LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

What's a 'good' man/husband to you?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree7Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 1st February 2019, 7:41 AM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 49
What's a 'good' man/husband to you?

My ex (male) and I (female) share a lot about our relationships, like no filter, he helped me through my A situation recently. We're both married and our relationship was 16 yrs ago, so we really are just friends. Our spouses know that we talk/meet, probably not happy about it but it's been so long, there is no drama. It's really good to have a close male friend who doesn't want to have sex with you, I enjoy the perspective.

Anyway, I think some people are in deep, deep denial about themselves, him being one of them. I talked to him last week and he almost made me question staying in my own marriage, until I realized he is in deep denial about himself and was projecting his own values on to me, that I don't share (no wonder this thing didn't work out in between us 16 yrs ago.)

Basically, I was complaining that after my infidelity things have been looking up between H and I (we kinda fixed our DB), except the financial part, that's always been a source of tension. My H is extremely smart, educated and he wants to work in his line of work but jobs are hard to come by in our area where my job is (which pays $$$), so he is often out of work or doesn't get paid for work (he writes books, not like he is sitting playing video games all day). My friend was horrified at this, how can I let H take advantage of me, what kind of a man is he? etc.

So little background on my friend: he tells me that he cheats on his wife all the time (ONS) and has a steady lover too, no emotional attachment. He did fall for another woman and almost left his marriage (I talked him out of it back then), lasted for 6 years, real agony for him.

Anyway, the point is, he tells me that he LOVES his wife, he has the best sex ever with her (thanks, although I guess he is right, we weren't great in that department haha) and talks to me at length about how wonderful she is.

I'm telling him, you hear yourself, right?? If she knew half what you're doing to her, she'd be annihilated emotionally. He thinks because he is a 'man' who ****s her and brings home the bacon, they have an amazing relationship. How does he not see the utter contradiction in this? It's ALL a lie.

Then, he continues to tell me that I should rethink my reconciliation with my H (who is an amazingly good man, great father) because he is not bringing home the dough, and how can he be respected as a man?? Seriously, some people have a really distorted view of what constitute a 'good' marriage/spouse.

For a minute I was all riled up, like hell yeah, who does he think he is I'm not going to let anyone freeload like my Dad did with my Mum (it's a real trigger for me). Then I just put myself into his W's shoes for a minute...and I was like, yeah, I think I'm ok.

Maybe this is the wrong board for this but just needed to write it down.
Missedmistress is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2019, 9:30 AM   #2
Established Member
 
PegNosePete's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 9,727
Quote:
Originally Posted by Missedmistress View Post
It's really good to have a close male friend who doesn't want to have sex with you
So why is he trying to break you and your husband up, then? Seems to me, he's trying to line you up as other woman number 3 or is it 4. Break your marriage, oh here's a shoulder to cry on, I'll be right over...

Never mind what his wife would think if she could hear him. What would your husband think if he could see you, continuing a friendship with a guy who is actively trying to break your marriage?

Time to give this jerk the boot, and HARD.
__________________
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-- Douglas Adams
PegNosePete is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2019, 10:16 AM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by PegNosePete View Post
So why is he trying to break you and your husband up, then? Seems to me, he's trying to line you up as other woman number 3 or is it 4. Break your marriage, oh here's a shoulder to cry on, I'll be right over...

Never mind what his wife would think if she could hear him. What would your husband think if he could see you, continuing a friendship with a guy who is actively trying to break your marriage?

Time to give this jerk the boot, and HARD.
Oh he is way up in the double if not triple digits in his cheating on his wife, it's abnormal but he is a musician so it's 'accepted' in his circle.

Yeah, I think it might be time I boot him. He is so broken and I think I can't continue my relationship with anyone who promotes cheating, if I am to better myself, which I am trying to do. His advice was to me after it ended with AP and I was heartbroken to try to find someone to have sex with to make me feel better, how could that help anyone??

As for shoulder to cry on, since he has no moral compass at all when it comes to cheating (he cheated on me too, but I did too so I'm not trying to be saint here) I'm pretty sure he wouldn't say no but having sex with him would feel like I'm having sex with my brother so NEVER gonna happen.
Missedmistress is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2019, 11:58 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 13,417
Quote:
Originally Posted by Missedmistress View Post
my H (who is an amazingly good man, great father)
It would seem you H is a 'good' man/husband, based on your description.

Wonder why that's not enough for you?

Mr. Lucky
__________________
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
Mr. Lucky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2019, 12:16 PM   #5
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
Wonder why that's not enough for you?
Who said it's not good enough for me? My post was about, in a moment of crisis, turning to someone who is obviously disillusioned about his own life, giving out relationship advice to me, who is struggling to find their way back to their marriage after an affair. I just needed to vent about it.

Making me feel I'm a chump for being the sole breadwinner. And he is not the only one, my own mother would give me this sometimes too, when you got family and friends like this, who needs enemies?

