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She doesn’t know that I know


coldfuzion1978

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coldfuzion1978

Hi all

 

Not really sure where to begin but I was helping my wife back up her old phone and transferring stuff she’s got into her new phone. Whilst doing that I stumbled across several archived WhatsApp messages dating back a few years with a guy.

 

Without delving into too much details it appears thery have been interesting and connecting on both an emotional and physical level. The details aren’t explicit but I can tell she’s really connected with him emotionally and also she really enjoys sex with him to the extent of doing thing like anal which she wouldn’t normally with me.

 

She doesn’t know that I know and I don’t know what I should do next. I’m scared that if I confront her...I will end up losing her which I can’t bear to!

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Ok I'll bite. If you can't bear to lose her than you are powerless to do anything to stop her. Unless you're really good at bluffing. How's your poker face?

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LivingWaterPlease

I would recommend to you that you connect with a counselor who can help you work through what you want to do about this, pronto.

 

If I were to find a husband (I'm single) cheating on me, I'd get proof, then see an attorney and a counselor both.

 

If you want your marriage to work out at some point you're going to have to tell your wife you know about her bf and issue consequences to her. But, be sure and get proof first in case you should need it in a divorce case. This is even if you're not thinking of divorce at the present.

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Your choices are confront her or go forward pretending everything is ok.

 

It seems you are more afraid of the possibility of losing her than about her complete disrespect for you and your marriage. I know it's cruel, but you've already lost her as far as who you thought she was and what you thought your marriage was.

 

Are you really willing to turn a blind eye? That will destroy any shred of self-esteem and dignity you have.

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Your choice is to go forward without trusting her and probably just keeping quiet about it or confront her and it blow up and at the end of which you still will not have trust. So you've lost trust. Now, whether you decide to go forward with things how they are or to go forward in turmoil, only you can decide.

 

Have you two ever had any separation during which she might have done this or any particularly rocky period or anything? In other words, could there have been contributing factors at all? Examples might be disagreement about whether to have children, or her thinking you were cheating. Or does it just seem like she randomly cheated and might still be cheating on you?

 

Very sorry to hear it either way. I do understand when you really don't want to lose someone and IF things are going along peacefully for you two, then maybe it's not worth it. But it may eat at you and bring discord no matter your best intentions.

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Happy Lemming

These archived messages... are they from before the two of you got married?? Were they from when you were dating/exclusive?? Or do the messages pre-date you altogether??

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coldfuzion1978

We did have a little time out a few years back and that’s around the same time these WhatsApp messages started. As far as I can gather, he moved interstate a couple of years back but they kept in contact and still hooked up whenever he was back in town.

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coldfuzion1978
These archived messages... are they from before the two of you got married?? Were they from when you were dating/exclusive?? Or do the messages pre-date you altogether??

 

The messages started before we got married but we were exclusive by then and were living together. It continued even after we got engaged and married.

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Happy Lemming
The messages started before we got married but we were exclusive by then and were living together. It continued even after we got engaged and married.

 

So the messages are a couple of years old, now. Do you think she has another cell phone (burner phone) that she uses to contact him?? Or do you think its all over at this point??

 

Personally if its been over a couple of years and you are basically happy, I might let dead dogs lie and just forget about it.

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coldfuzion1978
So the messages are a couple of years old, now. Do you think she has another cell phone (burner phone) that she uses to contact him?? Or do you think its all over at this point??

 

Personally if its been over a couple of years and you are basically happy, I might let dead dogs lie and just forget about it.

 

It’s still ongoing. Last message was a couple weeks back wishing him Happy 2019 and she can’t wait to meet up when he’s back in town in Feb.

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The Dude Abides

 

She doesn’t know that I know and I don’t know what I should do next. I’m scared that if I confront her...I will end up losing her which I can’t bear to!

 

Hello, I'm sorry you're going through this agonizing situation.

 

You say you can't bear to lose her, which is understandable. But are you willing to share her? That is what you have unwittingly been doing. And it is hard to imagine that she has weaned herself off of her interest for illicit hookups.

