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Unsure how to define a relationship


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 21st February 2019, 10:44 AM   #16
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It goes without saying, but a lot of people suffer terrible losses and/or deal with depression and unhappy marriages - and still manage to maintain appropriate boundaries with individuals of the opposite sex at work.

I too think you are grasping at straws here... ”It would be nice to get that perpetual black cloud out of your way for once...” do you mean that “perpetual black cloud” that you didn’t realize that you had until your counsellor brought it up?
No, I've been suffering from some form of depression most of my life and it traces back to that loss.
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Old 21st February 2019, 12:23 PM   #17
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Do you even acknowledge the sheer level of inappropriate behaviour of this woman'? It would not be acceptable with a married friend but in the workplace it's hard to believe it's gone unchecked. I'm not underplaying your involvement but you obviously felt special and singled out by the interaction.


What would you do if you found out your wife was acting like this with another man? Would you feel betrayed at all or just say well it's ok her feelings are hers to have?
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Old 21st February 2019, 12:33 PM   #18
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Well, as I believe I said earlier, one of the things that has helped me pull back is asking myself if I thought that behavior (by either party) would be shady if I saw my wife doing it. The answer is obvious.

And, yes, I guess it did make me feel special. It was the affection I craved (still do, if I'm being honest). Trying to figure out why that is.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 21st February 2019 at 6:22 PM.. Reason: Redact quote of prior post
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Old 21st February 2019, 5:23 PM   #19
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Well, don't cross any boundaries and just keep working your way through IC. Good luck.
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Old 21st February 2019, 5:40 PM   #20
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OP,
I don't know this woman, but I have met women like her. The outgoing, "flirty" behavior is nothing more than manipulation.
No offense to men, but they are very easily led around by their lizard brain. This isn't to say you want to sleep with her, but you're attracted to her and she knows that. She gets the ego feed of having you, but none of the emotional baggage that goes along with an actual relationship.

Some women who are like that are harmless. It can be a lot of fun to be around them, and they don't really even realize they're doing it. It really is innocent, and if they are asked to dial it back, they do.

Others can lash out. They see the rejection as something far more than it is.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 21st February 2019 at 6:21 PM.. Reason: Fix spacing
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Old 22nd February 2019, 1:37 PM   #21
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Not sure the case here, but I've noticed in life and on Loveshack, some guys confuse an outgoing friendly woman as being flirtatious towards them, but if they'd just watch her with other people, they'd know it's just how she is in general and even with other women. It's important not to just judge someone by how they are with you but to look for a wider perspective.
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Old 22nd February 2019, 4:01 PM   #22
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Peraph, I agree that can be the case but in OP's case I don't think so. The woman in question was running and jumping into his arms, touching his his knee and chest not to mention his chest hair. That is not just an outgoing friendly woman, that is someone who has no idea of appropriate boundaries and if they were male would have called out long ago about their behaviour. Remember they are work colleagues after all.



I don't know about you but this is not the kind of thing I would find acceptable if iI found out a friend never mind a colleague, of my partner was acting like this with him.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 9:53 PM   #23
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This woman is dangerous. She is manipulating you. She has boyfriends and she is not mentioning them because she knows it would affect her power over you. I am amazed at both your behaviour in the office - blatant flirting! No wonder you are mentally messed up; she is encouraging this confusion.

I can understand how you got attached to her. It's flattering, she's pretty and she knows it. She knows how to pull strings and manipulate men. You are not fully happy in your relationship and life so you are vulnerable. But, you have not drawn any lines with her so you are both involved in this flirtatious connection.

I feel the reason you cannot define this relationship is because she has allowed you to come too close and no further. You are suspended in an uncomfortable place. I think you might be better going back to square one and seeing if there is anything left in your marriage. I do not feel this 'flirtation' will go anywhere, but as long as you are suspended in it you are not looking beyond it at your marriage or anything else.

