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Dearly Missing My AP / How Long Does the Pain Last?


Mike1111

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Hi Everyone, I hope my story helps someone out there in this situation. Mine has some interesting (and very heartbreaking) twists. I’ll use pseudonyms and altered places to protect everyone involved. Be forewarned, it’s long – and very recent. And after reading it, if you have any thoughts on how long the pain lasts, please let me know – I’d sure appreciate some help or comments.

 

Background: I ("Mike" – 50 years old) have been married for 26 years to a good person ("Diana" – 54 years old). She (like anyone) has her share of flaws (as do I), plus a background of childhood sexual abuse by her stepfather. We have one child ("Martin" – 17 years old), who is a wonderful son. Diana is an excellent mother, and usually a very good spouse. But two specific "flaws" have bothered me throughout our marriage: 1) She was often unhappy for what I perceived to be no good reason – like waking up on a beautiful Saturday morning in a bad mood. Or – my classic complaint – I would get home from work before her and be working on dinner in the kitchen and she would come home from work, enter the kitchen, see me doing something she didn’t like, and storm through the kitchen without saying a word and go upstairs. I always found this to be ultra-rude and insensitive. And this particular flaw was noticed by everyone – friends, family, etc. (not just me). The usual euphemism we all used was that Diana was "moody". And flaw #2): Diana is very passive when making love (I’m assuming probably related to the abuse). As in usually just lying there quietly. I often wasn’t even certain when/if she had an orgasm. We’ve had pretty frank discussions about sex and I’ve often told her I need more, and we even enjoy watching the occasional porn together, but she’s just been, well, a very boring lover. And the last bit of background: our marriage has never been very romantic – from the very beginning. We sort of got married because it seemed like a reasonable next step. It certainly hasn’t been terrible, just not a tight bond between us, and I somewhat resented her for that. But overall, I would say we did function as a very good family unit. Our son is well-adjusted and our careers are doing well.

 

Now to the present mess (I’ll leave out some details for brevity): I travel for business often, and last year (March 2018) I was in Argentina staying in a hotel and feeling lonely (and horny) so I put up a quick post on Tinder saying I was interested in "adult fun", and did not mention my marital status. Surprisingly, I got a lot of hits very quickly (all in Spanish – which I do not speak – thanks Google Translator), but one woman in particular ("Selena" 54 years old) caught my eye because of her big beautiful smile – just beaming -- that happy person I was craving. In her profile, she made clear that she was only interested in a long-term relationship. She was also 2 years post-divorce from a 25-year marriage with a very controlling spouse. I promptly ignored the long-term relationship part, and Selena didn’t read my profile because she doesn’t speak English. However when I texted her that night, she made clear that she was not interested in "casual sex". I clearly remember responding that "sex between us would never be casual". She seemed to like that response and agreed to meet to talk in the hotel lobby. When we met, I was overwhelmed – she was exactly what I had hoped: beautiful and brightly cheerful. And she liked me too. We sat in the lobby and talked (through Google Translator) for hours. After which we said goodnight and agreed to do the same thing the next night. And we did – another evening of hours of translated discussions. We really enjoyed each other’s company. At the end of that evening on the way to her car, I kissed her, and she reciprocated. It was an electrifying kiss. The third night, we went to a romantic dinner and afterward, she had me drive through a beautiful city park and then park the car. We then had an incredibly romantic, intimate, and erotic make-out session – felt like we were 18. We drove back to the hotel and ended up in my room where we made passionate love and fell asleep in each other’s arms – true bliss for both of us. But a small warning bell was going off in my head – we were falling for each other. I could feel it. But I ignored it for the moment. The next morning, while rolling around in bed, she found my wallet and was looking through it and found several pictures of my wife and I. I just lied. I said we were separated and working through the divorce process. She accepted the explanation at the moment, but I could see a hint of concern in her eyes.

