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Do you think he even cared ?


Helivesforme

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Helivesforme

I know you might just say who cares if he cared. It was wrong. Here is the story.

I had been depressed/sleep deprived & feeling suffocated & isolated by my husband. About 2 years ago I was working the graveyard shift. My husband had been accusing me of cheating and guilted me out of a promotion because he said the short term sacrifice was too much for our family.

 

I gave up that promotion & decided to put my family first & have resented him since then. Yes we went to counseling eventually after I had already checked out a year prior. Any way to make a long story short. I met a male co worker/supervisor. He seems very positive and hardworking. I was drawn to his positive energy.

 

I was very unhappy in my marriage and found myself talking or venting to a female co worker. Well this particular supervisor walked in mid conversation and my female co worker told him about my business. A couple of weeks later this supervisor was openly venting about some work frustrations. He seemed upset. He has always been friendly and approachable. I decide to send him a message via computer to tell him it was ok & that he cares about the situation because he is a good person. Well I guess that started our friendship. He started typing me things and flirting. We would make fun & say jokes.

 

I guess I was being naive but then he started making statements or comments & I would ask him what they meant but he would say nevermind or that I was playing dumb. I told him I wasn't interested in anything other then a platonic friendship. Since he is married too! He is 11 years my senior and has a wife and adult/teenage kids. One day he had the courage to message me if I wanted to grab a coffee. I agreed to meet him before work but he didn't have my phone number. So wires got crossed and I didn't show.

 

He then said I stood him up. Eventually he asked me for my number so we could communicate via phone instead of work computers. I gave him my cell phone number. He started texting me & calling me. I soon found myself thinking about him and such. At first it seemed like he just wanted to get into my pants , so I would stop talking to him. He would component me and I told him it didn't feel right because those belonged to his wife .I told him he was lucky his wife put up with his nonsense. He openly admitted to cheating on his wife once before, getting caught and so of course I thought he had bad intentions. We continued to talk as friends but our attraction grew. After one year of talking/texting and some hugs here and there. No physical contact. We ended up kissing. We have not had any sex. I started getting emotionally attached , knowing it was wrong I told him we should stop talking because it isn't going anywhere and there was no point. Of course I felt guilt and cheap and disgusted with myself.

 

He comes around my office still for no reason other then to make his presence known to me. He would look sad one day, happy another. One day I was working with another guy and he walked in and out 3 times within my shift for no reason at all. He would wait by the exit or by my office door during the time I would leave the office just to run into me. He would text me on my birthday and holidays. Was this all a game or did he care about me? We never went on any actual dates.

 

I wouldn't let him buy me anything cause I didn't want to feel like I owed him anything. He gave me a ton of attention and would grow upset when I told him we should not talk anymore. I still have to see him and I try to avoid and ignore him when I can but he still tries to start conversations with me.

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Helivesforme

I thought players give up once they realize a woman is going to be too much work or too much of a challenge. This male co worker started as a flirt and told me he wouldn't mind being intimate with me. However he is married! This was 2 years ago and he still tries to talk to me after being friends for 2 years. Does he have feelings and some kinda attachment or is he still just after sex ? We have been communicating for about 2 years, we have hugged n kissed recently but I told him we can't talk anymore cause it's not gonna go anywhere and there's no point. That we are both married and we can't continue.

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Helivesforme

i want to rid him

Of my life if he was only using me & I

Do not want to smile & talk to him. I cannot decide whether or not he genuinely cares for me.

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ExpatInItaly

It sounds like he enjoyed the attention you gave him, and yes, he probably wants to get you in bed.

 

As for whether he genuinely cares, we can't say, really. But let's imagine for the sake of argument that he did/does - what does that change for you?

 

I mean that as a sincere question. You are both still married to other people, so would finding out he really cares make a lot of difference as to your next step? You say you want to get rid of him, but are you saying that only because you are worried that he was just using you for an ego-boost and want to beat him to the punch? If you want him to scram, keep ignoring his attempts to engage on a personal level. He'll eventually get bored and stop.

