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Wife texting another married man?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 11th February 2019, 9:45 AM   #16
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When it comes to the invasion of privacy issue, the end justifies the means.

You have a right to know what is going on in your marriage, and your wife sure ain't gonna tell you, so you should use any and all tools you have at your disposal in order to get the truth.

They are using technology against you, texting and selectively deleting messages to make you think you're being paranoid. Now you have tipped them off that you're suspicious, they will be extra careful for a while. You can either go full undercover detective, or pretend to forget about it and wait for them to let their guard down. But if you rug sweep this, you will regret it!
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Old 11th February 2019, 9:48 AM   #17
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on an additional point....the texts that you saw and let's assume the texts up to now have all been harmless...this is very likely a grooming process where it begins innocently but moves to the "not so innocent" phase. You mentioned in your original post that he is known for cheating....best beware...he's got a pattern.
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Old 11th February 2019, 10:21 AM   #18
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DH

If it helps, I will be one more person here at LS who tells you that NO you're not being paranoid and YES this isn't appropriate behavior.

Men and women can and should be friends outside the bounds of marriage. In no way does getting married mean you're cut off forever from all contact with the opposite sex. What marriage means however is that this contact can and should be done in an appropriate manner. Texting furtively in the middle of the night, by the most lenient interpretation of "appropriate", isn't appropriate !

I've mentioned before here at LS that my way of keeping things on the up-and-up with females (whom we know as neighbors, from church, from work, parents of our children's friends) is to #1 mention to Mrs. Dude that I was talking to so-and-so about such-and-such and #2 include the mention of Mrs. Dude in conversations or texts with females with whom I interact . IOW, I talk to other women as if we (Mrs Dude and I) are a pair, and I rarely talk as "I".

I know my method of doing things isn't for everyone, and it might be a bit extreme, but it darn sure keeps things out in the open and as far as I know, Mrs. Dude has never had to worry for one second about whether I have ever done something that would cause her pain.

Maybe you can get your wife to see this point of view and consider that she should adjust her way of doing things so it doesn't cause you emotional pain.
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Old 11th February 2019, 10:33 AM   #19
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Dude, she is totally having at LEAST an emotional affair. Please stop being naive. The texting history was deleted for a reason. She is cheating on you, and you have every reason to be livid.
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Old 11th February 2019, 10:41 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kgcolonel View Post
this is very likely a grooming process where it begins innocently but moves to the "not so innocent" phase.
Yes, that's a very good point. The problem is, she's lying and deleting messages so it has very much moved to the "not so innocent" stage already.

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Originally Posted by The Dude Abides View Post
Maybe you can get your wife to see this point of view and consider that she should adjust her way of doing things so it doesn't cause you emotional pain.
Good idea in many circumstances. But in this case it's gone way beyond that already. The softly softly approach will simply remind his wife that he has his eye on her, that she must be more careful, hide her interactions better, and delete her text history more often. She will take it totally underground, which is the worst thing possible for the OP.
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Old 11th February 2019, 10:50 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by PegNosePete View Post


Good idea in many circumstances. But in this case it's gone way beyond that already. The softly softly approach will simply remind his wife that he has his eye on her, that she must be more careful, hide her interactions better, and delete her text history more often. She will take it totally underground, which is the worst thing possible for the OP.

Good morning Pete

Yes, you're right. I should have clarified that I meant that as a new "standard practice" in the future, but definitely NOT continuing on with this current snake in the grass she is carrying on with on the sly.
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Old 11th February 2019, 11:11 AM   #22
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While it sounds like it wasn't a PA it certainly was a EA even if she really didn't think of it that way. The deleting texts and lying to spare your feelings is a classic rationalization. The fact that the texts weren't explicit doesn't make them less flirtatious. Asking someone about their day or filling them in on weekend plans on the surface isn't. But in this context, it certainly is. It's building a relationship that wasn't there. The return texting because of "not wanting to be rude" is also a weak rationalization.

