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Married but obsessed with another much younger woman


josephlin101

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josephlin101

I guess I just need to talk to someone about this.

 

I’m a married man for 20+ years, 2 children in college. I’ve been in contact with a single woman 24 years younger than I am through emails for about a year (she used to work under me for a brief period of time before moving away). For the past couple months, my feeling toward her for some reason has grown like wildfire despite my hardest effort to not let it out of control. I absolutely don’t want to hurt my wife—we promised to grow old together. But now all I can think of, every single minute, is her. This obsession is so painful, it’s like tearing off my chest and eating into my heart.

 

She said our friendship is very important to her; she’s never had a friend like me, I believe I’m the closest friend she’s ever had. However, I don’t believe she’s attracted to me romantically.

 

I know my obsession is wrong and can potentially hurt a lot of people. So I admitted to her that I’m selfish and would love to have all her attention, but because I care about her and her well-being, she should go out and get to know some nice men. I also admitted talking about this made me unhappy, but it’s for her good. When I said that my heart ached.

 

Now, every minute is a torture. I’m expecting her message or email every second, though I know perfectly she might not respond for many days, even a month or two. I don’t know if I can survive another minute. But I guess I just have to. So many times I just want to scream out “I love you, more than anything” but it’s simply unacceptable.

 

It hurts so much.

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You did the right thing, by going no contact with this woman.

 

If you love your wife and you want to keep your marriage, there is no place for a friendship with another woman.

 

I find it very hard to believe that you are her closest friend. Reading your post, I can't help but think that you have become infatuated with this woman and created a total fantasy about her and about your "relationship." It's not healthy... To be honest, it's more than a little melodramatic which makes me think you have crossed firmly into delusional fantasy-land...

 

Spend time with your wife and family, hopefully they can bring you back to reality. You need to find a way to redirect your thoughts from this woman back to something that is real... Good luck.

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josephlin101
You did the right thing, by going no contact with this woman.

 

If you love your wife and you want to keep your marriage, there is no place for a friendship with another woman.

 

I find it very hard to believe that you are her closest friend. Reading your post, I can't help but think that you have become infatuated with this woman and created a total fantasy about her and about your "relationship." It's not healthy... To be honest, it's more than a little melodramatic which makes me think you have crossed firmly into delusional fantasy-land...

 

Spend time with your wife and family, hopefully they can bring you back to reality. You need to find a way to redirect your thoughts from this woman back to something that is real... Good luck.

 

Thanks. First, yes, I believe I'm delusional about the whole thing, and I'm fighting to reason myself out of it. The emotion is such a stubborn part to overcome.

 

Actually, I'm still in contact with this woman; we're still exchanging emails. How long she's going to respond to my emails I don't know, but chances are she will. Maybe in a way that's why it's hard: there's no way I will stop our friendship--it's unfair to her. It's my fault, not hers. But I become expecting her messages too. I just have to learn to de-delusion while keep the friendship...

 

About being her closest friend, we had a phone conversation a couple days ago, and that was what she said. In some way we both are odd, I guess; probably why we keep contact for so long.

 

Again, you said: "...you have become infatuated with this woman and created a total fantasy about her and about your "relationship."" Yes, I believe so; and indeed it's not healthy. The fight is so hard though...

 

Thanks for your response.

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Actually, I'm still in contact with this woman; we're still exchanging emails. How long she's going to respond to my emails I don't know, but chances are she will. Maybe in a way that's why it's hard: there's no way I will stop our friendship--it's unfair to her. It's my fault, not hers. But I become expecting her messages too. I just have to learn to de-delusion while keep the friendship...

 

And what of your wife? Is it not unfair to your wife, that her husband is communicating with another woman and believes himself to be infatuated and in love with her?

 

To put it another way, where does your primary loyalty lay - with your wife of 20 years or with this other woman?

 

I think if you were being honest with yourself you would admit that the reason you keep contact with this other woman has absolutely nothing to do with being fair to her... it has everything to do with your own desire to stay in contact. You can tell yourself whatever you want to justify your communication, but your motives are purely selfish and blessedly obvious.

 

I also get the sense from your post that you feel somewhat “unable to control these feelings...” The truth is, a feeling is a feeling. Feelings, and thoughts, pass through our minds everyday. What you chose to focus on creates your reality. Continue to communicate with this woman and dream about her and you will develop a fantasy about her that is far from reality...

 

Again, you are not invested in your marriage if you are communicating with and daydreaming about another woman... The only way to get past this is to end all communication with this woman. There is no other answer.

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Maybe in a way that's why it's hard: there's no way I will stop our friendship--it's unfair to her. It's my fault, not hers. But I become expecting her messages too. I just have to learn to de-delusion while keep the friendship...