 

Keep in mind that you might not be the only woman he's been flirting with, either. Cheating is familiar territory to him. He could well be the type that has a couple of women in his back pocket, so it's not a huge issue for him if you're shutting it down. In other words, he could have someone else that does sleep with him (apart from his wife, I mean) so it's no real skin off his back if he's not getting it from you.

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It can be difficult for a man to find an OW, so once he finds a willing subject, he often doesn't want to let her go.

He can afford to wait however long it takes for sex as he has a wife at home and he may be cultivating other options too.

 

This is the world of extramarital sex not single dating.

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From personal experience, I know what his game is. It's like trying to open a safe for which you have no combination. Every so often you spin the dial to see if you get lucky. Costs nothing and it keeps you aware that he's interested.

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Helivesforme
It sounds like he enjoyed the attention you gave him, and yes, he probably wants to get you in bed.

 

As for whether he genuinely cares, we can't say, really. But let's imagine for the sake of argument that he did/does - what does that change for you?

 

I mean that as a sincere question. You are both still married to other people, so would finding out he really cares make a lot of difference as to your next step? You say you want to get rid of him, but are you saying that only because you are worried that he was just using you for an ego-boost and want to beat him to the punch? If you want him to scram, keep ignoring his attempts to engage on a personal level. He'll eventually get bored and stop.

 

Keep in mind that you might not be the only woman he's been flirting with, either. Cheating is familiar territory to him. He could well be the type that has a couple of women in his back pocket, so it's not a huge issue for him if you're shutting it down. In other words, he could have someone else that does sleep with him (apart from his wife, I mean) so it's no real skin off his back if he's not getting it from you.

If he did care I guess I wouldn't feel as stupid or like I wasted me time. No I want to stop talking to him because I don't want to sneak around and hide things anymore. Although my husband pushes me away , I would rather be unhappy then cheat. I used this OM as a distraction and he was able to lift my spirits when I felt down & hopeless. It was just something exciting and I never thought I would be talking to him 2 years later. I told him about 2 months ago that I needed time to heal and he said he thought we were cool. I said we are as long As he respects and understands my healing process. Since then hasn't texted me or called me but he came by my office quite frequently. He called the office to wish me a happy thanksgiving when he wasn't working. I didn't expect to hear from him for Christmas. He also thought I was lying about my healing process. He just doesn't get it because it seems like he's numb to his own feelings and emotions and he doesn't care if anyone at work knows he's after me. I started wanting to spend more time with him so I had to stop lowering my standards for this dude. I don't want anyone to get hurt including myself. So I recently blocked his google voice phone number. you're right, I've seen him being friendly , & joking with other females but one time I told him that it wasn't ok because he knows I like him & he should be more mindful. I don't expect him to be honest with me cause he's not even honest with had wife. I just thought he would feel some kinda shame like I do but it seems like he doesn't have any respect for himself or others. He drove by me in the parking lot a couple weeks ago and looked really excited to see me. He lights up N had a hige smile. I guess it made me happy to be able to make someone else happy cause my husband is always complaining and seems miserable. It was a nice change to see and hear that I made someone else happy.

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Helivesforme
It can be difficult for a man to find an OW, so once he finds a willing subject, he often doesn't want to let her go.

He can afford to wait however long it takes for sex as he has a wife at home and he may be cultivating other options too.

 

This is the world of extramarital sex not single dating.

At first I couldn't understand because I have never strayed and I wouldn't use someone for sex. He said hecares for me deeply but I saw it going nowhere and my feelings and emotions kept getting more intense. He would check in with me and one time he went on a vacation with his family and he texted me he was leaving the hose and then again that he arrived to the destination safely and then again when he returned home from

The trip. He would text me while he went to the store on his kids birthday party. He would call and text me while he was at work and I wasn't. He would text me while he was away on business trips. There hasn't been any picture exchanges or sexting. Things started getting a bit more intimate. Long embraces. Then of course kissing and touching. Im just wondering if this is Normal for a man that just wants sex.

