Jump to content

Any MMs in the house? How did you compartmentalize after dDay?


Missedmistress

Recommended Posts

Missedmistress

I have been reading so much about affairs in the last year and it often comes up that men stay married because 1, comfort/lifestyle 2, they're able to compartmentalize and literally block out their AP after dDay. Is this true or a bunch of BS? BTW, I'm not talking about PA only, strictly after EA where the words, 'I love you' and all those acts of love were present for months/years.

 

I've literally tried EVERYTHING (therapy, mindfulness, meditation, lots of talking & sex with H) and I still don't feel close to my H after my EA and it's been almost a year, I can't block out AP (we're 100% NC for 10 months, I don't even know what is up with him). On the contrary, I had a PA years ago and I had 0 emotional connection afterwards and it was super easy to end, I felt all those things people say you should feel, guilt, disgust towards PA etc. but never longing. Never even thought of him much after, this time it's so different.

 

So, I'm curious, mostly want to hear from MMs, not sure if there are many here, how did you turn that all off and do a 180 back with your wife? I'm really curious, I want to learn. :)

 

(Please don't tell me I need a divorce, I have brought it up but my H wants to fight for us, not sure why, I honestly don't deserve him. I'm honest with him now and not planning on doing this ever again, I'll pack my bags instead.)

Link to post
Share on other sites

My situation is a little different, since we have a somewhat open marriage (for 19 years), and tend to be polyamorous as well. Still, other partners can become very close after months or years of seeing each other - it can even be love. If they move on for whatever reason, it feels like a loss, especially if it was more than just sex (and it usually is).

 

For me (and my wife) when another partner leaves, there is an adjustment. Of course, we have each other, and are still deeply in love with each other even when we have other partners. So, we focus on our relationship even more for a while. There still remains some nostalgia for what was, and unless there was a bad falling out with the other person (never the case for us, so far), there remains a place in our heart for them. It does fade over time, with the growing certainty that they won't be coming back.

 

I don't know how good your marriage is, and how close you are with your husband. If there is still some reservation or issue, then you can't lean into your relationship as much as you may want, so it will be harder - and take longer - to let the affair partner fade out. Are you sure you are staying and working on the marriage for the right reasons? Can you regain the love and closeness - or not?

Link to post
Share on other sites

While there is no current affair in play, it appears the thread starter is struggling with an issue of focusing on their marriage

So, I'm curious, mostly want to hear from MMs, not sure if there are many here, how did you turn that all off and do a 180 back with your wife? I'm really curious, I want to learn.

Content from members, preferably MW/MM's, on how they refocused on their spouse and blocked/resolved thoughts and emotions regarding the past affair partner is the topic. Thanks!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Missedmistress
how good your marriage is, and how close you are with your husband. If there is still some reservation or issue, then you can't lean into your relationship as much as you may want, so it will be harder - and take longer - to let the affair partner fade out. Are you sure you are staying and working on the marriage for the right reasons? Can you regain the love and closeness - or not?

 

 

Wow, power to you and your wife for being so open and honest with each other.

 

That is a great question, I have lost my desire for my husband a long time ago but thought it was ‘normal’, after all married people with kids don’t have sex? That was actually what I thought. Until my AP informed me otherwise (the first time I ever admitted this to anyone, I felt a bit ashamed that my husband doesn’t want me. I’ve since realised it should have been a counsellor). But now I can’t get that desire back no matter how hard we’re trying. There is sex but I don’t feel wanted and I don’t think I’m projecting the right vibes either. I just can’t fake it till we make it.

 

Now I’m stuck. It’s a too good to leave situation. I’m staying mostly because we are like friends and he is a great dad and I want to see my kid every day. I don’t know if I can get back to that place when I was in love with him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Missedmistress good luck finding a MM express his feeling for his AP. There is not even one single online article. These men do not come forward because they suppress these feelings and shut them down. They compartmentalize so well that they store those feelings in a separate locked compartment never to open again. I too was hoping for some answers from MM that proclaimed to love their APs. Dont hold your breath. :(

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

I've literally tried EVERYTHING (therapy, mindfulness, meditation, lots of talking & sex with H) and I still don't feel close to my H after my EA and it's been almost a year, I can't block out AP (we're 100% NC for 10 months, I don't even know what is up with him).

