LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

Dearly Missing My AP / How Long Does the Pain Last?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree85Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 25th January 2019, 3:03 PM   #46
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Psucowboy View Post
Hey mike, glad my post helped some.. probably helped me to post here too! I admit that the dreams suck, they are less frequent but every time I wake up I have to go through the pain of realizing it’s over. It took me years to get to this point, I couldn’t have changed any sooner but that’s me. It really does help me to remind myself why I had to end the affair.

<SNIP>

Psucowboy: Wow, I'm amazed that my thoughts/feelings are almost exactly the same as yours. Besides the pain it's caused my wife, Selena was alone and waiting for her moments of love and connection with me, along with the occasional trauma from me attempting to break up -- indeed a sh*tty way to live. Yep, ending the relationship was done out my long term love and concern for her (along with with wife and son), even though the immediate result has been severe pain. Today is 8 days since we broke up and she's in emotional hell. I know this because unfortunately Selena has my work email (that I use exclusively) so she keeps sending me ultra-sad emails, but I don't respond. I suppose I could set up an Outlook rule and have her emails automatically deleted -- should I do that?


And, yep, even when I entertain the concept (if it were possible), it seems that moving straight from a divorce into a relationship with the person that you left the marriage for would bring along a ton of baggage. My relationship with Selena would be burdened with the knowledge that I had to crush someone else (my wife) to make it possible. And eventually Selena would have the same feelings ("Am I a homewrecker?"). Take that and add in Selena leaving her extended family, her country, her job, and her culture, and the logical side of me says that's a recipe for a very unhappy couple down the road. I think. I'm assuming that in the real world, love doesn't conquer all.


And like you (though me for much shorter time), I do like the feeling of going to work each day with no huge emotional decision looming, or the knowledge that I'm going to have to hurt someone badly soon. Yuck. I summed it up to my best friend by saying that the extreme highs of the relationship (ecstasy looking into Selena eyes) just were not worth the soul-crushing lows. And I assume Selena is going to come to that conclusion too.


But . . . . from what you've said, I'm always going to love her. That kind of bites. Wish the feelings would go away. But I suppose that's the price you and I have to pay. Good talking with you -- helps me, and hopefully you too a little bit.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 25th January 2019 at 10:18 PM..
Mike1111 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th January 2019, 3:07 PM   #47
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 263
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike1111 View Post
YES ! I am absolutely committed to never having any improper contact with a female outside my marriage ever again. And I know that's easy to say, but this whole affair (pun intended) has been life-changing for me (as Psucowboy also noted). I have been shaken to my core with the trauma I have both caused and experienced. I wouldn't survive this a second time. I am a different and better person now. Really.

Hey there, Mike. All of the below is my personal opinion FWIW only:

To answer your original question about how long the pain lasts, I think you should plan for at least 6+ months, possibly longer, although the intensity should die down after a couple of months.

Since you intend to try to improve things, here are some suggestions to help deal with the residual limerence. It WILL fade, but it often takes a lot longer than one hopes.

  • Cut the AP *completely* out of your life during NC. No check-ins just to make sure she's ok, no final farewells, no post-mortem analysis, NO stalking on social media. Think of it as the door is locked, the key is melted down, and the door is completely paved over with concrete. This should help + any of these things may re-trigger the limerence.
  • Ignore or respond gently but firmly to any overtures from her + let her know you're going to follow up with blocking and then do it. (If you're lucky you won't get any - some women are good at cutting bait, but then again some aren't.)
  • Any momentos or similar saved from your trips/memories with her should either be thrown away or locked away for several YEARS until completely safe to see them (at which point you probably won't care to anymore).
  • Consider IC if you're not considering already.
  • Get outside/connect with nature on a regular basis, daily being preferred (at least look at nature pics online if you're in the frozen NE) - serotonin to help against the dopamine.
  • Also work out/exercise regularly - similar principle with endogenous opiates.
  • Use your job as a distraction.
  • Try to be social with friends in addition to the re-focusing on your family that you plan to do; keep in mind boundaries and adhere to them if there is any social flirting.

Think/hope the above will help with your "get over this" plan...

