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Dearly Missing My AP / How Long Does the Pain Last?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 25th January 2019, 6:48 AM   #16
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I just don't get why people are always advised to go back to a relationship they obviously know doesn't make them happy, you had many years to prove that. I guess, let me rephrase that, for kids (for a while yes), finances (F that, you only live once) but OP, you know you can't 'fall in love' with your wife again because you say never loved her and you can't change someone to the core of who they are. If you decide that 'companionship' is enough to define a happy marriage and will make you happy long-term, that's different, go for it.

Interestingly, those things that particularly bother you about your wife are characteristics my MM/OM described bothered him in his wife (like exactly), they were a good team otherwise. She also acknowledged this by saying 'you know I could be a moody pain in the a**' but did NOTHING to change for decades until the affair kicked in, then she turned into super wife, but that's not who she really is, she is a very passive person, it's possessiveness and jealousy driven, all for a prize of a cheating husband? (She doesn't even know there have been others before me).

Anyway, I think this type of resentment builds up over the years and unless that person changes (which they often won't or can't), it doesn't get better long term. I've never seen a lonelier man in a marriage than AP because he was longing all those things (being desired, acknowledged, praised, touched etc.). I consider this abuse in a marriage if one withholds these from the other.

Also, don't get me wrong, I went back to my marriage because I also know affairs don't work out well, and also I was once madly in love with my H. AP and I had lots of circumstances that would have made us resent each other in the long term and broke up with full limerence stage, NC for 10 months now and going strong, so I feel your pain.

I personally, just don't know if that's the right path for me necessarily, a year out, still deciding to leave my marriage or not (not because of AP). Oh yeah, and you can't work on the marriage with all honesty if you're still in love with someone else, this is from my experience. It's all a facade.

I might be unpopular with this opinion here.

Last edited by Missedmistress; 25th January 2019 at 6:59 AM..
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Old 25th January 2019, 7:01 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by Psucowboy View Post
My plan is to stay married for two years till my kids are out of the home then divorce. Then I can be alone or find love again the right way, this is the only path I see that I can live with.
This is me, I think I know I'll separate but it's only a matter of when. I feel good about it though because it won't be for a third party, it will be for myself. Stay strong!
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Old 25th January 2019, 8:13 AM   #18
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Hi Mike, I really dont wish to ever get back with him as it's way too painful and doesnt resolve a thing. There were all pictures and I erased them all. I no longer stalk social media as that delays the healing. I work less than 5 miles from where he works so I have anxiety I may see his car on a daily basis so it's taking longer. He stopped by to say hi last week but even that helps me none. The pain is real and I don't think hes struggling as much as he never disconnected with his wife. He was real good with his words but not much of anything else. I was all in and learned the hard way. Hope others can be saved before their hearts break into two. Day by day my friend!! I hope for marriage recovery but it's hard when your heart is elsewhere. Grr!!
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Old 25th January 2019, 9:48 AM   #19
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Certainly my wife didn't get treated with love (though she bears a small part of the fault) and the love I have for Selena sure makes me wish she wasn't hurt too. If you love someone, you certainly don't like seeing them hurt.

Two things:

1. You don't LOVE your wife. Period. You don't LOVE either one of these women. If you loved either, you wouldn't be in this convoluted triangle and hurting them.

2. Your wife has absolutely zero responsibility for your affair. None. Not one single ounce. You were 100% capable of NOT going on a dating app and seeking out extramarital sex. And yet YOU chose to do that. The affair and ramifications of the affair are 1000% on YOUR shoulders.
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Old 25th January 2019, 10:29 AM   #20
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I just don't get why people are always advised to go back to a relationship they obviously know doesn't make them happy...
Because most times that is what they truly want to do.
Their logical brain takes over and the OW gets dumped, or reminded of her #2 status and the affair continues.

Here the poor smiley, happy woman who had a history of abuse and a dreadful marriage and who couldn't even speak English, was lied to and manipulated into thinking she had a future with the OP, only to find, when the OPs logical brain kicked in (with the help of Dr Beam), she was persona non grata.
She was, like so many others are, metaphorically "thrown under a bus" but in reality she was literally physically thrown sobbing out of his car before he drove off... to go back to his wife...
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Old 25th January 2019, 10:35 AM   #21
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Hi mike1111, I just wanted to Share my experience, not sure if it will help. I had a 3.5 year affair that started with incredible limmerance just like yours, we tried breaking up many times in the first year but just couldnt live without each other. I’m married with three kids and am 48 yo, <SNIP>