 

As Bailey has pointed out, an obvious fallacy. You're addicted to the feeling you have, and an alcoholic doesn't quit drinking by merely cutting back. You have to go no contact.

 

Has it also occured to you that this young lady should be aware of the unhealthy effect this relationship has on your marriage? A considerate person, upon hearing you "would love to have all her attention", would back off knowing the damage being caused. That she doesn't means she's either needy or manipulative, a threat either way to your wife and family.

 

You're in the fog right now, hard to see any of this. I'd guess someday soon you'll feel foolish and remorseful - if it's not too late. I've seen many lose much more over less...

 

Mr. Lucky

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You are in way too deep.

There is no justification for this "friendship" and the only way forward here is to stop contacting this girl.

She is obviously not that interested in you if it can take her months to reply, so time to "get real".

If you spent half the time on your wife and kids that you have spent fantasising about this woman, it would be time better utilised.

 

When I was in my late teens, early twenties I attracted the attention of a single guy in his 40s, he became obsessed with me and I was too shy to tell him to stop contacting me and tell him I wasn't interested.

He never crossed any lines, he was essentially harmless, and I was always polite to him (too polite), but the attention was embarrassing and unwanted.

He became a joke amongst my friends and family. He finally got the message...

Don't be that man.

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When was the last time you invested even half as much time and effort into your wife and marriage as this young girl at the other end of the email? The one you said who could take months to get back to you?

 

Is it only emotional support you have provided or have you also been helping out with money, giving gifts?

 

Do you really think your wife won't have noticed this disconnect between you? What will you do if she asks? Will you be truthful or fob her off with some excuse....

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Sir,

I don't think you love this woman one bit. Not one iota. Obsessed maybe, but love? Not on your life.

 

 

Please hear me out before you write that paragraph off.

 

 

By maintaining contact with her, you are getting ego feeds and other pleasant feelings, so I can understand why you want to keep contacting her. The problem becomes what it might be doing to her. If she does want to only be friends, then it's patently unfair to her to maintain a friendship, which, if you're being honest with yourself, you'll admit isn't really a friendship for you at all.

 

 

 

If she is starting to fall for you, then she may be setting herself up for a world of pain, one which you will have invited her into. When you love someone, you don't do that to them. Of course, it's her responsibility should she choose to get into an affair with you, but that won't make it any less hurtful for her.

 

If you really care about this person, you'll cut off contact. You don't need to explain it beyond that you simply don't have the time for contact, and it will soon wither and die. That may be very painful for you, but if you really do care for her at all, it's exactly what you'll do.

 

When it comes to your wife, I haven't mentioned her because I am giving her the same consideration you have...which is none.

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The Dude Abides

Joseph

 

I, too, have been married 20+ years, one child out of college and one off to college soon. I have never cheated on my wife, never even flirted or talked inappropriately with another woman. I long ago admitted to myself that even though I had firm principles I wanted to follow when it came to fidelity in marriage, I realized that anyone can slip if the conditions are right. So, I resolved to never allow myself to get in a situation where “conditions are right” (whatever that entails). I felt more than anything, I owed this to my wife because I respect her as the mother of my children and because she loves me with all her heart. So, even though I have ZERO interest in other women, I am still a man and we all know that men can lose their ability to think when aroused LOL.

 

So, I simply stay away from those situations. Yes, some might say that I am weak and I’m not really devoted to my wife because i have to do this. It’s not that I have to do this, it’s because I want to do this. I think of it as an insurance policy on my behavior. BTW, i have done similar things when it comes to money and other aspects of life where sometimes people get in trouble.

 

Stay away and reduce the temptation to play.

 

You owe it to your wife (most importantly), your kids, yourself, and yes, even to this other woman. She is a young woman and needs to live her own romantic life. And that means without you.

 

If you were nothing more than a much older mentor at work who helped her with her career, in somewhat of a paternalistic manner, then it would be above-board and nothing to be ashamed about.

 

But let’s face it. She is young enough to be your daughter. You have a wife who is being sadly neglected and might not even know it. Or, maybe she senses it and can’t or won’t say anything. YOu have your work and your kids to get through college.

 

Unless you are ready to throw that all away to court this young lady, then you have to cut this off and take it to the mental landfill and dump it.

 

I don’t fault a person for getting an emotion or an urge. The fault lies , I think, in those people who continue to nurture it and allow it to grow.

 

Are you the type of person who does “the right thing” in the other aspects of your life?

 

Good luck as you think about this.

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josephlin101

Thanks everyone. I especially liked this by The Dude Abides: "She is a young woman and needs to live her own romantic life." I just have to keep on remembering that. The damn emotion keeps on coming up to eat me, sends me to panic mode. But I have to remind myself that to let go.

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whichwayisup

You're addicted to how she makes you feel.

