Voluntary D-Day..how did you do it?

[brokenandhopeless]

For those of you who went through D-Day, voluntarily, would you please be able to tell me how you went about it?

 

I am actively trying to muster up the courage to tell H because he deserves to know the truth...and of taking actions. I am pretty tired of living this inauthentic life. Hence trying to find some inspiration to go about it and be honest. Not easy, and I know the outcomes could be pretty devastating for the family unit. However, I feel it must be done at some point for H to have a better shot at life.

 

I don't know yet where I stand but I have been toying with the idea pretty heavily.

[Aloha123]

Wow BrokenandHopeless good for you for even considering the topic. That's not necessarily what I would have expected from you.

 

Not to sidetrack the post, but how have your efforts at LC/NC gone in the past few weeks?

[brokenandhopeless]

Aloha123, not at all good and we have been having more arguments than anything else. He holds all the power and dismisses me and my feelings. I've sort of reached my breaking point. He doesn't care. For him, I am dispensable. However, for me, he pretty much occupies every single second and space in my mind. Not good. This has to end and hence considering something radical to A. be honest with my husband who deserves better. B. for me to move on one way or another.

[seren]

My H told me about the affair, it had lasted 8 months, we had been together 22 yrs or so at the time. He just sat me down, told me he had something to tell me and came out with it. He didn't try to blame shift, he asked if he could stay and ended it there and then with the OW.

 

Although I was very angry (understatement), I did understand how difficult telling me was and had he not told me and I found out (I would have eventually) I would not be here now 10 yrs later.

 

His honesty and willingness to answer everything I asked and the visible signs of remorse and if he had shown that simply feeling like the telling was the end, but the beginning for me and us and him understanding that it was no easy fix, it wouldn't have worked.

 

For month's he had been telling me he was a bad person, I even said if it would make him happy we should split up and I would help disentangle our life together. He always said he loved me and us and that he didn't want us to split up, this meant I had an idea that all wasn't good. TBH him telling me about the A was a relief, it meant I wasn't going mad.

 

I admire you for wanting to give your husband the right to make an informed choice about his life and you letting him know what has been happening. I hope it goes well for you (as well as it can be). If you have children, maybe they should go stay with family for the weekend, be prepared for shouting and anger, think through what he might ask and how you will answer.

[elaine567]

You have to consider that divorce may be the outcome and prepare yourself for that..

It seems to me that men tend not to tolerate cheating wives well.

Women wo are cheated upon stay for the kids and the financial security and because she loves him.

Men it seems to me can more easily walk away and never look back,

Fidelity in their woman can be a big part of their love dynamic and without it they are not interested.

Many men can also not stomach the thought of their wife with another man.

 

 

Be careful before you blow everything up.

[Ravensglen]

I would talk to a counselor first. Even a marriage counselor to get some perspective as they e worked with a lot of other couples. I think first you need to clarify your goal. What are you actually trying to do? Do you want to save the marriage? Or do you want it to end?

 

I would really figure that out (with a counselor) before you try to figure it how to tell him if that is what you decide to do.

[brokenandhopeless]

I would talk to a counselor first. Even a marriage counselor to get some perspective as they e worked with a lot of other couples. I think first you need to clarify your goal. What are you actually trying to do? Do you want to save the marriage? Or do you want it to end?

 

I would really figure that out (with a counselor) before you try to figure it how to tell him if that is what you decide to do.

 

At this point, I just feel he deserves the truth and for him to find somebody else if need be. I was not a good wife the last 4 years with this largely EA. I feel guilty of robbing him of what he could have and not being able to be the "present" spouse.

[brokenandhopeless]

You have to consider that divorce may be the outcome and prepare yourself for that..

 

 

Be careful before you blow everything up.

 

Thank you elaine567. Yes, I am aware that divorce could be the outcome but, he deserves to know the truth, come what may. So my head says today. A price to pay if i do end up having the D-Day.