 

The next several days were more of the same – blissful discussions, holding hands, gazing into each other’s eyes – the whole romantic nine yards. From what I’ve learned on MarriageHelper, we were fast falling into limerence. Now, I’m not a monster, so I began developing some severe guilt over the deception I was creating with Selena (but oddly, did not feel any guilt over deceiving my wife – I felt like she had had her chance). I discussed the situation with my best friend ("Tim") and his response was quick: if you have true feelings for Selena you absolutely must tell her right away that you are married and let the chips fall where they may. So the next night, after dinner, I sat her on the bed, and -- through tears – told her I had been lying to her and that I was most definitely married. She was furious and deeply hurt – it was a bad scene, to say the least. She scooped up all her belongings, stomped to the door and flung it open to leave and had one foot in the hallway, all the while I was both begging her forgiveness and asking her not to leave (I had picked up a few critical words/phrases of Spanish). She paused, and – against her better judgement – turned around and came back in the room and fell into my arms crying. We decided that we would just live for the moment and enjoy our remaining 5 days together. And the days (after we got off work) were beyond fantastic – ecstasy. We were every bit "madly in love". For our last days together we planned a weekend getaway to a resort area and we had an unforgettable time together. Then came the tearful goodbye at the airport. We both said we had met 25 years too late. We parted crying and we both assumed that was the end.

 

But, oh my, I can attest that limerence is real and works like a tractor-beam. Despite the obvious language, cultural, and geographic obstacles – and my married status – we got back in touch via WhatsApp within the week and were texting daily. We longed to be in each other’s arms. Fortunately – or unfortunately -- my job called for me to visit Argentina frequently over the upcoming year. And each time we saw each other the bond became ever stronger – ever more consuming. Now, my son was in his senior year of high school and I certainly did not want to mess that up, so I came up with a plan to keep our affair secret until he left for college, then I would get a divorce, file for a fiancé visa for Selena (a looooong process), bring her to the US, and we would get married and live happily ever after.

 

Right. That lasted until June (recall we met in March), when the guilt overwhelmed me and I told my wife I had met another woman and was deeply in love with her. My wife was, of course, deeply wounded and went through all the emotions you would imagine, but resisted the advice of everyone (including my parents) to "throw his sh*t out in the street" and I stayed at home living in the spare bedroom. She basically said I would need to choose. And thus began a 7-month living hell in which I flat-out could not make a decision. I still saw Selena periodically, including even a trip with her to the US. And we broke up no less than 5 times. But each time the gut-wrenching agony in our hearts pulled us back together. We were certain we could not live without each other. And our intimate bond seemed ever tighter. We were on cloud 9 when we were together, but when separated, it was brutal. Selena needed frequent, long texting or she felt I was ignoring her, and I just didn’t have the time for the texting sessions. All the while my wife vacillated between demanding I leave, or waiting to see if I would come out of this. Eventually she amicably filed for divorce, which I agreed to, but because neither of us was certain we REALLY wanted a divorce, we dragged out the process for months (warning: divorce – even amicable -- is expensive – we wasted a lot money on attorneys). So this hellish existence continued for months in which each day I would wake up and say I was going to make a firm decision – divorce and Selena, or say goodbye to Selena and attempt to reconcile with my wife. But I never could. I had days at work in which I spent the entire day spinning a quarter on my desk waiting for some lightning bolt of wisdom to show me the "correct path". But day after day, it never came. My work production suffered, my time with my son suffered. The holidays were abysmal. I lost 12 pounds. I got sick frequently. And still there seemed no path for me. Yet I was certain that Selena was the one for me for the long term. The person that I wanted to be sitting with in a rocking chair on the porch watching the sun set at age 80. And just as Dr. Beam says, I (and Selena) thought this was my one chance in life for that relationship ecstasy that everyone dreams of. This was a one-time gift I had been given, and to let it pass by would be something that I would regret for the rest of my life. My heart told me that this was my one chance at "true happiness". And Selena was equally certain.

