Married, Affair, Pregnancy

[PerfectJab]

I'm typing this because I feel I have nowhere else to turn and somehow I am hoping to gain support and encouragement. I am aware that I don't have to be so detailed when writing this but I hope that the more I express myself, the better I will feel in the long run.

 

We dated for only 5 months before we got married. I am a born in Canada and she was born in Korea. Part of the reason we got married so early is because her permanent residency was expiring and we couldn't stand the thought of being apart. I could see the stress she was facing and I wanted to take that away from her. In my eyes at that time, she was flawless and just a genuinely sweet person. One night while she was talking about her stress I took the plunge after waiting 38 years for 'the one' and asked her to marry me. It was rushed given the situation but I tried my best to make it as natural as possible so I looked for an engagement ring and ultimately asked her 'will you marry me?' again in a more natural and planned setting.

 

We were both very happy.

 

Fast forward 3 months into our happy marriage she was going to go to school but was offered a job as an executive assistant by a man that used to date one of her friends. The man had told her, "why waste your time with school? Come work for me." The job seemed too good to be true, he would lend her the company car and paid a reasonable 60k given her lack of Canadian experience. At that time as a new immigrant her job options were limited given the language barrier. This man was 14 years her senior and was married so I really thought nothing of it. In fact I was supportive of her as it gave her confidence. I was thankful that the man was giving her a chance. This being said, there were some drawbacks.

 

During her tenure at this company she would come home late 4 times a week on average anywhere between 8-10 pm. If it wasn't too late, sometimes we would eat dinner together but 75 percent of the time she would have to attend another conference call at 11 pm until 12-1am as the company had an office is China. This was the case as well on weekends and statutory holidays! As the man is a Canadian citizen of Korean descent, over time I thought the man was taking advantage of her but I kept it to myself.

 

My wife felt obligated to work whenever required despite the provincial workplace rules as she really had no leverage. The fact that her boss had hired her when technically she was not legally able to work in the country, which was later rectified when the paperwork for sponsorship went through, she felt she owed the company everything. Thinking about it now, I wonder why he never offered to support her with a workplace Visa?

 

After having to accommodate her work schedule on statutory holidays I finally expressed my concerns and she would tell me that she was doing it for our future. The man had told tell her that someday he would pass over the company to her and that she would get a raise that would double her salary in the future. I was skeptical but continued to support her.

 

To compensate for her absence I started to do things on my own to get the issue off my mind. I felt like I needed to do this in order to downplay the fact that she was never around and was revolving my schedule around when she was available. She would blame me for this expecting me to be more present during the time that she did have. Despite all this, we were still very close. We had so many wonderful moments together, both good and bad and had a miscarriage that we supported each other through. Just typing this truly hurts as I care for her and cherish these moments so much even knowing what was yet to come.

 

A year after we got married in Canada we went to Korea to have a wedding ceremony with her family. My wife hadn't gone on vacation for over a year but her boss 'allowed' her to take some time off during the wedding ceremony as long as she attended the conference calls and tended to some administrative tasks. When we got back home 2 weeks later she went on a business trip for 1 week with her boss and some colleagues.

 

When she came back from the business trip I saw a preview message pop up on her ipad with her boss expressing her love for her. Expressing how he never loved anyone more than her and that she was always on her mind. I was obviously upset and confronted her about it. Thing is at that time I thought it was all him. I think no man wants to believe that their wife is straying both in an emotional or physical sense. She later admitted to me that she had told her she loved him as well but nothing physical had happened. We got through it, she quit the job and I forgave her and let hew know that I would support the family and even pay for her school so that she could regain her confidence. I felt that she had what it takes, that she just needed to be patient. No way was I going to let my wife be taken advantage of again as I wanted her to have the confidence to make decisions on her own terms, not be at the mercy of one person, one company dangling a carrot over head making her feel that it was the only option to be successful in the country.

 

I told my wife to relax and figure out what she wanted to do with her life. I knew it was going to be a tough time for her so I tried my best to be as attentive as possible. Showing my support, expressing affection and doing whatever I could to help around the house. Then one day, about 1 and half months after she quit her job she got a phone call from her brother.

