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Dearly Missing My AP / How Long Does the Pain Last?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 25th January 2019, 12:23 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by Wallysbears View Post
Love isn't a feeling, love (in my definition) is a verb. You can't LOVE someone and purposefully hurt them repeatedly. And that is what you are doing.

<SNIP>

Wallysbears: First, I'm trying not to hurt anybody repeatedly. That's exactly what I'm trying to stop here.


And my wife and I DID have open and honest discussions about the problems in our marriage. With me going so far as to say once "Diana, if you can't get control of these crazy mood swings, we're going to end up divorced", or "If you need something more from me sexually (toys? different technique, whatever) for you to be more sexually expressive -- just tell me, I won't be offended" . And she would apologize, and then it would happen again. So maybe we should have pursued divorce at that point, but it certainly didn't seem like the best path for our son at the time since we did function well together otherwise. So simple extramarital sex seemed like a potential "relief valve."


Nope, not thinking about just myself. Trying to figure out what is best for four people: my wife, Selena, my son and me and do it with the least additional trauma possible. I was honest with Selena and tried to handle her emotions as best I could. I'm love her, but am trying to tuck that away. My wife and I are trying to figure out if we can be happy together long term. Both of us need to make some changes. So, no, absolutely not trying to drag this out and continue the hurt. Need closure, but both of us have to be involved in the solution. And I don't know what I can do for Selena except not hurt her further by contacting her. Your suggestions on her are welcome.

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Old 25th January 2019, 12:30 PM   #32
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It sounds like your wife has always had a low sex drive/low need for sex, and you're holding that against her. Sexual incompatibility isn't a reason to cheat, though, no matter how someone spins it. There's just no justification, ever.
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Old 25th January 2019, 12:30 PM   #33
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Well not answering that question is an obvious enough answer.
Which would obviously point to her discovering, knowing, or just having the intuition to knowing her husband had checked out and quit trying because he had other ways to meet his needs which wouldn't requiring meeting his wife's.

The obvious omission is probably because he was confronted and is adamant to only admit to what was discovered/she may have evidence of.

Sad, really.
Set your wife free.
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Old 25th January 2019, 12:33 PM   #34
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I don't understand this staying together for the kids. That is so old fashion, don't you think the kid knows what's going on? My parents were married for 50 friggen miserable years! I had a difficult relationship my mother for a long time because she choose to stay in abusive relationship.

Maintain NC toward Selena so she can heal. If it's meant to be she will be there when you are free from your marriage otherwise it is not fair for you to ask her to wait for something that may or may not happen.

I really want my ex to just show up at my door but only if he is free. I don't want to be the OW.
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Old 25th January 2019, 12:34 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
If you don't leave, are you going to commit to no longer being a cheater?

CautiouslyOptimistic and Wallysbears:


1) Partial answer: I have never had a multi-day, "encounter" with another female.


2) YES ! I am absolutely committed to never having any improper contact with a female outside my marriage ever again. And I know that's easy to say, but this whole affair (pun intended) has been life-changing for me (as Psucowboy also noted). I have been shaken to my core with the trauma I have both caused and experienced. I wouldn't survive this a second time. I am a different and better person now. Really.
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Old 25th January 2019, 12:36 PM   #36
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I believe you about 2).

As far as 1) goes.....it's still cheating. And if you've done it many times through something like Adult Friend Finder, Tinder, Craigslist, etc......I hope you're getting STD checks regularly.

This kind of behavior (1)) is what led to the end of my marriage. I permanently lost ALL respect for my exH for being willing to lower himself to that level to look for anonymous sex on the Internet.
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Old 25th January 2019, 12:38 PM   #37
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You aren't far enough out of cheating to claim that you are a different and better person.

You've likely had sex with numerous women during the course of your marriage - even if they were just one night stands.

You went away on a trip and found it acceptable to download Tinder and seek out a random hook up and think that finding a 'release valve' is acceptable.

Does your wife know that this wasn't the first time? Or the only time?

Do you intend on being fully truthful with your wife?
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Old 25th January 2019, 12:58 PM   #38
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Originally Posted by Rayce View Post
I don't understand this staying together for the kids. That is so old fashion, don't you think the kid knows what's going on? My parents were married for 50 friggen miserable years! I had a difficult relationship my mother for a long time because she choose to stay in abusive relationship.

Maintain NC toward Selena so she can heal. If it's meant to be she will be there when you are free from your marriage otherwise it is not fair for you to ask her to wait for something that may or may not happen.

I really want my ex to just show up at my door but only if he is free. I don't want to be the OW.
Rayce and Wallysbear: yes our son knows we've had frictions, but nothing terrible. And right now we've been completely honest with him about me having met someone and his mother and I working on amicably deciding the best course. So it's not a miserable existence in this case.

I'll take your advice on Selena.

Yes, honesty about all with wife from last July till now. And really, this whole experience has nearly killed me (alongside everyone else's pain) -- I'm changed. I feel it in my core. I don't want this to every happen to anyone involved with me again. Can't happen again.