I would definitely draw a line with this woman. I don't think she is a 'femme fatale' who is at fault here - it is a game you are both been playing - but you know it is not going anywhere and you are stuck. Pull yourself out of this situation and focus on what you do have. If that's not enough for you, then change things so that you can find what you need. I can bet it's not going to happen with her.
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Old 14th March 2019, 2:37 PM   #24
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I don't know if I can be that cynical about it. Mind you, she went out of her way to get me my job. Being in IT, I'm used to hotties playing nice-nice/flirting with me to get things all the time. Story of my life. But she doesn't do that.

I'm still in IC, and figure I will be for a while. Marriage is in a decent place at the moment and trying to focus on that as much as I can. And life is currently busy as all hell, esp due to kids' activities. But my feelings do still exist.

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Old 14th March 2019, 4:57 PM   #25
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There's a process I need to go through, but having difficulty getting that needed time to myself.
LonelyITGuy,

Do you truly feel that this is something that you can leave and not make a priority to sort out? Not only for your marriage but, more importantly, for your own mental-emotional health and well-being.

You would, I am almost certain, be able to get the time needed to take care of a broken leg...how is this any less important?
Or, is there also some underlying fear related to going through that process that you need to go through?

There is a phenomenon that one of my therapists brought to my attention, that was hindering me from moving forward, so perhaps you can discuss the idea with your own therapist:
It is along the lines that it is possible that, after 40 years, you have become so used to 'carrying the weight of it' that it has become part of your identity,
and the thought of the potential 'loss' of that part can be interfering with your ability to make further progress.

For me, it was a very challenging time, and took a lot of courage and determination to face just that aspect, to be able to go deeper for the healing that I needed to do.

Wishing you all the best.
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Old 15th March 2019, 11:58 AM   #26
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Thank you so much, Ronni. I've thought about that A LOT. My depression/pessimism is something that I'm not familiar living without. That's a great question and you might be spot on. As I've said before, I have NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT in my life. I have a great job that pays well and gives me tremendous flexibility, a supportive wife, happy, smart and healthy kids, a great home. There are plenty of people who have none of that. Yet, I'm miserable most of the time. I get hung up on things or feelings that keep me in a bad place.

I'm gonna get there, some way, some how. But I won't deny I may be, subconsciously, avoiding it.

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Old 15th March 2019, 12:14 PM   #27
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LonelyITGuy -

I agree with the above poster that Mary has little or no sense of appropriate work behavior. Given your emotional state, it is easy to view her behavior
as possibly something more, and you almost need/want to view it as something more to make your current life more manageable (even though its sounds like you have a good life). It's almost something you need so you have something to look forward to in your day-to-day.

This woman does not sound romantically interested in you. I'm sorry, but the fact that she has *NEVER* asked about your wife or relationship is very telling. Anyone interested would inquire or at least be curious. She may not be comfortable telling you about bfs because she senses you hold a candle for her, and does not want to hurt your feelings. I'm sure she enjoys your company as a friend/co-worker, but not more than that. Please don't waste another 6 years of your life pining for someone where it is not reciprocal. Either try to appreciate your current family situation or move forward. I know it is not easy.
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Old 15th March 2019, 1:21 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by LonelyITGuy View Post
I'm gonna get there, some way, some how. But I won't deny I may be, subconsciously, avoiding it.
YOU deserve much better than this, from yourself. As do your wife and children.

You may not have anything to complain about as far as externals and outer conditions and circumstances, but clearly there is something very wrong internally.
Procrastinating on fixing it, perhaps because of some fear that you won't be able to handle whatever comes up in that process for healing that you need to do,
is only doing yourself (and your family) a major disservice. Perhaps it might help to consider if it's the kind of role-model you want to be for your children.(?)

Speaking from my own experience, it comes as a very pleasant surprise when we finally learn how actually and truly 'strong', resilient and resourceful we are when it comes to facing
and overcoming past trauma. .
In your own case, consider how much you have already accomplished/attained as an adult...even while dragging around the weight of this 40-year-old piece of destructive baggage.
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Old 15th March 2019, 4:34 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by LonelyITGuy View Post
But I won't deny I may be, subconsciously, avoiding it.
ITGuy,

Am I wrong, or is it true to say that you can no longer claim that you are only 'subconsciously' avoiding making the effort and doing the work that you know is needed?

Last edited by Ronni_W; 15th March 2019 at 4:39 PM.. Reason: Correction.
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