 

Her mother had fainted due to low blood pressure onto the floor at her workplace. My wife quickly flew back to Korea to take care of her mom. She was there for around a month and we continued to communicate with each other. What I didn't know was that she was feeling stressed about how she was going to secretly continue to support her parents with 1k a month. Now I say secret because never told me until the terrible events I will discuss later. I told her that it was something she could have told me and her response was "would you have married me if you knew this was the case?" This gets me upset as the answer would have been yes.

 

During her trip our condo's lease was expiring so I had to find a new place for both of us to live. On the second day after moving and just 1 week after she had arrived back from Korea she told me she had cheated on me with her old boss. That she had met up with him with the intention of getting her old job back on the final day of her stay. To add to this she had visited a doctor the day before and had confirmed that she was pregnant. She told me that she couldn't stay with me and that she would be moving to Korea indefinitely.

 

We kept in contact. We agreed that we would take a DNA test and I made it clear that of the baby was mine I could forgive what had happened and have a normal life with her. Not to worry about any of the finances as I would take care of it and support her and our child. On the flip side I told her that I didn't have it in me to accept it if the child was not mine. I can tell you, when you love someone and don't know who's baby she is pregnant with while trying to keep her emotions safe, while trying to express your emotions in a productive manner is hell! I wish this on no one.

 

Fast forward 3 weeks and the DNA test proved that I was not the father. I really didn't want to but she kept insisting that I fly down to Korea for Christmas so I wouldn't be alone. Against my better judgement I did. We stayed together for 9 days and it was truly magical and an emotional roller coaster at the same time. On the 2nd day she told me she was going to get an abortion and on the next day she changed her mind as she felt too guilty about it. When I left her at the airport it was the most emotional thing ever. As her parents are not exactly rich and my wife had told me that they had never gone to a fine dining restaurant before, I pre-paid for their dinner so that they could eat at one for the first time as my way of saying thanks. Everything is slipping away...

 

Here I am 4:10am in the morning on a Sunday writing this... I don't know what to do and don't understand why I still love my wife so much despite all that has happened. I feel pathetic, terrible. My friends tell me I am still young, attractive and have a decent job so I shouldn't have a problem finding another yet all I want to be is with her. I am fully aware of how pathetic I seem, but it is how I am feeling at the moment. Need to keep moving on, it's just so hard as I feel like I am getting punished for something that I have done..

Edited January 6, 2019 by PerfectJab

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry for the grief you are feeling. It will take time to move past this, just be kind to yourself.

 

I hate to say it, but I really think you dodged a bullet here. In time, perhaps you will come to see it that way too.

[PerfectJab]

Thanks Bailey, I appreciate the kind words.

[salparadise]

It's okay that you feel the way you feel. It's a huge loss, a loss of the person you love and the hope for the future. The betrayal make it even worse, as opposed to stopping you from feeling anything for her as one might assume. So give yourself permission to grieve your loss and suffer the broken heart without any shame. You did nothing wrong, you took a risk with the best intentions and you lost. The fact that you have such feelings for her after all that has happened validates your ability to open your heart to love and sustain it. You will recover but it takes time, maybe a lot of time. Embrace the process knowing that how you feel is temporary and one day you'll be ready to love again.

 

I'm almost hesitant to say this, but the silver lining here may just be that the baby was not yours. This allows you to be free and move on with your life. If it had been yours you would've been connected by the child to an unfaithful woman who would probably make you miserable for decades, or your entire life. This way you get the opportunity to start over when you're ready.

 

I'm sorry for the pain and sadness you're going through. I only have a vague idea of how hard it must be, but I know it shakes you to the core. Grieve your loss and then look to the future when the time is right. All the best to you.

[Marc878]

Your only mistake in this is not cutting her off immediately. Time and no contact is your only option.

 

You'll be fine. What you don't see at this moment is your wife's a very typical cheater. Nothing special at all it's just that it happened to you.

 

Luckily it happened early and you won't be stuck like some who've been married for 10-20 years with kids in the mix.

[Mr. Lucky]

Need to keep moving on, it's just so hard as I feel like I am getting punished for something that I have done..

