Jump to content

Caught my husband


loveforlaura7

Recommended Posts

loveforlaura7

Hi, I need your help because I don't know how to manage this situation.

 

I checked my husbands browsing history and one site popped into my eyes. []...when I went to the site, it's a cheating website and stupid from him he had his id and password stored so I went through his messages...he didn't have had yet any date with any woman but it bothers me so much that he even considered creating an account on such a site.

 

Now I don't know what to do-if I confront him, he'll understand I went through his browsing history, hence I am violating his intimacy and for obvious reasons he won't like that. Then, if I don't do anything, I'm afraid he will proceed with well..cheating.

 

Please any advice would be much appreciated.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Move to Infidelity and remove name of commercial site
Link to post
Share on other sites

I’m so sorry, OP. How long have you been married? Do you have any children with this man?

 

In my opinion, you have nothing to feel badly about looking through his browser. What is the worse offence - attempting to cheat or looking through his browser?

 

Personally, I would have no tolerance for this kind of behaviour. Others will say, don’t confront him because he will go underground and you need to collect evidence. If you are newly married and have no children, I would probably have all the evidence I needed to leave...

 

Don’t have children and tie yourself further to a man that you can not trust.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would confront him with what you found. So what about the browsing history. That is a very small offense when compared to his signing up to potentially cheat. You are his wife not some random chick.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Mrs._December
...hence I am violating his intimacy and for obvious reasons he won't like that.

Too bad, so sad.

 

He's violating a hell of a lot more than just your privacy. Let's start with the violation of your sexual health with possible STDs he might pick up. And how about the violation of your wedding vows, and the promises he's made you all these years?

 

Who gives a rat's ass if he feels violated.

 

Lastly, don't be surprised when you find out this likely isn't the first time he's been up to no good.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

OK so you know he is just "looking" at this point and hasn't committed adultery yet. People get curious yes, and not always follow through. IMO he is hesitant. Just have a convo with him about why he is unhappy in his marriage. Say that you notice things seem a little off and would appreciate honesty to make it better. Keeping what you know a secret is to your advantage. It gives you the opportunity to monitor any changes in his activity. Also make note of his behavior like working late a lot, or making excuses to be somewhere, credit card statements, etc.

Edited by smackie9
Link to post
Share on other sites
OK so you know he is just "looking" at this point and hasn't committed adultery yet. People get curious yes, and not always follow through. IMO he is hesitant. Just have a convo with him about why he is unhappy in his marriage. Say that you notice things seem a little off and would appreciate honesty to make it better. Keeping what you know a secret is to your advantage. It gives you the opportunity to monitor any changes in his activity. Also make note of his behavior like working late a lot, or making excuses to be somewhere, credit card statements, etc.

 

 

Sadly, I must (respectfully) disagree with the first point above and agree with the second.

 

 

IMO you should investigate further. Possibly there is nothing more. Possibly this is the tip of the iceberg. Agree that you should do some sleuthing to find out which is actually the case before discussing/confronting.

 

 

Sorry about all this. Hopefully you have indeed nipped this in the bud and can use it as an opportunity to improve things.

Link to post
Share on other sites
40somethingGuy
Hi, I need your help because I don't know how to manage this situation.

 

I checked my husbands browsing history and one site popped into my eyes. []...when I went to the site, it's a cheating website and stupid from him he had his id and password stored so I went through his messages...he didn't have had yet any date with any woman but it bothers me so much that he even considered creating an account on such a site.

 

Now I don't know what to do-if I confront him, he'll understand I went through his browsing history, hence I am violating his intimacy and for obvious reasons he won't like that. Then, if I don't do anything, I'm afraid he will proceed with well..cheating.

 

Please any advice would be much appreciated.

Tell him you are going out with a hot guy you met on Ashley Madison for Valentines Day and see how he reacts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sadly, I must (respectfully) disagree with the first point above and agree with the second.

 

 

IMO you should investigate further. Possibly there is nothing more. Possibly this is the tip of the iceberg. Agree that you should do some sleuthing to find out which is actually the case before discussing/confronting.

 

 

Sorry about all this. Hopefully you have indeed nipped this in the bud and can use it as an opportunity to improve things.

No because once she confronts, he will give her a song and dance of being curious, will delete it, and he will be more careful next time. He will be aware of her snooping so if he was serious enough to follow through he will buy a burner phone, use his computer at work or use private browser so she will never know his doings. I only suggest to keep quiet to do further investigating and get actual proof before confronting him. We are only assuming things at this point, there is no evidence he has cheated. Every case is different. He maybe on the fence, and just might need communication from his wife to get him off that fence. Just because there's a hint of infidelity, doesn't mean one should throw the marriage into the bin...the OP may want to find a way to fix this first. Not everyone cheats for the same reason. It's a tough topic that needs some careful action.

Now if he is a serial cheater, of has cheated, then yes confrontation would be the best approach.