 

But my logical side – what remained of it – kept trying to warn me about the myriad obstacles and penalties: the profound pain it would cause my wife, the effect on my relationship with my son, the loss of half my assets and a huge chunk of my income (for alimony), and having to leave the house that I’ve raised my son in. And I was equally concerned about the penalties Selena would pay: leaving a very secure, government professional job (that she had a degree in) and pension, leaving her two adult children who were just out of college, and eventual grandchildren, her extended family, and her culture. Her possible loss of identity when she was unable to practice her trained profession in the US due to inability to attain licensure and a language barrier. I envisioned her sitting disillusioned in a small house in the US while I was at work, alone in a foreign culture and unable to speak the language. And eventually becoming bitter about the price she had paid. But Selena -- being deep in limerence -- felt this could all be overcome – that "true love conquers all." And with me being ultra-madly in love too, I wanted to believe it would work too. So I told my wife we should continue with the divorce process (through a mediator this time) and I would move out.

 

And that brings us just about up to the present. Two weeks ago, I summoned some courage from somewhere and broke up (again) via WhatsApp – crying the whole time as I composed the message. I knew a text message breakup was cowardly, but also knew I couldn’t face her and break up – the pull was too strong. Alas, I had another mandatory trip to Argentina scheduled that Selena already knew about. I texted with her prior to the trip, but attempted to maintain our broken up status in the texts. But in my heart, I knew what I really wanted – to see her waiting for me at the airport. Which was why I did nothing to prevent that from happening. And sure enough – and to my intense joy – we fell back into each other’s arms. The bliss returned. We squeezed each so hard and felt the intense love flood through us – both of us ecstatic that it wasn’t really over. That our chance at lifelong happiness hadn’t been lost. And the next four days were blissful again – romantic dinners, passionate lovemaking, the works. But the tiny (very tiny) voice in the back of my head was still there telling me there were some serious logic flaws in this plan – and the tiny voice scared me.

 

And then it happened. My wife sent me a link to Dr. Joe Beam’s video "How to End an Affair with Someone You Love." She had been randomly searching the web, and come across multiple of the same type "How-to-End-it" articles and sent those also. But 4 words on Dr. Beams video title caught my eye . . . . "with Someone You Love." This seemed to be the only article/video that acknowledged the possibility that I could actually be deeply in love with Selena – not just some fling. Of course I’m skeptical of just about everything I find on the web that’s not from someplace authoritative (e.g., Mayo Clinic, Harvard.edu, etc.), but I decided to read the article solely based on those key words in the title. And I was thunderstruck – the article described EXACTLY my thoughts and feelings. Then I watched the video and was astounded that Dr. Beam had been exactly where I was – and had actually gone so far as to divorce his wife to be with his lover. And that indeed the feelings wore off and the end result was bad. For me, that gave him – and his advice -- instant credibility with me. I recognized that I must be in limerence – I was certainly madly in love with Selena. And she with me. But according to Dr. Beam, that was going to wear off. And then all those obstacles and penalties that I knew about would come roaring to the forefront and likely doom our relationship. At that moment, I sat on Selena’s bed in her apartment (she was downstairs cooking) and tried to convince myself that we were different, that our relationship was different – that our love was eternal and we would be in the rocking chairs together at age 80. But Dr. Beam was adamant – compassionate, but adamant – that it would end, and likely end badly. And he had the academic research, the vast counseling experience – and the PERSONAL EXPERIENCE to back him up. I was crushed to my soul. Staring me in the face seemed to be irrefutable evidence that I (and Selena) were in a state of love that was not only unsustainable, but likely to be something we both regretted deeply at some point in the future.

