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I'm addicted to women and need to hold myself accountable.


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 31st January 2019, 2:49 PM   #46
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What happens if one day your wife bumps into one of your mistresses at a grocery store, the salon, on the internet, at a girl's night?

Or when one of the mistresses/women you've hooked up with decides to find your wife and tell her about your actions?

Do you think you are immune to this?

Or what if you have an STD that you've unknowingly shared with your wife?
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Old 31st January 2019, 4:02 PM   #47
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BMI03, that's a lot to take in, and I read it all. Thank you for putting so much thought into my situation.

I am curious about the advice from so many people to tell all. That just makes it 100 percent certain that our family blows up. I mean, it's a given. She would never forgive me in a million years. So Choice A = Family Blows Up

Whereas, if I get myself situated and make good decisions going forward, Choice B could = Happy Family.

I realize I am making her decision for her, but maybe ignorance is better here. Think of it like this, let's say you love your mother but she had a huge secret that would make you remember her very differently (in a negative way). Let's say that she cheated on your father for years.

Would you REALLY want to know that about her, as opposed to being able to remember her for all of her good qualities? Would good would it do to expose all?

And when does the statute of limitations expire on bad behavior? Let's say that a couple has been married for 20 years. The wife cheated on the husband in the second year of their marriage. She has been faithful for 18 years and they have been happy. Would people STILL be telling her to confess the affair and come clean, even if it were likely to lead to a divorce?

Does the truth really trump everything else always? That's a legitimate question by the way.

I realize I am nowhere near the example above as far as time goes, but let's say I turn myself around and have a totally clean 2019. And 2020. What if I am a perfect husband for the next 5 years? Would people still want me to rip it all apart over things that have already happened and that I cannot change?
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Old 31st January 2019, 4:05 PM   #48
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BTW, I have not picked up my phone once today other than to text with my wife and a couple (male) friends. No inappropriate behavior whatsoever. I know that might not seem impressive, and I know the day isn't over, but I feel like if I can string some days like this together, I can make some progress.
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Old 31st January 2019, 4:28 PM   #49
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Originally Posted by CantGetEnuff View Post

I am curious about the advice from so many people to tell all. That just makes it 100 percent certain that our family blows up. I mean, it's a given. She would never forgive me in a million years. So Choice A = Family Blows Up

Whereas, if I get myself situated and make good decisions going forward, Choice B could = Happy Family.

I realize I am making her decision for her, but maybe ignorance is better here. Think of it like this, let's say you love your mother but she had a huge secret that would make you remember her very differently (in a negative way). Let's say that she cheated on your father for years.

Would you REALLY want to know that about her, as opposed to being able to remember her for all of her good qualities? Would good would it do to expose all?

And when does the statute of limitations expire on bad behavior? Let's say that a couple has been married for 20 years. The wife cheated on the husband in the second year of their marriage. She has been faithful for 18 years and they have been happy. Would people STILL be telling her to confess the affair and come clean, even if it were likely to lead to a divorce?
Honestly, who does all these examples protect? It's not your wife, she's already been with a man who's slept with many other women. It's not your kids, they've already had a parent willing to put the family at risk.

The affair was in service of your needs, and the cover-up is in service of your needs. Until you decide to no longer be that guy - the lying, cheating one - none of the higher ground you seem so desperate to claim will mean anything.

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Does the truth really trump everything else always?
Ask your wife...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 31st January 2019, 4:40 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by CantGetEnuff View Post
What if I am a perfect husband for the next 5 years?
What if you're not? What if, despite all your good intentions, you have a 'bump in the road' a few weeks or months from now? Will you brush it off as a minor hiccup in the grand scheme of things and keep your wife in the dark?

You're not talking about a random one-off ONS borne of impulse here; you are talking about a lifetime of infidelities of various forms.

Family Blows Up has always been a distinct possibility as a consequence of your actions. It's disrespectful not to tell your spouse; she deserves to know, for millions of reasons, but mainly because it's the truth of her marriage and because it's the right thing to do.
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Old 31st January 2019, 4:46 PM   #51
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I'd ask that people stop posting "Tell your wife" or any variations of that. I'm not doing that, so your time is being wasted. That is not helping anyone.

If you want to actually help me make progress on a daily basis and get my head screwed on straight, please feel free to stick around and talk with me. I would appreciate that VERY much.