She's become a habit (a bad habit) that will ruin what you feel towards your wife and that in turn will make your turn away from your wife even more and your marriage. I'm betting you're not so emotionally attached to your wife anymore...

 

If you truly do not want to lose your wife and turn your kids lives upside down I suggest you seek counseling asap and work on ending this obsession you have for this younger girl. If you don't, you could lose everything and you'll regret it.

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Of course you especially like the one statement that mentions the new woman not being hurt.

 

Still no mention of your wife or the prospect of her being hurt! SMH...

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This has not been explicitly stated yet, but you are having an emotional affair. Whether you see it or not, your marriage is slowly suffering as you spend more and more of your time thinking about this woman, instead of your wife.

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I especially liked this by The Dude Abides: "She is a young woman and needs to live her own romantic life.

 

She is a young woman who deserves to find a young man who is available to have a relationship and perhaps start a family with her...

 

What she doesn't need is a twenty year older married man who is not available for a relationship and unable to give her the things that most women want in life.

 

You staying in contact with her holds her back from going out and finding someone who can be a part of her life. If you truly love her, the kindest thing you could do is walk away and enourage her to go and love her life - to find something wonderful and build a life with a man who can give her everything.

 

You've had that with your wife, and your family... think of more than yourself and don't take that for her.

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josephlin101
How was your marriage going before this new woman caught your eye, OP?

 

We do have some of our struggles, but she doesn't deserve this. She's my companion.

 

Thanks for others' messages.

 

Every night I wake up panicking, I just have to keep on reminding myself that this whole thing is just my fantasy. It's not real. It's hell I have to go through.

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Every night I wake up panicking, I just have to keep on reminding myself that this whole thing is just my fantasy. It's not real. It's hell I have to go through.

 

Have you considered IC? There seems to be something else at work here, doubt this is really about some idea you're going to run off with this younger woman to parts unknown. Instead of being pulled towards her, you're more likely fleeing something. So if she's an escape, then from what?

 

At this point in your life, might be valuable to understand what's really going on. At the very least, worth a try...

 

Mr. Lucky

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josephlin101
Have you considered IC? There seems to be something else at work here, doubt this is really about some idea you're going to run off with this younger woman to parts unknown. Instead of being pulled towards her, you're more likely fleeing something. So if she's an escape, then from what?

 

At this point in your life, might be valuable to understand what's really going on. At the very least, worth a try...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Sorry, what's IC?

 

And yes, maybe I should consider counseling...

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mark clemson

 

This obsession is so painful, it’s like tearing off my chest and eating into my heart.

 

 

Now, every minute is a torture. I’m expecting her message or email every second, though I know perfectly she might not respond for many days, even a month or two. I don’t know if I can survive another minute. But I guess I just have to. So many times I just want to scream out “I love you, more than anything” but it’s simply unacceptable.

 

 

 

 

Joseph, it's sounds like unfortunately you're experiencing full-blown limerence with this women. I suggest you wikipedia this term so you can see what you're up against. Unfortunately this is similar to an addiction in some ways and will take a while to fade. The good news is that eventually it WILL fade - it just may be a matter of months, not weeks. :(

 

 

 

As others have suggested, taking steps as you would to combat an addiction, such as going NC or attending IC, may be helpful.

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Mrs._December
So I admitted to her that I’m selfish and would love to have all her attention, but because I care about her and her well-being, she should go out and get to know some nice men. I also admitted talking about this made me unhappy, but it’s for her good. When I said that my heart ached.

 

Now, every minute is a torture. I’m expecting her message or email every second, though I know perfectly she might not respond for many days, even a month or two. I don’t know if I can survive another minute. But I guess I just have to. So many times I just want to scream out “I love you, more than anything” but it’s simply unacceptable.

 

It hurts so much.

I honestly feel like I'm reading a teenage angst board with all this childish drama. You don't sound like a middle-aged man at all. You sound like an 18 year old kid with a crush whose lost touch with reality.

 

Get it together.

 

Go spend some time alone communing with nature and get your head back on straight.

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Don't do it! You had your chance of a happy marriage and all the ups and downs that come with it, why potentially put this young woman in a complicated situation? Let her have a chance of a normal healthy marriage and experience the things that you did.

 

The high that are feeling right now is not real. You're idealizing based on the every day realities that are being cut out of your perception of her.

 

You seem like a moral man with a conscience. Do the right thing. I think you already know what that is.

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Don't destroy your marriage for her. Tell your wife, she will be upset, but she will accept that you are acting in her best interests. Affairs thrive on secrecy so the best way to keep yourself right is to expose yourself and accept the reality of your situation.

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You need to cut her off, completely. It wouldn't be fair to her to do so without explaining why, so tell her what you told us here, wish her good luck and cut the cord. Over time it will get better, but right now you are just torturing yourself.

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