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It happened[Was: Inappropriate relationship heading to an affair]


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 3rd February 2019, 5:39 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by treehugger12 View Post
I have been in your exact shoes with a married coworker almost 2 years ago. Myself married as well. It was a 3 week fling starting with him sexting me and it was very exciting for the both of us, the sexual chemistry was definitely there with us both and I think we were both in the fog with wanting each other badly. Then it did happen one time, the opportunity was there and we took it. Our spouses never found out about it, itís been our little secret. We definitely felt super guilty and I would never do it again. I learned a lot from the experience. I canít speak for him but I think we both thought about everything we could lose if weíd gotten caught, jobs and family. I just thank God it didnít go any further. We see each other sometimes at work but it took a long time for me to get over, things were awkward with us for a long time and I just wanted things to go back to normal. I for the longest time could not get over him because I wanted so much more of him. It took me over a year to get over him and seeing him at work made the healing process so much longer and painful.
You need to stop this now! Take it from me and all the other posters giving you good advice. I understand how your feeling but do not get deeper into the fog.
Thank you for your insight. It's very helpful.

treehugger, how did you cope after the fact especially since you work together? Do you think you're likely to get with him again? Was the first time worth it?
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Old 3rd February 2019, 5:41 PM   #32
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Yeah, there is absolutely NO way this can end well for you. I'm also like your wife--I can't separate love from sex, either. While I understand a lot of people can, to me it's an emotional/spiritual/physical act. I can only imagine the level of betrayal your wife would feel if she found out.

This is not worth risking your job nor an otherwise happy marriage for, especially not with kids in the picture. Set up clear boundaries and avoid alone time with this woman. You better hope this woman isn't nuts and won't retaliate... it's SO much better to extract yourself now before anything has happened.

Figure out what you need from your marriage in order to put the idea of spice back into the bedroom so you're not tempted by cheap propositions from co-workers.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 5:44 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
I don't think this is true. The reason I'm in the forum is that I'm trying to avoid a world of hurt for everyone involved. Often, it's easier said than done so I'm trying to get a reality check so I can just do it.
Not really, it's pretty easy. I'm sorry but I'm married, while I admit I got caught up in the excitement of something new I cant bring myself to betray my wife...done and done
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Old 3rd February 2019, 5:55 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
I'm a long time reader of these forums and should likely know better at this point.

A little background: late thirties man, married for 10 years with two kids. Overall, I have what most would consider to be a great marriage.

A few weeks ago, a coworker of mine [no reporting relationship] put it out there that she's interested in sharing a hotel room at a conference. She's also late thirties with two kids. The implication is pretty clear that she's interested in a having a physical relationship.

We have met privately several times for lunch over the past few months but have never had any kind of inappropriate relationship before. I have never cheated on my wife up to this point. However, I did get caught up in the excitement and novelty of the proposition and agreed to meet in a few weeks.

The past few weeks, I've been feeling very guilty about the whole situation and wondering if it's possible to go through with it and not end up with a mess after the fact.

Anyone have a similar experience where it didn't end in disaster for everyone ?
This has happened to me several times in my life and it sure is exciting, but in the end it does not boil to the love for your wife. It boils down to the respect you have for your wife. Do you respect her enough not to drag home an STD or do you not care? Because I assure you the woman proposing this romp has been around.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 5:57 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
The hard part is avoiding that train-wreck before it's too late.

I'm going to have to muster a way to shut this down in a way where no one gets hurt.
I don't think you could have gotten this far in the scenario without hurting someone already. You just don't see it because you're too busy chasing the other woman.

I have a sense that your mind is already made up and the plans are laid. Are you simply asking for some kind of secret formula to insulate yourself from consequences?

I'm honestly not convinced we aren't already talking about this in the past tense. How did you come to spend so much time reading these forums prior to posting this query?
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Old 3rd February 2019, 6:23 PM   #36
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I don't think this is true. The reason I'm in the forum is that I'm trying to avoid a world of hurt for everyone involved. Often, it's easier said than done so I'm trying to get a reality check so I can just do it.
Wow! Just wow...
"A world of hurt for everyone?" Here's a reality check - you're not the guardian of the galaxy. People can and will get over you. In the end, you have a petty sexual desire and you're selfish. This is a pretty small nut to crack, even for a new squirrels.

You're also wrong about things being "easier said than done." Your wife's attorney will do you over rather easily.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 6:33 PM   #37
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Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
Not really, it's pretty easy. I'm sorry but I'm married, while I admit I got caught up in the excitement of something new I cant bring myself to betray my wife...done and done
Thanks DKT3. I'm hoping I can lead with this next time we talk. Ideally, that will put things to rest.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 6:37 PM   #38
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Originally Posted by Turning point View Post
I don't think you could have gotten this far in the scenario without hurting someone already. You just don't see it because you're too busy chasing the other woman.

