Don't even know where to begin to deal with this

[Cally1975]

I have had suspicions in the past about my husband. Just a gut feeling. As well as the changing passwords, guarding phone, spending money, etc.

I have confronted him in the past and he always always gets angry and so defensive. He said he don't want to be spied on. That his mother did that to him all his life. That he feels we don't have to have each others passwords etc. We are entitled to privacy. Then I feel bad because he is so angry. I start going about it in my mind that maybe I am paranoid because this has happened to me in prior relationships.

Well last September he got a new phone. I thought it was weird that he was keeping that old phone in his car. One time a couple months ago we were cleaning his car and I asked don't you want to bring this in. He said no cuz he uses it for work with old pictures he may have taken and notes he made about job related issues.

Well, this week before he left to go out of town for work I had cleaned his car for him. I organized and cleaned everything. (His vehicle is normally a train wreck. Well after he left in a bag I had brought in I had noticed that old phone in there. So curiousity got me and I turned it on. It's an apple phone which he has a new apple phone. Not sure why but it shows current pictures, phone calls etc that he is doing currently on this old phone.

Well on this phone it showed where he left this week that he screen shot a picture of his user name and screen name for adult friend finder. He created a new email account. Under his screen name it says he is looking for transgender women. And looking for good times. That maybe we can go out for drinks and see where it may lead. Maybe have some good times.

I was so mortified. So in looking again months amd months prior in his pictures he had another screen name for this site also. Again saying he is searching transgender women. Maybe he forgot that screen name.

I had no clue what so ever my husband could even be gay maybe? Like no warning signs at all

He gets so angry and defensive when questioned. But for the first time ever I have proof before my eyes. I am so embarrassed to confront him. I don't even know where to start. For someone who acts so manly and macho I know he will be mortified that I know this part of himself.

Where do I even begin with this?

[d0nnivain]

Start with I'm sorry I snooped since this is what I found we have to talk about what it means for our marriage.

[Wallysbears]

Yeah, you need to apologize for snooping and then sit down and have an open conversation about what you found and figure out what's next.

[GorillaTheater]

And take screenshots of what you found so he can't erase it and screw with your mind even more with denials.

[Orokotikki]

You don't need to apologize for snooping, but you do need to talk to him, see an IC if you feel the need to (I would in your place). Understand this is about them and their issues not about you.

 

Sounds like the macho-ness is overcompensating... Fact is he is looking to cheat, and you don't (and shouldn't) need to tolerate that in your marriage.

 

So sorry you are in this whirlwind, you are in the thoughts and prayers of many who read your post.

[Orokotikki]

Privacy and secrecy are not the same thing.

Privacy is having the door closed when you go to the bathroom.

Secrecy is being able to secretly look for an affair while you are in there.

The former is what everyone is entitled to, the latter has no place in a marriage.

 

And take screenshots - expect denial (absolute denial) of anything you can't prove.

[The Dude Abides]

Cally1975

 

In my opinion, it is quite understandable why you snooped. There were a lot of indications why you should be suspicious . For me, the issue of viewing assets, phones and email accounts as separate or "private" is a foreign concept. My wife and I share an email account and have the same password for our phones. We use each other's phone when needed (for example, one phone is charging). We don't use social media but if we did, I am sure it would be a joint account. In short there isn't much hidden between us.

 

As others have mentioned, you will need to talk with your husband and find out what is going on and what, if anything, he might have already done. Whether he has been out with, or desires in the future, other men or other women, you need to be aware and protect your health.

 

And if your husband is struggling with his sexual orientation, you can choose to be understanding because you love him as a person, but of course that might mean that romantic love is no longer there.

[aliveagain]

And take screenshots of what you found so he can't erase it and screw with your mind even more with denials.

 

Great advice, keep the screenshots safe, somewhere he can't get access to like your office at work or at a parent or siblings home. Get tested for all STD's, there is a high probability he is having sex with other men. Cheaters always lie about using protection, besides, you can get an STD without having insertion. Decide what you can and can't live with like sharing your husband. Talk to a lawyer so you know your rights before you confront him. Do not have unprotected sex with him. I am so sorry for your situation. It will be tough to compete with transgender females unless you look at opening your marriage to other people. The first step is decide what it is that you want.