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Helivesforme
From personal experience, I know what his game is. It's like trying to open a safe for which you have no combination. Every so often you spin the dial to see if you get lucky. Costs nothing and it keeps you aware that he's interested.

Seems like he invested a lot of time and energy though. He started acting pretty erratically. He would position himself in places where I would see him or run into him. Parking lot, hallway. Rumors even started at work that I was his "girl" and numerous people asked him if it was true. I called him and yelled and questioned him, I thought he was spreading the rumors, then he told me he didn't want any drama. So I told him this was a friendship or thing of convenience for him. I didn't have a problem calling him out at all I recently blocked him, Last time j spoke to him he tried joking and made some inside jokes. Seems like he's still trying to maintain a personal connection.

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At first I couldn't understand because I have never strayed and I wouldn't use someone for sex. He said hecares for me deeply but I saw it going nowhere and my feelings and emotions kept getting more intense. He would check in with me and one time he went on a vacation with his family and he texted me he was leaving the hose and then again that he arrived to the destination safely and then again when he returned home from

The trip. He would text me while he went to the store on his kids birthday party. He would call and text me while he was at work and I wasn't. He would text me while he was away on business trips. There hasn't been any picture exchanges or sexting. Things started getting a bit more intimate. Long embraces. Then of course kissing and touching. Im just wondering if this is Normal for a man that just wants sex.

 

 

Seems to be quite common.

He keeps you sweet, he gets what he wants in return.

 

MM need to keep in touch as basically he is smooching another woman. If he leaves you too much your own devices, and you start thinking, "This isn't worth it", he could lose you.

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Helivesforme

What exactly is he getting In return ? He had also said that I treat him like crap. That I keep pushing him away. He uses issues at home to reel me in, but it didn't work this last time. He said his wife had been hiding things from him. He also asked if we would talk later or if we would be talking again.

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ExpatInItaly
If he did care I guess I wouldn't feel as stupid or like I wasted me time.

 

This is what I don't understand. How is any of this not a waste of your time? You're getting your feelings caught up with something that has no future. Think of it as investing your hard-earned money in The Unicorn Protection Project - throwing away something you value (your emotional well-being) in a fantasy (a relationship with a married dude when you are married yourself)

 

In what way would an affair with him be worth your time? More than likely, it would still amount to nothing but pain for you when it reached its inevitable end. Very few married affair partners leave their marriages for each other, so I am curious what your end goal would have been to make it worth your while.

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If he did care I guess I wouldn't feel as stupid or like I wasted me time.

 

Huh? If he had deep feelings for you, that makes it all worthwhile?

 

Hate to be a buzzkill, but what about your spouse and kids and his wife and kids? Don't they matter?

 

Interesting how people willing to cheat are able to focus on their own needs to the exclusion of all others, including those they committed to.

 

Wake up...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Helivesforme

That's the thing. I never wanted to be with him, knowing he has cheated before and is cheating again. I just felt bad that if he did care for me and me just cutting him off was being selfish. I guess I'm thinking we can be friends maybe one day since he was there for me when I needed him

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Helivesforme
Huh? If he had deep feelings for you, that makes it all worthwhile?

 

Hate to be a buzzkill, but what about your spouse and kids and his wife and kids? Don't they matter?

 

Interesting how people willing to cheat are able to focus on their own needs to the exclusion of all others, including those they committed to.

 

Wake up...