Last edited by mark clemson; 25th January 2019 at 3:09 PM..
mark clemson is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th January 2019, 3:56 PM   #48
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 4
Hey mike, glad itís helping, this is the first Iíve ever posted my story at all so itís helpful to me too. I do think you should block her emails. Itís hard to do but the more you do to get her out of your thoughts the better. Youíre lucky in a way that she is so far from you, my affair was with a co worker. Some of the things Iíve done to help are that we changed our shifts, I only work nights and she only works days, we work in a large hospital so this has meant no seeing each other at work. I deleted Facebook and Instagram, I deleted WhatsApp and Marco Polo which were our communication apps. Finally just a few weeks ago I deleted an app that had 500+ pictures and videos she had shared with me and of us together. That was hard but good. When I say I still love her itís becoming more of a fact than a feeling, and after 3.5 years itís been a huge change for me but is getting much easier so donít worry about that too much. It definitely is getting easier. Iíve read 10+ books on affairs and that has helped too, we who are involved in loving/limmerance affairs all share similar stories and feelings.
Psucowboy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th January 2019, 4:16 PM   #49
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 227
@psucowboy. Its comforting to hear from a man. Many men believe that the MM could never have loved the other women. Many men on here believe that the men were just looking for sex. This helps me because I too believe the MM loved me. We were coworkers as well. It has been many months NC. I have read every thread and every book. I have even gone to IC nothing is getting me past the facts. I am deeply in love with him and marriage recovery seems near impossible with this feeling. MM definitely didnt want to destroy lives and wasnt willing to give up his family, so I am just waiting for the day the pain becomes lighter. It has been nearly 7 months. He recently reached out but it was more to see how I was doing. Nothing to restart anything as i was in too deep and almost divorced because if it. I cant belive the experience of another could be so difficult but it is!
Naivewomen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th January 2019, 4:51 PM   #50
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rayce View Post
I think bring kids in on adults matters and problems is a mistake. What kind of life lesson are you teaching your son by being so open and honest with him?

Rayce: In general I (and my wife) agree. We have gone to great lengths to not put him our in a position of having to takes a side, or be asked to have an opinion. But it was obvious that I had serious relationship outside the marriage, so we had to acknowledge that. Didn't see any way around that.
Mike1111 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th January 2019, 5:00 PM   #51
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by mark clemson View Post
Hey there, Mike. All of the below is my personal opinion FWIW only:

To answer your original question about how long the pain lasts, I think you should plan for at least 6+ months, possibly longer, although the intensity should die down after a couple of months.

<SNIP>

Mark: I really appreciate the guidance. Will follow it. 6 months? And I'm at 1 week now? Aughh, this is going to be painful. Plus that means my wife has to put up with me being mopey about Selena for a while. I'll try to keep it to myself.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 25th January 2019 at 10:18 PM..
Mike1111 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th January 2019, 5:00 PM   #52
Established Member
 
Rayce's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 314
I understand that. I agree with Naivewomen that it is nice to hear the other side. Personally it just makes it easier for me if I go forth think, feeling and believing that he loves me. I really have no clue what happened. It would be so much more hurtful if finding each other again after all these years to only succeeded in hating each other.
Rayce is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th January 2019, 5:08 PM   #53
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 4
@naivewoman, glad that helps you.. I certainly do love her very much.. Iím sorry youíre still hurting after 7 months.
Psucowboy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th January 2019, 5:10 PM   #54
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Naivewomen View Post
@psucowboy. Its comforting to hear from a man. Many men believe that the MM could never have loved the other women. Many men on here believe that the men were just looking for sex. <snip>

Naivewomen: Well, based on my experience and that of Psucowboy, I'd say that if you firmly believe that your MM loved you, then he very likely did/does. And deeply. And probably misses you to this day. Because he and I certainly feel that way. That probably doesn't make it any easier, but at least you know that there were genuine feelings behind your relationship -- not just a fling.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th January 2019 at 5:02 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote
Mike1111 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th January 2019, 5:14 PM   #55
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rayce View Post
I understand that. I agree with Naivewomen that it is nice to hear the other side. Personally it just makes it easier for me if I go forth think, feeling and believing that he loves me. I really have no clue what happened. It would be so much more hurtful if finding each other again after all these years to only succeeded in hating each other.