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Old 25th January 2019, 12:59 PM   #39
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Hey mike, glad my post helped some.. probably helped me to post here too! I admit that the dreams suck, they are less frequent but every time I wake up I have to go through the pain of realizing it’s over. It took me years to get to this point, I couldn’t have changed any sooner but that’s me. It really does help me to remind myself why I had to end the affair.

I do love my affair partner, but the pain it was causing her was just as much as the pain you and I experience, probably more because she was just alone waiting for her moments of love and connection with me, that’s a ****ty way to live. So ending the affair was done out of my love and concern for her as well as my wife and children. I regret the pain I caused all of them. I could see that the path of moving straight from my marriage to my affair partner would be so destructive. I would be wrecking my relationship with my kids, my wife would be destroyed, and the new relationship would have so much stress and resentment that it would not survive. I believe all these things to be true.

It has been really nice to live honestly for the last months, it’s a wonderful feeling and worth giving the affair up for. My tentative plan is probable divorce but my wife deserves time, patience, and truthfulness after the **** I put her through. Perhaps over the next years our marriage will improve with this approach, I’m glad to be living in a way that’s congruent with who I am anyway. So yes I do love and miss my affair partner, enough that I am happy that she has moved on to a normal relationship and I’m not hurting her anymore. The last words she wrote to me three months ago were I will always love you, I believe her and it’s given me the strength to remain no contact, and to stop hurting both of us. I found counseling to be very helpful, and would recommend that and staying no contact, good job on starting down this path.

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Old 25th January 2019, 1:01 PM   #40
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Yes, honesty about all with wife from last July till now.
How about from the date you got married through June 30, 2018?
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Old 25th January 2019, 1:02 PM   #41
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Good grief - this thread makes me queasy. And I've been both the betrayed wife and the one involved with a married man.

OP, you are nowhere near having any clarity or rational thought on this whole mess. I don't believe for one moment that you won't be unfaithful to your wife again because you don't seem to have a real grasp on why you have been - apparently repeatedly - unfaithful in the first place.

Of course your wife shares responsibility for the problems in your marriage, but she has absolutely no responsibility for you being unfaithful. If she drove you that far away then you should have divorced her, or at the very least told her you would stay for the kids but you would be seeking emotional and physical involvement elsewhere. You have chosen to be unfaithful but to stay in your marriage for your own selfish reasons.

And lying to this other woman about your marital status, even for 4 days, was despicable and clearly, again, shows your selfishness. It doesn't matter if you didn't think it would amount to anything, she had clearly communicated she was only interested in a long term relationship.

You're not a "good guy" when you are lying and actively hurting other people in this way.

You do not love either of these women in any sense beyond what they are able to add to your life. Your actions are only for what you feel is in your self interest.
[]

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Old 25th January 2019, 1:32 PM   #42
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I would love to hear your wife's version of your marriage. Your 'poor me' and sense of entitlement comes across in your posts.

It wouldn't surprise me if your wife has been suffering from depression for years, no doubt feeling your obvious resentment. Are the friends and family that agree about her mistreatment of you aware of your abuse of her by your cheating, not just the recent affair but all the one night stands?

Was she surprised by the affair? Does she know about the rest? You owe her the truth.
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Old 25th January 2019, 1:40 PM   #43
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Originally Posted by Mike1111 View Post
And I don't know what I can do for Selena except not hurt her further by contacting her. Your suggestions on her are welcome.
Yes, this is the best act of love you can show her now, stay in NC, especially if you're staying with your wife or haven't decided on a definite course of action.

Selena will hate you, miss you, love you and repeat cycle...but at least she won't be trapped in a subpar marriage like you and hopefully will heal sooner than later. You need to understand that in her head you're having hot steamy sex with your wife now while trashing her, making amends with your wife and telling her how Selena was the biggest mistake of your life. And she probably can't get her head around how the feelings can just be gone, she will think it was all a lie and she was fooled. Just try to reverse the roles for a second to grasp this. Read up on some threads here if you want to know how single OW feels...I don't know because I'm not one of them, I'm trying to figure how to fix my subpar marriage so I know my AP is going through too, kinda.

This is out of the question for me now because I'm working on my M too but if I divorced and I'd only talk to AP if he was separated/divorced for a WHILE and he'd have to make a pretty big gesture to win me back after the emotional trauma he put me through (I assisted so don't blame him for it all).

Last edited by Missedmistress; 25th January 2019 at 1:50 PM..
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Old 25th January 2019, 1:55 PM   #44
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Rayce and Wallysbear: yes our son knows we've had frictions, but nothing terrible. And right now we've been completely honest with him about me having met someone and his mother and I working on amicably deciding the best course.
I think bring kids in on adults matters and problems is a mistake. What kind of life lesson are you teaching your son by being so open and honest with him?
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Old 25th January 2019, 2:06 PM   #45
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You need to stay NC if you're serious about your marriage.

While I think it was despicable what you did to reel Selina in, she at least knew the truth from the 4th day. At that point she could have taken herself out of the situation. The only person without blame here is your wife.
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