What's a 'good' man/husband to you?

[Missedmistress]

My ex (male) and I (female) share a lot about our relationships, like no filter, he helped me through my A situation recently. We're both married and our relationship was 16 yrs ago, so we really are just friends. Our spouses know that we talk/meet, probably not happy about it but it's been so long, there is no drama. It's really good to have a close male friend who doesn't want to have sex with you, I enjoy the perspective.

 

Anyway, I think some people are in deep, deep denial about themselves, him being one of them. I talked to him last week and he almost made me question staying in my own marriage, until I realized he is in deep denial about himself and was projecting his own values on to me, that I don't share (no wonder this thing didn't work out in between us 16 yrs ago.)

 

Basically, I was complaining that after my infidelity things have been looking up between H and I (we kinda fixed our DB), except the financial part, that's always been a source of tension. My H is extremely smart, educated and he wants to work in his line of work but jobs are hard to come by in our area where my job is (which pays $$$), so he is often out of work or doesn't get paid for work (he writes books, not like he is sitting playing video games all day). My friend was horrified at this, how can I let H take advantage of me, what kind of a man is he? etc.

 

So little background on my friend: he tells me that he cheats on his wife all the time (ONS) and has a steady lover too, no emotional attachment. He did fall for another woman and almost left his marriage (I talked him out of it back then), lasted for 6 years, real agony for him.

 

Anyway, the point is, he tells me that he LOVES his wife, he has the best sex ever with her (thanks, although I guess he is right, we weren't great in that department haha) and talks to me at length about how wonderful she is.

 

I'm telling him, you hear yourself, right?? If she knew half what you're doing to her, she'd be annihilated emotionally. He thinks because he is a 'man' who ****s her and brings home the bacon, they have an amazing relationship. How does he not see the utter contradiction in this? It's ALL a lie.

 

Then, he continues to tell me that I should rethink my reconciliation with my H (who is an amazingly good man, great father) because he is not bringing home the dough, and how can he be respected as a man?? Seriously, some people have a really distorted view of what constitute a 'good' marriage/spouse.

 

For a minute I was all riled up, like hell yeah, who does he think he is I'm not going to let anyone freeload like my Dad did with my Mum (it's a real trigger for me). Then I just put myself into his W's shoes for a minute...and I was like, yeah, I think I'm ok.

 

Maybe this is the wrong board for this but just needed to write it down.

[PegNosePete]

It's really good to have a close male friend who doesn't want to have sex with you

So why is he trying to break you and your husband up, then? Seems to me, he's trying to line you up as other woman number 3 or is it 4. Break your marriage, oh here's a shoulder to cry on, I'll be right over...

 

Never mind what his wife would think if she could hear him. What would your husband think if he could see you, continuing a friendship with a guy who is actively trying to break your marriage?

 

Time to give this jerk the boot, and HARD.

[Missedmistress]

So why is he trying to break you and your husband up, then? Seems to me, he's trying to line you up as other woman number 3 or is it 4. Break your marriage, oh here's a shoulder to cry on, I'll be right over...

 

Never mind what his wife would think if she could hear him. What would your husband think if he could see you, continuing a friendship with a guy who is actively trying to break your marriage?

 

Time to give this jerk the boot, and HARD.

 

Oh he is way up in the double if not triple digits in his cheating on his wife, it's abnormal but he is a musician so it's 'accepted' in his circle.

 

Yeah, I think it might be time I boot him. He is so broken and I think I can't continue my relationship with anyone who promotes cheating, if I am to better myself, which I am trying to do. His advice was to me after it ended with AP and I was heartbroken to try to find someone to have sex with to make me feel better, how could that help anyone??

 

As for shoulder to cry on, since he has no moral compass at all when it comes to cheating (he cheated on me too, but I did too so I'm not trying to be saint here) I'm pretty sure he wouldn't say no but having sex with him would feel like I'm having sex with my brother so NEVER gonna happen.

[Mr. Lucky]

my H (who is an amazingly good man, great father)

 

It would seem you H is a 'good' man/husband, based on your description.

 

Wonder why that's not enough for you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Missedmistress]

Wonder why that's not enough for you?

