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What am I doing?!


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 26th January 2019, 7:10 AM   #1
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What am I doing?!

I'm almost 40 and have been in a relationship with my bf for 15 years, living together for the last 10. We haven't had much of a sexual relationship for the last 5 because I was diagnosed with a medical condition which put a huge dampner on things mostly my doing. My bf has almost become my carer way ahead of needing to be one. It's like he's resigned to the fact that he will have to care for me one day so has already started.

About 3 years ago I was out with work and ended up on a park bench at 1am with a guy I'd worked with for many years. There was never any attraction there on my part but he told me he'd always been drawn to me. We chatted for 3 hours and poured our hearts out. He was in a very unhappy long term relationship (and still is today) and I was still in denial about my future but becoming more unhappy with how things were with my bf. We ended up kissing for a bit before we went our separate ways. We saw each other at work often after that night but it wasn't mentioned. I put it down to a drunken night out. Then about a year ago I ended up kissing him again on a couple of drunken occasions but nothing more.

6 months ago I left to start a new job but I still go back to my old work for nights out. Over the past 3 months I have ended up with him four times, each time we've gone a bit further. We made a sort of agreement to have hook ups as neither of us want to become involved and have a full on affair because we don't want to leave our partners.

The few times we'd arranged to meet it didn't happen for various reasons and I decided it wasn't meant to be and was probably just alcohol induced attraction anway. Low and behold we ended up together following a couple of impromptu drunken nights out but the last time was during the day when I was visiting my old work and I bumped into him. The chemistry was there instantly and we ended up in an empty office. We stopped short of sex (and have never had sex) but it was incredibly sexual but also very reckless as my bf works in the same place, albeit the other side of the very large complex, and knows this guy too.

We texted each other all night afterwards and the following day saying how much we both really enjoyed it and couldnt stop thinking about each other. He then texted me that he's booked a hotel for Monday because he wants to be with me properly! I'm both excited and conflicted about that. He's also asked me out to the cinema and the theatre and that seems more like dating/an affair. This is starting to feel like proper calculated cheating and not the casual hook up no strings attached arrangement we started out with (I am aware that to my bf those would be indistinguishable).

I know I shouldn't be doing this but I can't seem to stop whatever this is and I'm not sure I want to. It's the first time I've felt or done anything like this. This guy makes me feel sexy and desired and damn horny. All things I haven't felt with my bf for years BUT I do love my bf. He's lovely and kind and does everything for me. He would be heartbroken if he ever found out but I would be too as we have a great life together - apart from the sex - and I love him but we've become more like friends. We don't even sleep in the same room anymore but neither of us want to leave. He would feel this was the ultimate betrayal because I have been the main factor in our reduced sex life. Lower libido is a side effect of my condition so I put it down to that but this guy has made me query that as I'm excited whenever I think about him.

I don't know why I'm using this forum. Based on what I've read I know everyone is going to judge me and call me out for what I'm doing but maybe that's what I need. I was expecting that after speaking to two friends about what's going on and although they think its incredibly unfair on my bf they've told me to get it out of my system and my cousin thinks I'm on self-destruct mode but wants me to grab a bit of fun before I can't.

I still find myself questioning WTF am I doing?!
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Old 26th January 2019, 12:24 PM   #2
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Your situation seems to boil down to one of two options: break up with your boyfriend and save the poor guy some pain down the road, or cut this other guy off immediately, right now, no more communication of any kind. My guess is, though, that you won't do either, and your bf will figure out what's up and move on to someone who will truly appreciate him and not be cheating on him with someone else while at the same time professing her love for the bf. Choose your path carefully as discovery time is probably nearing.
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Old 26th January 2019, 1:41 PM   #3
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Just end it with your BF.

It's clear that you do not love him the way a mate is supposed to love a partner. Feelings change in some relationships, and that is normal. You are "cake eating" right now, plain and simple. That's very unfair to your BF.

Though you have not fully consummated your affair with the other man, what you have been doing is still an affair.

You seem self-aware enough to have come here seeking advice, because on some level you do not feel good about your situation. So why not just end the relationship with your BF? IMHO, though you've already been cheating on him, it may hurt him a bit less if you are fully honest, and allow him to move on.

Imagine the hurt your BF will suffer when he finds out that you've given (and have been giving) your sexual energy to another man, while he's essentially been denied for a long time. He will be devastated to find out you're being unfaithful.

Just because you've been together for a long time is not an excuse to remain in a relationship that isn't working for you anymore. Just be honest and walk away before the hurt and harm to your BF is compounded any further.
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Old 26th January 2019, 1:49 PM   #4
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So you would have no problem with your boyfriend cheating behind your back the way you are doing to him?
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Old 26th January 2019, 1:50 PM   #5
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This is your life and you can choose to fu*k it up anyway you want. Just my opinion but you need to end one of these relationships before you do anything else. Once you cross that line of no return, you and your boyfriend and any possible future marriage are done. Check any Infidelity Forum, we almost always give the betrayed spouse the same advice. If there are no children involved, RUN! Why, because you failed, you can no longer check off all the "good wife material" boxes. As a betrayed spouse you never get over being cheated on all you can do is with enough counselling, learn to live with it. His memory of your infidelity will be with him for the rest of his life even if he forgives you. You are in the middle of a life changing event. Think very carefully about what you want before you choose your next action. It's not a mistake if you conspire with the person who is helping you destroy whatever relationship you have. Is this who you spent your life to become?