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The Dude Abides
It’s still ongoing. Last message was a couple weeks back wishing him Happy 2019 and she can’t wait to meet up when he’s back in town in Feb.

 

You posted this while I was tying my post. That is terrible news.

 

Are you wiling to share? :eek: I bet not.

 

This isn't the type of marriage you envisioned, is it? I don't see working this one out.

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If the roles were reversed, would you wife be so accepting and passive as you.

Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. She clearly has shown that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

My suggestions would be:

1. Get tested for STD's

2. See an attorney at once to understand your options.

3. If the OM is married, then immediately out him at once to his wife or partner.

 

I feel very sorry for you since this has been going on for years and sounds like it has been going on prior to and continued during your marriage. You deserve better. It is a shame that apparently you do not believe that you deserve better.

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Happy Lemming
It’s still ongoing. Last message was a couple weeks back wishing him Happy 2019 and she can’t wait to meet up when he’s back in town in Feb.

 

Oh... that's not good.

 

At this point, I think I would mirror "LivingWaterPlease" suggestion of a marriage counselor to see if the marriage can be saved.

 

Maybe do some preliminary research on marriage counselors in your area??

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I’m scared that if I confront her...I will end up losing her which I can’t bear to!

 

Is sharing her better than losing her? If so do NOT confront. Now she has to hide and be discreet. If she knows that you know she can do it in the open. Plus she will lose respect for you if you allow her to openly have sex with another man.

 

Unless you can live without her keep your mouth shut.

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Happy Lemming

Now I'm curious as to why she would marry you, if she wanted the company of this other man, before and during your marriage??

 

I mean why get married if you want to be with another??

 

I'm not trying to marginalize the pain you are going through, it just strikes a chord in me as to why??

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Jumping into marriage counseling during an active affair is a waste of time and money.

 

You not only don't have a marriage but you never did. It was all based on lies before the wedding.

 

Your actions/behavior are very doormatish.

 

You need individual counseling.

 

No woman is ever going to respect that and it very unnattractive

 

Better wake up

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coldfuzion1978
Now I'm curious as to why she would marry you, if she wanted the company of this other man, before and during your marriage??

 

I mean why get married if you want to be with another??

 

I'm not trying to marginalize the pain you are going through, it just strikes a chord in me as to why??

 

 

I guess I was the safe bet...the good man who will take care of her...classic case of I love her more than she loves me I guess...

From reading through the messages it does appear the other guy isn’t the sort looking for a long term committed relationship. They fight over this constantly and then kiss and make up over and over.

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Happy Lemming
I guess I was the safe bet...the good man who will take care of her...classic case of I love her more than she loves me I guess...

From reading through the messages it does appear the other guy isn’t the sort looking for a long term committed relationship. They fight over this constantly and then kiss and make up over and over.

 

So you provide stability, but no fun... He is fun, but provides no stability.

 

In the end, he gets the milk and you have to pay for the cow.

 

What do you think you are going to do??

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Happy Lemming

I'm so sorry... I didn't realize there was a young child in the mix. What a mess!

 

Not to add insult to injury, but could the other guy be the father??

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I'm not looking to be harsh, but if you're unwilling to do anything how exactly can we help? What are you looking for?

 

We can share how we handled our situations, what we wish we would have done differently, faster, better. None of it will do you any good if you are just going to accept the situation.

 

I will say this, it's most likely your wife is using this guy as a fantasy escape. There is a very good chance she wouldn't want a relationship with him if you left her today. Sadly, only one way to find any of this out.

 

No point in marriage counseling until she knows you know and you have both committed to work it out or work out of it. otherwise, like already mentioned, you're just wasting time, emotional energy and money.

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coldfuzion1978
I'm so sorry... I didn't realize there was a young child in the mix. What a mess!

 

Not to add insult to injury, but could the other guy be the father??

 

Yes that’s the complicated part

 

Quite sure child is mine as wife and I are both Asians and the other guy isn’t

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