I have a sense that your mind is already made up and the plans are laid. Are you simply asking for some kind of secret formula to insulate yourself from consequences?

I'm honestly not convinced we aren't already talking about this in the past tense. How did you come to spend so much time reading these forums prior to posting this query?
The plans were partially laid but can and hopefully will be unwound.

I came across this forum years ago. It struck a nerve with me then which is why that's where I turned when I came across a familiar crossroad.

I can assure you we aren't talking about something that happened in the past, otherwise, we would be having a very different discussion.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 6:41 PM   #39
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My preference is obviously to shut this down ASAP, but I want to know from those that experienced it whether even if it wasn't caught, whether it was something that you regretted
and wished never took place in the first place.
It is such a personal thing that you will never be able to know how you, individually and personally, are going to suffer or rebound from it, until you actually experience it yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
The reason I'm in the forum is that I'm trying to avoid a world of hurt for everyone involved. Often, it's easier said than done so I'm trying to get a reality check so I can just do it.
The 'world of hurt' is potentially much more likely to come if you submit to your basest instincts, without any impulse control.

There is another person, who is posting concurrently (in a different thread), who is also posting that he wants one thing, while his posts clearly indicate that he also wants the opposite.

This is impossible in the reality in which we all currently live -- we simply cannot have it both ways. I do not subscribe to 'black-or-white thinking' when it comes to personal healing and development;
but, in the case of whether or not to start deceiving your wife and lying to yourself, it most definitely is an either/or decision that you have to make.

I don't care, and whatever you take for your own Higher Power does not care what you choose...but you do need to accept that it is an either/or.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 6:44 PM   #40
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Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
The plans were partially laid but can and hopefully will be unwound.
"hopefully" what does that really mean?
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Old 3rd February 2019, 6:47 PM   #41
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Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
Months after I divorced I still felt guilty for having sex with other women.
Six months after my divorce, I spent the night with someone for the first time. And all was good until about 3:00 am, when I woke up with an overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't be there, so strong I silently grabbed my stuff and snuck out.

The mind does funny things...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 3rd February 2019, 6:47 PM   #42
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Originally Posted by Amethyst68 View Post
I may be wrong but it seems to me you've no intention of 'closing it down'.
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Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
I don't think this is true. The reason I'm in the forum is that I'm trying to avoid a world of hurt for everyone involved.
Well now, it doesnít really sound like you have any intention of closing it down when you ask things like this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
For those that did have an affair that wasn't caught or disclosed, how did you feel after the fact?

Did it affect your life at home? spouse/kids?

My preference is obviously to shut this down ASAP, but I want to know from those that experienced it whether even if it wasn't caught, whether it was something that you regretted and wished never took place in the first place.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
treehugger, how did you cope after the fact especially since you work together? Do you think you're likely to get with him again? Was the first time worth it?
That sounds very much like a man who is contemplating an affair, and trying to assess the damage that will occur if/when he gets caught. It sounds like someone who is assessing the risk/reward of the act. It doesnít sound like a man who is concerned about his wifeís feelings, or how this will affect his family... It sounds like a man who is thinking only about himself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
Thanks DKT3. I'm hoping I can lead with this next time we talk. Ideally, that will put things to rest.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
The plans were partially laid but can and hopefully will be unwound.
With all due respect, you donít sound particularly convincing... You donít sound resolute in your decision, which makes me believe...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amethyst68 View Post
In a few weeks, after the business trip you'll be back talking about how she came on to you after a few drinks and you were powerless to resist .
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Last edited by BaileyB; 3rd February 2019 at 6:49 PM..
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Old 3rd February 2019, 6:50 PM   #43
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Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
Six months after my divorce, I spent the night with someone for the first time. And all was good until about 3:00 am, when I woke up with an overwhelming feeling that I shouldn't be there, so strong I silently grabbed my stuff and snuck out.

The mind does funny things...

Mr. Lucky
I'm not ashamed to say, I cried after sex the first time after divorce.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 6:51 PM   #44
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Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
My wife and I have somewhat different perspectives on love and sex. She can't separate the two.
For someone in a committed relationship like marriage, didn't know this was a liability...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 3rd February 2019, 6:58 PM   #45
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Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
My wife and I have somewhat different perspectives on love and sex. She can't separate the two.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
For someone in a committed relationship like marriage, didn't know this was a liability...
Indeed. And since a marriage is a contract between TWO people, it’s difficult to understand how the feelings and opinions of one of those people could be so casually dismissed...

I wonder if OP would be of the same opinion if the shoe was on the other foot, and his loving wife and mother of his two children was having sex with another man...

Last edited by BaileyB; 3rd February 2019 at 7:00 PM..
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