[Mr. Lucky]

That he feels we don't have to have each others passwords etc. We are entitled to privacy.

 

As Orokotikki pointed out, your husband has it backwards - being married means you're entitled to the transparency that commitment and sharing a life require. His insistence on secrecy doesn't help the relationship, it undermines it.

 

I can almost guarantee he'll try to gaslight you by making this all about the invasion of his privacy - "you snooped"! Own your actions right away, tell him your concerns did indeed make you look, but keep any conversation focused on the bigger picture. When one partner is trolling online for hook-ups, the other has a right to know. Don't back down...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cally1975]

And take screenshots of what you found so he can't erase it and screw with your mind even more with denials.

 

Yes, I did take screen shots and tucked them away. Because anyway you look at this it is infidelity.

 

I am not one of those paranoid people typically or controlling. It's just his past actions have made this gut feeling I can't shake. Like the fact he takes out 200 to 300 in cash when traveling. But yet uses his debit card for purchases like gas, food etc. I asked him what he was doing with all that cash. He said he was drinking and didn't want me to know he went to a bar. But yet a 12 pack of beer will sit in the fridge here for weeks.

When he shows me anything on his phone he stands right next to me. He sleeps with his phone under pillow. He showers with phone. He travels for work and last Easter he said he decided to stay down there because he had to be there Monday anyway. Instead of coming home for the 3 day weekend. He goes hot and cold with his distance all the time. When I ask him what's wrong he says he is in a funk. The sex life isn't what it use to be. When I try to talk to him about that he turns the tables and says it's me.

There is a lot of mind games. This is the first time I have had substantial proof.

[Mr. Lucky]

When I try to talk to him about that he turns the tables and says it's me.

There is a lot of mind games. This is the first time I have had substantial proof.

 

Almost every cheater instinctively know the best defense is a good offense. If they can keep you off-balance and guessing, they have more space and latitude to act out.

 

He'll continue with this same approach even when confronted with evidence. "someone else was using my phone" "I was asking for a friend" "it was only a game, I was never going to meet" etc., etc., etc.

 

Be prepared...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cally1975]

You don't need to apologize for snooping, but you do need to talk to him, see an IC if you feel the need to (I would in your place). Understand this is about them and their issues not about you.

 

Sounds like the macho-ness is overcompensating... Fact is he is looking to cheat, and you don't (and shouldn't) need to tolerate that in your marriage.

 

So sorry you are in this whirlwind, you are in the thoughts and prayers of many who read your post.

 

Thank you so much for the thoughts and prayers. I appreciate that so much.

Your right it is looking to cheat if it hasn't already happened many times.

[GorillaTheater]

I "liked" your post, not because I "like" what you're going through, but because I like that you're thinking about this pretty clearly given the circumstances.

 

Do you all have kids?

 

ETA: Everybody is making good points, but Mr. Lucky is raising some great ones. I think he's absolutely right.

Edited January 24, 2019 by GorillaTheater

[Orokotikki]

One other critical item I forgot - secure your finances before confronting him.

When I caught my wife in the act - the very first place she went to - was to the bank to get my name off of our joint accounts.

[Cally1975]

Thank you everyone for all the replies. It really means a lot. I feel so lost and overwhelmed right now.

I am very much an open book with my husband. He knows all my passwords. He knows the code to my phone. I don't even flinch if he picks up my phone. It's just how I am and have always been. I love him so much and am faithful in everyway. I have nothing to hide. Even if I want to make a bigger purchase I ask him. I figure it's mutual respect.

I don't know whether to keep watching this phone. Or confront him right away. For the other e-mail account I didn't know about I have no idea what that password is. Who knows what could be on that e-mail.

I am fully expecting him to abrupt. And try and place blame on me. So am trying to be strong and have a game plan.

We have been together for 10 years. This is my second marriage. I am just so upset to be dealing with this yet again in my life.

[d0nnivain]

You snooping is NOT the issue. Don't let him make this about that.

