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Wife and co-worker


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 28th January 2019, 5:48 PM   #1
TCL
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Wife and co-worker

Hello, This is my first post. I have spent several hours on the forums reading trying to figure out my situation. I am honestly lost and need some advice.

I am a 35 year old guy and have 2 children with my wife. We have been married for 9+ years and have been together for about 15 years. We have had(or what I thought) a wonderful loving relationship and marriage with no issues at ALL. Infidelity is 100% the last thing that I would have ever expected out of her. We have never had any money issues or any other stressors in our life at all. We have been very blessed to have great families and parents, healthy children, and great careers. I say this because I have explored every reason as to why this may have happened and trying to figure out where to go from here.

Last year she took on an unexpected promotion and it was a stressful position but she's great at what she does and really enjoyed it. It really increased her work load but we were able to manage and balance things out. At that time she was pregnant with our second child. About 4 months ago I was using my wife's phone to send a text message and when I opened her text logs and I noticed that one of her male co-workers that I hear her frequently mention was at the top. I clicked on it and there were no next messages under the name and appear to have been deleted. At that point I was immediately suspicious. I didn't say anything as I thought maybe its nothing. As the day went on I could not help but wonder why the text string was deleted. Once we got home I found her watch and there it all was. The text on the phone were indeed deleted and all the proof was on the watch. Most of the text were about how much she loves him and the OM talking about how he cannot wait to do dirty things to her. Some of the things that she would tell him just blew me away. They went in depth on subjects that just blew my mind. He would beg her to send photos but she never would as she said she was embarrassed. My honest thoughts were this is so not her at all and cannot believe that this was coming from her. After seeing these messages I was obviously very shocked, sad, and lost. She is literally the last person on earth that you would expect this out of. I did not say anything that night as I did not know what to do. A few weeks went by and I was able to retrieve phone records and more texts. I spent these weeks talking to a very close friend that has been through the very same thing. It was very very clear that she is having an emotional affair. Im pretty certain that it has not turned physical yet based off what they say to each other.

After a few weeks I honestly was very frustrated. I planned a night to where I got the kids to bed and then confronted her very calmly. I told her I love you very much but I know what was going on with you and the OM. Her first statement was what are you talking about in a very shocked voice. I told her that I have seen the messages and wanted to know if she has had a physical affair with him. She denied it and said no. She told me that the relationship is nothing and that he is her friend and that is why she says she loves him. After a long conversation she asked if I was going to divorce her and I told her no but the relationship has to end. After all that was said and done things were just fine and normal. But as time has went on for the past few months I have noticed that she guards her watch and phone like crazy. So at that point, I knew that she's still talking to him. I started looking at phone records and getting the watch when I could and of course, there it is.

At this point I am afraid of losing my wife and afraid for my children to live in a broken home. But I cannot continue to live like this. I am so stressed out and emotionally drained. What is so confusing to me is that, emotionally and intimately or relationship has been and is wonderful. If I would have not found text I honestly would have probably never known. What I am most concerned with is that this is just a ticking time bomb and its going to turn physical at some point. Currently her co-worker left the company and took a different job about 1.5hrs away and also lives about an hour away. So at this point there is really no times that they have been able to meet due to our schedule and children. At this point I am ready to confront her and lay it all out but afraid of what will happen.
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Old 28th January 2019, 6:02 PM   #2
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When people show you who they are - believe them.

If the roles were reversed, do you think that your wife would have been so passive and accepting as you are? The fact that she is guarding her watch and phone so strongly is a very bad sign. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you think that after all of these messages then there has never been any kissing then I have a bridge to sell you.
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Old 28th January 2019, 6:09 PM   #3
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Hello, This is my first post. I have spent several hours on the forums reading trying to figure out my situation. I am honestly lost and need some advice.
<snip>
None of us ever dreamed it could happen to us. Some women get bored with the same man and that is their reason...to know they are still sexy and desired. But, these men are predators. You screwed up by saying NO to divorce instead of 'I don't know, that will be based on how honest you are in telling me everything and answering every question.' Guarantee when she see you are not going to stand for this crap she will likely come out of the fog. But for sure this is common... new job and someone she is attracted to hits on her and offers some taboo fun. At the very least she is a liar. Doesn't that alone make you shutter?