Psucowboy: Thank you so much for telling your story. Frankly, I'm shocked at how similar it is to mine (ages, affair breakups, children, divorce attempts, etc.) -- indeed it helps a bunch, at least to know that my feelings and reactions are "normal". Now, what is intimidating about your story is that you still dream about your OW and "love her dearly" -- even after the limerence phase is over. Yikes. That doesn't bode well for my feelings to dissipate anytime soon. I too have pondering re-attempting divorce once my son leaves in the fall, but only if I could reunite with Selena. And your advice that an affair is no way to start a relationship weighs heavily on my thoughts of trying to reunite with Selena. And that would still hurt my wife deeply. So, I'm going to hope these feelings run their course. Thanks again for the thoughts and advice -- genuinely appreciated.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 25th January 2019 at 10:17 PM..
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Old 25th January 2019, 10:53 AM   #22
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Because most times that is what they truly want to do.
Their logical brain takes over and the OW gets dumped, or reminded of her #2 status and the affair continues.

Here the poor smiley, happy woman who had a history of abuse and a dreadful marriage and who couldn't even speak English, was lied to and manipulated into thinking she had a future with the OP, only to find, when the OPs logical brain kicked in (with the help of Dr Beam), she was persona non grata.
She was, like so many others are, metaphorically "thrown under a bus" but in reality she was literally physically thrown sobbing out of his car before he drove off... to go back to his wife...
I guess you're right, it's just so cliche. e.g. my AP and I were told, 'just try to be happy', it's 'good enough' - by family and professionals. This is more what I meant, not the motivation of the cheater going back when they truly snap back, but the people around you giving the advice to continue the farce of a marriage.

I truly feel bad for Selena for sure in this scenario, I can empathize with her. And the wife, obviously, she should be the one divorcing and not assisting with this soap opera. But she is winning because he chose her...NOT.

Last edited by Missedmistress; 25th January 2019 at 10:55 AM..
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Old 25th January 2019, 11:07 AM   #23
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I too have pondering re-attempting divorce once my son leaves in the fall, but only if I could reunite with Selena.
Then tell your wife that, you are staying until your son leaves and that's it, if she is ok with that of course. Leaving it on the condition that this poor woman (Selena) may or may not survive this heartbreak and wants to start up something with you, is extremely cruel to both of them.

Please don't end your marriage with jumping into the affair. Separate now if that's what you want, work on yourself, set up a new you and THEN accept that Selena may or may not want to talk to you at that stage, but you should live with that after the pain you caused for both women. That's the only honorable way out of this.
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Old 25th January 2019, 11:19 AM   #24
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Two things:

1. You don't LOVE your wife. Period. You don't LOVE either one of these women. If you loved either, you wouldn't be in this convoluted triangle and hurting them.

2. Your wife has absolutely zero responsibility for your affair. None. Not one single ounce. You were 100% capable of NOT going on a dating app and seeking out extramarital sex. And yet YOU chose to do that. The affair and ramifications of the affair are 1000% on YOUR shoulders.

Wallsbears: Respectfully, I disagree on both points.
1) I DO love my wife, and I certainly feel like I love Selena. But (in my opinion), love does not enable you to overcome all obstacles in a relationship. Surely you know of some couples who love each other but ended up divorcing because they just weren't fully compatible.
2) Certainly I was capable of not initiating any of it, and I accept responsibility for the problems and pain that has caused. But to say that a spouse who refuses (or is unable) to meet some simple relationship needs (eg, courtesy and reasonable sex participation) bears no responsibility for faultlines that develop in a marriage is unrealistic, I believe.
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Old 25th January 2019, 11:48 AM   #25
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I guess you're right, it's just so cliche. e.g. my AP and I were told, 'just try to be happy', it's 'good enough' - by family and professionals. This is more what I meant, not the motivation of the cheater going back when they truly snap back, but the people around you giving the advice to continue the farce of a marriage.

I truly feel bad for Selena for sure in this scenario, I can empathize with her. And the wife, obviously, she should be the one divorcing and not assisting with this soap opera. But she is winning because he chose her...NOT.

MissedMistress and Elaine: I appreciate your thoughts from a female perspective. However, I think there's a misunderstanding of the actual motivations and thoughts of both me and my wife. I actually try to be a good person on a daily basis, but, of course, don't always succeed. I didn't want to hurt my wife or family, but also had some fairly important needs unmet in the marriage (despite talking about them fairly frequently). So my thought was that perhaps I could satisfy this need quickly outside the marriage and cause no harm/hurt to my wife. But of course nothing is ever that simple.