 

You have to get to the bottom of this. If he wants strange, just get out of this marriage. Easier said then done but there are some breeches of trust that simply can't be repaired.

[The Dude Abides]

Thank you everyone for all the replies. It really means a lot. I feel so lost and overwhelmed right now.

I am very much an open book with my husband. He knows all my passwords. He knows the code to my phone. I don't even flinch if he picks up my phone. It's just how I am and have always been. I love him so much and am faithful in everyway. I have nothing to hide. Even if I want to make a bigger purchase I ask him. I figure it's mutual respect.

I don't know whether to keep watching this phone. Or confront him right away. For the other e-mail account I didn't know about I have no idea what that password is. Who knows what could be on that e-mail.

I am fully expecting him to abrupt. And try and place blame on me. So am trying to be strong and have a game plan.

We have been together for 10 years. This is my second marriage. I am just so upset to be dealing with this yet again in my life.

 

Cally, just keep in mind that YOU are doing everything the right way. So many of us here agree with your approach to marriage and live the same way. If your efforts aren't reciprocated by a loving husband that is heartbreaking but it doesn't mean you are wrong in any way. So please keep that in mind when the predictions play out of bad behavior by your husband. I'm not up to speed with pop culture references such as "gas lighting" (I recently had to look that up LOL) but the bottom line is people who are involved in this type of behavior don't respond well and don't play by the same rules you will use. They wouldn't be doing this stuff if they were committed to the same marital ideals as you are. I have seen it time and time again: people who are doing the bad stuff then compound it by being abusive, nasty, manipulative etc to the very people who least deserve it.

 

Unless by some miracle your husband can demonstrate that this has been the misunderstanding of the century and he has been always faithful to you , then please continue to take all steps necessary to protect your legal and financial well-being and most importantly, your health.

[Cally1975]

I will keep all this in mind and keep directing the conversation back to him. Like yes I did snoop, but let's address what was found.

To each there own. I know awesome people that are gay. But this aspect has my stomach turning the most. It's like such a dirty secret he is hiding. I am absolutely floored. Never in a million years would I guess he would be cheating on me with a man sort of speak. I know regardless of who it is with it's cheating period. Same like if I was looking at women. Of course I am heart broken right now. But I am embarrassed to tell him I know about this.

[BaileyB]

To each there own. I know awesome people that are gay.

 

There is nothing wrong with being gay, or being bisexual.

 

Except, your husband is potentially exposing you to a variety of STD’s by engaging in high risk sexual activity - without your knowledge or your consent. That, is wrong of him to do.

 

Get yourself tested. Be safe.

[aliveagain]

Cally, your situation is difficult because of several points you made in your thread. He has mother issues regarding being transparent. How do you even start to deal with his attraction to men that look like women, it's not something that's going to go away through counselling. He has a history of being an active member of Adult Friend Finders so assume the worst. Everything he is doing will have to be explained to family at some point. Do not be embarrassed to tell him that you know, he's the one doing things that he shouldn't be doing, he's the one sneaking around and hiding things from you. If he can't do it in front of you he shouldn't be doing it.

 

You have enough information to decide your path, you don't have to walk in on him to know what is going on. The onus is on him to prove to your satisfaction that nothing is happening. I would be planning for the absolute worst, this is not about your snooping, this is about his deceit and hook ups on dating sites. Good husbands don't join dating sites for any reason. Accept no blame for his actions.

[Cally1975]

Wanted to give an update.

Sometimes things happen for a reason I always say. This situation with his phone tracking some things with his new phone I never knew could even happen. He is abosultely glued to his phone at all times. Shower, sleeping with it under his pillow etc. So while I have had suspicions I have never had access to his phone. Never could catch him with bank statements because he pulls out cash. Uses debit cards for everything else. But the cash is used for something.

When looking at his old phone I found what I had seen at that time. In really digging deep I seen where a year ago he downloaded Tinder. Then eventually deleted it. He also had downloaded 3 Tranny hook up sites then deleted them not sure when. But they were downloaded to his phone this past September. The new adult friend finder user name and new e-mail January of this year. He also had searched for a gay bar in a town he was in for work.