 

So the next day at work, over a series of texts, I told her we needed to break up (again). She was blindsided. I knew that she deserved to hear this in person, so I told her I would drive over to her house after work and we could "discuss" it. Via text she asked me to come into her apartment to discuss it, but from past breakup experiences with her, I knew exactly how bad this was going to be for both of us, so I said I would only meet her on the sidewalk. But as I was driving to her apartment, I was losing my nerve as I got closer. When I finally got there, I was sobbing uncontrollably (I know – very manly) – I was every bit of the word "distraught". I just sat there crying for at least half an hour. Then suddenly Selena popped into the passenger side of the car and began crying uncontrollably too. It was a horrible scene. We hugged each other like our lives depended on it. Selena begged me not to break up. She swore we could make it past every obstacle – that our love was undeniable and otherworldly. And I badly wanted to believe her. I really, really wanted to believe that we could ride off into the sunset. But Dr. Beam’s words kept ringing in my ears: "It always ends". So with my last ounce of emotional strength, I leaned over and opened the passenger door and sort of physically pushed Selena out of the car. Yes – imagine that scene for a moment – it’s exactly as horrible as it sounds. You’re deeply, madly in love with someone, you’re crying uncontrollably, she’s crying uncontrollably – and you have to push the "love of your life" out of the car and drive away. I don’t think I was far from a heart attack – I couldn’t breathe, my heart was squeezed, and I couldn’t feel my legs. I managed to drive about 5 blocks out of sight and then had to pull over and just scream and cry. It was bad. Really bad.

 

So here we are now, 1 week later. I explained the whole situation to my wife. She saw the obvious trauma I was going through and decided that I was paying my pound of flesh and was willing to attempt to make our marriage what we wanted (notice I didn’t say "repair our marriage" – our marriage needs a full remake – not a repair).

 

I didn’t follow Dr. Beam’s direction explicitly to cut off all communication immediately (I know, that’s potentially a serious mistake), but I felt that would be too harsh. So as I was at the airport, I texted back and forth with her to allow her to vent her feelings, but I avoided saying anything that would lead her on (no "I love you", etc.). And of course, just texting her made me cry. Then after I landed back in the US, I stopped reading all WhatsApp messages (I only used WhatsApp for Selena). Sure, I could have blocked her on WhatsApp, but again, that seemed too harsh. I just let the unread messages pile up. Dangerous, I know. Then she began emailing me. And messaging my wife on Facebook (which was not uncommon – Selena and my wife had intermittently messaged each other in the past. Nothing bad, just conversation). So my wife composed a nice FB message asking Selena to give us the emotional space to try to work on our marriage. Selena, in her profound pain 5,000 miles away, was less than charitable in her response. Understandable. I also composed a single email and acknowledged our deep feelings for each other (I avoided the word "love") but said we could no longer communicate. She sent several more emails – some pleading, some vitriolic, and I badly want to respond.

 

So for those of you out there in some manner of the same situation, here’s where I am at now emotionally: I’m devastated. I wish I could say otherwise, but it’s the truth. I miss Selena dearly. And it kills me to think of the anguish Selena is going through alone. I’ve deeply hurt Selena and that thought squeezes my heart like a vise. Even as I type this I’m on the verge of tears. But I believe in Dr. Beam’s words and so I soldier on. With each day I hope that my pain (and Selena’s) will ease a bit. I wish I could say there was some way to make it easier, but if there is, I sure haven’t found it. It hurts really, really badly. Every day. I’m just trying to hold it together mentally until (hopefully) time heals some of these wounds. Geez, I hope it doesn’t take too long.

 

As for my wife: she watched many of Dr. Beam’s videos, and thus understands my pain and is willing to allow me to grieve over my loss. Which makes her a pretty special person. And don’t get me wrong – there was no dramatic tearful recommitment between my wife and I – we BOTH know that we have to make some dramatic changes in how we relate to each other if we’re going to avoid going back to a barely adequate marriage. We may try to attend the Dr. Beams Marriage Crisis seminar in a couple weeks. It’s expensive, but certainly far cheaper than bloodsucking lawyers (a bit of dark humor there).

 

Finally, a heartfelt "Thank You" to Dr. Beam. One week ago, your video literally changed my life. Hearing it from an accomplished academic – WHO HAS ACTUALLY BEEN IN MY EXACT PLACE – was a game changer

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My heart truly goes out to your wife.

 

I cannot imagine what she is going through and has been through.

 

Does she have a therapist?