Edited by smackie9
Link to post
Share on other sites

What prompted you to check his browsing history in the first place? Unless you had some suspicions already, it was a massive breach of trust.

Link to post
Share on other sites

At this point he is fanticizing about cheating. Just tell him what you discovered without the guilt trip and figure out what is going wrong with your marriage.

Link to post
Share on other sites
At this point he is fanticizing about cheating.

 

 

We don't know that. This is one site, he may already have been on Tinder or Craigslist or any other site where he can pick up women.

Strange she just happened to pick it up before he had chance to do anything, on this site...

She needs to lay low and keep her eyes and ears open.

The minute she speaks to him is the minute he hides everything from her gaze.

That doesn't mean he will not cheat, that only means he hides his activities so she is unlikely to find out...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

@Smackie9

 

Actually, reading what you said, I think we're basically in agreement. Was not suggesting throwing anything in the bin (unless significant infidelity was discovered, and even then R might be possible if she wishes).

 

Best wishes...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Now I don't know what to do-if I confront him, he'll understand I went through his browsing history, hence I am violating his intimacy and for obvious reasons he won't like that.

 

I'd violate his "intimacy" even further and install a keylogger on his computer, look it up if you're unsure how it works.

 

It's no different than when my kids were teenagers, I tracked their phones at times without them knowing. My need to know they're safe overrode their right to privacy and your marriage is no different.

 

Trust but verify...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi, I need your help because I don't know how to manage this situation.

 

I checked my husbands browsing history and one site popped into my eyes. []...when I went to the site, it's a cheating website and stupid from him he had his id and password stored so I went through his messages...he didn't have had yet any date with any woman but it bothers me so much that he even considered creating an account on such a site.

 

Now I don't know what to do-if I confront him, he'll understand I went through his browsing history, hence I am violating his intimacy and for obvious reasons he won't like that. Then, if I don't do anything, I'm afraid he will proceed with well..cheating.

 

Please any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Sounds like nothing to me, tbh.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I say think things through first. Maybe the signs are their that he's bored, on a disconnect, or unhappy...just you have never really noticed it yet until now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Signing up on a cheating website trumps his right to privacy. No one gives you their password and then expect you not to check it. Save screenshots of his membership, sit him down, ask him to explain it. Don't wait until he dates someone before you confront him specially if you want to save your relationship. Have a list of boundaries that are absolute requirements if you choose the marriage. Counselling should be at the top of the list because something very destructive is going on. Trust is a key element to a successful relationship.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

It could have just been a stupid idea he did on the spur of the moment, especially if there are no messages. People sometimes have impulses. Let the person who hasn't given in to a stupid impulse at least once in their life toss the first bowling ball or whatever the saying is.

 

I do agree that you need to talk with him. How has your sex life been? Does he seem satisfied?

Link to post
Share on other sites
somanymistakes
I'd violate his "intimacy" even further and install a keylogger on his computer, look it up if you're unsure how it works.

 

I'm pretty sure in some jurisdictions you could be arrested for that.

 

Particularly if it's a computer that's ever used for work purposes.

 

As for the OP's problem - it's possible that he's just browsing and fantasizing, but if so, why isn't he telling you about it? If he's intentionally keeping secrets from you, even just about fantasies, that suggests there's something wrong with the relationship.

 

If you think of your spouse as an obstacle, as someone that you have to lie and sneak and go behind the back of, you no longer have a functioning marriage.

 

I would suggest asking him some leading questions about his fantasies, whether he's ever imagined going out to bars and flirting with people or something like that. Don't tell him right away that you know about the website, see if he volunteers it. If he protests that he would NEVER want to flirt with ANYONE but you, then that's a good reason to challenge him based on what you've found.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm pretty sure in some jurisdictions you could be arrested for that.

 

Particularly if it's a computer that's ever used for work purposes.

 

Unless it is indeed a company-issued work laptop, it's joint property, hers as much as it is his. She's not going to be arrested for installing a program on her own computer...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
somanymistakes
Unless it is indeed a company-issued work laptop, it's joint property, hers as much as it is his. She's not going to be arrested for installing a program on her own computer...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

True, installing it alone isn't illlegal, but letting someone use it with a keylogger that they don't know about can be. If it captures passwords which you weren't otherwise privy to, that breaches US federal laws, iirc, because you don't actually have a legal 'right' to your spouse's passwords and accounts.

 

As far as I can tell, if you only use it to capture your spouse writing a love letter in a word processor and then printing it out, you're totally in the clear legally. But if you use it to get access to their secret email accounts and read their private exchanges, the fact that it's 'your' computer doesn't actually give you the right.

 

Similarly, as far as I understand it, it's completely legal to view their browsing history, see what sites they visit, what searches they run, look at anything they may have downloaded and saved onto your computer. But it's not legal to go into their facebook account and read their messages unless they intentionally gave you the password.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...