What I definitely would do is contact the OM and his wife and make his life a living hell so that he would never ever talk to your wife again. Remind your wife that the kids WILL FIND OUT eventually why SHE ruined the family. Flood her with thoughts of the consequences of her selfish actions. Watch for changes such as deletions, not letting you have access to her phone, watch the phone records closely, did she change the look of herself 'down there' all of a sudden? Is she making strange or out of sort reasons for being gone out of the routine? She needs to know and feel consequences.

DO NOT PROTECT HER. Of course you still love her but right now she betrayed YOU AND THE KIDS and is the enemy. Playing it nice will only make you look weak to her (which you do right now but I do get it...believe me). You need to establish ground rules and for the love of God, DO NOT DO MARRIAGE THERAPY unless you want to blow money and listen to why this is your fault for being a loving and supportive husband giving her excuses why she just had to lie and cheat (and yes, she cheated the second she talked to him after you said not to as well as before).

Those who survive this survive this because they go scorched earth not because they tell them they know and let them off relatively easy. Plus, just know that this will ALWAYS be in the back of your mind and she is officially and forever tainted. The relationship has changed now that the wife you thought you have doesn't exist.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th January 2019 at 9:06 PM.. Reason: Paragraphs and truncate quote
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Old 28th January 2019, 6:10 PM   #4
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Hello, This is my first post. I have spent several hours on the forums reading trying to figure out my situation. I am honestly lost and need some advice.<snip>
She's cheating and you're afraid? A real bad combination. As long as you are in this mode you will continue to get played and walked on because it's obvious the marriage means more to you than her.If they work together and have contact it's probably a physical sexual affair. At this time you are in denial of what you're dealing with.

Cheaters lie a lot. We're just friends is the biggest lie told. You gave your wife zero consequences for stepping out of your marriage. Why would she quit her affair? As you've seen just because you found out doesn't mean they stop. Your lack of actions told them they could continue.

If other man is married inform his wife wth out warning. Do not tell your wife. Did you save the evidence? Weakness is very unattractive and it makes her other man look even better. You had better wake up fast because currently you are getting nowhere.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th January 2019 at 7:56 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote and fix spacing for paragraphs
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Old 28th January 2019, 6:32 PM   #5
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I am not a person who assumes facts not supported by evidence, but the fact the OM lives 1.5 hours away has now consequence because he can travel to her.

I suggest you file and serve her divorce papers. Time for your wife to make a decision.
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Old 28th January 2019, 7:07 PM   #6
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When people show you who they are - believe them.

If the roles were reversed, do you think that your wife would have been so passive and accepting as you are? The fact that she is guarding her watch and phone so strongly is a very bad sign. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you think that after all of these messages then there has never been any kissing then I have a bridge to sell you.

Thank you for the advice. I 100% agree that if the roles were reversed and I did this she would be gone. I do know that it is still going on but just cannot get all the proof because she is sending through I message.
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Old 28th January 2019, 7:11 PM   #7
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So she just KEPT disrespecting you after you said don’t communicate with him again?

Time to say nothing - and file for divorce!

Obviously she prioritizes him attention more than the marriage.


Without consequences - she’s not changing a thing - except to sleep with the dude.

