Ryobi Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 (edited) Hello. I need some advice about whether or not I should a) ask my wife if she has ever had an affair and b) how to go about asking her in a way that, if she hasn't, then she won't be utterly devastated that I would ask. I've noticed a lot of changes, a lot of potential signs, that she may have been cheating but I'm not sure, I don't have solid evidence. The thing is, we have been having some serious issues as of late and had a pretty serious fight about 6 months ago. Ever since, she's been acting differently. Here are some of the things I've seen that cause me to wonder: 1. She was going out a lot, either to her girlfriend's house or out with the girls for drinks. She used to be a real homebody, but she had been going out 3-4 times a week, sometimes more. 2. Sex has dropped right off. I can't even remember the last time we had sex. 3. She was drinking a lot more. I mean every night on work nights she'd get tipsy, and she'd get smashed on weekends. 4. She's been cold and distant. Now she's started warming up to me recently. 5. She's been out shopping a lot, usually for clothes. She's constantly bringing home new outfits and articles of clothing, new footwear, etc. 6. She recently developed a serious addiction to her phone and social media. I never paid attention to see if she was being secretive or hiding her phone away while on it, but she definitely had a drastic increase in the amount of time she was spending on it. [something to note about that: her best friend recently got married and my wife was her Maid of Honour, and they seem to have become extremely close again after having lost touch] Prior to our big fight and all of this stuff going on, she was the most wonderful, loyal, caring partner and lover. I don't know if this is paranoia or legitimate warning signs I should be concerned about. It could just be that she needed space and time to think and reflect. Over the last few years, we have had some serious issues that we haven't resolved, some serious fights, and we're at a fork in the road in terms of what we want in the future and whether or not we can be together and still achieve those things. Anyway, are these signs of a possible affair (whether it was a one-time deal or ongoing), and should I bring it up, or could she just have needed space and time to deal with everything? Edited January 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing and move to Infidelity Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 There are enough red flags to stampede a herd of bulls. The best way to find out is to hire a private investigator, it isn't cheap but you'll have enough answers to decide a path. The other option is to attach a VAR(voice activated recorder) using Velcro under one of her car seats, then check it every night. That is where most cheaters go to communicate with their affair partners as well as discuss their dates with friends that know about their affair. Check phone records, her texts if you have access to her phone, check her emails and consider putting a key logger on her computer. The simplest way is to sit her down and ask her. That approach doesn't work as well as it tends to send them further underground. Trust your gut. Follow the money, see what she's spending it on. Valentine's Day is coming up, might be a coincidence but isn't that when he is coming to town? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Alive Again is absolutely correct. These are classic signs of someone having an affair. If the roles were reversed, would your wife be so accepting and passive as you have been? Why would she admit to you that she is having an affair? Hire a PI or have a friend follow her when she is out drinking. By the way, she is clearly acting like a single woman. Why do you accept this? She is treating you with a total lack of respect. If you do not respect yourself then who will? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Better quit sitting back and start digging. You don't know for sure. Find out!!! It doesn't sound or smell right What was the fight about? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, then..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 (edited) As someone who has been in this position and holds the benefit of hindsight I'm going to give you a different direction to follow. I know my own WW had an affair, even consecutive multiple affairs. The exact nature and extent of them I don't know and in hindsight the missing details don't matter. The time, effort, and emotional toll of trying to discover them was very costly. Too costly, and if I were a smarter man I'd have focused on the core question. That core question is not whether she's having an affair rather: "is there anything left or present between the two of us that can be relied upon for safety?" I mean all kinds of safety - personal, emotional, financial, parental, social, etc. If not, then: "we don't have anything to build a new relationship out of, and it's clear that are old way of relating doesn't work." You're going to get a lot of advice on how to hunt down an affair, how to gauge is she's remorseful, etc. But, I would caution you to avoid getting distracted by all that and investigate the one thing that will grant you the answer you really need. Forget about the details of what and why your wife is doing this - and go straight to asking her if the marriage is already over. If she says no, but displays only contempt and disgust for you - is that believable? If she treats you like dirt the rest of your life but, doesn't cheat - would you want that ? If she declares not to know what she wants- would you like to be strung along and discarded while she in her wanderlust explore possibilities? Do you want to live out of balance on a see-saw between your marriage and her secret second life? If I could go back in time - I would not spend so much time trying to "investigate" affairs or even the appearance of affairs. I would spend more time evaluating the truth of my own perceptions. I would evaluate my fears, needs, and my ability to accurately see the very person and relationship I was in without regard to the affair. Because, in the end this is the relationship you would be fighting to keep - and it's one you can't live with than be careful what you wish for. There is no "gotcha" moment that can save you if what you pursue is not what you want. Edited January 26, 2019 by Turning point 3 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Turning point gives some solid advice. The only problem is you are still required to read into an answer for that question. I believe proof is important, however you don't require a lot of it. For example, ask to see her phone, emails, passwords to social media accounts, etc. You don't need a lot of time invested in these requests as hesitation should speak volumes. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Most want to know. So ignoring the red flags will just keep you in indecision unless you are in a very small % that can make one without the facts. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Asking her if she's having an affair is pointless and will only drive her into greater secrecy. There's no way she's going to turn around and say "In fact, I am, yes I'm glad you asked". Cheaters lie. All the time. It's what they do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ryobi Posted January 26, 2019 Author Share Posted January 26, 2019 So I was on her computer. I told her I was looking for movies that have recently come out that we can watch (her computer is the one we use for entertainment in our living room). I'm reading a conversation with a male friend of hers, one she spends time with and I have suspected in the past, and all of a sudden the conversation is deleted. She knew I was on her computer, went downstairs, then boom - conversation deleted entirely. I found some odd exchanges but again nothing definitive. But they call each other babe or bebe a lot and there are some hearts. The reason I say it's not definitive is because I, as well as pretty much everyone that I know that has met this guy, thinks he's gay. But my wife says he isn't and he's only ever dated women as far as I know. Now I'm pissed off and I want to confront her. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Have you ever heard of the message being in the medium? Listen to what she's telling you, she is using her words (he's not gay), exchanging hearts and terms of endearment with this guy, and her actions (deleting a conversation). Now listen to your gut (you've suspected this guy in the past). You have something to go on, now tell her what she's been doing, don't ask her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted January 26, 2019 Share Posted January 26, 2019 Do not confront her. That's just pointless. Get evidence. I guarantee you she's having an affair -- emotional and physical. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ryobi Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 Do not confront her. That's just pointless. Get evidence. I guarantee you she's having an affair -- emotional and physical. Well after that little Facebook fiasco I'm going to have to. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 So I was on her computer. I told her I was looking for movies that have recently come out that we can watch (her computer is the one we use for entertainment in our living room). I'm reading a conversation with a male friend of hers, one she spends time with and I have suspected in the past, and all of a sudden the conversation is deleted. She knew I was on her computer, went downstairs, then boom - conversation deleted entirely. I found some odd exchanges but again nothing definitive. But they call each other babe or bebe a lot and there are some hearts. The reason I say it's not definitive is because I, as well as pretty much everyone that I know that has met this guy, thinks he's gay. But my wife says he isn't and he's only ever dated women as far as I know. Now I'm pissed off and I want to confront her. Worse thing you could do. If she is cheating they lie a lot. Get a voice activated recorder and Velcro it under her car seat. Cheap effective way to see what's going on. Also get online and check your phone bill. That'll give you a good clue. Mouth shut, eyes and ears open. Next time don't warn her you are going to use the PC you just do it. Do you have any acces to her phone? That's where the I go will be if anything is going on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 I've noticed a lot of changes, a lot of potential signs, we have been having some serious issues pretty serious fight about 6 months ago she's been acting differently She was going out a lot for drinks 3-4 times a week She used to be a real homebody Sex has dropped right off She was drinking a lot more. I mean every night She'd get smashed on weekends. She's been cold and distant. She developed a drastic increase in time spent on her phone We have had some serious issues that we haven't resolved We're at a fork in the road in terms of what we want in the future Whatever issues you've had, she appears to have found a satisfying way to resolve them that no longer includes you. She's not in a relationship with you anymore and you've been shut out. If you're in a western country it's unlikely infidelity would be a meaningful issue in a divorce court. Your issue is that the horses have all left the barn. How they were saddled is not the thing to get fixated on right now. If you don't have a living/breathing marriage to save then chasing the infidelity is an exercise in pain shopping. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Prior to our big fight and all of this stuff going on, she was the most wonderful, loyal, caring partner and lover. Over the last few years, we have had some serious issues that we haven't resolved, some serious fights, and we're at a fork in the road in terms of what we want in the future and whether or not we can be together and still achieve those things. I'm trying to resolve these two statements which, at least on the surface, have very opposite implications. Ryobi, hard to see how these could both be true... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ryobi Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 I'm trying to resolve these two statements which, at least on the surface, have very opposite implications. Ryobi, hard to see how these could both be true... Mr. Lucky We've just had issues in terms of where our lives are headed in terms of our home, making a family, etc. She was still all of those things, or at least I felt that way, until recently. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ryobi Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 --- I messed up. I spoke with her. I had to, she caught on that something was up with me immediately and I couldn't hide it. I suck at that. It's why I could never cheat on her, at least not without admitting it later. She told me that she's going through a really rough time and she's confused about where I stand with her, where we stand as a couple, and that this friend of hers is there to give her advice and support, but that there's nothing there romantically and they've never crossed the line. She considers him her "gay guy friend" (everyone thinks he's gay). She said she deleted the conversation because she vents her frustrations about me to him and her other female friend (they're a trio). I don't know what to believe and I think she is very capable of lying, but I also genuinely believe she loves me and I wanna believe it was nothing more than she says. I just can't and I don't know what to do. Agh **** it all. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 --- I messed up. I spoke with her. I had to, she caught on that something was up with me immediately and I couldn't hide it. I suck at that. It's why I could never cheat on her, at least not without admitting it later. She told me that she's going through a really rough time and she's confused about where I stand with her, where we stand as a couple, and that this friend of hers is there to give her advice and support, but that there's nothing there romantically and they've never crossed the line. She considers him her "gay guy friend" (everyone thinks he's gay). She said she deleted the conversation because she vents her frustrations about me to him and her other female friend (they're a trio). I don't know what to believe and I think she is very capable of lying, but I also genuinely believe she loves me and I wanna believe it was nothing more than she says. I just can't and I don't know what to do. Agh **** it all. Your idea of love maybe different from hers. Just pop over to the other woman section and see how many of those women claim to love thier husbands while cheating on them. I dont doubt some of them do, they just have a different idea of what love is. They love them how they know how. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ryobi Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 Your idea of love maybe different from hers. Just pop over to the other woman section and see how many of those women claim to love thier husbands while cheating on them. I dont doubt some of them do, they just have a different idea of what love is. They love them how they know how. Well she said she's been so starry-eyed in love with me for so many years and lately she's started to come to terms with the notion that maybe we're not going to work out. As I said, we have a few underlying issues and neither of us were making the right moves to resolve them, one way or another. We've basically just been sweeping things under the rug. I know it isn't a productive or mature way of dealing with things. I don't know what to think - they've been friends for longer than I've known her and I never had any indications or reasons to think there could ever be anything more than that between them - until now. She told me the most that's ever happened is that he held her once and comforted her because she and I had a really big fight (I was drunk and angry) and she thought we were over. It's always doom and gloom with her in those situations, whereas I am just blowing off steam and I need time to be pissy before I come to my senses and talk things out. So I dunno, I understand where she's coming from.. but I just can't shake the feeling and it sucks because how can I ever? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 At this time you don't know. We're just friends is the biggest lie told. From what I've seen your gut instincts are usually correct. Don't make the mistake of projecting. I love her so she must love me back. Cheaters lie a lot. Keep digging. You made the mistake of telling her if there was anything it'll go deeper underground now. Most betrayed spouses in these situation want to believe so badly they will live in denial. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 When a spouse talks about marital issues with a opposite sex friend it's the start of at least an EA. He's gay is another often told lie for cover. Happens all the time 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Well she said she's been so starry-eyed in love with me for so many years and lately she's started to come to terms with the notion that maybe we're not going to work out. Whether or not she has been cheating is perhaps moot, as the reality is that she sounds like she is on her way out anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ryobi Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 At this time you don't know. We're just friends is the biggest lie told. From what I've seen your gut instincts are usually correct. Don't make the mistake of projecting. I love her so she must love me back. Cheaters lie a lot. Keep digging. You made the mistake of telling her if there was anything it'll go deeper underground now. Most betrayed spouses in these situation want to believe so badly they will live in denial. Yeah, I'm not going to stop. She has a lot of work to do to earn my trust back and she's not off Scott free here. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 Move fast. You need to know one way or the other. Voice activated recorders, GPS are the cheapest. There maybe laws in your state but if you purchase with cash there will be no record that they were yours even if they're found. Have you checked the online phone bill? That will give you a clue as to how much they are communicating. If it's a lot it's a bad sign. You can get this done in 15 minutes Link to post Share on other sites
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