 

Hate to be a cynic but nature of your quick relationship, engagement and marriage at least raises the question that legal immigration was her end game all along. Not that she planned from Day 1 to cheat on you, but her approach was to get legal status and then figure things out from there. Commitment to you was not the driving force.

 

Agree with Sal, you dodged a bullet here as you could have been in exactly the same heartbroken place but saddled with decades of child support and very little contact. Time to lean on friends and family and take the next steps with your life.

 

PerfectJab, this too will pass. Keep your head up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TaserTag]

Agree with what others have already posted.

 

I know that it probably does not seem like it now, but you are lucky that the baby is not yours and that you have a chance to find someone who really loves you and wants to build a life with you. You are lucky that you will not have to continue to support a cheating woman who does not love or value you as a person.

 

It doesn't seem like your wife will be capable of moving away from money as her main motivation in life, so you will never be able to trust her, because she will always be looking for the man who can provide her with more money, not love. It seems like she was using you as the first stepping stone into the country and access to more money, and her boss was step 2. I do feel sorry for your wife, because she is trapped in that mindset and that world, using her body to make money, but it's clear that she will not make for a trustworthy partner for you. No matter how much you give her, you will always come second to anyone else who she believes could provide her with more money and financial stability. That is a scary thing to have to live with.

 

You are an incredibly kind and understanding person to have supported her and her parents as much as you already have.

 

I'm confused by you saying that you had to marry her because her permanent residency was expiring. If she was already a permanent resident, then she would not need to get married to stay in the country at all. She would just have to basically send in an application saying that she is still living in the country, provide her address, and request a renewal, as a resident of Canada.

 

I am a Canadian permanent resident myself, originally from the US. My now-husband is a Canadian citizen. We got (horrible) advice from people when we first started dating, saying we should get married to make my immigration easier. It's a lie that marriage makes immigration or life in general any easier. My husband and I spent years together with myself on visitor and student visas before I applied for permanent residency, and I got my PR status before we were married as well. I am strongly against rushing into marriage in general, but it makes me sad when people rush into marriage for immigration reasons and you really did not have to...

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, would she be so accepting and forgiving as you?

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes.

I would strongly suggest getting tested for STD's. She comes across as a typical cheater. She clearly showed that she has very little respect for you whatsoever. If you do respect yourself then who will?

[Simple Logic]

I think your wife is good at playing you and her boss.

[PerfectJab]

It's okay that you feel the way you feel. It's a huge loss, a loss of the person you love and the hope for the future. The betrayal make it even worse, as opposed to stopping you from feeling anything for her as one might assume. So give yourself permission to grieve your loss and suffer the broken heart without any shame. You did nothing wrong, you took a risk with the best intentions and you lost. The fact that you have such feelings for her after all that has happened validates your ability to open your heart to love and sustain it. You will recover but it takes time, maybe a lot of time. Embrace the process knowing that how you feel is temporary and one day you'll be ready to love again.

 

I'm almost hesitant to say this, but the silver lining here may just be that the baby was not yours. This allows you to be free and move on with your life. If it had been yours you would've been connected by the child to an unfaithful woman who would probably make you miserable for decades, or your entire life. This way you get the opportunity to start over when you're ready.

 

I'm sorry for the pain and sadness you're going through. I only have a vague idea of how hard it must be, but I know it shakes you to the core. Grieve your loss and then look to the future when the time is right. All the best to you.

 

Thanks so much! You sound like you've had your fair share of experiences, your feedback from the outside looking in helps a lot.

 

Funny thing is, I wanted the baby to be mine. In time I got over the cheating and took it as a one off mistake. It's difficult for me to look at things so black and white. Yes, the chances of it repeating are higher relative to if it had never happened, but it's difficult for me not to give her the benefit of the doubt given my love for her.

[PerfectJab]

Your only mistake in this is not cutting her off immediately. Time and no contact is your only option.

 

You'll be fine. What you don't see at this moment is your wife's a very typical cheater. Nothing special at all it's just that it happened to you.

 

Luckily it happened early and you won't be stuck like some who've been married for 10-20 years with kids in the mix.

 

 

That is provided that things are miserable 10-20 years down the line. You don't think there's a chance of reconciliation? What do you mean by 'typical cheater'?

