairs that start at work.

 

<SNIP>

 

Unfortunately, I think you paint a pretty realistic picture of what will likely happen. The hard part is avoiding that train-wreck before it's too late.

 

As you mentioned, excitement is something that messes with your head and it's hard to rationalize actions when your brain is addicted to the excitement.

I'm going to have to muster a way to shut this down in a way where no one gets hurt.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Unfortunately, I think you paint a pretty realistic picture of what will likely happen. The hard part is avoiding that train-wreck before it's too late.

 

As you mentioned, excitement is something that messes with your head and it's hard to rationalize actions when your brain is addicted to the excitement.

I'm going to have to muster a way to shut this down in a way where no one gets hurt.

 

The only people you have to worry about hurting is you, your wife and family. Shut the coworker down and let the chips fall where they may.

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ConflictedMan
How so?

 

10 characters

 

In the abstract, I fully recognize that this is a bad idea. Several others have already pointed out the likely outcomes. What bothers me is why I let things get to this point. What was I thinking ?

 

I certainly had an opportunity to say "thanks but no thanks" at the time it was suggested we get together but I didn't.

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ConflictedMan

For those that did have an affair that wasn't caught or disclosed, how did you feel after the fact?

 

Did it affect your life at home? spouse/kids?

 

My preference is obviously to shut this down ASAP, but I want to know from those that experienced it whether even if it wasn't caught, whether it was something that you regretted and wished never took place in the first place.

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In the abstract, I fully recognize that this is a bad idea. Several others have already pointed out the likely outcomes. What bothers me is why I let things get to this point. What was I thinking ?

 

I certainly had an opportunity to say "thanks but no thanks" at the time it was suggested we get together but I didn't.

 

And that, is the question you need to answer...

 

You’ve talked about the “excitement” of it all... are there other ways to find this excitement that are not self-destructive? Is there a way that you can create this excitement - with your wife? Perhaps, you share a fantasy, or go on an adventurous trip together? Excitement can be found with your wife, you don’t have to turn away from her to find excitement.

 

Many will say, there is also a boost to the ego. Another woman finds you attractive. That’s heady, for some. Take that compliment for what it’s worth, it doesn’t mean that you have to betray your wife and make a decision that may ruin your life.

 

You are lucky friend, you have enough sense to slow this train before you hit the brick wall. Perhaps, counselling is in order to understand what it I should about yourself and your marriage/life that would allow you to be vulnerable to something that would make many say - “thanks, but no thanks” without a moment’s hesitation...

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For those that did have an affair that wasn't caught or disclosed, how did you feel after the fact?

 

Did it affect your life at home? spouse/kids?

 

My preference is obviously to shut this down ASAP, but I want to know from those that experienced it whether even if it wasn't caught, whether it was something that you regretted and wished never took place in the first place.

 

Ah dude, you just need to spend some time reading these boards to realize that most feel like #$@#. Perhaps, some will share their stories with you... if not, start reading.

 

These kind of things rarely stay secret. You may think that you can do it and not be discovered, but you have ABSOLUTELY no control over that. How do you think it will feel to know that another person(s) will have information that could blow up your happy life at any time - and you will always wonder if and when that will happen because you have absolutely no control over the situation...

 

I will only add, it really does come down to the question - “What kind of man do you want to be.” When you look at yourself in the mirror, will you have respect for the man who did something that put the stability of his family at risk, that did something so unbelievably hurtful to the woman he promised to love and keep safe for the rest of her life... Do you want to be the kind of man that your family can be proud to call husband and father? Do you want to live a life of integrity, or not? It’s entirely your decision...

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loversquarrel

Great marriage?? I think not. Just like all of those people who have lived next door to a violent murdering felon "he was such a nice guy, always kept to himself.".

 

You must be bored with some aspect of your marriage. It happens. What you should do though is seek out excitement with your wife rather than with someone else, she's earned it.

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I may be wrong but it seems to me you've no intention of 'closing it down'. Oh you might talk about it but in a few weeks, after the business trip you'll be back talking about how she came on to you after a few drinks and you were powerless to resist :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

 

It's kind of clear to me you're looking for validation, a cheering section but you picked the wrong forum.

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I have been in your exact shoes with a married coworker almost 2 years ago. Myself married as well. It was a 3 week fling starting with him sexting me and it was very exciting for the both of us, the sexual chemistry was definitely there with us both and I think we were both in the fog with wanting each other badly. Then it did happen one time, the opportunity was there and we took it. Our spouses never found out about it, it’s been our little secret. We definitely felt super guilty and I would never do it again. I learned a lot from the experience. I can’t speak for him but I think we both thought about everything we could lose if we’d gotten caught, jobs and family. I just thank God it didn’t go any further. We see each other sometimes at work but it took a long time for me to get over, things were awkward with us for a long time and I just wanted things to go back to normal. I for the longest time could not get over him because I wanted so much more of him. It took me over a year to get over him and seeing him at work made the healing process so much longer and painful.

You need to stop this now! Take it from me and all the other posters giving you good advice. I understand how your feeling but do not get deeper into the fog.

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