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Thank you for posting your story. I think that if this OW really loves you like she says she does then she would be doing NC right now and letting you work things out with your wife. I speak from the place of being the OW who is doing that right now. Good luck.

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Interesting how the only faults mentioned were your wife's. Are we expected to believe you were so perfect in your marriage but cheated without a second thought on your business trip.

 

You did this so easily, with an air of practise that I somehow doubt this is the first time you've gone searching for sex on your business trips but this time you caught feels. You sound as though you've been totally disconnected from your wife for years and it's no surprise she's reacted to it.

 

Honestly you sound like you're staying married because it's cheaper, if that's true it's not fair to put your wife through the pain of trying to reconcile because it won't work.

 

Oh, just one more thing, you will have to help your wife heal from the affair before you can even start working on a new marriage.

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Mike, I am in exactly the same boat as you. There is simply no magic formula. I have been without married man since July and the only thing I can say is that the heart attack feeling gets lighter but the love doesnt disappear. U have to find a special place in your heart for her and keep living your life and take one day at a time. I'm sorry for all of us that have experienced the love of another while being married. At the end of the day, everyone looses.

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My heart truly goes out to your wife.

 

I cannot imagine what she is going through and has been through.

 

Does she have a therapist?

 

 

Wallysbears: No, my wife doesn't have a dedicated therapist. We've both been to see a counselor through a work/life program at our employer. I believe she's seen the counselor about 4 times, but nothing recently. You're right, now would probably be a good time for some more sessions.

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Thank you for posting your story. I think that if this OW really loves you like she says she does then she would be doing NC right now and letting you work things out with your wife. I speak from the place of being the OW who is doing that right now. Good luck.

 

 

 

Rayce, thanks for your comment. How do you find the strength to remain NC?

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Interesting how the only faults mentioned were your wife's. Are we expected to believe you were so perfect in your marriage but cheated without a second thought on your business trip.

 

You did this so easily, with an air of practise that I somehow doubt this is the first time you've gone searching for sex on your business trips but this time you caught feels. You sound as though you've been totally disconnected from your wife for years and it's no surprise she's reacted to it.

 

Honestly you sound like you're staying married because it's cheaper, if that's true it's not fair to put your wife through the pain of trying to reconcile because it won't work.

 

Oh, just one more thing, you will have to help your wife heal from the affair before you can even start working on a new marriage.

 

 

Amethyst, Oh I'm far from perfect. So yes, I have to do some serious improving also. And I wouldn't say I've been disconnected from my wife, but certainly we haven't been "in love" for a while (probably never were). And you're right -- that "in love" feeling was not something I expected with Selena. And now I need to try to fall in love with my wife (and she with me). No, I don't want to stay married for financial reasons, I actually think we're possibly each other's best chance for happiness. So thank you for the advice about helping her heal from the affair. She's got some work to do to improve herself also, but I acknowledge what you're saying -- I need to help her heal from the affair. Thanks for the thoughts.

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Well my story is a bit different... but overall the feelings are the same.

 

I think for me it maybe easier than with others because I have loved my ex since I was a young woman. That was over 40 years ago. Due to circumstances beyond our control we were ripped apart. I was heartbroken at that time. Since it was not of our doing I put him in a safe place in my heart and lived my life... I am able to compartmentalize the situation this way. So now and I told him this in my ramblings just stuffed him back in his spot in my heart! I already know that I can love him and live my life without him because I did it for 40 years. Because its the right thing to do, its what he wants and I accept that. Hope that helps.

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Mike, I am in exactly the same boat as you. There is simply no magic formula. I have been without married man since July and the only thing I can say is that the heart attack feeling gets lighter but the love doesnt disappear. U have to find a special place in your heart for her and keep living your life and take one day at a time. I'm sorry for all of us that have experienced the love of another while being married. At the end of the day, everyone looses.