[PerfectJab]

Hate to be a cynic but nature of your quick relationship, engagement and marriage at least raises the question that legal immigration was her end game all along. Not that she planned from Day 1 to cheat on you, but her approach was to get legal status and then figure things out from there. Commitment to you was not the driving force.

 

Agree with Sal, you dodged a bullet here as you could have been in exactly the same heartbroken place but saddled with decades of child support and very little contact. Time to lean on friends and family and take the next steps with your life.

 

PerfectJab, this too will pass. Keep your head up...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Very interesting comment. I thought about the immigration thing before but now how you itemized it. She has a tendency to get stressed out easily and when she does she focuses on the present vs looking at the big picture future.

[PerfectJab]

Agree with what others have already posted.

 

It doesn't seem like your wife will be capable of moving away from money as her main motivation in life, so you will never be able to trust her, because she will always be looking for the man who can provide her with more money, not love. It seems like she was using you as the first stepping stone into the country and access to more money, and her boss was step 2. I do feel sorry for your wife, because she is trapped in that mindset and that world, using her body to make money, but it's clear that she will not make for a trustworthy partner for you. No matter how much you give her, you will always come second to anyone else who she believes could provide her with more money and financial stability. That is a scary thing to have to live with.

 

You are an incredibly kind and understanding person to have supported her and her parents as much as you already have.

 

I'm confused by you saying that you had to marry her because her permanent residency was expiring. If she was already a permanent resident, then she would not need to get married to stay in the country at all. She would just have to basically send in an application saying that she is still living in the country, provide her address, and request a renewal, as a resident of Canada.

 

I am a Canadian permanent resident myself, originally from the US. My now-husband is a Canadian citizen. We got (horrible) advice from people when we first started dating, saying we should get married to make my immigration easier. It's a lie that marriage makes immigration or life in general any easier. My husband and I spent years together with myself on visitor and student visas before I applied for permanent residency, and I got my PR status before we were married as well. I am strongly against rushing into marriage in general, but it makes me sad when people rush into marriage for immigration reasons and you really did not have to...

 

I don't know, you could be right but I don't see her that way. She's very down to earth and doesn't expect anything material from me. In fact she's extremely giving in some ways. When she had asked me to come to Korea, she had already paid for the flight and accommodations.

 

You are right, it was a student Visa, not a PR card. Like you I got similar advice. Was your husband a citizen the time you got your PR card? Did anyone sponsor you?

[PerfectJab]

If the roles were reversed, would she be so accepting and forgiving as you?

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes.

I would strongly suggest getting tested for STD's. She comes across as a typical cheater. She clearly showed that she has very little respect for you whatsoever. If you do respect yourself then who will?

 

She was actually surprised I didn't cut her off completely and made it clear she would have done the same. Believe it or not while we were waiting for the DNA the fact that I hadn't was a driving force into believing that it could work.

 

The STD thing really upset me but when talking to her she didn't seem cognizant of how serious it was. I think there's a different mentality when it comes to STD's in Asia. The education when it comes to this kind of stuff is poor and almost taboo.

[Adotta]

She slept with a man for a job..... cringe worthy.

 

 

 

Now recover her emails and texts and I am sure you will get the actual story.

 

 

There is another layer to this you may not understand. In Asian culture a woman divorced is a failure. In the eyes of everyone. ESPECIALLY her parents. A divorced cheating woman pregnant by a man who isn't her husband...... well.... that's grounds for everyone spitting on and disowning her. Parents included.

 

 

Part of her reason for still "wanting" you is probably no doubt tied into that. Saving face is huge in Asian culture. Dishonoring your family and being seen as a loose woman is a death blow. I'm guessing she has begged you not to inform anyone her parents being top of the list of people who she doesn't want to know. Maybe you should tell her you are informing her parents. Wanna guess how she will react?

 

 

Take that in.

 

 

Also... are you really going to raise some other dudes kid? And if you are ..... Why does she need to work for HIM if So? Child support from this rich guy should help immensely with keeping things together. Don't put your name on the birth cert. If you do you could be on the hook forever. I can't believe she expects you to saise another man's child. That's sickening. She feels Guilty because she doesn't want to kill her "true love's" child. Not because of morals. I doubt she has many morals.