 

Mr. Lucky

No, it wouldn't make it worthwhile but at least I'd know he wasn't a creep , it was 2 people that confused in one another during difficult times. I thought about our doused and kids often which is why we were nothing but platonic for the longest

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ExpatInItaly
No, it wouldn't make it worthwhile but at least I'd know he wasn't a creep , it was 2 people that confused in one another during difficult times. I thought about our doused and kids often which is why we were nothing but platonic for the longest

 

I hate to burst your bubble, but this guy does not strike me as a good man. He has cheated before and it seems as though he was gearing up to do it again. I don't know what your definition of a creep is, but he seems a close fit in my books.

 

More than anything, I am getting the sense that you want to believe that you are different somehow. Different from the woman (women?) he has cheated with before. Because you have feelings for him, you want him to have feelings for you too. Right?

 

Friendship with this type of person is not a good idea. He likely isn't interested in truly being friends anyway.

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At first I couldn't understand because I have never strayed and I wouldn't use someone for sex. He said hecares for me deeply but I saw it going nowhere and my feelings and emotions kept getting more intense. He would check in with me and one time he went on a vacation with his family and he texted me he was leaving the hose and then again that he arrived to the destination safely and then again when he returned home from

The trip. He would text me while he went to the store on his kids birthday party. He would call and text me while he was at work and I wasn't. He would text me while he was away on business trips. There hasn't been any picture exchanges or sexting. Things started getting a bit more intimate. Long embraces. Then of course kissing and touching. Im just wondering if this is Normal for a man that just wants sex.

 

 

Am I understanding you correctly that you've hugged and kissed him?

 

 

Madam, if this is the case then this isn't "friendship" and you know it. |

 

I will never understand why some women feel this need to portray themselves as someone just being innocently led down the garden path by some big, bad man. He didn't "lead"you anywhere beyond where you wanted to be, and you prove that by being so concerned about whether or not he has any feelings for you.

 

 

If you aren't interested in a relationship with him, why does it matter?

 

My advice to you is to stop blaming your husband or this other guy for your choices, accept responsibility for them and really, really look hard at your own actions. It will be very freeing to you to admit to yourself this didn't happen to you, it happened because of you. Once you do that, you will take back your power and control over the situation.

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I hate to burst your bubble, but this guy does not strike me as a good man. He has cheated before and it seems as though he was gearing up to do it again. I don't know what your definition of a creep is, but he seems a close fit in my books.

 

More than anything, I am getting the sense that you want to believe that you are different somehow. Different from the woman (women?) he has cheated with before. Because you have feelings for him, you want him to have feelings for you too. Right?

 

Friendship with this type of person is not a good idea. He likely isn't interested in truly being friends anyway.

 

 

I don't think the op is either. As the saying goes " methinks the lady doth protest too much". In other words, she can end the whole mess by walking away and telling him, in no uncertain terms, to leave her alone.

 

She's not doing that. She's looking for some wiggle room to excuse allowing him to remain in her life. The saddest part of all of this is that she's setting herself up for a world of hurt.

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Helivesforme
Am I understanding you correctly that you've hugged and kissed him?

 

 

Madam, if this is the case then this isn't "friendship" and you know it. |

 

I will never understand why some women feel this need to portray themselves as someone just being innocently led down the garden path by some big, bad man. He didn't "lead"you anywhere beyond where you wanted to be, and you prove that by being so concerned about whether or not he has any feelings for you.

 

 

If you aren't interested in a relationship with him, why does it matter?

 

My advice to you is to stop blaming your husband or this other guy for your choices, accept responsibility for them and really, really look hard at your own actions. It will be very freeing to you to admit to yourself this didn't happen to you, it happened because of you. Once you do that, you will take back your power and control over the situation.

Well I am different. I'm sure when people have affairs they have sex. I haven't. N it's been 2 years of this nonsense that I have allowed. I take responsibility. Again. I realize I was vulnerable & in a deep fog in which this OM made me feel alive.. since I was numb. I did exhaust all options. If you look at my post from a couple years back and will see how long it took me to get where I am today. youre right that it doesn't matter, it just Doesn't help that I have to see him still and when I do he will ask how my Christmas was or how I'm doing. I can't blow him off completely because he is my superior and I don't want to make my life hell at work.