Rayce: See what I just mentioned to Naivewomen above. From a man's perspective, your AP most likely deeply loved/es you. Men can fall just as hard as women, and the feelings are just as real.
Mike1111 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th January 2019, 5:25 PM   #56
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Psucowboy View Post
Hey mike, glad it’s helping, this is the first I’ve ever posted my story at all so it’s helpful to me too. I do think you should block her emails. It’s hard to do but the more you do to get her out of your thoughts the better. You’re lucky in a way that she is so far from you, my affair was with a co worker.<snip>

Psucowboy: A coworker? OMG, I can't imagine the pain of maintaining a breakup under those conditions. Just knowing that she's walking some of the same hallways, eating in the same cafeteria, etc., would be so difficult. I'm struggling -- and Selena is on another continent! And I'm sure it's just as difficult for your AP. Wow, a lot of strength in you two. I wish I could give Selena some of that strength -- she has no one at the moment. And that kills me. But I'm glad it's getting easier for you. Gives me hope.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th January 2019 at 5:02 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote
Mike1111 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th January 2019, 5:35 PM   #57
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
Good grief - this thread makes me queasy. And I've been both the betrayed wife and the one involved with a married man.

<SNIP>

Finding My Way: I beg to differ. I will never be unfaithful in a committed relationship again. I may end up divorced, but I won't be unfaithful one way or another. It's easy for me to say this because the pain I've seen in my wife's face and Selena's face is etched into my brain. I don't EVER want to be the cause of something like that again. And add in the trauma I've gone through (because of the pain I've caused), and that's the magic recipe for me. Don't want any of that ever again.


And, I agree, I'm wasn't being a "good guy" when I was actively lying and hurting other people. That's why I stopped.


And I really do love my wife and Selena, but certainly it's different at the moment. I love my wife in that I care about her and her wellbeing. I love Selena . . . . well, I'm not sure how to characterize that, but I do love her. Now can I get the "Selena love" with my wife? We'll see. Not sure how to do that, but I'll try. And I hope Selena finds someone that makes her happy the way I did -- before I broke her heart and mine.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 25th January 2019 at 10:19 PM..
Mike1111 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th January 2019, 5:40 PM   #58
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 16,584
Does your wife know about the other women?
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th January 2019, 5:40 PM   #59
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Missedmistress View Post
Yes, this is the best act of love you can show her now, stay in NC, especially if you're staying with your wife or haven't decided on a definite course of action.

<SNIP>

MissedMistress: Thanks for the insight from a female perspective on what Selena is going through. Pretty much what I imagined. And is exactly what makes me want to contact her -- to make sure she know it wasn't all a lie, that she wasn't fooled. But I won't. I do think that when she saw me sitting in the car in front of her apartment sobbing uncontrollably that surely she knew that ending our relationship wasn't easy (as far from "easy" as it gets). That I was (and am) in serious pain. I just have to hope she knows that.


Good luck working on your marriage.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 25th January 2019 at 10:19 PM..
Mike1111 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th January 2019, 5:45 PM   #60
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Does your wife know about the other women?

Elaine: She knows about one other (no emotional attachment -- definitely not a "Selena situation"). And we've both agreed to leave it at that -- let bygones be bygones. Our biggest hurdle at the moment (we'll work on the other hurdles later) is dealing with me being sad about Selena. Diana is being understanding about that (mainly because she acknowledges a part in making our marriage rocky), but it's still hard for her to see me being mopey because I miss Selena (duh).
Mike1111 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I Miss her dearly. Should I call her? Doefat04 Second Chances 9 27th July 2011 4:39 AM
cheated and paying dearly regrets07 Infidelity 12 13th December 2007 4:04 PM
i love him dearly, but no chemisty musicqueen1012 Dating 3 29th August 2006 2:54 AM
How do you get to the root of your arguing with someone you love dearly? Guinevere04 Dating 4 25th August 2005 8:51 AM
Need Help with ex that i love so dearly tic404 Breaks and Breaking Up 1 10th February 2005 9:52 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 2:24 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.