Well I noticed his old phone his current phone calls show up also his pictures??Old phone is off but Wi-Fi is on. Also looks as if it's signed into the cloud.

Well he left for out of town this week for work. On Sunday night he called at 9 to say goodnight he was going to bed. I noticed the next morning he.made 4 phone calls between 12 am and 1 am. 3 of the calls were the area code he was staying in. 1 call was to a family member. Looks like he didn't really talk cuz it was like 45 seconds on the call times.

So he doesn't know I can see this stuff. I just.pretwnded family member asked me if he was.okay calling that late and was all okay. He messages me that he was sleeping and woke up in a sweat and went outside quick for fresh air and must have pocket dialed. I said oh okay you didn't go out at all. He said no I went to bed after I called you.

Then I noticed he erased the 3 other phone numbers he called. And 1 of them he even asdigned as a contact named Ashley Rachel? Then even that got erased another day later.

I know some may wonder why I haven't confronted him yet. I have a family member very terminal. I don't want to do this in the middle of that. I have to put that behind me first. I don't think I can mentally do both at the same time.

Also I am sitting back trying to gain as much information as I can. This is a man who gets so angry if I confront him about trust. I want/need to have proof. I have tried to look up that phone.number on spokeo but didn't really get anywhere. And when you call it of course I do it private it goes to voicemail and says mail box is full.

But without a doubt he lied to me this week. You can't pocket dial 4 times and assign a contact!!!

Has anyone ever used a private investigator?

[Turning point]

His old phone will continue to stay synced to his account and parallel the other phone as long as it has an active internet connection. It may even ring when a call arrives if voice over IP is enabled. If you are still monitoring this phone - silence the ringer and alerts or it may reveal itself. It will not sync if you leave the house or range of whatever is providing internet access because it has no cellular access.

 

Don't apologize for snooping. Privacy and secrecy are tow VERY different things as others fave already pointed out. You were troubled and your spouse not only failed to comfort you, he created more doubt. You had every right to look behind that curtain.

 

You and I don't hide or protect our phones because we have privacy even within the mutual sharing of our relationship and family. What we don't have is life-shattering secrets or dangerous second lives - and that's the difference.

[Rayce]

I applaud you for being able to keep it together as well as you have. I think my head would of exploded. I agree with others I think you have every right to "snoop" but I caution about having a face off. You need to get all your ducks in a row before you give it up that you know what's going on. I saw another suggestion about contacting a lawyer and at least go in for a consolation. Many will give a free one and could even help you with a PI if you really wanted to go that route. In the mean time keep snooping. Good luck.

[Turning point]

I know some may wonder why I haven't confronted him yet. I have a family member very terminal. I don't want to do this in the middle of that. I have to put that behind me first. I don't think I can mentally do both at the same time.

Also I am sitting back trying to gain as much information as I can. This is a man who gets so angry if I confront him about trust. I want/need to have proof. I have tried to look up that phone.number on spokeo but didn't really get anywhere. And when you call it of course I do it private it goes to voicemail and says mail box is full.

But without a doubt he lied to me this week. You can't pocket dial 4 times and assign a contact!!!

Has anyone ever used a private investigator?

 

It's certainly understandable if you want to deal with one situation at a time. This truth about your husband is also something your going to need some time to come to terms with before you can really address it with him effectively. You have something bigger than just infidelity.

 

Should it turn out this is not the marriage you want to be in, his sexuality may be of little consequence to a divorce court. So, rather than put all kinds of time, money, and emotion into playing detective - start focusing more attention on yourself, what you value, what you will or won't tolerate.

 

Discover the truth about YOUR boundaries first, because once you know your boundaries the full and complete distance of how they were crossed might not seem so important anymore.

 

You could get incredibly lost and detached from your own life by rubber-necking this side circus he has going on. Be smart rather than distracted.

[Mrs._December]

Yeah, you need to apologize for snooping and then sit down and have an open conversation about what you found and figure out what's next.

I wouldn't apologize for snooping on this degenerate at all. He's been shady since Day #1 and earned it.