Play a firm hand... serve her divorce papers! She’s banking on you being whimpy (which you have been and it’s gotten you no changes).
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Old 28th January 2019, 8:01 PM   #8
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None of us ever dreamed it could happen to us. Some women get bored with the same man and that is their reason...to know they are still sexy and desired. But, these men are predators. You screwed up by saying NO to divorce instead of 'I don't know, that will be based on how honest you are in telling me everything and answering every question.' <snip>
He is single and thats all I know personally about him. I have thought long and hard about contacting him but didn't know if I should or not. Thank you for the advice. I can assure that I'm about to confront her, I just didn't know how to do it. I keep "waiting on the right time" but obviously no time is a good time. The first time was a disaster and I was literally not myself. I feel like I'm too caught up in losing her but at this point I have to get over that and concentrate on myself and my children. Now I've had time to process things and have realized that I will not be lied to anymore. I would rather live my life alone with my children than spend every waking second of the day thinking and stressing over this BS.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th January 2019 at 9:08 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote
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Old 28th January 2019, 8:08 PM   #9
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<snip>
If other man is married inform his wife wth out warning. Do not tell your wife. Did you save the evidence? Weakness is very unattractive and it makes her other man look even better. You had better wake up fast because currently you are getting nowhere.
No he is not married. Yes I have all the texts from the watch that were on it at the time. I also have all the phone records. I do now realize that cheaters lie alot. They lie over the smallest things. Its unreal to me. Your right, I bend over backwards for her and there is no reason for her to quit. I really appreciate your advice. This is all new to me as it was to everyone else at some point here.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th January 2019 at 9:08 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote
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Old 28th January 2019, 8:24 PM   #10
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<snip>Now I've had time to process things and have realized that I will not be lied to anymore. I would rather live my life alone with my children than spend every waking second of the day thinking and stressing over this BS.
So... you pack her ONE bag and tell her to leave immediately. No arguing, no begging...just remind her she isn’t the wife you thought you knew. That’s it. Don’t give her any chance to blame you or make excuses! Have her leave.

But FIRST move money to your name only so she doesn’t drain the bank account - maybe leave her $100 for a motel room. She can be alone to think about what SHE has done to the family unit, to your marriage and to her future. If she asks do you intend to divorce her simply say yes. Without swift and severe consequences she will continue walking all over you... because you haven’t given her any consequences.

Then call her parents and tell them. They need to know so she will also have consequences from them on some level. Do it tonight - no need to wait.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th January 2019 at 9:10 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote and add paragraphs
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Old 28th January 2019, 8:36 PM   #11
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She needs to leave her job (or he does) or else things are going to get worse. She has already ignored your request and it's likely this guy knows you know. I think you need to increase the pressure on their relationship and make it more difficult for them to continue. All lot of people don't like to make a complaint to HR but I think it's one of the most effective ways to kill a relationship. You could also expose her to close friends or family members. I would also confront this guy, however, unless they have no-contact then their affair will continue underground. You should read some of the stories on here and try and formulate a plan that includes effective action.
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Old 28th January 2019, 8:58 PM   #12
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She needs to leave her job (or he does) or else things are going to get worse. She has already ignored your request and it's likely this guy knows you know. I think you need to increase the pressure on their relationship and make it more difficult for them to continue. All lot of people don't like to make a complaint to HR but I think it's one of the most effective ways to kill a relationship. You could also expose her to close friends or family members. I would also confront this guy, however, unless they have no-contact then their affair will continue underground. You should read some of the stories on here and try and formulate a plan that includes effective action.
Thank you for your input. Fortunately he left the company that she works several months ago for another opportunity so they no longer see each other at all on a daily basis. I am able to track her phone and she is aware that I can. Part of her initial excuse was that I could track her phone anytime and that is how she tried to justify that she has not done anything with him. He defiantly knows because she talks about it on one of the messages that she sent him. She basically says, "he found some messages but don't think he saw much keep your messages professional for a while". He responds to her well "I am sorry I don't want to hurt your family", but she insists that it is ok. Yes this situation is bad, very bad..

I have been reading the forums for a few hours just trying to make since of my situation. Then I decided to post. I am thankful for the "tough love" that everyone is providing as I really don't have anyone to talk to at this point that I feel that I can trust other than one of my friends. But at this point I just needed some fresh input. I can tell you once I expose it to her family am about 99% certain that her father will be very upset with her to the point of hurting their relationship but thats what she needs at this point.
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Old 28th January 2019, 9:02 PM   #13
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You better hurry up - she is WAY ahead of you!

She had a plan in place for whenyou found out - and it worked well enough to have you do nothing to change things.

She’s banking on you being weak - so now isn’t the time to continue down that path.