 

Who said it's not good enough for me? My post was about, in a moment of crisis, turning to someone who is obviously disillusioned about his own life, giving out relationship advice to me, who is struggling to find their way back to their marriage after an affair. I just needed to vent about it.

 

Making me feel I'm a chump for being the sole breadwinner. And he is not the only one, my own mother would give me this sometimes too, when you got family and friends like this, who needs enemies?

 

There are a LOT of background details to my infidelity but it has nothing to do with how wonderful or not my H is, it has all to do with me, I won't go into all of it here, so let's leave it at that.

[norudder]

I wonder what a good woman/wife is to you?

 

Is it someone who's first thought on whether to sleep with her exbf "friend" is how good it would be, not about devoted love and commitment to her good husband.

[elaine567]

Making me feel I'm a chump for being the sole breadwinner. And he is not the only one, my own mother would give me this sometimes too, when you got family and friends like this, who needs enemies?

 

Due to your infidelity, do you feel you somehow owe it to your husband to carry him through his periods of unemployment and unpaid for work?

[Missedmistress]

Due to your infidelity, do you feel you somehow owe it to your husband to carry him through his periods of unemployment and unpaid for work?

 

There may be some truth to that but this spans way back to before infidelity, in fact one of the reasons I grew to resent him over the years.

 

[before everyone jumps to attack me for this comment, I do NOT justify my infidelity with the above, I hold myself accountable for that, so hold your keyboards.]

[Missedmistress]

I wonder what a good woman/wife is to you?

 

Is it someone who's first thought on whether to sleep with her exbf "friend" is how good it would be, not about devoted love and commitment to her good husband.

 

OMG, seriously! I was trying to compare the thought to incest and I guess it can still be used against me.

[CantGetEnuff]

OP,

 

IMO you have a really weird dynamic going on with this dude. Hell, even without your past joint romantic history (which is a bit "even without"), you'd still have a friend who is dumping a LOT of his dirty laundry on you. Maybe he just needs to vent, or likes bragging, but most people who step out don't admit everything sooo explicitly to others. Maybe he thinks he'll impress you with all of his adventures? Maybe he just likes to brag? I don't know. Do you feel guilty hiding all of his secrets? Do you know his wife at all?

 

But the real kicker is him trying to undermine your own marriage during your private one-on-ones. I mean, this is not going to end well whatever happens.

 

What do you get out of this relationship? I'm curious. You think of him as a "brother" so there's no romance or attraction, and his behavior obviously disgusts you, so what is the reason for keeping this going?

[elaine567]

He sounds like a real life soap opera.

I can see the attraction in keeping intermittently in touch with such a guy, he is no doubt full of interesting stories.

[Missedmistress]

He sounds like a real life soap opera.

I can see the attraction in keeping intermittently in touch with such a guy, he is no doubt full of interesting stories.

 

Yep, that certainly is entertaining, or has been until recently when he thought about dishing out some life advice.

[Missedmistress]

What do you get out of this relationship? I'm curious. You think of him as a "brother" so there's no romance or attraction, and his behavior obviously disgusts you, so what is the reason for keeping this going?

 

I've known him since I was 15, and since I moved away from my home country a long time ago, he keeps me connected to this group of friends, who were my circle for 10+ years, and infidelity is not all we talk about by the way and our interactions are not that frequent. He just happened to play a gig in the country I live now so we met up last week.

 

I guess, his stories didn't bother me before but now, as I'm trying to rebuild my marriage after my own infidelity, it does bother me that he is so blaze about it.

 

And that he doesn't see my H is not even in the same ball park as him (poor or not) as far as good husbands go. But he won't admit it to himself, because that would mean self-inspection, and that baby will not be pretty for him. I know from my own experience...

Edited February 1, 2019 by Missedmistress

[BaileyB]

Yep, that certainly is entertaining, or has been until recently when he thought about dishing out some life advice.

 

That’s the beautiful thing though. You can say, “thank you for your opinion. I could not disagree with you more...” and continue on with your own life...

 

And, I would say that his advice to simply find another affair partner to ease your heartbreak after the end of your affair shows a lot about his character and how he lives his life... it’s not exactly advice that I myself would consider.

[loversquarrel]

A good man or husband to me is a guy who is confident enough in himself to leave a toxic marriage.