She liked the attention. I get it, who doesn't like positive attention. The problem is not acknowledging the harm it was causing. She didn't care about your feelings because she didn't see your feelings on this issue as valid. You were being petty and trying to stop her innocent fun.
But you are in the right. As soon as deception starts, nothing good is there.
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Old 11th February 2019, 11:28 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by Disgruntledhubby View Post
To be honest I’m pretty disgusted with myself...
You SHOULD be, but not for the cowardly reasons you claim to be.

Instead, you should be disgusted by your inability to stop being a welcome mat she wipes her feet on every single day. The woman continually disrespects you and you sit there asking nicely for her to stop and then when she basically tells you to **** off and die, you wonder if you went too far.

Seriously????

You need to start taking control and stop being so weak-willed. I don't know one single woman who respects a passive, wimpy man she can control. Not ONE.
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Old 11th February 2019, 12:32 PM   #24
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Since she has been acting shady and untrusting - every single thing she does should be to rebuild the trust she has ruined.

Stop taking the blame for HER sh_tty behavior. She is mean and cruel for trying to turn this on you!


Check the phone bill to see how much she has been texting him.


And read that book. If it’s not an affair it was well on the way emotionally.

Last edited by S2B; 11th February 2019 at 12:35 PM..
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Old 11th February 2019, 12:50 PM   #25
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WAKE UP! Your wife is engaged in an Emotional Affair (EA). She lied to you. HE lied to you. (Did you really believe him when he said they were "just friends"??) You are being way too naive. You were entirely justified in snooping, and you need to keep your mouth shut and eyes/ears open. You will find that they are still in contact.

I'll bet you money it also turned physical. You can NOT assume it didn't. Read through the Infidelity section; it's full of stories just like yours that turned out to be PAs.
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Old 11th February 2019, 1:22 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Disgruntledhubby View Post
I only checked her phone once after the night she snuck out of the room to text,
Since they might I have been checking her active status at night st the weekends out of paranoia.
You're also overlooking the multitude of other ways affair partners can communicate - pay-as-you-go "burner" phones, FB Messenger, apps, etc.

People lie to protect those things important to them. And you've just been given a reading of his importance relative to yours...

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Old 11th February 2019, 1:29 PM   #27
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If it were just friends those texts wouldn’t be deleted right?

So get transcripts of those friendly texts from the phone company and find out exactly why she needed to hide the texts from you!

Stop being so weak!

SHE should be apologizing! And if she’s not then she should be required to pack a bag and leave within ten minutes!

No consequences for inappropriate marital behavior means she will continue contact with him - betraying you and the marriage even further.

Sit her down and explain to her that you are going any further with her if she intends to betray you in the marriage.

Listen while she either commits to never acting this way again or chooses the other man to continue with. If she insists on continuing then make her pack a bag and go.

Do NOT beg or plead for her to stay while she’s carrying on an inappropriate affair (“friendship?”) with another man!!!
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Old 11th February 2019, 1:38 PM   #28
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Wake up bud. Sending prayers for you to see this as it is.
I get it, its hard, you think up excuses for them and cling to such obvious lies.
Wake up and work to free yourself from her ongoing infidelity.
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Old 11th February 2019, 6:59 PM   #29
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They are not just friends, OP.

You know it, she knows it, and her married crush definitely knows it. You would be incredibly foolish to take a known cheater's word for it and to believe he is going to now knock it off.

He fed you lines he knew you'd want to hear, and you bought it. Hook, line, sinker. He knew exactly what to say to get you to back off your wife, and it worked like a charm. He wants in her pants and this ain't his first rodeo. He knows how to put a suspicious husband in his place.

Wake up, my guy. You are being played for a fool by both of them.
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Old 11th February 2019, 7:16 PM   #30
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As a known cheater he probably groomed her, but she may have sought him out.
Finding people to cheat with can be difficult and scary (fear of being found out), so approaching a guy who has cheated before is probably a pretty safe bet...
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