 

 

 

Buddy. Take a look at her texts. All of them. ESPECIALLY the deleted ones. I'm sure they paint a different picture than her words. He gave her 60 grand a year and company assets because he had a crush? BULL****. something was already happening. He was already tasting the honey. The job was payment. Or a "gift".

 

 

Look up codependent people. You may be one. Get a councilor. You definantly need one.

 

 

 

The easiest road and safest road out of this pain is to leave her and never look back. That choice means you suffer some heart break and loneliness for a while. You will eventually recover. Given time and some inner strength.

 

 

 

Second option is stick it out. The likelihood of her doing this again is higher than you think. 5 10 20 years down the line you could learn she has had a massive string of affairs. All those years of your life.... wasted. Prime years. Never getting those back. And even if she never cheats again... You will never trust her again. Every time you look at her or that baby you will feel that betrayal all over. Every time she is not present beside you .... You will wonder.

 

 

 

You have to admit buddy that you don't really know who she is or what she is capable off. She has already lied a lot. She has already betrayed you completely. WHY GIVE HER MORE CHANCES TO STAB YOU IN THE BACK? WHY DOUBLE DOWN AGAIN AND AGAIN ON A BET YOU KEEP DAMN LOSING!!!??? SHE ISN'T THE ONLY OPTION AVAILABLE!!!!

 

 

Cut your loses. Move on.you deserve better and you don't lose nearly as much as you think if you leave now. Your brain chemistry is telling you you can't live without her. Not your heart. I'm pretty sure you might have a bit of the savior mentality going on right now as well. YOU CAN'T SAVE HER. She can only save herself. From herself.

 

 

 

Most of all if you stay, she should be required to show her deleted texts. Go to IC. Answer every question. And depending on you thoughts get an abortion. I would damn well make her get an abortion but that me. I refuse to raise another man's progeny. **** that.

 

 

Also... is this guy married? In a relationship? Don't believe her word on that. If so inform his SO. Today. If she doesn't agree it shows you who she is interested in protecting.

Edited January 7, 2019 by Adotta

[Jamess1]

Very tactiful, she is player and she is very good, and that makes her very dangerous.... she manipulated you to merry her, in a class A act, she didn't have to tell you what to do and yet she knew exactly what she wanted from you and got it...played her boss and got her to offer her a big job, she plays the game very well and she does even need to wear a mini-skirt..

 

I am a womanizer, and your wife is female version of me, everything is calculated...she has never loved you, she never loved her boss, everything is a strategy...very manipulative

 

Now listen, to me young man - you need to think like her, get rid of your emotions and mindset - were you there when she did her pregnancy test ? Are you sure she is pregnant ? She lied to you about something, she might have lied about getting pregnant or she lied about you not being the father - she wants to get rid of you, so she lied to you that the baby wasn't yours...she doesn't care who the father is, she was deciding which man to be with, and she chose the other guy, and had to tell you the baby isn't yours - she is lying.

 

Are sure this woman is pregnant ? Everything is planned, I doubt it..don't trust her --she feels nothing, and you are the blinded, you are been played, just know the end plan..

 

Remember this post when the day comes...

[PerfectJab]

She slept with a man for a job..... cringe worthy.

 

 

There is another layer to this you may not understand. In Asian culture a woman divorced is a failure. In the eyes of everyone. ESPECIALLY her parents. A divorced cheating woman pregnant by a man who isn't her husband...... well.... that's grounds for everyone spitting on and disowning her. Parents included.

 

 

Part of her reason for still "wanting" you is probably no doubt tied into that. Saving face is huge in Asian culture. Dishonoring your family and being seen as a loose woman is a death blow. I'm guessing she has begged you not to inform anyone her parents being top of the list of people who she doesn't want to know. Maybe you should tell her you are informing her parents. Wanna guess how she will react?

 

 

Take that in.

 

 

Also... are you really going to raise some other dudes kid? And if you are ..... Why does she need to work for HIM if So? Child support from this rich guy should help immensely with keeping things together. Don't put your name on the birth cert. If you do you could be on the hook forever. I can't believe she expects you to saise another man's child. That's sickening. She feels Guilty because she doesn't want to kill her "true love's" child. Not because of morals. I doubt she has many morals.