 

So, I'm curious, mostly want to hear from MMs, not sure if there are many here, how did you turn that all off and do a 180 back with your wife? I'm really curious, I want to learn. :)

My personal opinion, FWIW:

 

I'm in a somewhat similar situation - "pure" EA but experienced intense connection to my AP temporarily and it is now over/NC. In my case there has been no DDay. I feel minimal guilt since I literally never laid a finger on the woman (despite some periods of intense desire to).

 

Possibly you are experiencing "residual" limerence for your AP - and remaining hung up on them is preventing you from fully connecting to your H? Possibly it's unconscious guilt? Possibly your H "just isn't doing it for you anymore" and this would be true regardless of the A?

 

In my case I found favorable comparisons with my W vs. the AP long before the A ended. So that has helped I think since reconnection started during the A (as wierd as that sounds, that's been my personal experience of it). Also in my case the AP got so *itchy/passive aggressive towards the end that although I remember her fondly the fondness is tinged with intense resentment as well. Makes it easier.

 

I think it's good that you're making serious effort to reconnect with the H. Time will help the limerence fade. Make it a personal goal to think 1% less about the former AP every day.

 

IC might help you also. Consider taking a vacation with you and H alone together + some planned activities that you'd both enjoy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Missedmistress good luck finding a MM express his feeling for his AP. There is not even one single online article. These men do not come forward because they suppress these feelings and shut them down. They compartmentalize so well that they store those feelings in a separate locked compartment never to open again. I too was hoping for some answers from MM that proclaimed to love their APs. Dont hold your breath. :(

 

 

NW I respectfully disagree with this statement. Just like women, every man is a little different and I'm sure that, while there are many that do "fully compartmentalize", there are also many that don't. Possible none/few of them are bothering to post on forums, which is unfortunate...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wow, power to you and your wife for being so open and honest with each other.

 

That is a great question, I have lost my desire for my husband a long time ago but thought it was ‘normal’, after all married people with kids don’t have sex? That was actually what I thought. Until my AP informed me otherwise (the first time I ever admitted this to anyone, I felt a bit ashamed that my husband doesn’t want me. I’ve since realised it should have been a counsellor). But now I can’t get that desire back no matter how hard we’re trying. There is sex but I don’t feel wanted and I don’t think I’m projecting the right vibes either. I just can’t fake it till we make it.

 

Now I’m stuck. It’s a too good to leave situation. I’m staying mostly because we are like friends and he is a great dad and I want to see my kid every day. I don’t know if I can get back to that place when I was in love with him.

 

You are in a difficult situation, with no clear resolution or pathway out. You'll have to decide on one for yourself, and make it work, I think, based on your priorities and need. It doesn't have to happen fast, either - you may need years to make the changes needed to pursue what you decide is worth having.

 

No, it's not normal to lose all desire for your spouse in a healthy relationship. And I understand feeling trapped by an otherwise good situation. Also, even if you decide to leave, that does not mean not seeing your kids daily, or almost daily. Look into how that could work - it's not so bleak as it may feel now. I did, and it worked for me when I decided to leave my first marriage - my son delayed that decision, but it was still the right decision when I acted on it. And, I didn't "lose" my son.

 

I think we all deserve to be happy, but ideally we can be that without too much harm to others along the way. It's a balance, and you can't always avoid hurting someone else when pursuing your own dreams and happiness. So, what DO you want for your future, and future relationship(s)? Of course, you can maintain things as they are - but how much will you regret that in 10 or 20 years (if you do foresee regrets)?