As for Selena -- yes, I actively misled (lied) her for 4 days. And I deeply regret that, but I wasn't expecting either of us to fall for each other. And I DID realize how terrible that was and came clean with her fairly quickly. And then we both made the mistake of continuing for the next 5 days, thus ensuring pain for both of us. Beyond that, I never misled her and was indeed in the middle of the divorce process, but beyond my worries with my wife's pain, I was truly concerned about what Selena might mistakenly give up to be with me. Meaning, I was genuinely concerned about her long term happiness -- her career, her extended family, etc. I was afraid that in the throes of limerence, she might be making some judgement mistakes that would haunt her. THAT'S why I gently pushed her out of the car -- genuine concern for her (along with the other problems I was causing).


And my wife (Diana): She's not just passively accepting all of this. She has accepted some responsibility for not handling our marriage well (as have I) and has started on Zoloft to improve her acknowledged "moodiness" and will work being on more open about enjoying sex. I, in turn, will work on my acknowledged faults. Which leaves us both pondering exactly what to do with our 26 years of shared good companionship. Can it be the basis for a future romantic relationship that we both want? Or should we hug and part ways? And while she is hurt with my lingering feelings for Selena, she also knows that didn't come out of nowhere (see above points). Neither one of is quite sure what's best for us. And there's certainly no "winning". Just trying to figure out the best path. But whatever we decide, indeed it will all be above board and understood and an agreed upon path.
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Old 25th January 2019, 11:51 AM   #26
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You have repeatedly said that you don't love your wife, that you don't think you ever did and that you got married because it was the expected next step. Oh you might feel affection but love? Or has the affair rewritten your view of your wife and your marriage historytory?

I've said it before but the ease that you cheated initially really does lead me to believe this was not your first time at infidelity. It would take a pretty cold hearted man to sit and select his sex partner and then select a woman knowing she is looking for the exact opposite of you want, not caring who you hurt either there or at home as long as you get what you want. It was sheer chance that you fell for her this time.

I have no doubt you'll ignore the faithfulness question, you've done so the other twice I've asked!

I agree with the other poster, if your not 100% into staying in your marriage forever, tell your wife. The woman has been the one fighting for you and her marriage (she seems to be the only one), if you're only going to stay till your son finishes school then tell her now. Do you honestly think it will be any better to break her heart twice?
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Old 25th January 2019, 11:55 AM   #27
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Love isn't a feeling, love (in my definition) is a verb. You can't LOVE someone and purposefully hurt them repeatedly. And that is what you are doing.

If you weren't happy in your marriage, it was your responsibility to have truthful conversations with your wife and resolve the issues or divorce. Not go and have sex with someone else.

The blame here is 1000% on you. You didn't have an open and honest and truthful conversation with your wife about your unhappiness so you took the 'easy' way out for yourself by going and having sex with someone else. If you weren't happy, it was your responsibility to divorce not cheat.

And you still can't bring yourself to deal with YOUR issues (because there are issues here) and are dragging along two women plus your children in this mess.

It seems to me that the only person you are thinking about in ALL of this is you. Not your wife, not your children and not Selena.

How long do you think it is fair to drag these other people through this while you try to figure out what you want?
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Old 25th January 2019, 12:10 PM   #28
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You have repeatedly said that you don't love your wife, that you don't think you ever did and that you got married because it was the expected next step. Oh you might feel affection but love? Or has the affair rewritten your view of your wife and your marriage historytory?<snip>

Amethyst: Yes, affection versus love for wife. Not sure. Certainly affection and deep caring. However, I am confident I'm not rewriting our marriage history (as Dr. Beam warns about), as we had these "moodiness" symptoms going all the way back to the beginning, and recognized by many others, not just me. We actually broke up prior to the marriage over some moodiness episodes. We might have a mistake in choosing to get married anyway.


Yes, I'm going to avoid answering your infidelity question directly, but I didn't actually ignore Selena's profile (long-term relationship), I just didn't realize she was serious about that. I have long assumed that women feel slutty if they say they're interested in sex on dating sites, so, by default, they write that they're interested in a long-term relationship. And that was obviously a really bad assumption by me. And she did text that she wasn't interested in casual sex. But again, I chose to assume that meant perhaps just a 30 minute sexual encounter. But, you're right, that's all semantics, I just didn't think it was possible (or see the danger) that two people could develop serious feelings for each other so quickly. I thought that after a few encounters, if our goals weren't compatible that it would end simply with no one hurt. So much for that . . . .


And you and MissedMistress are right, if I truly have thoughts about leaving after my son leaves for school, then I should discuss that with my wife. But I THINK these feelings are just me missing Selena (which I hope to get over). And why I have gone to great lengths to not contact Selena and create any kind of false hope.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th January 2019 at 5:00 PM.. Reason: Truncate quote
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Old 25th January 2019, 12:15 PM   #29
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If you don't leave, are you going to commit to no longer being a cheater?
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Old 25th January 2019, 12:16 PM   #30
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How many affairs have you had during the course of your marriage?
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