 

 

Naïvewomen: do you allow yourself to think about him? Did you throw away all the mementos, or put them in a special place? Geez, not very encouraging that you say the love doesn't disappear after 7 months. Do you ever daydream about getting back together? Thanks a bunch for your comments -- I wish neither you nor I -- or anyone else -- had to deal with this pain. Best Wishes.

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Both women got duped and hurt big time.

Is that love???

 

 

 

Elaine, that's sure a fair question. Certainly my wife didn't get treated with love (though she bears a small part of the fault) and the love I have for Selena sure makes me wish she wasn't hurt too. If you love someone, you certainly don't like seeing them hurt.

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Really thought I was done here but....

 

Certainly my wife didn't get treated with love (though she bears a small part of the fault)

 

Oh do tell? Please elaborate on this!

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So was this the first time you cheated? You addressed the other points in my post but ignored that one, which is pretty significant.

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Hi mike1111, I just wanted to Share my experience, not sure if it will help. I had a 3.5 year affair that started with incredible limmerance just like yours, we tried breaking up many times in the first year but just couldnt live without each other. I’m married with three kids and am 48 yo, I’ve been married for 19 years. After the first year or so of extremes my ow and I settled into a groove of honesty and more routine love. I still love her more than ever, but I have three kids and tried to leave my marriage several times, my wife fought to keep me in it and I just couldn’t handle the pain it was causing her and my children anymore. Last October I ended my affair and have been no contact since. I had to push my affair partner away, she’s beautiful, smart, and kind and has found someone new which I’m happy about. I still dream of her most nights and love her dearly but an affair is no way to start a relationship, as your research has shown it’s just not good in many ways. My plan is to stay married for two years till my kids are out of the home then divorce. Then I can be alone or find love again the right way, this is the only path I see that I can live with. I understand your pain, I’ve been there. I’m at peace with my current plan but couldn’t tolerate breaking up the affair during the limmerance phase, it was so overwhelming. Affairs are a big trade off of love and pain but the experience has been life changing for me. My advice is to stick with no contact and figure out what you want from life and come up with a plan that works for you. I’ve had a lot of ic to get to this point. Hope this helps some.

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Missedmistress

I just don't get why people are always advised to go back to a relationship they obviously know doesn't make them happy, you had many years to prove that. I guess, let me rephrase that, for kids (for a while yes), finances (F that, you only live once) but OP, you know you can't 'fall in love' with your wife again because you say never loved her and you can't change someone to the core of who they are. If you decide that 'companionship' is enough to define a happy marriage and will make you happy long-term, that's different, go for it.

 

Interestingly, those things that particularly bother you about your wife are characteristics my MM/OM described bothered him in his wife (like exactly), they were a good team otherwise. She also acknowledged this by saying 'you know I could be a moody pain in the a**' but did NOTHING to change for decades until the affair kicked in, then she turned into super wife, but that's not who she really is, she is a very passive person, it's possessiveness and jealousy driven, all for a prize of a cheating husband? (She doesn't even know there have been others before me).

 

Anyway, I think this type of resentment builds up over the years and unless that person changes (which they often won't or can't), it doesn't get better long term. I've never seen a lonelier man in a marriage than AP because he was longing all those things (being desired, acknowledged, praised, touched etc.). I consider this abuse in a marriage if one withholds these from the other.

 

Also, don't get me wrong, I went back to my marriage because I also know affairs don't work out well, and also I was once madly in love with my H. AP and I had lots of circumstances that would have made us resent each other in the long term and broke up with full limerence stage, NC for 10 months now and going strong, so I feel your pain.

 

I personally, just don't know if that's the right path for me necessarily, a year out, still deciding to leave my marriage or not (not because of AP). Oh yeah, and you can't work on the marriage with all honesty if you're still in love with someone else, this is from my experience. It's all a facade.

 

I might be unpopular with this opinion here.

Edited by Missedmistress
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Missedmistress
My plan is to stay married for two years till my kids are out of the home then divorce. Then I can be alone or find love again the right way, this is the only path I see that I can live with.

 

This is me, I think I know I'll separate but it's only a matter of when. I feel good about it though because it won't be for a third party, it will be for myself. Stay strong!