[brokenandhopeless]

Thank you Seren.

Unfortunately our families live in a different country and hence the kids can't go anywhere but be with us.

 

Thank you for your perspective. Appreciate it.

[eastdean]

I had an answer for you based on my own experience. My own experience was, I did not have the guts to do that and take the consequences. I wish I had.

[ABernie]

I would talk to a counselor first. Even a marriage counselor to get some perspective as they e worked with a lot of other couples. I think first you need to clarify your goal. What are you actually trying to do? Do you want to save the marriage? Or do you want it to end?

 

I would really figure that out (with a counselor) before you try to figure it how to tell him if that is what you decide to do.

 

ITA with this. My AP told his BW with the intent of ending the marriage. They were already talking about divorce and he wanted to move it along. It made the process much, much worse.

[brokenandhopeless]

Thank you eastdean and Abernie.

 

I have been lightly broaching the subject of divorce with my husband without going into the real reasons every time and he is stricken. I did this 2 days ago and he was upset again. It is unfair of me to do this without delving deep and being honest with him. I just can't throw this up in the air with him without giving him a reason. Honestly, I've lost all attraction and bond to him because of the one-sided EA (which of course is on its own downhill course).

 

I wonder if, when the EA is completely done (which I expect to happen pretty soon given the spiral it is in), if my former feelings for my H will return.

[ABernie]

I think the best move would be to talk to a IC and then ask IC if you can bring H in to talk about 1. divorce and 2. if need be, affair.

 

The IC will know how to do this is a neutral way. They have seen many, many couples go through this and all sorts of repairable and non-repairable things.

 

It's not easy. Things were bad for years with my STBX and he was resentful to me for pulling away. He started to be mean (verbally), so it was easy for me to pull the D trigger as soon as my EA went PA.

[snowcones]

Not sure how to tell your spouse but this therapist writes of the 3 possible outcomes you can expect after confessing.

 

 

https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/blog/details/1045/esther-perels-secret-to-weathering-an-affair

Edited January 10, 2019 by snowcones

[Missedmistress]

For those of you who went through D-Day, voluntarily, would you please be able to tell me how you went about it?

 

We had DDay because AP was caught so I did not hesitate to tell my H voluntarily at the same time. AP was his friend, we all know each other so that's maybe different if not harder to admit to.

 

I told him before I put our son to bed that I needed to talk to him about something serious and asked him not to have a drink as he needed to be sober. He knew something real was up. Then I sat him down and just came out with it as it was. I think I said:

 

'I have something to tell you.' 'I've been having an affair. It's with someone you know. It's xyz.'

 

Then the questions came, how long, what we did etc. I answered but my only regret is that I didn't tell the whole truth because AP and I agreed to tell the same story to 'minimize' the pain so I felt obligated to follow the script.

 

I was relieved to tell him to be honest, I absolutely had no idea how he would react, I was sick of lying though and that was stronger than the fear.

 

I think I would have accepted any outcome, not because I wanted to be with AP, but if H wanted to walk, I would have understood. But we decided to reconcile in the end.

 

His reaction on the day? He was in some sort of shock and even called AP and they talked for an hour. Weird. He told him he 'understands' why it happened, he doesn't approve of course and that it stopped right there (well, it didn't but that's another story). Then the next day the anger kicked in, but he has been great at not directing it at me, I think he blames his friend (AP) more than me for it. I didn't throw AP under the bus though, I took 50% of the responsibility and still do to this day.

 

Good luck, whatever happens, remember that he has the right to know. You are doing the best thing for him in the end to be able to decide about his life.

[DKT3]

I will always support confession except in cases where violence is likely. AND in cases like this. I believe OP thinks confession will provide her a direction to travel. This is extremely unhealthy. I believe you need to make a decision and not leave it up to these two men.

[snowcones]

OP, who do you want to be with, your husband or your affair partner?