Link to post
Share on other sites

If I may, it must be really difficult to evaluate your marriage when you are dreaming of another man... Affairs are not normal relationships, many on this board will say that the feelings are intensified because of the very nature of the affair. It’s not very fair to your husband to evaluate your marriage if you have another man in your heart because he can’t possibly compete with the “connection” you feel with your AP.

 

It’s possible that your feelings for your husband died a slow death years ago, and this is what had lead you to turn away from your husband and form both physical and emotional connections with other men. It’s also entirely possible that your affairs have completely colored your perception of your husband and your marriage.

 

Only time will tell, if you are able to stay NC with the other man and you give yourself and your husband the benefit of evaluating the marriage without the influence of another man.

 

Whatever you decide is not wrong. I would only encourage you to give it time and be sure you are making the decision for the right reasons - you are ending the marriage because your relationship with your husband has truly run it’s course.

Edited by BaileyB
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Missedmistress
I think we all deserve to be happy, but ideally we can be that without too much harm to others along the way. It's a balance, and you can't always avoid hurting someone else when pursuing your own dreams and happiness. So, what DO you want for your future, and future relationship(s)? Of course, you can maintain things as they are - but how much will you regret that in 10 or 20 years (if you do foresee regrets)?

 

 

This, thanks for this. This is what I'm thinking about often, I have so many years in front of me, I definitely don't want to be in this place in 10 years. But I also want to make sure I have given a fair chance and putting in all I got with H. I just don't know when to call it quits, when the other person will be so much more hurt as they're obvs not feeling the same way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Missedmistress
<snip>

Only time will tell, if you are able to stay NC with the other man and you give yourself and your husband the benefit of evaluating the marriage without the influence of another man.

 

Whatever you decide is not wrong. I would only encourage you to give it time and be sure you are making the decision for the right reasons - you are ending the marriage because your relationship with your husband has truly run it’s course.

 

Thank you, you're making some good points. I know the only way I'll ever be satisfied with an ending of my marriage is if I do it for myself and not a third party. That's sort of what I'm waiting for to happen, seeing clearly without any external influence.

 

While I have no desire of being with this AP, despite my best efforts to forget about him, the feelings are still lingering, I hoped someone had a magic formula on how to drop romantic thoughts about AP, compartmentalize your feelings towards someone that you once thought you were in love with and it didn't run its course.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Missedmistress
Missedmistress good luck finding a MM express his feeling for his AP. There is not even one single online article. These men do not come forward because they suppress these feelings and shut them down. They compartmentalize so well that they store those feelings in a separate locked compartment never to open again. I too was hoping for some answers from MM that proclaimed to love their APs. Dont hold your breath. :(

 

Yeah, I noticed. It's a shame because it must linger much longer if you suppress it and you just never know when it might hit you with a vengeance, although I consider my infatuation too long, I usually have a better handle on my own feelings. These are also men that were head over heels, romantic etc. how can they turn off these feelings and then play house with their wives like it was nothing? Are genders programmed so differently??

 

My AP, after DDay number 2 said (still very much talking to me), that he goes to the gym or plays the guitar (a lot) to distract himself from thinking of me. I wish that it was so easy for me, I went for a run in those early days and had to stop because of sobbing so hard. Not fair.

 

Anyway, my best friend who was an OW (EA & PA) to an MM with 3 kids, got her pregnant and had an abortion. She left him after that promptly, as he didn't want to leave wife for her (typical), but only years later (like 10 years later) he told her he was absolutely devastated and was in counseling to get over her for 3 years (the wife didn't know about the affair I think).

Edited by Missedmistress
Link to post
Share on other sites

Anyway, my best friend who was an OW (EA & PA) to an MM with 3 kids, got her pregnant and had an abortion. She left him after that promptly, as he didn't want to leave wife for her (typical), but only years later (like 10 years later) he told her he was absolutely devastated and was in counseling to get over her for 3 years (the wife didn't know about the affair I think).