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Hi Mike, I really dont wish to ever get back with him as it's way too painful and doesnt resolve a thing. There were all pictures and I erased them all. I no longer stalk social media as that delays the healing. I work less than 5 miles from where he works so I have anxiety I may see his car on a daily basis so it's taking longer. He stopped by to say hi last week but even that helps me none. The pain is real and I don't think hes struggling as much as he never disconnected with his wife. He was real good with his words but not much of anything else. I was all in and learned the hard way. Hope others can be saved before their hearts break into two. Day by day my friend!! I hope for marriage recovery but it's hard when your heart is elsewhere. Grr!!

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Certainly my wife didn't get treated with love (though she bears a small part of the fault) and the love I have for Selena sure makes me wish she wasn't hurt too. If you love someone, you certainly don't like seeing them hurt.

 

 

Two things:

 

1. You don't LOVE your wife. Period. You don't LOVE either one of these women. If you loved either, you wouldn't be in this convoluted triangle and hurting them.

 

2. Your wife has absolutely zero responsibility for your affair. None. Not one single ounce. You were 100% capable of NOT going on a dating app and seeking out extramarital sex. And yet YOU chose to do that. The affair and ramifications of the affair are 1000% on YOUR shoulders.

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I just don't get why people are always advised to go back to a relationship they obviously know doesn't make them happy...

Because most times that is what they truly want to do.

Their logical brain takes over and the OW gets dumped, or reminded of her #2 status and the affair continues.

 

Here the poor smiley, happy woman who had a history of abuse and a dreadful marriage and who couldn't even speak English, was lied to and manipulated into thinking she had a future with the OP, only to find, when the OPs logical brain kicked in (with the help of Dr Beam), she was persona non grata.

She was, like so many others are, metaphorically "thrown under a bus" but in reality she was literally physically thrown sobbing out of his car before he drove off... to go back to his wife...

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Hi mike1111, I just wanted to Share my experience, not sure if it will help. I had a 3.5 year affair that started with incredible limmerance just like yours, we tried breaking up many times in the first year but just couldnt live without each other. I’m married with three kids and am 48 yo, <SNIP>

 

 

Psucowboy: Thank you so much for telling your story. Frankly, I'm shocked at how similar it is to mine (ages, affair breakups, children, divorce attempts, etc.) -- indeed it helps a bunch, at least to know that my feelings and reactions are "normal". Now, what is intimidating about your story is that you still dream about your OW and "love her dearly" -- even after the limerence phase is over. Yikes. That doesn't bode well for my feelings to dissipate anytime soon. I too have pondering re-attempting divorce once my son leaves in the fall, but only if I could reunite with Selena. And your advice that an affair is no way to start a relationship weighs heavily on my thoughts of trying to reunite with Selena. And that would still hurt my wife deeply. So, I'm going to hope these feelings run their course. Thanks again for the thoughts and advice -- genuinely appreciated.

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Missedmistress
Because most times that is what they truly want to do.

Their logical brain takes over and the OW gets dumped, or reminded of her #2 status and the affair continues.

 

Here the poor smiley, happy woman who had a history of abuse and a dreadful marriage and who couldn't even speak English, was lied to and manipulated into thinking she had a future with the OP, only to find, when the OPs logical brain kicked in (with the help of Dr Beam), she was persona non grata.

She was, like so many others are, metaphorically "thrown under a bus" but in reality she was literally physically thrown sobbing out of his car before he drove off... to go back to his wife...

 

I guess you're right, it's just so cliche. e.g. my AP and I were told, 'just try to be happy', it's 'good enough' - by family and professionals. This is more what I meant, not the motivation of the cheater going back when they truly snap back, but the people around you giving the advice to continue the farce of a marriage.

 

I truly feel bad for Selena for sure in this scenario, I can empathize with her. And the wife, obviously, she should be the one divorcing and not assisting with this soap opera. But she is winning because he chose her...NOT.