[brokenandhopeless]

OP, who do you want to be with, your husband or your affair partner?

 

There is no future with A. To him I am just a friend with occasional online sexting benefits. Nothing more. I value him differently. So there is definitely no future there.

 

The last 1 week there has been negligent to LC because he is going through issues and frankly, since I am in the friend box, I can be dispensed with.

 

As for H, i'd be with him if i can get the attraction and bond back. That's what I need to figure out. Because for 13 years I actively resisted MM's advances, calls etc. Now of course, as per the classic script, now that I am engaged, he pulls away and labels me frequently as a friend. He has always been clear I am a friend with online benefits. I felt differently and never told him. I had to break up with my first BF because of him and I kept away from him for 14 years and now it's affecting my marriage.

 

So, there is NO future with MM AT ALL. Question is what I need to do with my marriage.

[brokenandhopeless]

Thank you Abernie and Missedmistress.

 

DKT3: Would you please help me understand what you mean by "direction to travel?"

 

Honestly, there is no future with AP because it is one-sided from me. As for H, guilt is making me consider being honest because he deserves better.

 

I don't expect any good outcomes and in fact, I am considering the bad outcomes that are likely to pass....Something that I have to live with. I have strayed for 4 years mentally and one-sidedly. So i am trying to see if I can sort of get back on track on the moral compass.

 

Now you may say that guilt propelling me is being selfish but then again...I am only thinking of the right thing to do going forward.

 

Sheesh I am so confused.

[DKT3]

Thank you Abernie and Missedmistress.

 

DKT3: Would you please help me understand what you mean by "direction to travel?"

 

 

Sheesh I am so confused.

this is what I meant.

 

I think you want the decisions to be made for you. By confessing it will force your husband to choose.

[snowcones]

I used to think the reasons mattered whether or not you confessed. Now I don't think it matters. What matters is getting on with the business of repairing or dispensing with your marriage. Because what will be, will be, and that needs to get going right away, so you can stop wasting time with the other foolishness.

[somanymistakes]

It's not wrong to want the other people's input in the decision.

 

Especally since her husband deserves to know that there's a decision to be made.

[pepperbird]

A lot of people make the mistake that revealing the affair is what causes the damage.

 

 

It's not. The hiding, deception, lying...those cause the damage. Being honest may be difficult and painful for both spouses, but in the end, a WS has zero right to ask their spouse to stay, not knowing the full picture. They also have no right to keep the BS chasing their tail, wondering what they are doing wrong that's making their husband or wife so distant, when the whole time, it's really nothing they're doing/ not doing.

 

 

What's the saying about a house being divided by itself not being able to stand?

[Prudence V]

For those of you who went through D-Day, voluntarily, would you please be able to tell me how you went about it?

 

My H did this with his xBW. Initially he had just planned to tell her he would be leaving the M, but since she refused to believe that, he felt he had to tell her that there was someone that he loved, that there was no prospect of the M being salvaged, that he’d moved on emotionally, to put an end to her denial and to prevent false hope.

 

Like you, he was also motivated by struggling with the inauthenticity: his original plan to stay in the M until the kids were grown had proven unfeasible, and while she was happy enough with the way things were, he wasn’t. So he needed to pull the plug on the fake M and move to a real R.

 

It was hard. But he didn’t regret it. In retrospect, her knowing about the A made the D more toxic, but if she hadn’t known, she’d have fought it all the way anyway, so it’s hard to imagine an “easier” route. But it was a more honest route, and for someone who is essentially a very honest person, he had really struggled with lying by omission, and was glad to have it all out in the open.

[Orokotikki]

Be brave.

 

I am a BH and R has been very hard.

I found out on my own.

I have often thought how I would be so glad (reassured, maybe proud of her) if I could tell myself she was decent enough, trustworthy enough to confess.

 

Doing the right thing(s) can end the compounding moral injury you have been inflicting on yourself.

 

Be brave, be kind.