 

 

 

Buddy. Take a look at her texts. All of them. ESPECIALLY the deleted ones. I'm sure they paint a different picture than her words. He gave her 60 grand a year and company assets because he had a crush? BULL****. something was already happening. He was already tasting the honey. The job was payment. Or a "gift".

 

 

Look up codependent people. You may be one. Get a councilor. You definantly need one.

 

 

 

The easiest road and safest road out of this pain is to leave her and never look back. That choice means you suffer some heart break and loneliness for a while. You will eventually recover. Given time and some inner strength.

 

 

 

Second option is stick it out. The likelihood of her doing this again is higher than you think. 5 10 20 years down the line you could learn she has had a massive string of affairs. All those years of your life.... wasted. Prime years. Never getting those back. And even if she never cheats again... You will never trust her again. Every time you look at her or that baby you will feel that betrayal all over. Every time she is not present beside you .... You will wonder.

 

 

 

You have to admit buddy that you don't really know who she is or what she is capable off. She has already lied a lot. She has already betrayed you completely. WHY GIVE HER MORE CHANCES TO STAB YOU IN THE BACK? WHY DOUBLE DOWN AGAIN AND AGAIN ON A BET YOU KEEP DAMN LOSING!!!??? SHE ISN'T THE ONLY OPTION AVAILABLE!!!!

 

 

Cut your loses. Move on.you deserve better and you don't lose nearly as much as you think if you leave now. Your brain chemistry is telling you you can't live without her. Not your heart. I'm pretty sure you might have a bit of the savior mentality going on right now as well. YOU CAN'T SAVE HER. She can only save herself. From herself.

 

 

 

Most of all if you stay, she should be required to show her deleted texts. Go to IC. Answer every question. And depending on you thoughts get an abortion. I would damn well make her get an abortion but that me. I refuse to raise another man's progeny. **** that.

 

 

Also... is this guy married? In a relationship? Don't believe her word on that. If so inform his SO. Today. If she doesn't agree it shows you who she is interested in protecting.

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond and voice your opinions. The man was married and recently divorced for the 2nd time. He has another baby mother outside of these two. He got the other woman impregnated on the supposed consent from his 2nd ex wife who couldn't get pregnant because he wanted to give his mother a grandchild. The guy is selfish. When I had the chance to confront him I really gave him a piece of my mind. He regularly hires younger women and men with lack of Canadian experience for the purpose of exploiting them in the long run for less money and working them like dogs. In fact the person he hired to replace my wife has similar credentials as my wife. The guy is like a manipulative pimp, where he hires Asians with poor English skills making them believe that he is doing them a favor for hiring them and in return they give him his loyalty. As you seem to have knowledge of Asian culture you probably know about the dynamic between boss and employee. There are individuals in his company that pay HIM to work in his company so that they can stay in the country. Believe me, the guy knows what he is doing and I truly believe he manipulated my wife. Again, I am NOT downplaying what she did only that he made it more likely.

 

I have to agree with you, there are probably some external factors that play into her wanting to try but I'd be lying if I told you they don't effect me as well. My personal belief is that divorce should be the last resort and only when you are sure there will be no regrets. I have doubts about my regrets which is why I am continuing to try. I guess I have high tolerance... Speaking of tolerance, the deal breaker for me is if she had his kid, I made it very clear to her that if she had his kid we'd be done and just recently she performed an abortion. DNA test did in fact prove the child was not mine and that she was pregnant. I saw the results and mailed the swabs to the lab directly.

 

Here's the thing, I get what you are saying about respecting myself but the problem is I actually believe that she won't do this again! If I didn't believe this there is no way I would want to stay with her. This being said I am cognizant of the fact that the emotional affair leading to a physical one is a pattern and not a one-time mistake. Like many threads I have read on here she drank with him and one thing led to another. My question to her was why are you drinking to that point with another man to begin with? Why did you meet up with him again knowing that you quit the job initially because of the emotional affair? Where was I in your head when you made this decision? My rationalization which she later confirm was that she was desperate and had no other choice but to ask for her job back in order to pay her portion of the rent and support her parents. None of this was communicated to me, I didn't know she was stressing about this. The physical portion she made no excuses and told me that she is a terrible woman and never once justified her behavior by telling me what I did wrong that led up to it. She agreed that she can be "too nice" to other men which could lead them on and that she needed to change and that drinking with another man is not something that should ever be crossed again.

