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Is my husband "sharing" another woman with his friend?


powershell

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I am 45 years old, married 5 years to my second husband who is 33. We have 2 little ones, ages 4 and 5. Our marriage is extremely lopsided financially, and in other areas. I make 6 figures, while he works random jobs at ~$12 / hour. Additionally, I do most of the house maintenance: cooking, cleaning, errands, bill paying, vacation planning, etc. It adds a lot of stress to me and while we have a far from perfect marriage, he is great with the kids and we have a couple hobbies in common, and sex is good (but not often, maybe once a week if we are not fighting about something).

 

A bit of history: from long before the beginning of our relationship, my husband has had virtual (online / text) relationships with women. One in particular he talked with a lot, over the span of nearly 10 years. I believe this woman was catfishing him, and he has since realized the same. We have worked through all of this, and I believe he has not contacted her in many years (at least I've found no evidence).

 

Recently, I found a series of texts on an old phone of his and it has me extremely concerned. It was sent to a friend and coworker of his after a long day of manual labor. Something along the lines of: "hey, thanks for your help today. Summer should give you a full body massage with her full body tonight." Then a series of explicit things said woman could do including a "chocolate starfish", and then: "I give you permission for her".

 

A couple days later, there is a series of texts between him and the same friend, where my husband asks if his friend still has "those little itchies". Friend says yes, but they are going away. My husband and him exchange details about this crotch rash that they both have, joking around about it a little. I do remember my husband showing me this rash at the time, and said he got it from borrowing climbing gear from someone. ??

 

These text were all about 6 months ago. I don't know whether to confront him about the texts, and have him just lie about it or make something up. Or just wait and try to see if there are more texts. He has a new phone now and it will take too much time and energy of mine to play detective 24/7.

 

Any input or suggestions, would be appreciated. I talked to a friend of mine about it, and she said maybe they were just joking around. Could that really be it??

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The Dude Abides

Yikes.

 

I can understand why you have concerns and suspicions. The excuse for a rash from climbing gear at least gets some credit for creativity :eek:

 

My point of view about guys talking sh*t: I was in construction my entire working life before retiring. The kind of stuff that was said on a job site would, as my grandmother used to say, “turn the air blue”.

 

With that said, I don’t recall ever hearing guys talking about what sounds like sharing a woman, unless it was really happening. Meaning, hypothetical sharing wasn’t the kind of trash-talk that went on.

 

I hope you will be able to get to the bottom of this and also get some peace of mind (one way or the other).

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Yikes.

 

With that said, I don’t recall ever hearing guys talking about what sounds like sharing a woman, unless it was really happening

 

Thanks. I'm thinking escort or something. Doesn't sound like my husband has a lot of respect for whomever he's talking about. I'm trying to work up the energy to ask him about it tonight.

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Thanks. I'm thinking escort or something. Doesn't sound like my husband has a lot of respect for whomever he's talking about. I'm trying to work up the energy to ask him about it tonight.

 

You better!

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Thanks. I'm thinking escort or something. Doesn't sound like my husband has a lot of respect for whomever he's talking about. I'm trying to work up the energy to ask him about it tonight.

If you alert him to your suspicious he'll deny deny deny and gas light you and take his cheating, if he is cheating, underground.

If you want answers you need to lay low with eyes and ears open and delve deep.

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Wow.

 

So much to unpack here.

 

How did you wind up married to a lazy bump on the log who only works random, low paying jobs and you carry not only the financial burden but also the household burdens also?

 

And why are you married to a man that carried on a long term online affair? Or who may be cheating?

 

is he that good in bed?

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If you alert him to your suspicious he'll deny deny deny and gas light you and take his cheating deep.

 

Yeah, I think that ship has sailed. Based on my response to past sketchy activities of his (virtual relationships, gaming addiction), he already knows that I'm on high-alert to his secret activities. But I NEVER thought he would cheat IRL. I do have the knowledge that another person is involved in his secrets (the co-worker), so I could hit him up if I get denials from my husband. Not sure the co-worker will rat him out though, considering that they are friends.