 

So how does working hard to repair your marriage include keeping a male friend around who undermines your marriage and disrespects your husband? I guess maybe your husband isn't good enough to respect by keeping that turd friend of yours around.

[Turning point]

You're ex is very TOXIC person and you're foolish to be hanging out with him like this. You can't see this however, because it's like a smoking habit - it will kill you slowly from the inside. For a moment, you were outraged: "Hell yeah, what kind of man is my husband." That's a hacking cough. How many of your other symptoms have gone unnoticed?

 

Your say your spouse has learned to be cool with this. I can assure you that despite having acquiesced he too, is being poisoned by second hand smoke.

 

Are you trying to live vicariously through your exBF? You've cheated on him in the past, you've cheated on your husband (?) and you maintain this relationship with a man who cheats as easily as he pours his morning coffee?

Edited February 3, 2019 by Turning point

[anika99]

Geez I dont know where to start with this.

 

First off all your friend does want to have sex with you. He doesn't respect women and he sees all women as possible opportunities for sex. He doesn't waste his time talking to women he wouldn't screw. If you want to put this to the test just offer him a chance to have no strings attached sex with you. I bet he doesn't turn you down your offer.

 

Secondly if your goal is to stay married and reconcile with your husband then you have no business complaining about your husband to another man. That is disloyal and disrespectful to your husband all on it's own. You say your husband accepts it though not happily. Well his happiness should be important to you and after infidelity your primary goal should be to help him feel secure. You are doing the total opposite of that by talking about your husband negatively to another man.

 

Lastly there is a bible verse that is along the lines of "you can't help remove a sliver from your friend's eye when there is a board in your own. Meaning you should not be concerning yourself with what's wrong with your friend and his marriage right now as you have enough of your own issues to deal with.

 

This friend has to go. If you need outside perspective then go to marriage counseling or talk to someone who knows your husband and who has e everyone's best interests in mind, not just yours. DO NOT put your husband down to another man, especially not an boyfriend who has no respect for marriage.

[BaileyB]

First off all your friend does want to have sex with you. He doesn't respect women and he sees all women as possible opportunities for sex. He doesn't waste his time talking to women he wouldn't screw. If you want to put this to the test just offer him a chance to have no strings attached sex with you. I bet he doesn't turn you down your offer.

 

Secondly if your goal is to stay married and reconcile with your husband then you have no business complaining about your husband to another man. That is disloyal and disrespectful to your husband. Well his happiness should be important to you and after infidelity your primary goal should be to help him feel secure. You are doing the total opposite of that by talking about your husband negatively to another man.

 

As always anika, the voice of wisdom. Brilliant.

[Adotta]

I'm with most of the posters here..... why are you even talking to this man? He puts your husband down and compares your husband to himself.

 

 

He is an ex boyfriend. You shouldn't be really communicating with ex's on the regular if not at all ESPECIALLY when you have a past of infidelity. You say you talk to him just a little and mostly to stay in contact with you circle of friends..... WHY IS HE THE GATEKEEPER TO THOSE FRIENDS? And based on his interactions with you so far he shouldn't be someone you want to talk with AT ALL!! He has shown himself to be a POS and someone who want to talk you back into infidelity. You should have told him he is a piece of crap and that he shouldn't ever speak about your husband like that.

 

 

Let me guess.... your husband wasn't told the contents of what you two talked about. Am I right?

 

 

 

 

You shouldn't be having deep and emotional talks with men period!! Let alone talks about your marriage and issues in it!!!

 

 

Have you ever read the book not just friends? Read it. Multiple times if you need to.

 

 

Why is it ok in your mind to hang out with or communicate with a man when your husband is obviously not ok with it? Do you honestly respect him so little? Is your desire for male companionship outside your marriage so overpowering that your husband's feeling don't mean anything to you?

 

 

THIS IS WAYWARD BEHAVIOR. PERIOD. You can convince yourself you will or would never cross the line with this guy because he is like a brother to you and that would be like incest in your mind ( I've never known any brother and sister to have slept with eachother in the past ) But what about other men? What about the next male friend that comes along. Let me tell you.... they always feel like brothers...... until they don't anymore. Right up in till you are playing tonsil hockey or talking about how GREAT they are and you wish your husband was more like them. Right up until you are both sending heart emojis and kissy faces at eachother.