 

As you can see our communication has been terrible and there was a lot of understanding provided from the conversations we've had since the event. Treading carefully...

[S2B]

I think your wife is good at playing you and her boss.

 

She’s an opportunist.

 

Be glad you can get rid of her!

[Marc878]

That is provided that things are miserable 10-20 years down the line. You don't think there's a chance of reconciliation? What do you mean by 'typical cheater'?

 

Your life fee is what you make it. I've seen may who D find better and have a great life. You just have to watch your picker

 

There's always a chance of R but only if the wayward is remorseful and willing to do the work to fix themselves. The capability to cheat is there and always will be. Its who they are.

 

Typical cheater. Lie, huddled deny. Workplace affairs are common. With the boss or even a coworker. They happen all the time. This is just one of many. Nothing special here exept It's happened to you.

[TaserTag]

You are right, it was a student Visa, not a PR card. Like you I got similar advice. Was your husband a citizen the time you got your PR card? Did anyone sponsor you?

 

My husband was born and raised in Ontario, so he is a citizen. I lived with him throughout my visitor & student visas, and then he sponsored me for the permanent residency, but that was after we had already been living together for years, and I have always had my own income and paid for my half of our home, bills, and everything. He agreed to be financially liable for me for 2 years as a formality, after receiving the permanent residency, and now I am just here on my own accord and the renewals are much simpler. He's no longer my sponsor. Now I basically just pay the renewal fee when my card is close to expiring and that is that.

 

Does your wife have her own income and savings (other than the weird arrangements with her shady boss / lover)? Is she even coming back to Canada, or are you thinking of moving by her parents in Korea?

 

I do still think that it is a really bad sign that your wife was sleeping with her boss for what is essentially monetary favors and promotions. That shows someone very easily manipulated and who does not mind using their body to manipulate others for money, and there will always be a sleazy guy who is ready to exploit that somewhere. It's also a bad sign that she didn't think to use protection at all and it had to come down to getting an abortion to keep you. All of that seems very careless and callous to me.

 

Also, you mentioned that she felt guilty and refused to get an abortion earlier... I would be prepared for her to resent you for that for the rest of your lives. That's something very heavy for you both to go through in a new marriage that already has so many other problems.

 

Have you only known each other for a year and a half now? That was what I gathered from your original posted timeline. If you have only been together for a year & a half and your wife has already strayed, had a huge workplace love affair, and gotten pregnant by another man... I really don't think that you should be offering a second chance here. I think that you have already decided to give her another chance rather than risk being alone, though, and you probably should not at all. I wouldn't trust her again. Good luck to you if you do.

[major_merrick]

Raising another man's progeny when your wife cheated is about the most pathetic, beta, cuckold thing you can do. What you should do - cut the cord! That's your only option. Get rid of her...and best of all, find a way to get back at them both. Believe me, only that can make you feel better and help you get your confidence back.

[PerfectJab]

You have very good intuition and are very detailed oriented! I just hope that some of your thoughts do not translate into reality.

 

Does your wife have her own income and savings (other than the weird arrangements with her shady boss / lover)? Is she even coming back to Canada, or are you thinking of moving by her parents in Korea?

 

I was reckless on the first 3 days after she left for Korea and forwarded the OM's staff as well as his top client a back and forth email I had with him where he admitted to what he had done. Thinking back I was selfish (to my wife) in doing so but I didn't want her to work there any more and I wanted to shame the OM. The man had offered my wife a part time job that she took and quit after she found out what I did. Yes, it was messed up that she took the job which I think was channeled by her desperation. Her initial plan was to continue paying her portion of the rent and even asked me for my bank account to do so. Since then she has cut off ties with the OM and has told me that it was fake love. I am pretty sure that OM feels the same way no doubt amplified by the trouble that I caused as his company is very much his first priority. Her plan was always to come back to Canada.

