Benzini Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Hi all, first post and grateful for any help you can provide. Together for 9 years, married for nearly 7. I’m 28 and she’s 32 Approx. 5 months ago my wife told me out of the blue that she was unhappy in the marriage, that she didn’t love me the same and that the spark was missing. This came as a complete surprise to me as we were approaching a big family holiday on Florida and everything had been okay leading up to it. The two main reasons why she was unhappy were because I worked so much and she thought that I chose work over her and that my parents don’t come over enough to see our children and that I don’t defend her on it. (We live in a different country to my parents) I felt that the reasons were unfair and felt that there was more to the picture. Two weeks and after a few odd changes later I took to looking at her Facebook and found messages from a dude I’d never heard of before. The beginning of the messages had been deleted, he invited her around for a “nap” which she was happy to do and he said that he was so glad she was back into his life. I confronted her on the matter and found out that he was an ex-boyfriend who she still had a “soft spot for”. I asked her to stay away but she didn’t really see why and didn’t like me telling her who she could and couldn’t talk too. First time in 9 years. Things progressively got worse as I got more wound up about the situation and her completely not getting why I was so bothered. We went to couples counselling who told me she didn’t know what my wife wanted, that she felt she was walking over me and the reasons for her being unhappy were unfair. This destroyed. I got deeply depressed at the prospect and of my wife no longer wanting me and leaving me as I no longer knew what i offered her. I said some things I didn’t mean and during this period there was lots of arguments. My wife keep getting more distant. I sought help and started to feel a lot better, but things hadn’t got any better between us and she just wasn’t interested in reconciliation. She eventually told me she didn’t want to be together anymore. I traveled home for a week and during this time she lied about where she was and was completely emotionless about the separation. When I got home I continued to try and reconcile but she just wasn’t interested. I asked was she still talking to him and could I see that she wasn’t. I was met with “you no longer have a right to do that” and was rather defence. When I went back to the spare bed, she had sent me a screenshot of her WhatsApp conversations. This just screened she was showing me what she wanted me to see, especially after 40 minutes of point blank refusing to shower me her phone. Long and the short of it is, I didn’t trust her and everything in me was telling me that it’s not adding up. I’ll not tell you all how I got into her phone, but when I did, everything I suspected become true. They’ve spoken everyday for the last 6-7 months (she tells me this isn’t true and he only got in touch after we separated), They’re in love, they make each other very happy, my wife is turned on by him, she had sent pictures of my son to him, she was going to sell the house and move in with him. I took pictures of the conversation and confronted her again. She got very defensive again and said she’s going to a solicitor. I walked out and went to work. Since then it’s been a rollercoaster of trying to figure out what the hell to do. She tells me she didn’t mean it, that she’s sorry and that she still loves me. Shes somewhat reverted on the separation but hasn’t really committed to making it right. Sex and affection is off the cards for her, even kissing. She started taking fainting spells since I confronted her and is completely withdrawn and distant from me, her friends and family. I’m trying to stay positive about us working it out, but battle with why she done it and how she was able to show this lad loads of emotion but nothing to me. I asked her to send him a message to say leave her alone and that she’s not interested, but she doesn’t want to. I’ve asked her has she heard from him since I confronted her the second time, but he seems to of vanished without a trace, even tho they were going to meet on the day I found the messages. He seems to pop up when she’s unhappy/single and disappears when I fund something. The original messages were deleted within minutes of me finding them and the phone I took the second lot of messages went missing and hasn’t been seen since. Thankfully messages were forwarded on before this happened. She denies all knowledge of where the phones gone. At the moment I feel she’s benefiting from me looking after her and being in the house to support the family and the house but doesn’t really want to commit to make it right or help me. I’ve asked her to be open with her phone and message him to tell him to FO but she’s not interested. I’m at a loss as I don’t know how long I can do this, but desperately want to keep my family together. I love her very much but not getting the same back is hard to swallow. Any help, advice, thoughts or opinions would be hugely appreciated, negative or positive. Thanks for taking the time to read this also Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Can I trust what she’s saying? Nope. I'm sorry, I know it's an awful way to be treated, but like the therapist said, she's walking all over you. She's lying to you every day, phukking her boyfriend, and looking for a way to exit with the house, money and child. You aren't doing yourself any favors by wishing and hoping. This is done. Time to protect your assets and get her out of your life permanently. She has no conscience or remorse, so don't expect her to give a damn how you feel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I’m not justifying her emotional affair - but what have you done about working so much? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Your wife is a very typical cheating liar. Nothing special. This happens all the time. The big difference is it's happened to you. From your posts the affair is still ongoing. It's a physica/sexual affair so try and get out of denial. That Wong help you at all. That's why she won't issue a no contact to him. They are smarter now and have gone underground. Playing the pick me dance trying to nice her back won't get you a thing. At this time you are wallowing in infidelity. She may have put you there but you are the only one that can keep you where she put you. Wake up 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 If you can't stand up and say I don't do second place you'll stay where you are unless she dumps you. If the other man is married you should inform his wife without warning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Benzini Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 I’m not justifying her emotional affair - but what have you done about working so much? I dramatically reduced my hours to a normal 9-5 pattern for the last 4 months. This isn’t sustainable because we’re potless. I’m steadily returning to work and have promised to manage it better when she wants me home. The only reason I worked as much as I did this year was because of the holiday. It was a hell of a blow considering all the extra hours I worked was our only spending money in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 (edited) My experience is that by the time a woman reaches the point of telling you "I'm no longer in love with you" she has exited the marriage. Women generally would not reveal this sentiment unless they already had someone else lined up. I agree with others that this affair is already physical and these "naps" she is taking are exactly what you fear. It has likely been going on far longer than you know - which is why emotionally the hour glass has turned and she places a higher value on her affair than her marriage. File for divorce immediately even though it may not be where your heart is. The process can take quite a while, especially if she continues to be as obstinate as you describe. You can always pause or stop the process if there really is any chance of saving your marriage. If you fail to act now however, this will simply continue until she finds her own way out at very great personal cost to you. The issue of informing the other man's wife (if married) is up to you. It will for certain shine some light in the dark recesses of this cave. I caution you however to steer clear of him otherwise so not to injure yourself in the divorce standings. Be the better adult. Be the better person no matter how hard or painful. You wil be thankful for having done so in the end. Just don't let a decade and hundreds of thousands of dollars slip by while you place your own fate on pause waiting for someone else to decide what they want. I know from first hand experience that this is a band aid you should pull off quickly if you want to heal. Edited January 13, 2019 by Turning point 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The Dude Abides Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Hello OP, Once thing that I have learned on this forum and several others is that there are a wide variety of standards for what is “acceptable behavior” in a marriage. I point this out because I am about as traditional as it can be when it comes to ideas about what is good, right and proper with a marriage. But there are many others who think my ideas are too restrictive just as I think their way is difficult for me to understand. So the point is, what do YOU think is acceptable? Try this thought experiment. Take yourself back in time to when you were first courting your future wife. Imagine at that time the two of you discussed any number of things that would be “fair game” during your upcoming marriage. Imagine she said “I will want to have secretive communications with other men”. Imagine she said “If you work too much and try to do too much to provide for the family, I reserve the right to have an affair because I will feel disconnected from you”. And so on. Decide for yourself if that would have been part of the acceptable ground rules for you 7 years ago, prior to your wedding. I personally don’t see a spouse being justified to carry on with another person while they are having problems with their spouse. I firmly believe that there is never a justification for “ stepping out” as long as the marriage is still legally intact. But as noted above, many people do feel there is wiggle room for this standard and they are able to recover from painful violations of the marital bond. For those people, I sincerely hope that things work out for them for the best. And if that is what you really want, I hope it works out for you, as well. But if you aren’t the type who would have ever felt your wife’s current behavior is acceptable , then you know what you need to do. Protect yourself, protect your assets, protect your children. The way she has been behaving, in my mind, is horrible to you as her husband and also for her children. She is destroying the family life that the children know. She cannot provide a proper environment for children while she runs around enjoying an illicit affair with a man who is not their father. I hope all works out the best for you and your children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Since then it’s been a rollercoaster of trying to figure out what the hell to do. She tells me she didn’t mean it, that she’s sorry and that she still loves me. Shes somewhat reverted on the separation but hasn’t really committed to making it right. All this means is there's been a downturn in her other relationship, were everything on track there she'd be long gone. So she's holding you at arm's length (no physical interaction, right?) while she figures things out with him, needing you to provide a fall-back plan if her affair ends. In short, she's using you - again. Why you'd permit this is beyond me. Personally, I'd put her stuff on the drive and change the locks... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Tell her you’re divorcing her and she better get a full time job! Stop providing her the life she’s used to. She’s spoiled and mean. Why would you want to stay with someone who’s only using you now? Let her OM provide for her. Tell her that. Move money and all assets into your name only before telling her anything. She may get more motivated when she realizes you’ve stripped her from the money you earn and she’s got to get to working all the time. She’s got time to cheat? Then she’s got time to work, work, work! Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 All this means is there's been a downturn in her other relationship, were everything on track there she'd be long gone. So she's holding you at arm's length (no physical interaction, right?) while she figures things out with him, needing you to provide a fall-back plan if her affair ends. In short, she's using you - again. Why you'd permit this is beyond me. Personally, I'd put her stuff on the drive and change the locks... I agree that she has gotten ahead of herself - stepping off your marriage train, crossing over the tracks to her affair only to find that train has not yet arrived at the station. She's going to string you along until she finds out where that other train is. While putting her stuff on the drive and changing the locks is metaphorically a good plan - it's probably not legal and given the gender roles and social narrative you could end up paying dearly for behaving that way. You can make the same statement legally by having a joint divorce petition drawn up and asking her to sign it, or by filing your own petition without notice. This takes away the power she now has over you emotionally because it adds the very public oversight of others and a well defined time table. Sorry you are going through this. It's horrible. Focus on being the best version of you - and that will help you as you go through this to identify where if at all she fits in with that. To paraphrase a well-known therapist: "Your first marriage is over. Can you build a second marriage with this same person, or not?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rubix Cubed Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I’m not justifying her emotional affair - but what have you done about working so much? He doesn't need to do anything about working a lot to keep her in a good lifestyle because it's all a bull**** history re-write she's using to justify her infidelity and blameshift it on to him. Besides if he didn't work a lot her re-write would be that he's lazy and doesn't provide for her like she expects. His IC even said her excuses were crap. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 While putting her stuff on the drive and changing the locks is metaphorically a good plan - it's probably not legal and given the gender roles and social narrative you could end up paying dearly for behaving that way. You're right, my bad. OP, put her stuff in the garage ... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Tell her she has a decision to make. She can either go to marriage counseling with you so you two can fix things together and end the emotional (let's hope it's not physical yet)affair with him, or she can pack her bags and get out of the house. She has emotionally detached from you and is investing emotionally in this other guy, that's for sure! Her finding reasons to be unhappy with you is crap (aka re writing marital history to suit her best) and she's using it as an excuse to do as she pleases. Her refusing to show her full conversations and what is going on just shows how messed up her head is. She's lying and living a fantasy here. Hoping that she can continue to selfishly have her needs met by the OM and stay married to you. What does she tell him about you and the marriage? Is he married? If so, try to find out who his wife is and talk to her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I’m not justifying her emotional affair - but what have you done about working so much? Let's assume here that his wife is a stay at home mom. He is the breadwinner and is providing for his wife (who's cheating on him!) and children. If she is lonely or bored at home she can get involved in activities, spend time with friends, family and set up play dates with other mom's and kids. Sounds to me she's going through something and is feeling down. Instead of handling it in a healthy way she's chosen to selfishly reach out to someone else to try to make her happy. On the expense of her hard working husband and children. Link to post Share on other sites
Jamess1 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I dramatically reduced my hours to a normal 9-5 pattern for the last 4 months. This isn’t sustainable because we’re potless. I’m steadily returning to work and have promised to manage it better when she wants me home. The only reason I worked as much as I did this year was because of the holiday. It was a hell of a blow considering all the extra hours I worked was our only spending money in the end. Dude go back to work, the fact that you think the problem has anything to do with the long hours you work is part of the reason your wife has lost attraction to you, you 'just don't get it'... "The rationalization hamster is an analogy for the thought processes used by women to turn bad behavior and bad decisions into acceptable ones to herself and her friends. When a woman makes a bad decision, the hamster spins in its wheel (the woman’s thinking) and creates some type of acceptable reasons for that bad decision. The crazier the decision, the faster the hamster must spin in order to successfully rationalize away the insanity" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 She is lying too you. This was a physical affair not just emotional. Get a lawyer and file for divorce. Do not say anything to your wife about divorce until you hand her the papers. He hasn’t disappeared, her phone has. They are still doing each other. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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