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It happened[Was: Inappropriate relationship heading to an affair]


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 3rd February 2019, 7:00 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
Months after I divorced I still felt guilty for having sex with other women. I know I can separate sex and love, but I also know I couldn't handle the guilt of cheating.
Sure. But. Sex after divorce is not cheating. The guilt that you (and Mr. Lucky) felt at that time can properly and appropriately be attributed to all kinds of theories about the psyche and its psychology,
but it does not actually speak to an ability to separate physical sexual gratification from the act of loving sex; so, may not really be useful to the OP.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 7:05 PM   #47
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"hopefully" what does that really mean?
It means I would like to stop my guilt and this proposition before it gets more out of hand but haven't had the opportunity to do so yet.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 7:12 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
Months after I divorced I still felt guilty for having sex with other women. I know I can separate sex and love, but I also know I couldn't handle the guilt of cheating.
So why did you?

The same reason most people cheat, like OP, we get into a fog when someone is giving us attention and missing intimacy, like I was missing it at home with my husband, being together over 25 years and being neglected by him because he has a serious gaming addiction. I never thought I’d ever cheat, like a lot of people never think they would. But the opportunity came up when I was extremely vulnerable and lonely in my marriage. It felt really good to be desired by another guy and lost all self control and I caved.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 3rd February 2019 at 7:51 PM.. Reason: Fixed quote
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Old 3rd February 2019, 7:31 PM   #49
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Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
Thank you for your insight. It's very helpful.

treehugger, how did you cope after the fact especially since you work together? Do you think you're likely to get with him again? Was the first time worth it?
Your welcome, I hope I can help. I did not cope well at all for a long time because it was very emotional for me, I was crazy about him, we knew we couldn’t let it happen again and thank goodness we were both strong, all though we did come close a couple of times afterwards and we did do some sexting here and there but we knew how much was at risk. We officially ended it. I will honestly say I don’t regret it and that one time was worth it for me. I’m sure I’ll get shafted here for that but just being honest. No, we won’t go there again. I’m out of the fog completely and see very clearly now and I do not ever want to go thru those emotions again. My heart was literally aching for months, my blood pressure went up, I had severe anxiety, especially when I was around him. No way, I can’t and won’t put myself through that, I also don’t want to be that person and I don’t want to do that to my marriage. I’ve always been a good honest person with good qualities. I still can’t believe sometimes that it even happened. Him and I have moved on from it and we’re friends at work. I’ll always have a thing for him, my feelings just aren’t as strong anymore but it took a long time to there.

Last edited by treehugger12; 3rd February 2019 at 7:33 PM..
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Old 3rd February 2019, 7:40 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by Ronni_W View Post
Sure. But. Sex after divorce is not cheating. The guilt that you (and Mr. Lucky) felt at that time can properly and appropriately be attributed to all kinds of theories about the psyche and its psychology,
but it does not actually speak to an ability to separate physical sexual gratification from the act of loving sex; so, may not really be useful to the OP.
I understand the dynamic, monogamy is ingrained in some people. while we are all flawed and can fall into situations it's not until some have gone too far do they truly understand. My point is having the ability to separate sex and love doesn't mean you can handle the fallout of betraying your spouse. Those are not necessarily connected, the ability to separate sex and love and actually dealing with the fallout.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 7:44 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by treehugger12 View Post
Your welcome, I hope I can help. I did not cope well at all for a long time because it was very emotional for me, I was crazy about him, we knew we couldnít let it happen again and thank goodness we were both strong, all though we did come close a couple of times afterwards and we did do some sexting here and there but we knew how much was at risk. We officially ended it. I will honestly say I donít regret it and that one time was worth it for me. Iím sure Iíll get shafted here for that but just being honest. No, we wonít go there again. Iím out of the fog completely and see very clearly now and I do not ever want to go thru those emotions again. My heart was literally aching for months, my blood pressure went up, I had severe anxiety, especially when I was around him. No way, I canít and wonít put myself through that, I also donít want to be that person and I donít want to do that to my marriage. Iíve always been a good honest person with good qualities. I still canít believe sometimes that it even happened. Him and I have moved on from it and weíre friends at work. Iíll always have a thing for him, my feelings just arenít as strong anymore but it took a long time to there.
I'm guessing from this your husband is unaware. There is a real danger in romanticizing something that hold such great power of destruction, not to mention your willingness to maintain the relationship in any form. TJ over, sorry.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 7:58 PM   #52
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My point is having the ability to separate sex and love doesn't mean you can handle the fallout of betraying your spouse.
I think that we do agree on this, DKT3. I was saying that since OP is not yet divorced, he may not see his situation as being the same as a person who is divorced yet still feels guilty.
(If that clears it up?)
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Old 3rd February 2019, 9:33 PM   #53
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Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
It means I would like to stop my guilt and this proposition before it gets more out of hand but haven't had the opportunity to do so yet.
I see. Is there a manager or someone else you need to discuss this with first? Who exactly is in charge of your life altering decisions?
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Old 4th February 2019, 12:19 AM   #54
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I see. Is there a manager or someone else you need to discuss this with first? Who exactly is in charge of your life altering decisions?
It's a matter of discussing the matter with the coworker and shutting things down. The plan is to do it tomorrow.
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Old 4th February 2019, 12:38 AM   #55
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The plan is to do it tomorrow.
The more detailed and wordy you try and be in your explanation, the more potential there is to leave some door open.

"I've thought about it and no, wouldn't be good for either of us" would suffice...

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Old 4th February 2019, 12:53 AM   #56
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Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
Logically, this makes perfect sense to me. Emotionally, I'm having a hard time reconciling this with the actions I've been taking so far.
Is the excitement and ego feed worth losing your integrity and family over this?

Think about it - itís so easy for anyone to take a video of you while youíre sleeping and send it to anyone... wife, coworkers, boss.

Hmmm, not a good idea at all.

You are about to ruin your entire life for one or two nights with a tramp who propositioned you?

Dude, tell your wife youíre being tempted and you both need to work hard to improve the marriage! In fact, invite your wife to go with you on the business trip!

Youíre playing with Fire.
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Old 4th February 2019, 12:59 AM   #57
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Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
Not really, it's pretty easy. I'm sorry but I'm married, while I admit I got caught up in the excitement of something new I cant bring myself to betray my wife...done and done
This^^^ seriously!

State exactly what you mean!

Take a stance and be in charge of YOUR life/future!!!

Why do you word things like you don’t have a say - YOU DO!

It’s easy - you just tell the OW NO!

That’s all you need to say = NO!

It’s your job to learn to say no to all women once you’re married. If you want to screw the OW then divorce your wife first. Proper order is key.

Last edited by S2B; 4th February 2019 at 1:03 AM..
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Old 4th February 2019, 2:10 AM   #58
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It's a matter of discussing the matter with the coworker and shutting things down. The plan is to do it tomorrow.
Discussion? This does not require a forum; and "Shutting things down" is what you do when you want to close a nuclear power plant.
All you need to do is say: "No."
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Old 4th February 2019, 2:13 AM   #59
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Why do you word things like you donít have a say - YOU DO!
Because he's as phony as a $3 bill. Tomorrow he'll be telling us "the discussion didn't go quite as I had planned.
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Old 4th February 2019, 4:28 AM   #60
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"Shutting things down" is what you do when you want to close a nuclear power plant.


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