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What's a 'good' man/husband to you?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 3rd February 2019, 11:48 AM   #16
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You're ex is very TOXIC person and you're foolish to be hanging out with him like this. You can't see this however, because it's like a smoking habit - it will kill you slowly from the inside. For a moment, you were outraged: "Hell yeah, what kind of man is my husband." That's a hacking cough. How many of your other symptoms have gone unnoticed?

Your say your spouse has learned to be cool with this. I can assure you that despite having acquiesced he too, is being poisoned by second hand smoke.

Are you trying to live vicariously through your exBF? You've cheated on him in the past, you've cheated on your husband (?) and you maintain this relationship with a man who cheats as easily as he pours his morning coffee?

Last edited by Turning point; 3rd February 2019 at 11:59 AM..
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Old 3rd February 2019, 2:34 PM   #17
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Geez I dont know where to start with this.

First off all your friend does want to have sex with you. He doesn't respect women and he sees all women as possible opportunities for sex. He doesn't waste his time talking to women he wouldn't screw. If you want to put this to the test just offer him a chance to have no strings attached sex with you. I bet he doesn't turn you down your offer.

Secondly if your goal is to stay married and reconcile with your husband then you have no business complaining about your husband to another man. That is disloyal and disrespectful to your husband all on it's own. You say your husband accepts it though not happily. Well his happiness should be important to you and after infidelity your primary goal should be to help him feel secure. You are doing the total opposite of that by talking about your husband negatively to another man.

Lastly there is a bible verse that is along the lines of "you can't help remove a sliver from your friend's eye when there is a board in your own. Meaning you should not be concerning yourself with what's wrong with your friend and his marriage right now as you have enough of your own issues to deal with.

This friend has to go. If you need outside perspective then go to marriage counseling or talk to someone who knows your husband and who has e everyone's best interests in mind, not just yours. DO NOT put your husband down to another man, especially not an boyfriend who has no respect for marriage.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 2:54 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anika99 View Post
First off all your friend does want to have sex with you. He doesn't respect women and he sees all women as possible opportunities for sex. He doesn't waste his time talking to women he wouldn't screw. If you want to put this to the test just offer him a chance to have no strings attached sex with you. I bet he doesn't turn you down your offer.

Secondly if your goal is to stay married and reconcile with your husband then you have no business complaining about your husband to another man. That is disloyal and disrespectful to your husband. Well his happiness should be important to you and after infidelity your primary goal should be to help him feel secure. You are doing the total opposite of that by talking about your husband negatively to another man.
As always anika, the voice of wisdom. Brilliant.
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Old 4th February 2019, 2:09 AM   #19
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I'm with most of the posters here..... why are you even talking to this man? He puts your husband down and compares your husband to himself.


He is an ex boyfriend. You shouldn't be really communicating with ex's on the regular if not at all ESPECIALLY when you have a past of infidelity. You say you talk to him just a little and mostly to stay in contact with you circle of friends..... WHY IS HE THE GATEKEEPER TO THOSE FRIENDS? And based on his interactions with you so far he shouldn't be someone you want to talk with AT ALL!! He has shown himself to be a POS and someone who want to talk you back into infidelity. You should have told him he is a piece of crap and that he shouldn't ever speak about your husband like that.


Let me guess.... your husband wasn't told the contents of what you two talked about. Am I right?




You shouldn't be having deep and emotional talks with men period!! Let alone talks about your marriage and issues in it!!!


Have you ever read the book not just friends? Read it. Multiple times if you need to.


Why is it ok in your mind to hang out with or communicate with a man when your husband is obviously not ok with it? Do you honestly respect him so little? Is your desire for male companionship outside your marriage so overpowering that your husband's feeling don't mean anything to you?