 

All of this is so draining. If we didn't have the little kids, I would have kicked him to the curb years ago. I'll just see what he says tonight and go from there.

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Wow.

 

How did you wind up married to a lazy bump on the log who only works random, low paying jobs and you carry not only the financial burden but also the household burdens also?

 

And why are you married to a man that carried on a long term online affair? Or who may be cheating?

 

is he that good in bed?

 

Just a slow, downward progression, I think. We met while playing soccer, and he was working a steady job that he had been at for 3 years or so. I didn't find out about the virtual relationship until after we were married and had a baby. He's got some depression/bi-polar issues going on, but has kept his current job for over a year now. I don't know - half the time things are pretty good - I love my job and my family and I'm a happy person overall. The idea of having to share custody of our kids if we divorce keeps me in it, I think. I had a first marriage that ended in divorce, and I have a 16 yo from that one. I REALLY don't want to repeat that. Hoping to fix the marriage if at all possible.

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loversquarrel

I hate to say this but I don't know even one guy whose wife is that much older than him. At 33 he is not nearly as emotionally mature as you are and it's showing. I can guarantee you he's messed around on you already. Sharing a girl with a friend? Of course it's possible, it happens.

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How can you fix a a marriage to a guy who is so fundamentally flawed? What is he doing to deal with his mental illness and failure to be a partner?

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Recently, I found a series of texts on an old phone of his and it has me extremely concerned. It was sent to a friend and coworker of his after a long day of manual labor. Something along the lines of: "hey, thanks for your help today. Summer should give you a full body massage with her full body tonight." Then a series of explicit things said woman could do including a "chocolate starfish", and then: "I give you permission for her".

 

A couple days later, there is a series of texts between him and the same friend, where my husband asks if his friend still has "those little itchies". Friend says yes, but they are going away. My husband and him exchange details about this crotch rash that they both have, joking around about it a little. I do remember my husband showing me this rash at the time, and said he got it from borrowing climbing gear from someone. ??

 

Don't know if there's any fire, but that's certainly a lot of smoke.

 

Were I you, a 3-pronged approach -

 

- get yourself tested for STD's. Crotch rash? Itches? Yikes!

 

- Be observant but silent. If true, he'll just deny. If false, he'll deny. Nothing to be gained by coming forward.

 

- Push for MC if you really want to stay in the relationship. You have more broken parts that just suspected fidelity, all of which should be addressed.

 

Hope you find some answers...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Thank you everyone for the support. I did talk to my husband this afternoon for quite a while, and although we do have some marriage issues, I'm happy to report that cheating is not one of them. Communicating helps - we don't do enough of that for sure.

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Mrs._December
Thank you everyone for the support. I did talk to my husband this afternoon for quite a while, and although we do have some marriage issues, I'm happy to report that cheating is not one of them.

Boy, has he got YOU snowed. :rolleyes:

 

OP, you're his cash cow. When you make $12 an hour and your wife makes 6 figures, you're going to make sure the gravy train doesn't stop, so he'll tell you whatever you want to hear.

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Sharing a girl with a friend? Of course it's possible, it happens.

 

Happens often with AP's for married men. Pass them around, compare notes, give tips on the easiest way to bed her. It's not at all an unheard of bar room conversation. However, in this case, I think this sounds more like "escort" than AP.

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Boy, has he got YOU snowed. :rolleyes:

 

Lol, I wouldn't expect any other reaction given the picture that I've painted. I'll wrap this thread up with a little more thorough response.

 

The friend has a girlfriend named Summer (if I would have remembered that, I could have saved myself some stress). He is in an really bad/abusive relationship with her and is trying to end it and get full custody of their daughter. On recommendation of counselor (and other friends) he knows he should stop the physical/sex of their relationship. That was the reason for my husband's comment about "give permission". Like, dude, go ahead and get some tonight. :)

 

The rash was shared between them, and one other guy. They took down two large willow trees the weekend before. My husband was guessing it was from the harness originally, but then discovered the true source when he found out that the other guys had it as well.