 

 

I do still think that it is a really bad sign that your wife was sleeping with her boss for what is essentially monetary favors and promotions. That shows someone very easily manipulated and who does not mind using their body to manipulate others for money, and there will always be a sleazy guy who is ready to exploit that somewhere. It's also a bad sign that she didn't think to use protection at all and it had to come down to getting an abortion to keep you. All of that seems very careless and callous to me.

 

Absolutely and a part of me feels like I want to protect her because I know I am not the type of guy to take advantage and manipulate her. All this knowing that it could potentially bring me down given that I am very calculated when it comes to my decision making. When it comes to love I am an idiot. I am very aware that her past behavior point to signs that don't work in our favor but I have faith that we can make it work. I still have faith in her.

 

Also, you mentioned that she felt guilty and refused to get an abortion earlier... I would be prepared for her to resent you for that for the rest of your lives. That's something very heavy for you both to go through in a new marriage that already has so many other problems.

 

Literally 1 hour after I started this thread I called her to talk about divorce. I truly believed she was going to have his baby but her parents pushed her to have an abortion. As I type this now she is recovering. I haven't spoken to her since then but I feel extremely guilty now. The fact that she is going through that pain really bothers me. I am extremely worried about her.

 

I thought about the possibility of resentment and could very well be the case. At this time I really don't know what I will do if it comes down to that I just know that I am willing to give it my all. If it comes down to that, things will naturally progress to what needs to be done.

 

Have you only known each other for a year and a half now? That was what I gathered from your original posted timeline.

 

We've known each other for two and a half years. Everything happened so quickly and the initial love was based on the enchantment stage. I knew that there would be obstacles because what kind of marriage doesn't? Just never though the struggle would be so messed up!

[S2B]

Why are YOU feeling so responsible for your wife’s bad behavior?

 

Why do you feel responsible for what SHE has done?

 

You have things backwards!

 

SHE did this! All of it’s on HER!

 

You reacted to her bad behavior - and that’s appropriate.

 

Stop feeling sorry for her! She’s using you. She uses men not just you! She also allows men to use her for opportunities.

 

There’s a common word for women like that - it begins with w

 

 

Get help from a counselor. You shouldn’t be feeling sorry for her ONE bit! She’s been lying and manipulating several men!

 

 

I am a woman... and her behavior represents women poorly!

 

 

Get as far away from her as possible. Get help with your denial and codependency.

[PerfectJab]

Why are YOU feeling so responsible for your wife’s bad behavior?

 

Why do you feel responsible for what SHE has done?

 

You have things backwards!

 

SHE did this! All of it’s on HER!

 

You reacted to her bad behavior - and that’s appropriate.

 

Stop feeling sorry for her! She’s using you. She uses men not just you! She also allows men to use her for opportunities.

 

There’s a common word for women like that - it begins with w

 

 

Get as far away from her as possible. Get help with your denial and codependency.

 

I never classified my behavior as such, I always looked at my actions as being an empathetic person. You could be right and will definitely look into said codependency as it seems to filter through negatively to other aspects in life.

 

I had a tough childhood, got involved with the wrong people when I was younger so whenever a person shows love it is a drug that I crave that differs from what I am used to. Thinking back I was aggressive and selfish and it could be that I am trying to overcompensate for who I was. I became well educated, got a decent job, all things that typically don't happen to people with my past. Within this journey kind hearted people had faith in me so perhaps I am trying to reciprocate in fear that If I don't I will go back to the person that I was. Perhaps the balance of said behavior is out of sync.

 

Do you know anyone that benefited from treatment for codependency? It seems like the treatment is catered towards changing perspective vs a chemical imbalance so I wonder how effective it would be as experiences shape personality and who's to say one's personality is bad?

[Mr. Lucky]

and who's to say one's personality is bad?

 

It's not whether a specific trait is "bad" but more a question of whether it benefits you in the long run. Pretty obvious that letting people take advantage of you isn't a healthy approach, regardless of your intentions. People willing to be used tend to attract people willing to use them...

 

Mr. Lucky