THIS IS WAYWARD BEHAVIOR. PERIOD. You can convince yourself you will or would never cross the line with this guy because he is like a brother to you and that would be like incest in your mind ( I've never known any brother and sister to have slept with eachother in the past ) But what about other men? What about the next male friend that comes along. Let me tell you.... they always feel like brothers...... until they don't anymore. Right up in till you are playing tonsil hockey or talking about how GREAT they are and you wish your husband was more like them. Right up until you are both sending heart emojis and kissy faces at eachother.


now onto your husband. He shouldn't allow this. He shouldn't be ok with this. He should have drawn up dovorce paperwork instead of sulkingly allowing this CRAP! THAT IS WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE. If your friendship meant so much with another man that you where capable of basicly telling me to go shovel crap if I don't like it or you tried manipulating me into accepting it..... I WOULD BE GONE! WITH A SMILE ON. FLIPPING YOU OFF THE WHOLE WAY!


If you care for HIM at all I suggest you buy him two books. No More Mr. Nice guy and The Married man sex life primer. He needs to get his **** together. Any man with some self respect and a spine would have cut this behavior out and ripped the roots up.



I really believe the problem with this whole equation is your lack of respect for your husband and his lack of fortitude and backbone. You have said before your husband is a good man. I believe he just needs the tools to handle you properly. I don't say that in a condescending or patriarchal way, but men these days have a warped view of marriage and relationships. I believe your husband thinks relationships are about the man lavishing love and understanding and kindness on the woman. That's only a part of it. He needs to grow a pair of balls if he ever wants your respect and if you ever want to feel attraction and respect for HIM again you will help him do this by gifting him the two books I recommended.


Your marriage dynamic is all screwed up. Get it together. Your a drug addict hanging around her drug of choice telling the world and more importantly yourself it's ok because you're better now. IT'S NOT OK!! YOU ARE PLAYING WITH FIRE.



Do you hang out or talk with any other men as well like you do this ex boyfriend?


Also your thread title is asking about what other consider a good man/husband..... shouldn't you have a good example you are sleeping next to almost every night? This all just keeps coming back to me thinking you simply don't think your husband is good enough. Manly enough. Sexy enough. Assertive enough. Smart enough. Doesn't earn enough money..... WHATEVER IT IS YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE HAPPY WITH HIM.


You need to fix the dynamic of your relationship radically. It's for your own good. You keep wondering why you can't seem to fall back in love with your husband. I think it's because you don't allow him to be the husband every woman REALLY wants but won't admit to and he won't step up and simply tell you enough is enough and be that man.

I'm sorry if my post seems aggressive, but it is frustrating to see you circle around a problem making the same mistakes over and over and over while doing almost nothing to fix them. Besides not being in an physical affair what changes to the dynamic of your marriage and life have you actually made?


Give him the books. Read not just friends. Grow some respect for your husband.

Last edited by Adotta; 4th February 2019 at 2:43 AM..
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Old 1st March 2019, 8:54 AM   #20
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as a man I will say this- A good husband/ man is a Man who never hits a woman, He provides for his family, he is firm but fair with his children, he is monogamous with the women he vowed with, he has integrity, honor and compassion.

I have 3 daughters- so I always said to myself- my daughters will accept from a man what their mother accepts from me. SO if I treat my wife like trash my daughters will accept that- that is my mantra.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 4:40 PM   #21
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"He thinks because he is a 'man' who ****s her and brings home the bacon, they have an amazing relationship. How does he not see the utter contradiction in this? It's ALL a lie."

People love delusions. That's why everyone loves the concept of God. The alternative to God, is understanding that reality is nothing more than a delusional world created out of the expansion of consciousness. This was too hard to grasp, so basically they took this concept, made various personified deities, and formed religions. Basically, it's a tactic of creating a stabilized perception of reality to create large scale cohesive societies.

Basically, your ex is a good husband. He's providing his wife with the life that she wants to believe she has. Just think of the efforts he goes through to give her that life, while trying to deal with his personal shortcomings as a serial cheater. She has the life she wants, he has the life he wants, and really, as long as she either never looks to close, are they not happy?

Really, is this any different than Santa Claus? A total lie about a magical person so that kids can experience happiness and wonder. For many, these happy lies are the best memories they have about life.

For me, I live in the dark world every single day. I know all the things going on, the real state of the world, and people can't lie to me. I know all the terrible, and have since I was a child. Do you understand how by simply adopting a happy perspective, I essentially rationalized your husband as a good man, and made the world seem a little less terrible?
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