Posts I would find helpful...

1) Examples of posters turning it around like I want to do
2) Any recommended tools/mental exercises to help hold myself accountable
3) Positive comments after I report a "good day"
4) Stories about posters' therapy/counseling that proved helpful in this type of situation
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Old 31st January 2019, 5:03 PM   #52
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This is what is known as "white knuckling"

It is not often successful.
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Old 31st January 2019, 5:27 PM   #53
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@op

Seeing as you have this all figured out in your head, why don't you treat this thread as your own personal online blog? Like, you come on here and update us with your "days", we give you high 5s, you give us high 5s, then we all hold our hands together, put them in the air and sing along with Barney the Dinosour! Cleanse and repeat 'till you wife's discovery day! Then we can all play a game called "my wife found out help?".
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Old 31st January 2019, 5:34 PM   #54
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Yes, truth is everything. Without it your marriage has no solid foundation.

But I get that you donít wish for your wife to find out. And I do think that if you get honest and real with yourself you could potentially offer your marriage a better change moving forward.


Do you ever pay money to the online gals? Thatís important to know - so we could suggest ideas about what you could do with that money instead of paying it to them.

Great job sticking with your commitment to better yourself today. Just do one day at a time - it makes things more manageable when quitting anything.
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Old 31st January 2019, 5:46 PM   #55
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S2B,

Thank you VERY much. I am really glad I saw your message before I signed out for the afternoon. That really boosted my spirits, big time. Again, thank you. I am going home in a very positive mindset.

And do I pay money to online gals? Hell no. Never have, never would.

And to all of those who have bashed me, I have NO clue what you get out of this. Does it make you feel better about yourself to insult me? I would ask you to stop it.

To those who have been supportive and positive, and offered constructive advice, I sincerely appreciate it. I'll post again tomorrow morning.
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Old 31st January 2019, 5:51 PM   #56
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Buy your wife flowers on the way home.
That’s a reward for both of you!
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Old 31st January 2019, 6:15 PM   #57
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Your ego is fragile at this point and you need gentle encouragement, which is fair enough; that said, no one has insulted you.

Sure it's good that you would want to give yourself time to become more self-aware, but part of your journey also involves accepting some hard truths.

Get into therapy asap OP; sounds like you need it just as much as getting ego boosts from random anonymous strangers.

Good luck.
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Old 31st January 2019, 7:10 PM   #58
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Originally Posted by CantGetEnuff View Post
I realize I am making her decision for her, but maybe ignorance is better here.

Does the truth really trump everything else always? That's a legitimate question by the way.
Ignorance is not better here. Your wife deserves to know the man she is married to. She deserves to know that the marriage she thinks she has is a farse. She deserves to know that you have put her health at risk - many times, for years.

If my husband cheats on me, I want to know so that I can make an informed decision for my life and my children. I don’t want to live in blissful ignorance, “remembering the good times” as you put it.

I’m sorry, I can appreciate the fact that you are trying to turn a new leaf here... but, if it’s really this bad that you are not able to get through a single day without looking at porn/chatting with other women/cheating on your wife then you have a BIG problem. The kind of help you need won’t be found on this website. Especially not when you continue to justify and excuse your behavior, rationalize the decision to deceive your wife, and continue with your self serving behavior...
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Last edited by BaileyB; 31st January 2019 at 7:16 PM..
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Old 31st January 2019, 7:20 PM   #59
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If the shoe was on the other foot and the wife was cheating...wouldnít you want to know that youíve been lied to for years?

That your health has been jeopardized for years?

That your entire life is a fraud?

Heck...maybe sheís cheating also and thatís why you get away with it.

Because I doubt you are that good at hiding your repeated transgressions.
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Old 31st January 2019, 7:28 PM   #60
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It's like breaking any other bad habit - drugs, gambling, binge eating, smoking.

Focus on the pros/benefits of flying right, and the cons/costs of continuing to step out on your family.

I'd imagine the biggest benefit of flying right is that you'll feel more whole as a person, you can look at yourself in the mirror every day with a clear conscience, you'll be upholding your vows to honor your wife, you'll be setting a good example for your children and friends.

You've already had a ton of illicit "fun". You have nothing more to gain from it but additional dopamine hits.

At the end of your life, you'll be able to look back and say you were stronger than your animal urges, rose above them to become a man of integrity. Better late than never.
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