LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

Wife and co-worker


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree16Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 29th January 2019, 12:58 AM   #31
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 13,905
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCL View Post
Im pretty certain that it has not turned physical yet based off what they say to each other.
Probably a naive assumption as you don't have all their communication, which could be across multiple devices and platforms. This is the problem with confronting if you're not ready to act, it simply drives them further underground.

TCL, filing for divorce doesn't mean it's certain to happen. It's just a loud shot across the bow, telling your WS you can't and won't accept the status quo. As you've found out, talk is cheap when she has a completely different agenda - and a head start in putting it in place.

You need to play hardball to get her attention...

Mr. Lucky
__________________
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
Mr. Lucky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2019, 1:09 AM   #32
Established Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Georgia
Posts: 4,701
^^^^^^Perfectly stated.

Get strong and stay there. Wishful thinking on your part won't get you a thing
Marc878 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2019, 9:31 AM   #33
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 350
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cersei View Post
No, please don't tell the kids this way.
Wrong. Kids need to know the truth and the truth is that DAD has to initiate the divorce because MOM choose to stab the family in the back with the new BF. There are consequences with choosing to cheat. It ruins families and DAD is not going to be the bad guy that broke the family. Mom can explain her actions to the kids.
40somethingGuy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2019, 9:49 AM   #34
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 6,216
TCL, I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I know it is very frustrating to not know "why" when you thought everything was great. I can't really imagine that shock of that .

If she loses you and the family unit, she'll probably be asking herself the same exact thing! She probably got attention from someone new and lacked the self-control to resist it. It's that simple .
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2019, 11:19 AM   #35
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 4,997
Instead of being afraid of the kids being from a broken home I’d be more afraid of your kids living in a broken environment within the home/marriage.

The example set for them while they grow up is likely what they choose for themselves as adults - because they come to think of it as “normal”.


That would be more detrimental to them than divorcing a cheating wife.

Sometimes you gotta show your kids by example what it looks like to be a person of courage and honor.
S2B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2019, 11:37 AM   #36
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: .
Posts: 1,706
I would talk to an attorney AND to a therapist.

This isn't an easy situation and you have some hard decisions to make.
Wallysbears is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2019, 11:49 AM   #37
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 245
Don't rugsweep

Doing nothing and 'rug sweeping' this is the worst thing you can do. It will affect you and your relationship horribly in the future. BTDT and would never do it again - even if she 'would never do that' (she would and has). While it is very tough, you have no choice for you and what's left of your family life to be strong and tell her you know what's going on and aren't going to be a doormat. Tell her you value honesty above all else and know she is not being honest. Tell her you most likely have to divorce her for the lying and cheating, believe in full disclosure to everyone about why, and if she continues to communicate with him in ANY way you are done for sure. Make no mistake, she has been intimate with him. Tell her you know more than she thinks and she has one chance to come completely clean. Lies will not be tolerated. Ask her if she wants to stay married and what she intends to do to stay that way - and listen. If she hesitates in any way then your actions are clear - though honestly they should be anyway. I'm sorry - but she is already gone. Certainly she ruined your relationship as you knew it. Ironically these actions will help if you divorce or stay together.

See an attorney. Safeguard your assets. Make sure you are eating and sleeping as well as possible. Get an STD test and tell your wife she has to get one too as her fidelity is in doubt for very good reason. That may help shock her into reality. Good luck.
notbroken is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2019, 12:21 PM   #38
Established Member
 
aliveagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Just East of the Rockies
Posts: 3,318
TCL there is only one answer as to why she did it and that is because she wanted to. Cheaters lie and as you can see by her continued contact after busting her with POS, your feelings and the split up of your family are not enough to stop her. Almost every woman on this forum would give their right arm to have her lifestyle so if it's not your relationship and it's not about you and not about money problems there can only be one other possibility, it's all about her.

Marriages that have gone through a lot worse stuff then yours have survived infidelity. They survived because they both wanted the marriage equally and that meant ending any relationship with the O/M or O/W. You can't be in a marriage part time and expect it to succeed. Tell her what your boundaries are, no contact with POS, transparency, independent counselling to find out why she gave herself the approval to cheat on you. Don't waste your money on marriage counselling until she's been through independent counselling first. Most marriage counselors are about saving the marriage and not so much about getting to the cause that led to the cheating.

You need to give her your boundaries in writing and if she is unwilling to abide by them isn't it better you know now rather then wasting years of your life in false reconciliation? You do need to talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights and the rights of your children, your their voice too. Staying in a bad relationship because of children is the wrong thing to do. You may want to ask the lawyer about a post nuptial agreement while your there. If she won't respect your vows perhaps she'll respect a financial consequence. You have already given her the gift of a second chance and she's already sh*t all over that. Quit moving the line you've drawn in the sand or she will never respect you. It is decision time, she's all in the marriage or cut her loose. Nothing in between will work. You have enough information to decide what is best for you, decide. Ask her for a written timeline of her affair, sometimes that helps her with the perspective of the damage she has caused. Read up on "the 180" make it your new mantra.