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Helivesforme
Am I understanding you correctly that you've hugged and kissed him?

 

 

Madam, if this is the case then this isn't "friendship" and you know it. |

 

I will never understand why some women feel this need to portray themselves as someone just being innocently led down the garden path by some big, bad man. He didn't "lead"you anywhere beyond where you wanted to be, and you prove that by being so concerned about whether or not he has any feelings for you.

 

 

If you aren't interested in a relationship with him, why does it matter?

 

My advice to you is to stop blaming your husband or this other guy for your choices, accept responsibility for them and really, really look hard at your own actions. It will be very freeing to you to admit to yourself this didn't happen to you, it happened because of you. Once you do that, you will take back your power and control over the situation.

Actually madam. I wasn't innocently led down a garden but I do lack relationship experience. I told him that I wasn't interested in having an affair and he played like he was ok with it. he would ask me if him being around all this time meant anything or proved that he wasn't in it just to get his way. When things didn't feel right I would stop talking to

Him but he would find an excuse to talk to me & I thought and told myself there was no harm in just talking to him especially since I was trying to distract myself from work issues ' hell at home. I decided to redirect my energy on my marriage. Problem is my issues at home aren't being resolved either because my DH refuses to take responsibility for his actions. This is the first time I blocked this OM phone number. This is the first time I see him as somewhat of a creep. I know I won't allow him back into my life. But he will try

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What about your husband? Do you have any intentions of fixing the problem?

 

The man is leading you on and playing you for a fool and I think you know this. Like you he enjoys the attention, or rather, the excitement that is different from the every day life that occurs at home.

 

You need to focus on home first and use this 'fake relationship' with this guy as a justification for doing so.

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After one year of talking/texting and some hugs here and there. No physical contact. We ended up kissing. We have not had any sex.

 

You're either naive or in denial. Kissing another man is physical contact and cheating on your marriage. And an emotional affair can be just as damaging as a physical one.

 

So you can stop saying "I haven't cheated, it's not an affair because we haven't had sex". You've been unfaithful to your marriage, the question now is where do you go from here?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Helivesforme
What about your husband? Do you have any intentions of fixing the problem?

 

The man is leading you on and playing you for a fool and I think you know this. Like you he enjoys the attention, or rather, the excitement that is different from the every day life that occurs at home.

 

You need to focus on home first and use this 'fake relationship' with this guy as a justification for doing so.

This has been an ongoing struggle. A power control struggle and it seems I dough comfort from the OM because my husband was blaming me. We kinda grew apart. We don't share the same views. I do regret lowering my standards and losing sight of my priorities. I reveled by doing what my husband was accusing me of doing when I wasn't doing it to begin with.

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Helivesforme
You're either naive or in denial. Kissing another man is physical contact and cheating on your marriage. And an emotional affair can be just as damaging as a physical one.

 

So you can stop saying "I haven't cheated, it's not an affair because we haven't had sex". You've been unfaithful to your marriage, the question now is where do you go from here?

 

Mr. Lucky

Yes you're right. I was unfaithful. I blocked the OM although he has no idea and he still tries to come around and talk to me.,my plan is to have minimal

Contact with him. To try to avoid him if I can and not acknowledge him if I don't have to. I have to keep it professional at work. I identified some of the issues at home with my husband , problem is he will not take ownership for his actions. He wants to place the blame on me all the time.

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ExpatInItaly

OP, let me ask you this:

 

What are you going to do if this man comes to you and actually does ask you out?

 

What are you going to do if you do cave, have sex, and then he drops off your radar?

 

What are you going to do if you slip and your husband finds out you're cheating?

 

Please don't dismiss the above with an "oh, that will never happen." Your resolve isn't very strong, as I'm reading it, and I am getting the sense that if this dope says all the right words, you'll buy into it and concede.

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