Please explain, are you saying you have had oral sex with this man at your place of employment? You are putting yourself in a very risky situation, not only are you risking your future with your B/F but your risking your career. Everything you do will at some point need to b e explained to the people you love the most. Don't complicate your life more then you already have. Your B/F stayed with you through your medical issues, now that your better you want to bring a third person into an already troubled relationship. Give your head a shake and do what's right.

Last edited by aliveagain; 26th January 2019 at 2:16 PM..
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Old 26th January 2019, 4:30 PM   #6
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So you expect your BF to remain celibate and be your carer forever or for as long as your relationship lasts but you get to have sex with whoever you want because you have a medical condition?

That's not how it works. Don't fool yourself, you're already cheating, already in an affair.

Your BF deserves a lot better than to be disrespected this way, you should set him free as it sounds like you're only with him for your health benefits. Oh and if he works with the OM the chances are he will find out.
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Old 26th January 2019, 8:28 PM   #7
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Show what little integrity that you have left and be honest with your boyfriend. Allow him to move on so he may find a woman who will love, care and respect him since you clearly are unable to provide any of those things.
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Old 26th January 2019, 8:34 PM   #8
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If you plan to treat the guy you live with that way - you could at least end it.

Tell your BF the truth - what you’ve been doing...so he knows it’s not something he did to cause this mess.

Move out, support yourself and stop disrespecting him.

THEN... date whoever you choose.

Using two men isn’t cool... learn to stand on your own so you respect yourself.
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Old 26th January 2019, 10:18 PM   #9
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You are being so cruel to your boyfriend. What has he ever done to deserve to be treated like this? Doesn't he deserve to be set free so that he can find someone who passionately loves him? So that he can be with a woman who wants him like you want your affair partner?

Please just break up with your boyfriend. If he fights it and says he doesn't want to break up just tell him the truth about your cheating, that will help him let go and no matter how heartbroken he is there will come a day that he will be thankful that you did the right thing and set him free.
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Old 27th January 2019, 10:41 AM   #10
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Do yourself a favor and get out of infidelity by breaking up with one of them. How would you feel if your boyfriend was having an affair with someone you work with? If you continue disrespect your boyfriend then you will soon lose all respect for him and your relationship will nose dive.
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Old 27th January 2019, 10:52 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KTNewby View Post
I was expecting that after speaking to two friends about what's going on and although they think its incredibly unfair on my bf they've told me to get it out of my system and my cousin thinks I'm on self-destruct mode but wants me to grab a bit of fun before I can't.

I believe the OP may have come here looking for encouragement similar to advice she received from her friends and cousin.

It would appear that she is not really interested at all in ending her affair, but rather more advice to, "grab a bit of fun before she can't."
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Old 27th January 2019, 11:50 AM   #12
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Cake eating 101
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Old 27th January 2019, 9:36 PM   #13
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So you're cheating on the guy that you're relying on to take care of you once you no longer can due to your medical condition?

Will your new boyfriend be willing to do that?
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Old 29th January 2019, 2:57 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by GoldenR View Post
So you're cheating on the guy that you're relying on to take care of you once you no longer can due to your medical condition?

Will your new boyfriend be willing to do that?

Of course not. That's why the boyfriend is still in the picture. She is going to betray her boyfriend and then saddle him with a lifetime of looking after her and caring for her. She wants the best of both worlds.



Once she is bedridden or unable to care for herself..... well... She probably feels like at least she will be faithful because she won't even be able to have an affair..... and her boyfriend will unknowingly be taking care of a parasite who betrayed him for the rest of his life.



Let me ask the op a question... op, do you think your boyfriend is happy with your relationship right now? The lack of sex. The disconnect? Do you REALLY think you are making him happy? Probably not. So why isn't he cheating? Because he has character and honor.



Cut him loose. Do the right thing. Don't saddle him with taking care of the woman who betrayed him for the rest of his life. I couldn't think of a more evil thing to do. To rely on the person you stabbed in the back. Maybe you should just murder him now and save him the lifetime of pain and regret?



Your boyfriend isn't a tool. Stop using him.
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Old 29th January 2019, 4:35 PM   #15
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Jeez, what the hell is wrong with people...

OP,

Break up with your boyfriend before you destroy his outlook on life and trust for the rest of his life. The damage you will inflict on him due to your own selfishness is something he will have to live with for the rest of his life.

Then go take a long look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why you can't see the issue with what you're doing...
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