Last edited by aliveagain; 29th January 2019 at 12:29 PM..
aliveagain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2019, 12:35 PM   #39
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 4,997
Without swift and harsh consequences this time - she’s not likely to get any message that you’re not willing to play her games.

She already played you as her fool the first time you caught her... she’s under the impression she can do this without any consequences.

You keep being weak and she will walk all over your life.


Something about her is VERY broken inside - and until she fixes that about HERSELF, there’s not one reason you need to settle for the broken version of her. The work she needs to do on herself is likely to take a year or two with a good therapist if she sees them once every week or so.

She been so easily lying to you - no one should be forced to live with a liar like that! She’s broken every vow you took with her. If she wants the marriage she’s got to be willing to do the work (on herself and the marriage) to earn it back.

In the meantime she needs to understand she’s ruined the marriage and it’s about to end because of her actions.
S2B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2019, 5:48 PM   #40
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 4,997
What’s your plan TCL?

You have GOT to have a solid PLAN!
S2B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2019, 8:55 PM   #41
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Depends on the day
Posts: 1,166
Hey TCL, before you do anything else talk with a divorce lawyer and know what your options are.

She is cheating on you and never assume that it hasn’t go physical yet. More then likely it has.

Bullchit on the OM’s response that he doesn’t want to hurt the family. He already has.

When you do confront again just say I guess you chose him. Hand her divorce papers and walk away. Make her chase you. She has to fight to keep you, not the other way around. If you play the chose me game you will push her further away.

You have to decide what YOU can live with if you stay with her. You have to figure this out before anything else. If you can get past what has happened then stay and fix. If not, file for divorce and get through it as best you can.

Do not stay for the kids. They will see through what ever front you and your cheating wife put up.
usa1ah is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 29th January 2019, 10:12 PM   #42
Established Member
 
darkmoon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 4,178
a single guy knows that a married woman is taken already, he is not looking to be half of a couple, he might even be avoiding it
darkmoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2019, 4:49 AM   #43
Try
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,257
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCL View Post
I told her I love you very much but I know what was going on with you and the OM. Her first statement was what are you talking about in a very shocked voice.
She lied. Cheaters will only admit what you can prove.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TCL View Post
I told her that I have seen the messages and wanted to know if she has had a physical affair with him. She denied it and said no. She told me that the relationship is nothing and that he is her friend and that is why she says she loves him.
She lied. Cheaters will only admit what you can prove.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TCL View Post
After a long conversation she asked if I was going to divorce her and I told her no but the relationship has to end.
What she heard is that divorce over her lying and cheating was not on the table, and that you will do nothing about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TCL View Post
But as time has went on for the past few months I have noticed that she guards her watch and phone like crazy. So at that point, I knew that she's still talking to him. I started looking at phone records and getting the watch when I could and of course, there it is.
She lied. She never stopped cheating. She knows that divorce over her lying and cheating was not on the table, and that you will do nothing about it.

Weakness is what gives strength to affairs. This is a common early reaction to infidelity. The sooner that you get strong the better. You must be really willing to end the marriage, to have a marriage worth keeping.
Try is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2019, 6:57 AM   #44
Established Member
 
doyathinkso's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 587
Quote:
Originally Posted by Try View Post
She lied. Cheaters will only admit what you can prove.

She lied. Cheaters will only admit what you can prove.

What she heard is that divorce over her lying and cheating was not on the table, and that you will do nothing about it.

She lied. She never stopped cheating. She knows that divorce over her lying and cheating was not on the table, and that you will do nothing about it.

Weakness is what gives strength to affairs. This is a common early reaction to infidelity. The sooner that you get strong the better. You must be really willing to end the marriage, to have a marriage worth keeping.
In case you didn't read this the first time!
__________________
...... and I live in a van down by the river!!!!!
doyathinkso is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2019, 4:08 PM   #45
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 4,997
What’s the update TCL?
S2B is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Ex-wife and mother of 2 kids left me for a co-worker and in serious relationship SingleDad82 Infidelity 106 8th December 2016 8:37 AM
Dating a co-worker, another co-worker seems jealous Bonnie Potter Dating 2 14th June 2014 11:24 PM
Wife and Co-worker guyfromsouth Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 21 18th May 2011 5:57 PM
Wife affairs and current with co-worker Wesley2323 Infidelity 37 1st June 2009 12:02 PM
Wife cheated with her co-worker ~ Shocked and beyond hurt. OfftheCuff Infidelity 9 17th October 2008 12:24 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:49 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.