 

I do appreciate everyone's comments on here - it helped me talk to my husband. We do not communicate very often, and it's something we should do more. Otherwise imaginations run wild, especially when I start digging for stuff. No doubt, we have marriage problems. I do like this forum as a way to talk to others dealing with the trials and tribulations of marriage. Thanks all.

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Lol, I wouldn't expect any other reaction given the picture that I've painted. I'll wrap this thread up with a little more thorough response.

 

The friend has a girlfriend named Summer (if I would have remembered that, I could have saved myself some stress). He is in an really bad/abusive relationship with her and is trying to end it and get full custody of their daughter. On recommendation of counselor (and other friends) he knows he should stop the physical/sex of their relationship. That was the reason for my husband's comment about "give permission". Like, dude, go ahead and get some tonight. :)

 

The rash was shared between them, and one other guy. They took down two large willow trees the weekend before. My husband was guessing it was from the harness originally, but then discovered the true source when he found out that the other guys had it as well.

 

I do appreciate everyone's comments on here - it helped me talk to my husband. We do not communicate very often, and it's something we should do more. Otherwise imaginations run wild, especially when I start digging for stuff. No doubt, we have marriage problems. I do like this forum as a way to talk to others dealing with the trials and tribulations of marriage. Thanks all.

 

But you did know that the girlfriend's name is Summer, you included her name in your first post. Do you mean you thought that Summer was some random girl? Have you met this girlfriend? I'm not sure how a willow tree caused a genital rash. Were they not wearing pants.

 

I truly hope things work out, but remember, cheaters lie like a rug. Lying comes as naturally as breathing to a cheater. You think oh if he was lying I would see some sign of it. Like a hesitancy in answering a question, a look on his face, a tone in his voice. You would be very surprised at how easy it is to fool someone, especially someone who wants to believe. It's pointless to confront a cheater before you have absolute proof of the cheating. If anything, confronting too soon just gives the cheater the chance to get better at hiding. Any more signs and I would recommend that you stay silent while you dig for more info.

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I'm not sure how a willow tree caused a genital rash. Were they not wearing pants.

 

You use a harness when removing large trees and, since the work is hard, not unusual to rotate turns. The rash spreads through any skin contact and looks for moist areas of the body to grow.

 

I got the same thing once from using someone else's catching equipment playing baseball, and I can assure you we all had pants on...

 

Mr. Lucky

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His explanation of the "little itchies" comment strains credulity to the point of ridiculousness. Try as I might, I can't see how that could be referring to anything other than pubic lice. This, plus your husband's history of a wandering eye (that he knows you tolerate) does not seem good. I don't know what's going on but I have a feeling there's more than one woman being disrespected here.

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Putting aside all the other reasons you should dump his lazy azz, his explanations strike me as utterly false. I think he's lying.

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The rash was shared between them, and one other guy. They took down two large willow trees the weekend before. My husband was guessing it was from the harness originally, but then discovered the true source when he found out that the other guys had it as well.

 

 

I have used climbing harnesses all my life...I have never, not once, heard of that one. The climbing harnesses are relatively small..1.5 " straps that go around your upper torso , shoulders, and upper thighs....not your crotch...you would not like it if you fell and your nuts were smushed or even part of your weight was suspended by the joint between your upper leg and genital area.....I'm smelling BS...he is doing damage control. I would highly suggest that you get tested for STDs.

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Mrs._December
I have used climbing harnesses all my life...I have never, not once, heard of that one. The climbing harnesses are relatively small..1.5 " straps that go around your upper torso , shoulders, and upper thighs....not your crotch...you would not like it if you fell and your nuts were smushed or even part of your weight was suspended by the joint between your upper leg and genital area.....I'm smelling BS...he is doing damage control. I would highly suggest that you get tested for STDs.

Sadly, most people being cheated on want desperately to believe the nonsense stories their cheater is feeding them, and I think the OP believes his 'story' about the tree harness. Even with you infusing reality into the situation explaining how these harnesses actually work, that won't change a thing.

 

I hope the OP is still reading and reconsiders getting herself tested for STDs. You read way too many stories of BS's in denial and then they find out they have some horrid STD they'll keep for life. :(

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