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Missedmistress
I too have pondering re-attempting divorce once my son leaves in the fall, but only if I could reunite with Selena.

 

Then tell your wife that, you are staying until your son leaves and that's it, if she is ok with that of course. Leaving it on the condition that this poor woman (Selena) may or may not survive this heartbreak and wants to start up something with you, is extremely cruel to both of them.

 

Please don't end your marriage with jumping into the affair. Separate now if that's what you want, work on yourself, set up a new you and THEN accept that Selena may or may not want to talk to you at that stage, but you should live with that after the pain you caused for both women. That's the only honorable way out of this.

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Two things:

 

1. You don't LOVE your wife. Period. You don't LOVE either one of these women. If you loved either, you wouldn't be in this convoluted triangle and hurting them.

 

2. Your wife has absolutely zero responsibility for your affair. None. Not one single ounce. You were 100% capable of NOT going on a dating app and seeking out extramarital sex. And yet YOU chose to do that. The affair and ramifications of the affair are 1000% on YOUR shoulders.

 

 

Wallsbears: Respectfully, I disagree on both points.

1) I DO love my wife, and I certainly feel like I love Selena. But (in my opinion), love does not enable you to overcome all obstacles in a relationship. Surely you know of some couples who love each other but ended up divorcing because they just weren't fully compatible.

2) Certainly I was capable of not initiating any of it, and I accept responsibility for the problems and pain that has caused. But to say that a spouse who refuses (or is unable) to meet some simple relationship needs (eg, courtesy and reasonable sex participation) bears no responsibility for faultlines that develop in a marriage is unrealistic, I believe.

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I guess you're right, it's just so cliche. e.g. my AP and I were told, 'just try to be happy', it's 'good enough' - by family and professionals. This is more what I meant, not the motivation of the cheater going back when they truly snap back, but the people around you giving the advice to continue the farce of a marriage.

 

I truly feel bad for Selena for sure in this scenario, I can empathize with her. And the wife, obviously, she should be the one divorcing and not assisting with this soap opera. But she is winning because he chose her...NOT.

 

 

MissedMistress and Elaine: I appreciate your thoughts from a female perspective. However, I think there's a misunderstanding of the actual motivations and thoughts of both me and my wife. I actually try to be a good person on a daily basis, but, of course, don't always succeed. I didn't want to hurt my wife or family, but also had some fairly important needs unmet in the marriage (despite talking about them fairly frequently). So my thought was that perhaps I could satisfy this need quickly outside the marriage and cause no harm/hurt to my wife. But of course nothing is ever that simple.

 

 

As for Selena -- yes, I actively misled (lied) her for 4 days. And I deeply regret that, but I wasn't expecting either of us to fall for each other. And I DID realize how terrible that was and came clean with her fairly quickly. And then we both made the mistake of continuing for the next 5 days, thus ensuring pain for both of us. Beyond that, I never misled her and was indeed in the middle of the divorce process, but beyond my worries with my wife's pain, I was truly concerned about what Selena might mistakenly give up to be with me. Meaning, I was genuinely concerned about her long term happiness -- her career, her extended family, etc. I was afraid that in the throes of limerence, she might be making some judgement mistakes that would haunt her. THAT'S why I gently pushed her out of the car -- genuine concern for her (along with the other problems I was causing).

 

 

And my wife (Diana): She's not just passively accepting all of this. She has accepted some responsibility for not handling our marriage well (as have I) and has started on Zoloft to improve her acknowledged "moodiness" and will work being on more open about enjoying sex. I, in turn, will work on my acknowledged faults. Which leaves us both pondering exactly what to do with our 26 years of shared good companionship. Can it be the basis for a future romantic relationship that we both want? Or should we hug and part ways? And while she is hurt with my lingering feelings for Selena, she also knows that didn't come out of nowhere (see above points). Neither one of is quite sure what's best for us. And there's certainly no "winning". Just trying to figure out the best path. But whatever we decide, indeed it will all be above board and understood and an agreed upon path.

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