There are a LOT of background details to my infidelity but it has nothing to do with how wonderful or not my H is, it has all to do with me, I won't go into all of it here, so let's leave it at that.
Missedmistress is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2019, 12:40 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 451
I wonder what a good woman/wife is to you?

Is it someone who's first thought on whether to sleep with her exbf "friend" is how good it would be, not about devoted love and commitment to her good husband.
norudder is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2019, 12:42 PM   #7
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 16,592
Quote:
Originally Posted by Missedmistress View Post
Making me feel I'm a chump for being the sole breadwinner. And he is not the only one, my own mother would give me this sometimes too, when you got family and friends like this, who needs enemies?
Due to your infidelity, do you feel you somehow owe it to your husband to carry him through his periods of unemployment and unpaid for work?
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2019, 12:57 PM   #8
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Due to your infidelity, do you feel you somehow owe it to your husband to carry him through his periods of unemployment and unpaid for work?
There may be some truth to that but this spans way back to before infidelity, in fact one of the reasons I grew to resent him over the years.

[Before everyone jumps to attack me for this comment, I do NOT justify my infidelity with the above, I hold myself accountable for that, so hold your keyboards.]
Missedmistress is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2019, 1:00 PM   #9
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by norudder View Post
I wonder what a good woman/wife is to you?

Is it someone who's first thought on whether to sleep with her exbf "friend" is how good it would be, not about devoted love and commitment to her good husband.
OMG, seriously! I was trying to compare the thought to incest and I guess it can still be used against me.
Missedmistress is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2019, 2:02 PM   #10
Established Member
 
CantGetEnuff's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: US
Posts: 172
OP,

IMO you have a really weird dynamic going on with this dude. Hell, even without your past joint romantic history (which is a bit "even without"), you'd still have a friend who is dumping a LOT of his dirty laundry on you. Maybe he just needs to vent, or likes bragging, but most people who step out don't admit everything sooo explicitly to others. Maybe he thinks he'll impress you with all of his adventures? Maybe he just likes to brag? I don't know. Do you feel guilty hiding all of his secrets? Do you know his wife at all?

But the real kicker is him trying to undermine your own marriage during your private one-on-ones. I mean, this is not going to end well whatever happens.

What do you get out of this relationship? I'm curious. You think of him as a "brother" so there's no romance or attraction, and his behavior obviously disgusts you, so what is the reason for keeping this going?
__________________
If you don't like what's being said, change the conversation.
CantGetEnuff is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2019, 2:11 PM   #11
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 16,592
He sounds like a real life soap opera.
I can see the attraction in keeping intermittently in touch with such a guy, he is no doubt full of interesting stories.
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2019, 2:37 PM   #12
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
He sounds like a real life soap opera.
I can see the attraction in keeping intermittently in touch with such a guy, he is no doubt full of interesting stories.
Yep, that certainly is entertaining, or has been until recently when he thought about dishing out some life advice.
Missedmistress is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st February 2019, 2:46 PM   #13
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 49
Quote:
Originally Posted by CantGetEnuff View Post
What do you get out of this relationship? I'm curious. You think of him as a "brother" so there's no romance or attraction, and his behavior obviously disgusts you, so what is the reason for keeping this going?
I've known him since I was 15, and since I moved away from my home country a long time ago, he keeps me connected to this group of friends, who were my circle for 10+ years, and infidelity is not all we talk about by the way and our interactions are not that frequent. He just happened to play a gig in the country I live now so we met up last week.

I guess, his stories didn't bother me before but now, as I'm trying to rebuild my marriage after my own infidelity, it does bother me that he is so blaze about it.

And that he doesn't see my H is not even in the same ball park as him (poor or not) as far as good husbands go. But he won't admit it to himself, because that would mean self-inspection, and that baby will not be pretty for him. I know from my own experience...

Last edited by Missedmistress; 1st February 2019 at 2:53 PM..
Missedmistress is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd February 2019, 8:53 AM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 8,110
Quote:
Originally Posted by Missedmistress View Post
Yep, that certainly is entertaining, or has been until recently when he thought about dishing out some life advice.
Thatís the beautiful thing though. You can say, ďthank you for your opinion. I could not disagree with you more...Ē and continue on with your own life...

And, I would say that his advice to simply find another affair partner to ease your heartbreak after the end of your affair shows a lot about his character and how he lives his life... itís not exactly advice that I myself would consider.
__________________
If they love you, you will know. If they don't, you will wonder all the time if they do...
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd February 2019, 10:57 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 818
A good man or husband to me is a guy who is confident enough in himself to leave a toxic marriage.

So how does working hard to repair your marriage include keeping a male friend around who undermines your marriage and disrespects your husband? I guess maybe your husband isn't good enough to respect by keeping that turd friend of yours around.
loversquarrel is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I've now been the Scorned husband, Wayward husband, Other Man twice shy Infidelity 14 3rd September 2011 12:30 AM
Good husband, not a good life partner tissue_bear Marriage & Life Partnerships 14 12th March 2010 2:49 PM
Where Can a Good Black Woman Find A Good White Man? All Star Dating 91 23rd October 2008 10:18 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:46 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.