 

Well, that is a sad story. It’s not a good thing that he was devastated and suffering with the loss of the OW for three years - there was an unwanted pregnancy and a husband who has been lying and cheating on his unsuspecting wife for years! I’m not saying this to be judgmental or unkind, truly. I just don’t want you to romanticize it because there is nothing particularly romantic about that situation. What happened in that situation is heartbreaking for everyone involved.

 

The reality is, this is the consequence when an individual gets involved in multiple relationships at the same time. Things get complicated. Feelings get hurt. You are left sad and disappointed because as the Stones said so eloquently, you can’t always get what you want...

 

Like any relationship that ends (particularly if one partner does not want the relationship to end), time is the best healer. Time and the ability to engage in life and move forward in the direction of new and different dreams. With time, you will think of him less and you will find joy in other people/experiences.

 

Good luck.

Edited by BaileyB
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

The compartmentalisation takes place early doors, it is not something that shows up after the affair is over.

Wife, kids and life in one box, OW in the other. They may profess to be "in deep" but by compartmentalising they still have a handle on reality.

If OW then "disappears" for whatever reason, life goes on...

 

You cannot now compartmentalise effectively as it is too late.

You probably gave your MM one huge spacious box and your husband no box at all. Hence why it is so difficult for you to give your MM up despite the fact he is gone.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Missedmistress
What happened in that situation is heartbreaking for everyone involved. I’m just asking, what is your intention in sharing this story?

My intention of sharing that story was that it actually, as heart breaking as it was, and I stood by my friend along the whole time as it was happening, the confession years later made her feel better after she learnt about it. Why? Because she was devastated also and it was all for nothing, it made her feel better the feelings he had for her were real, even though she was way over him by that stage.

 

And yes, knowing that my AP can't/couldn't get over me just by going to the gym would make me feel better too, because it would mean it was not only in my head, but maybe that's the point I don't understand because I'm not a man. Not sure if you were ever an OW/AP but it's all kinds of f^&d up.

 

Also, the reason I came here was to ask for how to overcome these feelings, not because I want to cling to them, I would be more than happy to let them go. If you tell me it's only with time, I feel I've given it enough so by now I'd expect some change, so was wondering if there was anything else I'm not doing.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Also, the reason I came here was to ask for how to overcome these feelings, not because I want to cling to them, I would be more than happy to let them go. If you tell me it's only with time, I feel I've given it enough so by now I'd expect some change, so was wondering if there was anything else I'm not doing.

 

Acknowledging that sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants, and that feelings are not always (or often) entirely rational... One could say that people tend to do things for a reason.

 

So here is a curious question, and one that I’m sure you have asked yourself many times - what you gain by holding onto these feelings? What do you stand to lose if you let them go?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

@mark I agree with you. I believe my MM didnt fully compartmentalized. He struggled too with his feelings. He was just better at keeping thing REAL. It was my fault for giving him my entire heart and soul. I realize now that I would have destroyed so many people. I'm just struggling with the emotions currently. I hope in time to find more peace and we both can live again happily married with having a wonderful experience of another. Many lesson learned for sure.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Missedmistress
Acknowledging that sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants, and that feelings are not always (or often) entirely rational... One could say that people tend to do things for a reason.

 

So here is a curious question, and one that I’m sure you have asked yourself many times - what you gain by holding onto these feelings? What do you stand to lose if you let them go?

 

Yes, great question. I guess that’s what I don’t know, there is obviously something stopping me from letting it go. I know there is no closure I can get from AP and I don’t want to break NC anyway. There is something holding me back but I can’t put my finger on it because rationally I really, really want these feelings to be done and over with.

 

I tried midnefulness, have been in iC and got some advice on how to control thoughts and ultimately my feelings (block time at end of each day e.g) but it’s when I let my guard down, or relax, it hits me again like I constantly have to put in energy to stop them and I’m just running out. I can sometimes block the feels out for days and then they come back in my dreams, it’s so annoying. I only hope they will fade over time but I feel like my life is on hold until they do.