She needs to be scared to death you are for sure divorcing her!
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Old 28th January 2019, 9:22 PM   #14
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FWIW, here is my 2 cents. I am a MW with 2 kids who had an EA with a MM. My MM was an Ex boyfriend who contacted me after 10 years to “see how I was doing” and it spiraled from there. Him contacting me led to a series of “what-ifs” that made me question my entire life with H. What if we (ex-bf and I had ended up together?) I painted a picture in my head that MM was nicer, listened, cared more about me than H and painted a “villain” picture of my husband. My H would come home from work sit on the couch and play video games. Didn’t interact with me or the kids and didn’t help with housework. I worked full time as well. So I resented him a great deal. MM listened to me, showed an interest, and I would complain about my H (and he would complain about his W to me) so it set up an “us” vrs “then” thing. I know it’s weird but that’s what happened. MM sent me a gift, a car part, and my H told me he was uncomfortable and wanted me to stop talking to him. So I did. I just couldn’t cross that line of continuing after H explicitly said to stop and was already feeling guilty about the intimate conversations we (MM and I) had. Thing was, MM knew me when I was young, before I was a mom and made me feel like an individual person, like a woman. Not just “so-and-so’s Mom or wife”

Here’s the thing- your wife is not in her right mind at this point. She’s in la la land, and I’m sure she feels guilty talking to him but not guilty enough to stop. She is likely enjoying being seen as an individual / as a sexual being, bc OM doesn’t see her as a mommy or a wife. If you divorce her I am certain she will be back begging for your forgiveness bc things will not work out with her OM. It’s a fantasy. The only thing you can do is give her an ultimatum and be prepared to walk through the door. It may wake her up and make her see what a mistake it would be to lose you.

I hope that helped a bit
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Old 28th January 2019, 9:54 PM   #15
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FWIW, here is my 2 cents. I am a MW with 2 kids who had an EA with a MM. My MM was an Ex boyfriend who contacted me after 10 years to “see how I was doing” and it spiraled from there. Him contacting me led to a series of “what-ifs” that made me question my entire life with H. What if we (ex-bf and I had ended up together?) I painted a picture in my head that MM was nicer, listened, cared more about me than H and painted a “villain” picture of my husband. My H would come home from work sit on the couch and play video games. Didn’t interact with me or the kids and didn’t help with housework. I worked full time as well. So I resented him a great deal. MM listened to me, showed an interest, and I would complain about my H (and he would complain about his W to me) so it set up an “us” vrs “then” thing. I know it’s weird but that’s what happened. MM sent me a gift, a car part, and my H told me he was uncomfortable and wanted me to stop talking to him. So I did. I just couldn’t cross that line of continuing after H explicitly said to stop and was already feeling guilty about the intimate conversations we (MM and I) had. Thing was, MM knew me when I was young, before I was a mom and made me feel like an individual person, like a woman. Not just “so-and-so’s Mom or wife”

Here’s the thing- your wife is not in her right mind at this point. She’s in la la land, and I’m sure she feels guilty talking to him but not guilty enough to stop. She is likely enjoying being seen as an individual / as a sexual being, bc OM doesn’t see her as a mommy or a wife. If you divorce her I am certain she will be back begging for your forgiveness bc things will not work out with her OM. It’s a fantasy. The only thing you can do is give her an ultimatum and be prepared to walk through the door. It may wake her up and make her see what a mistake it would be to lose you.

I hope that helped a bit
Thank you for your Perspective. I have been hoping for someone to chime in and who sees it from another point of view and is helpful. I've just been trying to figure out why. I do know I have to confront her and understand that I have to do it now. This has been a tough journey to say the least and I know everyone here knows that. My Job allows me to be at home a lot. I'm a person that has never expected her to do the duties around the house. I don't sit around and play games and and become absent from my family life. I tend to my children and I am very active in our household and marriage. I am certainly not perfect and no-one is but I defiantly do my part and more.

I do agree that she is not in her right mind. Things seemed to get worse after her pregnancy. I feel like I don't even know her sometimes. Another thing that I do not understand is that I put her on a pedestal 100% of the time and treat her like a queen. I obviously have to come to terms that my own wife is taking advantage of me. As a man that attempts his hardest to provide and love his family, As anyone here knows, I'm trying to figure out "Why" and thats something I may never know.
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