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It happened[Was: Inappropriate relationship heading to an affair]


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 3rd February 2019, 2:03 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
Emotionally, I'm having a hard time reconciling this with the actions I've been taking so far.
How so?

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Old 3rd February 2019, 2:04 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by anika99 View Post
Recipe for disaster. This will play out like every bad script attached to extramarital affairs that start at work.

<SNIP>
Unfortunately, I think you paint a pretty realistic picture of what will likely happen. The hard part is avoiding that train-wreck before it's too late.

As you mentioned, excitement is something that messes with your head and it's hard to rationalize actions when your brain is addicted to the excitement.
I'm going to have to muster a way to shut this down in a way where no one gets hurt.

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Old 3rd February 2019, 2:08 PM   #18
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Unfortunately, I think you paint a pretty realistic picture of what will likely happen. The hard part is avoiding that train-wreck before it's too late.

As you mentioned, excitement is something that messes with your head and it's hard to rationalize actions when your brain is addicted to the excitement.
I'm going to have to muster a way to shut this down in a way where no one gets hurt.
The only people you have to worry about hurting is you, your wife and family. Shut the coworker down and let the chips fall where they may.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 2:10 PM   #19
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How so?

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In the abstract, I fully recognize that this is a bad idea. Several others have already pointed out the likely outcomes. What bothers me is why I let things get to this point. What was I thinking ?

I certainly had an opportunity to say "thanks but no thanks" at the time it was suggested we get together but I didn't.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 2:15 PM   #20
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post affair regret even if not caught?

For those that did have an affair that wasn't caught or disclosed, how did you feel after the fact?

Did it affect your life at home? spouse/kids?

My preference is obviously to shut this down ASAP, but I want to know from those that experienced it whether even if it wasn't caught, whether it was something that you regretted and wished never took place in the first place.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 2:21 PM   #21
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In the abstract, I fully recognize that this is a bad idea. Several others have already pointed out the likely outcomes. What bothers me is why I let things get to this point. What was I thinking ?

I certainly had an opportunity to say "thanks but no thanks" at the time it was suggested we get together but I didn't.
And that, is the question you need to answer...

You’ve talked about the “excitement” of it all... are there other ways to find this excitement that are not self-destructive? Is there a way that you can create this excitement - with your wife? Perhaps, you share a fantasy, or go on an adventurous trip together? Excitement can be found with your wife, you don’t have to turn away from her to find excitement.

Many will say, there is also a boost to the ego. Another woman finds you attractive. That’s heady, for some. Take that compliment for what it’s worth, it doesn’t mean that you have to betray your wife and make a decision that may ruin your life.

You are lucky friend, you have enough sense to slow this train before you hit the brick wall. Perhaps, counselling is in order to understand what it I should about yourself and your marriage/life that would allow you to be vulnerable to something that would make many say - “thanks, but no thanks” without a moment’s hesitation...
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Old 3rd February 2019, 2:30 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by ConflictedMan View Post
For those that did have an affair that wasn't caught or disclosed, how did you feel after the fact?

Did it affect your life at home? spouse/kids?

My preference is obviously to shut this down ASAP, but I want to know from those that experienced it whether even if it wasn't caught, whether it was something that you regretted and wished never took place in the first place.
Ah dude, you just need to spend some time reading these boards to realize that most feel like #$@#. Perhaps, some will share their stories with you... if not, start reading.

These kind of things rarely stay secret. You may think that you can do it and not be discovered, but you have ABSOLUTELY no control over that. How do you think it will feel to know that another person(s) will have information that could blow up your happy life at any time - and you will always wonder if and when that will happen because you have absolutely no control over the situation...

I will only add, it really does come down to the question - “What kind of man do you want to be.” When you look at yourself in the mirror, will you have respect for the man who did something that put the stability of his family at risk, that did something so unbelievably hurtful to the woman he promised to love and keep safe for the rest of her life... Do you want to be the kind of man that your family can be proud to call husband and father? Do you want to live a life of integrity, or not? It’s entirely your decision...
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Old 3rd February 2019, 2:30 PM   #23
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Great marriage?? I think not. Just like all of those people who have lived next door to a violent murdering felon "he was such a nice guy, always kept to himself.".

You must be bored with some aspect of your marriage. It happens. What you should do though is seek out excitement with your wife rather than with someone else, she's earned it.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 3:27 PM   #24
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I may be wrong but it seems to me you've no intention of 'closing it down'. Oh you might talk about it but in a few weeks, after the business trip you'll be back talking about how she came on to you after a few drinks and you were powerless to resist

It's kind of clear to me you're looking for validation, a cheering section but you picked the wrong forum.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 3:58 PM   #25
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I have been in your exact shoes with a married coworker almost 2 years ago. Myself married as well. It was a 3 week fling starting with him sexting me and it was very exciting for the both of us, the sexual chemistry was definitely there with us both and I think we were both in the fog with wanting each other badly. Then it did happen one time, the opportunity was there and we took it. Our spouses never found out about it, it’s been our little secret. We definitely felt super guilty and I would never do it again. I learned a lot from the experience. I can’t speak for him but I think we both thought about everything we could lose if we’d gotten caught, jobs and family. I just thank God it didn’t go any further. We see each other sometimes at work but it took a long time for me to get over, things were awkward with us for a long time and I just wanted things to go back to normal. I for the longest time could not get over him because I wanted so much more of him. It took me over a year to get over him and seeing him at work made the healing process so much longer and painful.
You need to stop this now! Take it from me and all the other posters giving you good advice. I understand how your feeling but do not get deeper into the fog.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 4:04 PM   #26
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Conflicted,
Anika99 spells it out with clarity in post #13.

That could have been word-for-word the story of how my exH blew up our marriage.

I got 6+ months of moods, gaslighting, lies, and downright nastiness until I finally found out what was going on.

He got the divorce papers the next week and was out 3 weeks later. After all that his AP dumped him

Shut this down, and do it now.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 4:05 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by loversquarrel View Post
Great marriage?? I think not. Just like all of those people who have lived next door to a violent murdering felon "he was such a nice guy, always kept to himself.".

You must be bored with some aspect of your marriage. It happens. What you should do though is seek out excitement with your wife rather than with someone else, she's earned it.
^^^ when my MM was grooming me, I asked him, “why would you want to cheat on your wife”? I did try to get him to to think twice about what he was doing, he told me he was bored in his marriage.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 4:21 PM   #28
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Do you want a reality check? Go to an attorney and ask what a divorce will cost you financially, emotionally etc. If you are the self-destructive type then go ahead and do it.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 4:21 PM   #29
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^^^ when my MM was grooming me, I asked him, “why would you want to cheat on your wife”? I did try to get him to to think twice about what he was doing, he told me he was bored in his marriage.
So why did you?

OP, how do you see this playing out should you met up with her?

I will tell you this, most people that cheat mistake thier ability to live with it. You believe you can separate sex from love, I'm sure you can, many men can. However, that isn't the only issue. How do you handle the guilt, some simply aren't equipped.

Months after I divorced I still felt guilty for having sex with other women. I know I can separate sex and love, but I also know I couldn't handle the guilt of cheating.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 5:36 PM   #30
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I may be wrong but it seems to me you've no intention of 'closing it down'. Oh you might talk about it but in a few weeks, after the business trip you'll be back talking about how she came on to you after a few drinks and you were powerless to resist

It's kind of clear to me you're looking for validation, a cheering section but you picked the wrong forum.
I don't think this is true. The reason I'm in the forum is that I'm trying to avoid a world of hurt for everyone involved. Often, it's easier said than done so I'm trying to get a reality check so I can just do it.
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