 

I know I would gain myself back if I didn’t have these feelings, the happy, confident self who isn’t afraid to make decisions. Right now I don’t know how.

 

Sorry, rambling...

Link to post
Share on other sites

@missedmistress. I am in the same boat as you. It takes ALOT of time. He probably will remain in your heart forever but you will be able to put them in a box. We must learn to compartmentalize our feelings for them now. Time to man up!! Lol. That's what I'm trying to do and I am still struggling. My MM has resurfaced after 100 days NC and I was still very sad but on the mend of healing. He just wanted to say hi and tell me he thinks about me every day. Not one day has gone by yet where he hasnt thought about me. So as that's comforting it's still the samething. So we just have to try to reconnect with our spouses and tell them what we need to feel and how we both can nurture our relationships so this never happens again. Our H but now know about our voids and what's missing within ourselves. Hope this helps a little bit.

Link to post
Share on other sites

These men dont allow thier affairs or affair partner to replace his wife and marriage. There is the difference, so when the affair ends they simply continue on with their wife and marriage.

 

Women do far more damage to their marriage because in order to get closer to mm it comes at the expense of the marriage and husband. So it's far more difficult to just carry on.

 

As far as lingering feelings....well it's all fools gold. The affair happens not because this other person is soooo amazing, but because you have horrible coping skills. That doesn't change because the affair ends. All the circumstances that lead to the affair are still in place. So of course you long for the escape because that is how you cope.

 

Give an example...bars dont cause alcoholism so if an alcoholic doesn't go to the bar does that mean he stop craving a drink? Of course not, he needs to attack WHY he is an alcoholic.

 

So, if you want to stop longing for this guy, you need to figure out why you allowed yourself to get involved in the first place. Your marriage and husband is the bar and didn't cause you to cheat so dig deeper then that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes, great question. I guess that’s what I don’t know, there is obviously something stopping me from letting it go. I know there is no closure I can get from AP and I don’t want to break NC anyway. There is something holding me back but I can’t put my finger on it because rationally I really, really want these feelings to be done and over with.

 

I know I would gain myself back if I didn’t have these feelings, the happy, confident self who isn’t afraid to make decisions. Right now I don’t know how.

 

Sorry, rambling...

 

Is it possible that you are holding onto these feelings because doing so allows you to keep your husband at arms length? Is it simply a coping strategy that allows you to keep your husband in the “box” and you don’t have to fully engage with him? Because, when you let go of your feelings for your AP you are going to be required to face the reality of your marriage and make the hard decisions about your marriage/your life. You can’t just escape your unhappy marriage, you will have to deal with it.

 

And is it possible that this has now become a repetitive thought pattern for you that has simply become rather hard wired into your brain?

 

I don’t know, I’m just wondering. Only you know the answers... even if it feels like you don’t know the answer. ;) I’m sorry that you are feeling so conflicted.

Edited by BaileyB
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

@DKT3 you can not speak for all married men that had affairs because simply speaking you are not one of them. You are a betrayed spouse. Whether you can comprehend or not the MM definitely does a better job with their emotions but to say they just carry on unscathed after a long term intense love affair, ur simply incorrect. I have spoken to MM that have cheated that have in fact loved the other women. It's not replacement of their wives but love nonetheless. Sorry if that stings a bit!! We are all human beings with real emotions and feelings unless they were completely heartless individuals then u are speaking out of context.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a man, I understand men. Simply put men dont tend to get emotionally attached. I know your vested interests prevent you from seeing this because you want to believe that it's the case for you. Maybe it isn't, but most likely it is.

 

Here is the thing, men cant be honest because it will hinder their chances.

 

So if you mm said hey lets have lots of meaningless sex, lets put your marriage at risk and at the end of if all I'm going to just walk away. Would you? of course not, yet that's what happens most of the time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...