 

 

now onto your husband. He shouldn't allow this. He shouldn't be ok with this. He should have drawn up dovorce paperwork instead of sulkingly allowing this CRAP! THAT IS WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE. If your friendship meant so much with another man that you where capable of basicly telling me to go shovel crap if I don't like it or you tried manipulating me into accepting it..... I WOULD BE GONE! WITH A SMILE ON. FLIPPING YOU OFF THE WHOLE WAY!

 

 

If you care for HIM at all I suggest you buy him two books. No More Mr. Nice guy and The Married man sex life primer. He needs to get his **** together. Any man with some self respect and a spine would have cut this behavior out and ripped the roots up.

 

 

 

I really believe the problem with this whole equation is your lack of respect for your husband and his lack of fortitude and backbone. You have said before your husband is a good man. I believe he just needs the tools to handle you properly. I don't say that in a condescending or patriarchal way, but men these days have a warped view of marriage and relationships. I believe your husband thinks relationships are about the man lavishing love and understanding and kindness on the woman. That's only a part of it. He needs to grow a pair of balls if he ever wants your respect and if you ever want to feel attraction and respect for HIM again you will help him do this by gifting him the two books I recommended.

 

 

Your marriage dynamic is all screwed up. Get it together. Your a drug addict hanging around her drug of choice telling the world and more importantly yourself it's ok because you're better now. IT'S NOT OK!! YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE.

 

 

 

Do you hang out or talk with any other men as well like you do this ex boyfriend?

 

 

Also your thread title is asking about what other consider a good man/husband..... shouldn't you have a good example you are sleeping next to almost every night? This all just keeps coming back to me thinking you simply don't think your husband is good enough. Manly enough. Sexy enough. Assertive enough. Smart enough. Doesn't earn enough money..... WHATEVER IT IS YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE HAPPY WITH HIM.

 

 

You need to fix the dynamic of your relationship radically. It's for your own good. You keep wondering why you can't seem to fall back in love with your husband. I think it's because you don't allow him to be the husband every woman REALLY wants but won't admit to and he won't step up and simply tell you enough is enough and be that man.

 

I'm sorry if my post seems aggressive, but it is frustrating to see you circle around a problem making the same mistakes over and over and over while doing almost nothing to fix them. Besides not being in an physical affair what changes to the dynamic of your marriage and life have you actually made?

 

 

Give him the books. Read not just friends. Grow some respect for your husband.

Edited February 4, 2019 by Adotta

[JAG_03]

as a man I will say this- A good husband/ man is a Man who never hits a woman, He provides for his family, he is firm but fair with his children, he is monogamous with the women he vowed with, he has integrity, honor and compassion.

 

I have 3 daughters- so I always said to myself- my daughters will accept from a man what their mother accepts from me. SO if I treat my wife like trash my daughters will accept that- that is my mantra.

[Thegameoflife]

"He thinks because he is a 'man' who ****s her and brings home the bacon, they have an amazing relationship. How does he not see the utter contradiction in this? It's ALL a lie."

 

People love delusions. That's why everyone loves the concept of God. The alternative to God, is understanding that reality is nothing more than a delusional world created out of the expansion of consciousness. This was too hard to grasp, so basically they took this concept, made various personified deities, and formed religions. Basically, it's a tactic of creating a stabilized perception of reality to create large scale cohesive societies.

 

Basically, your ex is a good husband. He's providing his wife with the life that she wants to believe she has. Just think of the efforts he goes through to give her that life, while trying to deal with his personal shortcomings as a serial cheater. She has the life she wants, he has the life he wants, and really, as long as she either never looks to close, are they not happy?

 

Really, is this any different than Santa Claus? A total lie about a magical person so that kids can experience happiness and wonder. For many, these happy lies are the best memories they have about life.

 

For me, I live in the dark world every single day. I know all the things going on, the real state of the world, and people can't lie to me. I know all the terrible, and have since I was a child. Do you understand how by simply adopting a happy perspective, I essentially rationalized your husband as a good man, and made the world seem a little less terrible?